College women, take heed: Prioritize marriage and family!

[felsguy]

According to the author women should prioritize marriage and family.

Does he think all women should get married and be mothers?

Just to clarify, it you are referring to the author of the article cited, HE is a SHE.

(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

Suzanne Venker​

Suzanne Venker (@SuzanneVenker) is the author of five books and a relationship coach, as well as host of The… More by Suzanne Venker

 

[Elizabeth3]

“.Going into debt to prove one’s worth and struggling to do what previous generations used to do with ease—find a man and settle down—is hardly progress. There’s nothing empowering about any of this. College women, take heed: Do not let this be your fate! Prioritize marriage and family. Make it the center of your life, and fit everything else in around that.”

This is what I taught my girls. I told them to first discern their vocation. If marriage and motherhood is what they envision for their future then

-figure out what job training/career will give them skills that can be used to help support the family if their husband cannot for various reasons but also to never assume that putting a job aside to solely focus on raising a family/managing a household is a waste of that training or degree. It is not a choice that is “lesser than.”

-to work hard to not be crippled with debt so much that they will have no choice but to be married to their career with or without a husband or that will result in having to delay marriage too long.

-to consider training that will be both useful if directed towards managing a home and family as well as in the job market.

-to prioritize marrying a man who is/will be able to support a family so she can prioritize being the hands-on main caregiver of any children and managing the household. Make sure the guy is on-board and thinks this division of labor in raising a family is important as well.

-to keep in mind the importance of adequate life insurance that will pay off debt, funeral/hospital expenses with some leftover to live on should she need time to brush up on her skills if her husband should pass while young. To also remember that the children will receive Social Security benefits that will help out as well up until age 18.

-to remember that it is not a career that defines your worth. If you have a vocation to marriage and motherhood, then make all your other life decisions serve your vocation rather than having your vocation take a back seat to a career.

 

[Irishmom2]

“Good men of strong character, who are conscientious and gainfully employed, tend to marry younger, family-oriented women.”

“Ergo, by the time the career-focused women are around 30 years of age, the pickings are slim. They can look for a man who’s as ambitious as they, and occasionally they will find him—but sheer math means many will not. So they settle on the best they can get: men who are nice and who are safe, but who lack the necessary drive to produce on behalf of their families.“

Such generalizations.

So she is saying women should marry early before all the “good ones” are taken.

 

[twf]

Maybe it’s regional, but I just don’t see young women (or young men) getting married anymore around here. My wife and I are in our early 30s and married, but sure know a lot of people in the same age group who arent. My business partners are in their 40s and their kids are around the same age as mine… seems the norm here.

 

[27lw]

I think it’s important for all young people not to take on too much debt. Because Dad’s debt will hurt the family in financial ways, too, right?
I think the most practical advice for young women who hope to marry and have kids is to plan to get a career that they can do part-time for 15-20 years while the kids are young, or at least the option to do this. In other words, the most $$ per hour, if possible.

 

[Irishmom2]

I think the most practical advice for young women who hope to marry and have kids is to plan to get a career that they can do part-time for 15-20 years while the kids are young, or at least the option to do this. In other words, the most $$ per hour, if possible.

Plan to get a career they can do part time? I wonder if you would put the same limits on a man…So you are assuming that the mom stays home and the dad works full time. What about women that want to get married and be a doctor or something? Do that, go through all those years of training and give it up for a while, and the husband, who may make less keeps working?

 

[mary77]

i think even long ago some women had made good choices, they married young and married well, they set their mind on having enough money to cover anything that might happen and therefore didnt need to worry about having something to work at if the husband and father of their children died. Some women want to be housewives and mothers, they love being home tending to the family and that will never change. The feminist movement made it harder for those women. The liberal sex available by feminist women made it tough for old fashioned women to want a real traditional lifestyle and marriage. God, I hope we have gotten past that.

 

[Sarcelle]

With remote jobs and web based businesses, it gets even easier to work from home.

 

[Sarcelle]

Isn’t that the point of the article?

That women shouldn’t aspire to a profession that involves a lot of time, money and commitment like medicine or law in order to get married young and be a housewife.

In short, women should prioritize being a wife and mother and forego education. Marry in their late teens while their sexual market value is high so they don’t get ignored by men who prefer marrying young fertile women.

 

[Irishmom2]

I suppose it is. I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I don’t think the article offers much in the way of sound advice. I would never have suggested to my daughter that she limit her career choices to something because when she gets married, she will need to give it up to have children, or work part time. Nor would I say that to my sons either. I would never have said to her she better find someone when she is young because all of the “good ones” will be snapped up already by the time she is 30. So, just settle for someone before it’s too late.

 

[blackforest]

I cannot emphasize this enough - THANK YOU! My father died young, tragically, and unexpectedly when I was a toddler. My mom’s teaching credential was a lifesaver.

I’m in a homeschool group full of a lot of super-duper traditional Catholics and will not SHUT UP about how their daughters need a career plan. I don’t care what they choose - stay-at-home motherhood is a fine choice - but we don’t always end up with our choices.

Is courting a practice in the U.S.?

It’s a lost art here. This is a good documentary on the topic. https://www.thedatingprojectmovie.com/

 

[27lw]

27lw:

I think the most practical advice for young women who hope to marry and have kids is to plan to get a career that they can do part-time for 15-20 years while the kids are young, or at least the option to do this. In other words, the most $$ per hour, if possible.

Plan to get a career they can do part time? I wonder if you would put the same limits on a man…So you are assuming that the mom stays home and the dad works full time. What about women that want to get married and be a doctor or something? Do that, go through all those years of training and give it up for a while, and the husband, who may make less keeps working?

Well, honestly, for most hard-core Catholic families, if they are not using ABC, how many kids are they likely to have? A lot, right?
As far as I know, it’s generally the moms who carry the baby, birth the baby, recover from having the baby, and breastfeed the baby. The children are most attached to mom, generally. It just generally makes the most practical sense for mom to be the stay-at-home parent, does it not? And I realize that most families can use a little extra income, right, so it can help if mom could work part-time (maybe even from home) while the 4, 5, 6 kids (or more) are little?
Of course there are women who want to go to school for many years, possibly get in lots of student debt, and have high-earning careers. That’s great! They are not going to have to worry about student loan debt as much as women who get in moderate - high student loan debt, then are stay-at-home moms. And I simply don’t think there are quite as many of those high-powered career women who are also hard-core Catholic women. Not to say that they don’t exist, there just aren’t as many of them, I would bet.

 

[Sarcelle]

Student debt not only affects the woman but also the man.

So she chooses to forego college and not get debt. What about her husband? His debt could also be a problem.

A debt is a debt is a debt, even if it’s the man’s.

 

[Elizabeth3]

Isn’t that the point of the article?

That women shouldn’t aspire to a profession that involves a lot of time, money and commitment like medicine or law in order to get married young and be a housewife.

In short, women should prioritize being a wife and mother and forego education. Marry in their late teens while their sexual market value is high so they don’t get ignored by men who prefer marrying young fertile women.

That’s not the point of the article at all. None of those points were made. This article isn’t about all women although by the comments in this thread it seems most are assuming it is. The point is the cultural messaging for going to college and having a big career is so strong that many girls who dream of getting married, having children and raising a family feel pushed along the college/career track that they go with their parent’s, peer’s, teacher’s and societal expectations. When they come out the other side, they find that their dream of marriage and raising a family is not as easy to achieve as they had hoped.

Marriage and/or children is delayed in order to get a career off the ground (it’s seen as wasting your degree to get married and not use it) or their college debt is so great (not everyone has parents who can pay for college) they can’t afford marriage, house, or children until well into their early 30’s.

There are many girls who don’t really give two figs about having an important career who feel like it’s their dirty little secret that they dream of being a homemaker and mother. It’s those girls who are falling through the cracks of the current life path that every 18 yr old is pushed along. It’s those girls, and there are many more than you think, that the article is addressing. No one tells them that their desire is a good and decent one. No one tells them it’s a noble and viable option to prioritize marriage and family. The message they get is that it’s a choice that’s “lesser than.”

It’s those girls who need to hear that’s it’s wise and good to plan college/job training in a way that serves their vocation to marriage and family. No one is saying girls should marry in their teens and forgo education. It’s always good advice to gain viable skills for the job market. But if your goal is marriage and raising a family as your sole focus, how you attain marketable skills that can be put to use in both a job or your role as a homemaker, while staying free of a large debt load, is something that needs to be considered.

You can have a plan B if the big “what if’s” happen but you don’t have to prioritize your life around the “what if’s” to the point that it leads you further away from your goal than closer to it.

It’s fantastic if a girl dreams of being a doctor, scientist, or any other career that takes the bulk of your time, attention, and money to attain and maintain. If they want children, they can marry someone who wants to stay home or who also works so that their combined income can afford daycare or a nanny, housekeeper or whatever. This article isn’t addressing those women.

 

[Sarcelle]

Actually the article is suggesting that all young women prioritize marriage and motherhood. It did not specifically address those who desire marriage and motherhood but targets those who actually want a career.

It actually goes as far as to say those who desire a career and work towards it will regret it as soon as they turn thirty because they will be seen as less desirable. Marriage and motherhood is more important for women.

It says the following. It talks about Gen Z who will be unlike the Millennials.

Still, I have hopes for the women of Generation Z. I think they’re witnessing all of this; and while this group has problems of their own—anxiety, mainly—I don’t believe they’ll end up in the same boat as their millennial sisters. I think they will marry earlier, and they will prioritize motherhood.

 

[27lw]

Elizabeth3:

It’s fantastic if a girl dreams of being a doctor, scientist, or any other career that takes the bulk of your time, attention, and money to attain and maintain. If they want children, they can marry someone who wants to stay home or who also works so that their combined income can afford daycare or a nanny, housekeeper or whatever.

All the doctors I have been to (that are female) are also mothers and work in group practices with other physicians so that they can also be very present for their own family. One of my past doctors (and this was back in the 1990’s) never had afternoon hours on Thursday. Instead, she had chosen recess duty and volunteering in the classroom at her children’s parish school. She also divided weekend and evening call with another doctor in the practice, who had very young children. Both ladies had their first child when completing residency in the mid-20’s. Even St Gianna worked part time with her clinic hours.

Yes, and that’s great. Doctors, lawyers, etc often have more control over their working hours than someone in a lower-income position like a teacher, office worker, etc.

 

[OKComputer]

My concern is that we are shutting the door after the horse has left the barn. Don’t get me wrong, I agree 100% with what you are saying. But it’s an uphill battle to try to convince young women not to find a career. I think society has already closed that door. Again, I agree with you, 100%. But it’s a losing battle.

 

[Sarcelle]

To be frank, once a person is married, be it man or woman, the priority should be marriage and parenthood.

A job comes and goes and shouldn’t be what defines a person. It’s just a job after all.

In the meantime, while a person is single he or she should focus on living a virtuous holy life. They could stay single or get married but either way in the end it will be a well lived life.

That’s what I try to live by.

 

[Elizabeth3]

I think it does address those who desire marriage and motherhood. Those who don’t want those things are fine. College is open them. A career is open to them. Society guides everyone down that same life path. But the issue of marriage, motherhood, staying home and raising a family is almost never considered in the cultural narrative around choosing your path after high school. It’s always just assumed that every girl should want to go to college, get a high-paying job and if she wants to get married she can meet a man, have children and send the kids to daycare without missing a beat. That’s the life path we put our young women on and many women are coming out the other side finding that a career didn’t make them happy and fulfilled but really desire marriage and family only, not marriage-family-career.

Yes, the article wants all college women to consider what they really want (not that they should want it) because they never hear that it’s ok to want something else besides a career. That doesn’t mean it’s saying all women must choose marriage and motherhood but if you never consider it, you can find yourself with lots of regrets down the line. I would say there is a significant portion of young women who would choose marriage and family over a career if they felt like it was ok to admit it. But most keep it to themselves and feel a sense of shame because they are told it’s not something they should want and that it’s not a valuable goal.

We have to open up this conversation in the culture and recognize that we were wrong to tell girls that a career is the only good goal to have in life. No one should feel compelled down a life path that takes them further away from what they really want. Why are we so afraid to do that? Are we afraid that too many young women would choose it?

Choosing to marry and stay home to raise kids also doesn’t mean one can’t attend college. It just means that one should consider maybe a two-year degree (my daughter’s friend has chosen physical therapy tech), vocational training, or make a plan to get through college without having debt on the other side. It means being open to dating and considering marriage at 22-25 instead of the 28 yr. average(and rising) that we have now. Young women shouldn’t feel shame or be discouraged from any of these options. Too many are though.

 

[Sarcelle]

Too many people, men or women, are pushed towards college even if they don’t want to. I guess higher education has become big business. Even vocational post secondary education has become too expensive.

The issue of stratospheric student debt and stratospheric education cost is a whole other can of worms.