Cold approaching the opposite gender

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In this Asian country, it is uncommon to approach a random stranger for a conversation. Maybe it is the Covid situation that is making me feel this way but i do want to give myself a chance and talk to someone whom i feel attracted to and build a connection.

One thing that is holding me back are thoughts of my future spouse, how would she feel if she knew i had a history of talking to strangers to build a connection? Dating apps no longer work for me because it is so dependent on photographs. Currently i do not have access to church or a catholic community either.

Today i was on the bus on my way to work and saw someone i thought was attractive and immediately those thoughts came, what if i got rejected and saw her on the bus again…what if my future spouse felt uncomfy with me sitting this bus number because this lady whom i once chatted with sits this bus too.

In my last relationship, i did forgo physical attraction (because married couples & christians told me it was not important long term) to focus on sanctity but it was a huge mistake, she as a protestant rejected all our teachings and i often wanted to check other women out whom i felt attracted to. I have no idea what it is like to be with someone whom i feel attracted to because even in my 30s, it has never happened to me before.
 
tablecorner said:
One thing that is holding me back are thoughts of my future spouse, how would she feel if she knew i had a history of talking to strangers to build a connection? Dating apps no longer work for me because it is so dependent on photographs. Currently i do not have access to church or a catholic community either.
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What would be the problem here? I’m not seeing it. Are you expecting a spouse to want you to not have talked to anyone of the opposite sex, or to have not sought out relationships before them? I think you’re expecting a pretty extreme level of jealousy on the part of your future wife.
 
I admit to feeling paranoid due to the women i met in the past who were jealous.
 
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Being able to interact with a human being is the center of the faith. The goal is not to do this solely to meet a spouse but to live and interact with your fellow humans and siblings in Christ. If this is hard for you, you need to address that before you address your relationship status.
 
tablecorner said:
One thing that is holding me back are thoughts of my future spouse, how would she feel if she knew i had a history of talking to strangers to build a connection? Dating apps no longer work for me because it is so dependent on photographs. Currently i do not have access to church or a catholic community either.
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If your future wife is jealous because you’ve chatted with other women in the past, then you’ve married an insane person.
 
This is hard for me too, and not just with the opposite sex. For me, conversation is about the exchange of ideas, information, etc. If I see a stranger that I don’t know anything about, I generally have nothing to talk to them about. I don’t know if they know something I should ask them about or if they don’t know something that I feel that they should know about. 🙂

People suggest that I should ask them about their work, and my first thought is that this person is a complete stranger, why would I want to know about their job?
 
tablecorner said:
what if my future spouse felt uncomfy with me sitting this bus number because this lady whom i once chatted with sits this bus too.
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That would be an unhealthy attitude for a future spouse, as others had said. There is nothing inherently wrong with conversing with people in your neighborhood, and isolating yourself from people you see regularly will leave you feeling lonely.
 
thank you for this. I truly do need to rethink the basic building block.
 
Thank you, the last person i interacted with must be insane.
 
tablecorner said:
Thank you, the last person i interacted with must be insane
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I do think that chatting up random women on the street is not a great move, though. Go to a bar or something (once COVID is done), where chatting with strangers is expected. If you just approach a woman sitting on the bus, you’re likely to either annoy her or make her nervous.
 
I agree that chatting with a woman on public transportation is kind of scary for the woman. If you do say anything, just make a comment about the weather–it’s safe.

My suggestion is that you think about the things you love to do, and then go do those things, and you will probably see women there who also enjoy those things–and if they are not with a man, approach them and just say, “Hi! Isn’t a great (name the activity)?”

Here are some ideas:

Concerts (any style of music)

Theater (live not movies–it would be weird to approach someone in a movie theater–I would be scared if a man approached me in a movie theater).

Sporting event

Winetasting

Antique or Vintage store

Festival (not at the moment because everything is shut down due to COVID. But eventually festivals will happen again).

Lecture (any topic)

Museum exhibit.

Coffee shop

Volunteer activity (e.g., helping serve a meal at a Rescue Mission).

Political activity (march, peaceful demonstration like "LifeChain), information meeting, etc.)

Class–this is a good way to meet people if you have the time and money. It doesn’t have to be an academic class–it could be a cooking class, a running class, a class related to your work, etc.

Bible study! or some other class at your parish.

Just do small talk at first, nothing “heavy.” Talk about the activity that you are both doing. And if nothing comes of the conversation, do NOT berate yourself! She may already have a boyfriend, or even be married. She might really think you’re very nice, but she’s just not interested in dating or having a man/woman relationship at this time in her life (maybe she’s taking care of elderly parents, or leaving the country in a few weeks for missionary trip).
 
Today was a difficult day emotionally for me, its been awhile since i felt so much longing for a partner, so much so that i felt it an aching in my heart. I see these attractive women but i can’t go up and say hi. Everyone is so hyper sensitive and it might just come across as sexual harrasment…who knows.

but yea that popped out at me,“where chatting with strangers is expected.”

interestingly enough, i spoke to a few females recently and they commented that no one picks them up anymore and they yearn for it.
 
thank you tons for this list. will tattoo them behind my eyelids.
 
tablecorner said:
Today was a difficult day emotionally for me, its been awhile since i felt so much longing for a partner, so much so that i felt it an aching in my heart. I see these attractive women but i can’t go up and say hi. Everyone is so hyper sensitive and it might just come across as sexual harrasment…who knows.

but yea that popped out at me,“where chatting with strangers is expected.”

interestingly enough, i spoke to a few females recently and they commented that no one picks them up anymore and they yearn for it.
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Right. There’s nothing wrong with chatting up a woman you find attractive, but it’s better to do it in a situation in which chatting with strangers is seen as expected and normal. If you just start talking to a random woman on the train, she’s prone to think you’re a creep. On the other hand, if you’re at an inherently social place, like a bar or a concert, you’re less likely to come off looking weird.
 
tablecorner said:
thank you tons for this list. will tattoo them behind my eyelids.
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I forgot to mention gaming. We have at least 2 young women who work with us in the lab who both love gaming–I’m talking about the Dungeons and Dragons role-playing type games!

Usually these gaming sites are mainly men and boys, but there are women and girls who love gaming.
 
It’s possible that if it’s some lady who is on the same train as the OP every day, he could start by just smiling and saying “Hi” to her from time to time for a couple months and then work up to exchanging a couple sentences.

However, I agree that one normally doesn’t just plotz down out of the blue and start some big conversation with people on one’s bus or train. Many folks who commute have their mind on their work or school or wherever they are going, and many are tired or grumpy.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
It’s possible that if it’s some lady who is on the same train as the OP every day, he could start by just smiling and saying “Hi” to her from time to time for a couple months and then work up to exchanging a couple sentences.
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Sure, although (and I don’t mean this to be unkind to the OP) the fact that he’s here asking these questions makes me think he’s not quite experienced enough to “read the room” that way.
 
I don’t mean this to be harsh on the OP, but it seems like a lot of people who post here really overthink simple conversations instead of just going around chatting a bit with most people they meet. I understand maybe this is due to shyness, but it’s really not hard to come up with a sentence or two to say to folks with a smile. I’m definitely not a “people person”, but I never found it that hard to just come up with a friendly remark to say to people I meet. The weather, or giving them a compliment that’s not too super-personal (like saying, “I love your necklace!” or “That’s an awesome hat, perfect for fall” or if they’re wearing a sports team item you can say “Go (team name)!” usually works pretty well.

It might be good to just practice chatting a little bit with everybody throughout the day - old people at church, convenience store clerks, somebody at the bus stop. And by “a little bit” I mean like “Nice weather we’re having”, not a whole paragraph of conversation.
 
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THANK YOU ALL. I actually feel more human and sane and reading the replies.
 
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