College Daughter going on trip with BF

[slh3016]

I white venial lie is better than committing the sin of scandal, which is a mortal sin.

I absolutely agree, but if I’m reading the Cathechism correctly, it appears that scandal is most likely going to occur anyway. Again, like I said, it’s a no-win situation.

…Obviously, it would be better if friends were going along; but sometimes we need to choose the lesser of two evils. We don’t always have the luxury of choosing between just good and evil. Sometimes the options we have are both objectively evil and we must select the lesser of two evils.

My point is that Mom shouldn’t be choosing nor should she be forced to choose anything about this situation. That would be the ideal, anyway. It makes me incredible sad for Mom.

The daughter said “a group of friends” not a “group of girlfriends.” Which means boys could very well be attending. The white lie is simply changing the number of friends from 1 to multiple. If the daughter gets pregnant (God forbid) then it would be no different than if she got pregnant at college in the eyes of the younger children. Mom is off the hook as long as daughter and mom don’t let the younger kids know that mom knew the facts. The goal is to REDUCE scandal and avoid it as much as possible. But we can’t protect our children from it 100%. I agree it’s not an ideal situation and there is always a potential outcome of things getting worse when lies are involved, but sometimes we must make tough choices.

Again, just incredibly sad. I feel nothing but sympathy for Mom and I hope she didn’t take me the wrong way in my earlier post. I’m afraid I may have come across too harsh (listening to Dr. Laura for years will do that to a person… ) but I just think big sis needs a bigger dose of reality.

This is good advice. This describes me to a T. My wife and I lived together before getting married. I never want my children to know this fact and I hope I can keep it from them (at least until they are married). My grandmother got pregnant at 17, before she was married. She even got married in a gray suit. I never knew until I was in my 20s. I used to be told that women used to get married in gray suits back then, and I believe it even though my other grandmother was married in a beautiful white dress. And I would have NEVER figured out about my grandmother in my 20s if my dad didn’t simply tell me. Children don’t look for the faults of their parents and grandparents. But when they learn them, they usually come to believe those faults are not evil. So this is why it’s important to keep our skeletons in the closets.

Unfortunately, there are many skeletons in the closets of my parents and grandparents. I certainly wished I could have been sheltered from them a lot longer than I was. Sadly, my maternal grandmother’s sins included adultery and a child born by it. She ruined my Mom’s childhood and my mom is very much against “religion” because this. She experienced the hypocrisy in her mother’s life (a very devout Missionary Baptist) firsthand and wants no part it. In her words, "God may forgive her but she’s never asked for my forgiveness because she didn’t feel she needed it The concept of penance is foreign to a OSAS believer…I’m sure the word “scandal” is not even part of her vocabulary

 

[12345678]

Hubby and I didn’t get married until almost 4 years, and we were both older than 21. I have a sorority sister who has just become engaged and they have been dating 6 years.
She’s 21 and still in school. I don’t see it as a good time to get married. It isn’t like she is established and in her 30s. Good grief.

The problem isn’t whether or not someone is established and in their 30’s, the problem is temptation that can arise. I am not suggesting people should get married if they are not ready to do so, but you shouldn’t be looking for a spouse if you don’t expect to be able to get married for a while… Being together and engaged for a long period can increase temptation.

 

[JimG]

Hubby and I didn’t get married until almost 4 years, and we were both older than 21. I have a sorority sister who has just become engaged and they have been dating 6 years.
She’s 21 and still in school. I don’t see it as a good time to get married. It isn’t like she is established and in her 30s. Good grief.

Well, I’m thinking that if 21 is too young to get married, then it’s too young to be living together. And if one is going to delay marriage for four or six years, there’s not much point in dating, let alone moving in together.

It seems to me that more and more people are delaying marriage way past the ideal time to get married, and perhaps then delay having kids. I didn’t marry until I was 30, but I also didn’t have an extended engagement or courtship. How long does it take to decide you want to marry a particular person?

 

[AnneElizabeth]

I

I too am the oldest child, like your oldest. I lived with my wife, before marriage while I had young siblings at home. I strongly feel that my sin of scandal affected my younger siblings, cousins, in-laws, etc. and lead them all to sin. Too many people don’t realize how significant an impact loved ones have on children and young people (both positive and negative).

I want to thank you for that statement. I think so many people do not even realize the scope of how much we influence each other to sin.

I was the younger sibling to fell into sin following in my bigger siblings footsteps. My parents had ok’d it with them, which really left me with very little if anything at all as a barrier to know the sin or keep myself from it. I am not angry over this, but in my older age I realize this is part of the problem. I wish that someone would have thought of me, not to bring scandal to me, informed me better. Its too easy to assume people, especially young ones, to KNOW better.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Well, I’m thinking that if 21 is too young to get married, then it’s too young to be living together. And if one is going to delay marriage for four or six years, there’s not much point in dating, let alone moving in together.

It seems to me that more and more people are delaying marriage way past the ideal time to get married, and perhaps then delay having kids. I didn’t marry until I was 30, I also didn’t have an extended engagement or courtship. How long does it take to decide you want to marry a particular person?

I’ve never asked my sister why it took them so long. But we didn’t get married sooner for a lot of factors. The biggest one being that you have to go up in rank a little bit to actually have enough to live on. BAH does not cover everything.
We dated over a year, in school, before he enlisted. Dating would have been longer, but he volunteered for a deployment and by doing that he knew he would have enough money saved up to furnished a home because of his per diem. I
actually quit school to move to be with my husband and now I am having to wait until his GI bill kicks in to finish. I am very pro finish school because of this.
It doesn’t look like her plan is moving in together. That is what people on CAF came up with, not what the mom, who is the op, said.
She still has plenty of time left on her biological clock to marry and have babies. There is no rush, especially at 21.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’ve never asked my sister why it took them so long. But we didn’t get married sooner for a lot of factors. The biggest one being that you have to go up in rank a little bit to actually have enough to live on. BAH does not cover everything.
We dated over a year, in school, before he enlisted. Dating would have been longer, but he volunteered for a deployment and by doing that he knew he would have enough money saved up to furnished a home because of his per diem. I
actually quit school to move to be with my husband and now I am having to wait until his GI bill kicks in to finish. I am very pro finish school because of this.
It doesn’t look like her plan is moving in together. That is what people on CAF came up with, not what the mom, who is the op, said.
She still has plenty of time left on her biological clock to marry and have babies. There is no rush, especially at 21.

Interesting. So there is a financial amount one must achieve to get married?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Interesting. So there is a financial amount one must achieve to get married?

Uhhh being able to afford food is definitely a goal we (hubby and I) decided that one must achieve to get married. See that’s the thing about getting married, it is about the couple not people outside of the relationship. I’ve known people who have dated 4 months and became engaged and I’ve see people date for 6 years before a proposal happened. It is no one’s business as to why it was too soon or not soon enough. Marriage is a big deal and it is fine to be dating someone at the age of 21 for years and still not be ready to make that commitment for one reason or the other. Finishing school is a good reason.

 

[Irishmom2]

I never understand people saying they don’t have enough money to get married, but they have enough money to live together.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I never understand people saying they don’t have enough money to get married, but they have enough money to live together.

Op’s daughter isn’t living with the bf. I’m the one who said something about money and I’ve never shacked up.

 

[Irishmom2]

Op’s daughter isn’t living with the bf. I’m the one who said something about money and I’ve never shacked up.

Kendra, my comment was not aimed at you or anyone in particular. I merely made an off topic comment as often happens on most threads, including this one. Sorry for any confusion.

 

[Ignatius]

Hello everyone! I’ve been lurking around hoping to see if I could get some (name removed by moderator)ut on a situation I’m going through right now.

I have a total of five children, our eldest is 21 followed by 12, 10, 8, and 6 year old. My eldest daughter has always been a delightful girl and although she was introduced to the Faith later than our other kids, she has always been strong in her faith. Or at least we thought.
She received a full scholarship to a university a few hours away and will be graduating this May. She has had a job since she was 16 and has always been a very independent child.

A recent thread regarding obedience to parents in adulthood was of interest to me because my daughter has decided that she and her boyfriend of four years are taking a trip to Europe to celebrate their graduation. They will be going alone and I was also informed they will be sharing a room. She will be living at home because her last semester is all online courses, and she has a job offer in our city.

She has always asked for permission when making decisions but more of in a sense that she respects our opinion. Of course she has made good choices up until now. We trust her but the temptation would be very great for them. This is our first time dealing with something like this and we don’t really understand how we’re supposed to approach this. We appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut! Thank you for your time!

She is over 21. Since she will be living at home, this may be an opportunity to review Catholic Teaching on the subject. God Bless.

 

[SDDM]

Hello everyone! I’ve been lurking around hoping to see if I could get some (name removed by moderator)ut on a situation I’m going through right now.

I have a total of five children, our eldest is 21 followed by 12, 10, 8, and 6 year old. My eldest daughter has always been a delightful girl and although she was introduced to the Faith later than our other kids, she has always been strong in her faith. Or at least we thought.
She received a full scholarship to a university a few hours away and will be graduating this May. She has had a job since she was 16 and has always been a very independent child.

A recent thread regarding obedience to parents in adulthood was of interest to me because my daughter has decided that she and her boyfriend of four years are taking a trip to Europe to celebrate their graduation. They will be going alone and I was also informed they will be sharing a room. She will be living at home because her last semester is all online courses, and she has a job offer in our city.

She has always asked for permission when making decisions but more of in a sense that she respects our opinion. Of course she has made good choices up until now. We trust her but the temptation would be very great for them. This is our first time dealing with something like this and we don’t really understand how we’re supposed to approach this. We appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut! Thank you for your time!

As far as I know, living with someone or sharing a room with a single someone of the opposite sex, is considered fornication, a mortal sin. Not to mention the sin of scandal. They’re can be extenuating circumstances (e.g. the person becomes so ill they cannot walk without assistance or stay awake for more than five minutes) but going to Europe isn’t one of them. Then you get into the sin of omission/commission by allowing her to stay at the house despite her planning to commit mortal sin over the summer and planning on lying about it to her younger siblings. Not sure if there is much gray area here.

You’re family is in my prayers.