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Inquiringperson
Guest
Why do people cohabitate together? Is there less taxes?
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
I do it because we were spending every night together anyway, so why pay 2 rents and sets of utilities? Also, since we both had half of our stuff at the other’s place it was very inconvenient. This way we have one set of bills, one home, and we get to share it together. And I love coming home from work and fixing dinner in our kitchen and going to sleep in our bed.
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JimG
Guest
You have, I think, pretty well set out the reasons for cohabitation. Of course, these same benefits would accrue through marriage.
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Luna_Lovecraft
Guest
In my community couples living together can pay more taxes than married couples.
Luna
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Castello
Guest
Because society has told them that it is the normal thing to do, and because it feels good - and that is all that matters, right, that we ffeeeeeelllll good.
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Luvtosew
Guest
I know at one time there was what they call a marriage penalty, but not any more, even a married couple can file seperately I think, so I don’t think taxes is a reason.
People are afraid of commitment I think. they might find “greener pastures”.
People are afraid of commitment I think. they might find “greener pastures”.
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Khalid
Guest
In certain situations marriage can be highly expensive, even if it is perfect and lifelong: it would throw the participants in to poverty. Marriage is more expensive if the participants are already poor (not just tax-wise, but, especially, for that portion of the population receiving any amount of government assistance in any form): the economic sanctions surrounding it are extremely regressive, but beneficial to the middle-middle and higher-middle classes.
Disregarding the fact that in all situations, statistically, it is likely to be very expensive if there is a disparity between the wealth of the two participants, even with a nigh-unenforceable and easily-voided and canonically null prenuptial agreement.
The correct answer is not to co-habit, but to remain celibate, and if one must co-habit with a member of the opposite sex (or for a person with homosexual tendencies, same sex) as room-mates to remain celibate as well, which is inadvisable as it is a very near occasion to sin for most people, and often a cause of scandal: but, if it is unavoidable, it is better than homelessness or hunger. I have been in this situation; I have done this and remained celibate and virtually without lust (which is probably why I was able to remain celibate, given that I have a shortage of lust: the apartment was essentially partitioned in to two dormitories with a shared bathroom, as well). I do not know whether it was a mortal sin or not, but confess it nonetheless.
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JimG
Guest
From your first paragraph it appears that in many cases the government actually discourages marriage, giving economic incentive to cohabitation rather than marriage, and to out of wedlock birth.
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Khalid
Guest
That’s what I am saying, yes.
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Befink
Guest
An interesting question and one I was recently discussing on another thread.
A major challenge these days is that people take longer to “grow-up” than they used to. There are years of school, career starts, career changes, moves to other cities etc. Also consider that both men and women are now seeking education and careers, a good thing overall but making it harder on couples since both have their ambitions instead of just one. Typically it takes till around 30 to start feeling established. If you meet a significant other in college, you could be dating a long time before you’re ready for marriage. Most of these relationships fail as each partner matures in potentially different directions.
I certainly admire couples who remain apart, celebate, and have successful marriages. I can see why that is ideal. In practice, it can be done but it’s very hard and the consequences of failure can be severe. Cohabilitation not only helps struggling couples financially but helps them get to know life together through those tough years before committing. Unfortunately there is no better way to know your partner than cohabilitation. There are flaws to that logic to be certain. There will be plenty on this thread who will tell you why you shouldn’t cohabilitate but that’s not what you asked.
A major challenge these days is that people take longer to “grow-up” than they used to. There are years of school, career starts, career changes, moves to other cities etc. Also consider that both men and women are now seeking education and careers, a good thing overall but making it harder on couples since both have their ambitions instead of just one. Typically it takes till around 30 to start feeling established. If you meet a significant other in college, you could be dating a long time before you’re ready for marriage. Most of these relationships fail as each partner matures in potentially different directions.
I certainly admire couples who remain apart, celebate, and have successful marriages. I can see why that is ideal. In practice, it can be done but it’s very hard and the consequences of failure can be severe. Cohabilitation not only helps struggling couples financially but helps them get to know life together through those tough years before committing. Unfortunately there is no better way to know your partner than cohabilitation. There are flaws to that logic to be certain. There will be plenty on this thread who will tell you why you shouldn’t cohabilitate but that’s not what you asked.
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JimG
Guest
Yes, they take way too long to grow up. But when hard times hit they will have to grow up faster.
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_Jenn
Guest
The reasons will vary from couple to couple.
My dh & I moved into our house we bought about 4 months before our wedding. Our reasons had nothing to do with taxes, sex (we weren’t, and didn’t til our wedding night), etc. We started looking at houses about a year out from the wedding date, not knowing how long it would take. Closed on one about 8 months out, spend the next four months peeling ancient wallpaper, painting, cleaning, shopping for furniture, etc.
Why we moved in - prior to moving in, we both lived with our parents. We were both traveling 45 min. to our jobs in the morning. Then, we both worked a second job in the evenings. From that job, about 1/2 hr. to our homes. The house we bought gave us each about a 10 min. or so commute to the jobs in AM, and about the same (usually less by 9-10 at night) from our second job to the house. It did wonders for our health/sleep patterns/stress levels to shorten that commute. Actually thrilled our mothers too, as they hated how we had such a long drive home after that long of a day. Made them worry less. LOL
Everyone (friends) swore us moving in would be the end of our vow to wait til our wedding night. We weren’t immature kids playing house, however. We were 25 and 29, had our convictions, and stood by them. It wasn’t difficult, because of the love/respect we have for each other. And next month, we’ll celebrate our 11th wedding anniversary.
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themeginthemoon
Guest
We are now married, but we cohabitated because we didn’t want to raise our child in separate households. And we did not have enough money between us to live in separate households. We did this for about a year, and then got married.
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manualman
Guest
Because they fail to recognize the link between the benefits of marriage and the committment of marriage.
As a result, one of two things is much more likely to happen:
P.S. btw, I firmly believe that those relationships in your friends and family where EVERYBODY except the couple can clearly see how badly wrong for each other they are are the best arguments you can make for the virtue of chastity. People lose their ability to impartially evaluate a potential spouse when they get sexually entangled before making the committment.
As a result, one of two things is much more likely to happen:
- They eventually DO get married, but after the big reception party is over, nothing particularly new and unique lies ahead of them. They’ve already squandered the honeymoon before making the committment. When they finally do make the decision to commit, they’ve already used up the honeymoon period that God built into human relations to reinforce the wisdom of the decision made. I was far from pure before marriage, but had never actually ‘finished the deed’ before marriage. Even in that imperfect state, I experience a euphoria of our early sexual union that made ‘cold feet’ a total non-issue. Why waste that gift from God?
- In the second outcome, they eventually break up. And it usually takes FAR longer than it should have taken two rational, level headed people to recognize that they are not long term compatible. Because they’ve too early attempted to grasp the perks of marriage, they lack the ability to critically examine each other and recognize the practical need to break up. Their sexual union artificially reinforces (for a time) their weak relational union. And the breakup is generally far more traumatic than it otherwise would have been without the artificially close bonds of premature sexual union. And these folks often turn 40 wondering if they will EVER find true love.
P.S. btw, I firmly believe that those relationships in your friends and family where EVERYBODY except the couple can clearly see how badly wrong for each other they are are the best arguments you can make for the virtue of chastity. People lose their ability to impartially evaluate a potential spouse when they get sexually entangled before making the committment.
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joshvanrad
Guest
For me before I realized how wrong it was:
It was because of a disordered attachment to the person I loved. We wanted to spend as much time as we could together and some days we wouldn’t see each other so it felt “right” sleeping in the same bed every night. I now see how disordered it was and that it ultimately led to the breakup of a good relationship, but sometimes that is how life works- some things must falter for the greater good. You cannot let your own choosing usurp what is holy and just.
I hope I can articulate the issues with cohabitation to those who may want to try it in the future.
God bless,
Joshua
It was because of a disordered attachment to the person I loved. We wanted to spend as much time as we could together and some days we wouldn’t see each other so it felt “right” sleeping in the same bed every night. I now see how disordered it was and that it ultimately led to the breakup of a good relationship, but sometimes that is how life works- some things must falter for the greater good. You cannot let your own choosing usurp what is holy and just.
I hope I can articulate the issues with cohabitation to those who may want to try it in the future.
God bless,
Joshua
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BettyBoop416
Guest
Just trying to understand what you are saying here…
How was your attachment to this person “disordered?”
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UntimelyGiggles
Guest
I can relate to Josh’s point of view. But personally, I would define my attachment as not disordered, but moreso an emotional attachment. This emotional attachment, in turn, skewed up my thoughts and my perspectives, which led the relationship to prioritize differently. It’s almost like pretending you’re married, when you’re really not. It’s a skewed up idea that pretty much has skewed up results.
But having said that, I do know couples who are married now that cohabited. Although stats show differently, I know it works sometimes. It just really has an emotional toll on both parties I think.
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joshvanrad
Guest
Where sin is, God cannot be. And what we were doing was sinful. In the order of a good and holy life where living together comes after marriage, we went just the opposite route.
Joshua
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
They want the benefits of marriage without the true commitment. Sin is easy; doing what God wants us to is harder.
Society tells people shacking up is just fine. It’s not. It screws up your future.
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TheRealJuliane
Guest
:sad_yes:
And it can’t be fixed, not really. Once these things are done, they can’t be undone - there are no re-dos.
Yes, you can get married, and yes, you can stay married. But it will never be the same way it would have been, had you not shacked up and fornicated.
Harsh for some. But I know what I am talking about. Respect is not built upon sin.
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