My wife and I live two hours away from both of our parents.
When we started dating, we lived 2 hours apart (she lived with her mother on Long Island, NY). She came to visit me or I went to visit her. When I would visit her, I would either sleep on the couch or she would sleep on the couch.
She was a teacher, so when after a year, when the summer came; she wanted to spend a month visiting me to see if our relationship would go to the next level. The plan was to spend a month together and then decide if I would move to NYC (we were not planning on living together). So July 2001 came and my wife came to Philadelphia to visit for a month.
While staying with me, she received a call that she had been laid off from her teaching job. She tried to go on interviews for jobs in NYC, didn’t really receive any calls. She also put some in for Philly school districts, hoping to land a full time job. She never got one. The school year started, and my wife was still “visiting.” She was feeling like a failure. But I was still going on interviews in NYC, with the intent to move there and my wife would move back home.
Then, Sept 11, 2001 came.
At that moment I decided that I was not moving to NYC. A few weeks prior, in August, I had an interview with MetLife on the 82nd floor of the World Trade Center. I had two interviews that day. The first one went well, but I did not like the immorality of the company owner. While waiting for my interview at WTC, I received a call that my interview had been postponed. So I went to the WTC anyway, and visited it as tourist. I looked at the metal detectors and was a little bothered. Then, I went to the observation deck on the roof. The roof was dirty, covered in rust, and barbwire. All of a sudden I felt deep in my soul an OVERWHELMING feeling of “DO NOT WORK IN THIS BUILDING!” I left right away and told MetLife that I did not want to work there. A few weeks later a plane flew right threw their office.
Sept 12, 2001.
My wife receives the only offer for a job she would get. But it was to be a sub. If we worked every day, she would make $15,000 before tax. She took the job, but didn’t have any place to stay. She was two hours from her parents and I was two hours from mine. So my wife never left.
We didn’t get engaged until 12/28/2004.
I always felt that because of the unique circumstances surrounding our cohabitation, there was less scandal. Our parents quickly got over it and understood.
But what I didn’t realize is what we set into motion… We became “role models” - but bad ones.
Because I was living in sin, and everyone was explaining the situation, the feeling for my parents, etc was that it’s OK. Then, as time passed, everyone else began to forget the “how this happened” and were saying “look it works.” We became “poster children” for the positives of trial marriage. In May 2004, my brother graduated high school and then moved in with his girlfriend who was still in college. They lived together for 2-3 years and then finally split ways. Then, my brother went on a “sex frenzy,” lots of different girls, lots of different girl friends, etc. A few years later, he moved in with another girl and got her pregnant. They got married with the Justice of the Peace before the baby was born, and then a year later got married in the Methodist Church (because they didn’t want to attend marriage classes with the priest). My example corrupted him.
My example also corrupted my two baby sisters (I’m 8 years and 11 years older than them). My one sister failed out of college during her sophomore year after partying too hard and trying too hard to the type of girl “guys want.” She dated terrible guys for many years and became lost. She finally ended up with a guy with a strong love for Jesus, but he is Baptist. So now, my sister has returned to Jesus, but as a Baptist.
My other is has been living with her boy friend for 6-7 years (moved in with him at 18, after being a terrible teenager), had her first child at 19 and is now 25, sill not married and having her 2nd child. My sister (during her rebellious teens) never got confirmed. Her son still isn’t baptized either. But, with lots of prayer, she’s going to have my nephew baptized with his new baby brother or sister. And hopefully, with more prayer, she will attend RCIA and get confirmed.
Who knows if my co-habitation was a direct cause of my sibling’s behavior, but it did not help. I didn’t set a good example. I was the oldest. My parents always held me as the role model and standard. I was doing a great job too until… Even if my wife and I had lived as Brother & Sister the whole time, no one would have believe it. By my actions, I was telling my 15 & 12 year old sisters that premarital sex was ok. I was telling my 19 year old brother the same thing. By our actions, we are telling our 2 year old daughter that pre-marital sex and “trial marriage” is ok. Unless we LIE to our daughter.
Today, I’m 36. I still love my wife and do not regret meeting or marrying her. But looking back, sometimes I wish we never lived together.
Do everything possible to life separate. Even if you both are suck living in tiny studio apartments or finding roommates on
roommates.com.
Good luck and God Bless!
