Combining Last Names for Marriage?

  • Thread starter Thread starter AdriannaJean
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

AdriannaJean

Guest
Hey all.

So I will be getting married in less than a year (yay!!) and my fiance and I are talking about what to do about names. We stumbled upon the idea of combining last names and I was wondering if anyone had opinions on it.

FYI the last names potentially being combined are Benoit (pronounced “ben-wah”) and Forest and here are all the potential combinations I can think of:

Bennest

Foroit

Benfor

Forben

We want to have the same last name as one another and to have the same last name as our children, but we think that hyphenating gets impractical after more than one generation. We also think that a name is an important symbol of identity and something about defining myself by my relationship to him (Mrs Benoit = the wife of Mr. Benoit) rubs us both the wrong way, especially seeing that it’s completely one-sided (the woman defines herself by her relationship to the man, whereas the man gets to define himself, by, well, himself).

Thoughts?
 
Looking at it from the point of view of someone doing genealogical research – OUCH! Glad that one hasn’t caught on.

As far as I can tell from Alberta law, you would have to petition the court for a legal name change to do that. Only by changing your birth certificates could you pass on the name to your children, according to the Vital Statistics rules for assigning surnames in Alberta.
 
AdriannaJean said:
Hey all.

So I will be getting married in less than a year (yay!!) and my fiance and I are talking about what to do about names. We stumbled upon the idea of combining last names and I was wondering if anyone had opinions on it.

FYI the last names potentially being combined are Benoit (pronounced “ben-wah”) and Forest and here are all the potential combinations I can think of:

Bennest

Foroit

Benfor

Forben

We want to have the same last name as one another and to have the same last name as our children, but we think that hyphenating gets impractical after more than one generation. We also think that a name is an important symbol of identity and something about defining myself by my relationship to him (Mrs Benoit = the wife of Mr. Benoit) rubs us both the wrong way, especially seeing that it’s completely one-sided (the woman defines herself by her relationship to the man, whereas the man gets to define himself, by, well, himself).

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I hope you realize that combining names makes it extremely hard for genealogical research, for the sake of posterity please don’t.

Well the guy doesn’t get to define himself, he was defined by his father and his father didn’t get to define himself, he was defined by his father.
 
AdriannaJean said:
We also think that a name is an important symbol of identity and something about defining myself by my relationship to him (Mrs Benoit = the wife of Mr. Benoit) rubs us both the wrong way, especially seeing that it’s completely one-sided (the woman defines herself by her relationship to the man, whereas the man gets to define himself, by, well, himself).

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
Well, since you asked for “thoughts” I’ll add mine. As others have said, when your descendants sit down to trace their heritage, they will encounter a very large stumbling block. If that’s not important to you, consider those who come after you. I too do genealogy and this sort of thing (if common) would cause me to find a new hobby rather quickly.

Besides the whole family tree issue, I’m fairly old fashion. I don’t see how taking your future husband’s name detracts from your identity. “A rose by any other name…” Do you not wish to be known as “the wife of Mr. Benoit?” I assume that you currently have your father’s last name. If that’s the case, are you any less of an individual because you don’t possess a unique last name separate from your parents?

Please don’t take my reply out of context. I send it with all charity. However, since you asked for our thoughts, I presented mine. Take care, God bless, and congratulations on your upcoming union! 👍
 
I am on record as saying that I believe there are no “right” or “wrong” answers here, as it depends on the couple, but (again) since you asked for thoughts:
  1. It’s important to me for a family to have the same last name. (However, the way it worked out in my family is that we have 3 last names in a family of 4 people, and so far no ill effects.)
  2. I am not a fan of combining names into one new, different name, because I think it disrespects both: a) the heritage that gave you your name; and b) the heritage that gave him his name
  3. I realize that the only option we are left with is for one spouse to take the other spouse’s name. In my case I took my husband’s name because it was important to him.
  4. After a certain window of time, your husband’s name is as much your name as his name. For example, when I got divorced after 5 years of marriage, I kept my married name. At that point, that’s who I was and that’s how everyone knew me. Now, for some reason it really irked my ex-husband’s new wife that I still had “his” name, but I really didn’t see it that way. When I remarried, I took my husband’s name, and 3 years later, I really do feel like “his” name is as much my name as his.
 
Have you spoken to other family members?

Father mother brother sister?
 
I had friends that used a traditional idea–that is, that the eldest son would have his mother’s maiden name as his middle name–and changed their names so that both had the last name of the husband, but both had the wife’s maiden surname as their middle name.

In your case, Sarah Marie Forest and John Jacob Benoit would become Sarah Forest Benoit and John Forest Benoit. No hyphens. In the case of our friends, the groom’s dad was a bit miffed, because the middle name the groom was ditching was also his father’s first name, but the new FIL got over it. It’s a thought.

If you want a new surname for your new married life, though, I’d pick a totally new surname. Your relatives are likely to be a bit territorial about theirs, and not appreciate the two of you “butchering” theirs! They will get over that a lot less quickly. In that case, consider using your old surnames for your middle names…but the geneologists will not like you!
 
I took my husband’s name and was very proud to do so.

My parents hinted that they wanted him to take mine, as they had only daughters. I refused.

As it happens, my husband’s last name is the name not of his biological father but of his mother’s second husband, who illegally adopted him at three months of age, something we learned about (the illegality of the adoption and the name change) for the first time two years ago.

Again, my mother urged us to change our name, at least to the name of my husband’s biological father. But we didn’t. We have six children, all of whom have this name. My husband has had this name most of his life, and I have had it for 15 years now. It’s our name. 🤷
 
AdriannaJean said:
Hey all.

So I will be getting married in less than a year (yay!!) and my fiance and I are talking about what to do about names. We stumbled upon the idea of combining last names and I was wondering if anyone had opinions on it.

FYI the last names potentially being combined are Benoit (pronounced “ben-wah”) and Forest and here are all the potential combinations I can think of:

Bennest

Foroit

Benfor

Forben

We want to have the same last name as one another and to have the same last name as our children, but we think that hyphenating gets impractical after more than one generation. We also think that a name is an important symbol of identity and something about defining myself by my relationship to him (Mrs Benoit = the wife of Mr. Benoit) rubs us both the wrong way, especially seeing that it’s completely one-sided (the woman defines herself by her relationship to the man, whereas the man gets to define himself, by, well, himself).

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I like “Benfor.”

Congrats on the engagement! 👍
 
Debora123 said:
I like “Benfor.”
Click to expand...
I think it will be misspelled a lot; people will be likely to think it ought to be Benford, which I would expect is the more common of the two surnames. (Kind of like Smit vs. Smith or Schmidt.)

Still, Benfor is better than the other three. I’m not sure that Bennest and Foroit even sound like real surnames. But that is just me? After all, there are many people who combine first names in just that way in order to give their child a novel combination of saint’s or relative’s names. 🤷

That is another idea: you could choose your favorite saint, and use that for a surname
 
EasterJoy said:
I think it will be misspelled a lot; people will be likely to think it ought to be Benford, which I would expect is the more common of the two surnames. (Kind of like Smit vs. Smith or Schmidt.)

Still, Benfor is better than the other three. I’m not sure that Bennest and Foroit even sound like real surnames. But that is just me? After all, there are many people who combine first names in just that way in order to give their child a novel combination of saint’s or relative’s names. 🤷

That is another idea: you could choose your favorite saint, and use that for a surname
Click to expand...
Bennett is a common surname (a former Prime Minister and a presently sitting Member of Parliament are so named) so I suspect if they went for Bennest, their new name might be misspelled a lot.
 
My thought is that the idea is ridiculous.

I also think the rationale behind it smacks of feminist programming.

That is my thought on this. Which of course everyone is free to disagree with.
 
AdriannaJean said:
Thoughts?
Click to expand...
Honestly, not a fan of combining last names this way. Even having hyphenated last names is better than this, in my opinion. If you do it this way, you both lose your last names, and get an odd name that doesn’t mean anything.
 
How is merging identities, as opposed to one party assuming the identity of the other, “feminist propaganda”…

Me and my fiancé (yes, engaged! He got home this month and now we’re out and engaged :)) went through a lot of options when talking about getting married. We ultimately decided on each taking on the others names.The name you decide on is between you and him, and it’s not stupid or silly to want to buck tradition in favor of something you two are more comfortable with.
 
Sapphiregirl said:
How is merging identities, as opposed to one party assuming the identity of the other, “feminist propaganda”…

Me and my fiancé (yes, engaged! He got home this month and now we’re out and engaged :)) went through a lot of options when talking about getting married. We ultimately decided on each taking on the others names.The name you decide on is between you and him, and it’s not stupid or silly to want to buck tradition in favor of something you two are more comfortable with.
Click to expand...
It is still prudent to consider that bucking tradition can hurt your relatives’ feelings–especially parents and grandparents, whose family names are being divorced, so to speak, and ending with them as far as you and your descendants are concerned–and cause confusion in the extended family. That is not to say that you can’t do it, but you wouldn’t do it lightly and you wouldn’t do it without considering the practical consequences first.

I would not underestimate the impact this example of bucking tradition will have on the couple’s parents. Some parents will not mind it in the least, thinking arguments to the contrary to be quarrels over noises. Others will feel betrayed and abandoned. Others will be somewhere in-between. It just depends. Many would be hurt to know their children did not care what they felt about it, in any case.

The people I know who choose entirely new surnames usually have suffered a grave rift with their family, want to make a definite break with their past selves, or want to make the point that they are creating a new persona for themselves. The act of taking a new surname has that kind of connotation.

In contrast, the practice of brides not changing their names upon marriage is much more widely accepted. If the bride is established in a profession, such that a great deal of confusion would be caused among business associates, it hardly causes an eye to blink. (Other women, though, find their married name to be “witness protection” for their private lives!!)
 
1ke said:
My thought is that the idea is ridiculous.

I also think the rationale behind it smacks of feminist programming.

That is my thought on this. Which of course everyone is free to disagree with.
Click to expand...
Yes, it does smack of feminist programming. But I hope you know that there are two kinds of feminism.

I am a feminist. I wholeheartedly believe that I am a man’s moral and intellectual equal, deserving of personhood and identity in my own right. That is not to say that I am the same as a man, just that I am equal to one. That is classical equity feminism. That’s why I care about a social system that assumes that women will make a sacrifice men don’t have to.

Like many others in the Christian community, I thought I hated feminism. But what I realized was that I hated gender feminism/neo-feminism, not classical feminism. Sure, I think that neo-feminists are nuts. I also think that certain branches of Christians are nuts. In the same way that I won’t let the Westboro Baptist church take the word “Christian” away from me, I won’t let the crazy femi-nazis take “feminism” away from me. I will go to my grave a Christian, no matter how many crazy Christians there are. I will go to my grave a feminist, no matter how many crazy feminists there are.

It is a huge mistake to judge an entire ideology/philosophy/religion by its craziest members.
 
I have come to learn that no matter what choices you make about a marriage, someone is going to be offended. So, you should go with the option that makes you happiest, instead of trying to please all the people all the time. Unless the thing that makes you happiest is explicitly and purposely offensive to someone else, then thats just tacky and you should show more class.
 
AdriannaJean said:
… We also think that a name is an important symbol of identity and something about defining myself by my relationship to him (Mrs Benoit = the wife of Mr. Benoit) rubs us both the wrong way, especially seeing that it’s completely one-sided (the woman defines herself by her relationship to the man, whereas the man gets to define himself, by, well, himself).

Thoughts?
Click to expand...
I vote for Mrs. Benoit, the wife of Mr. Benoit–and Mr. Benoit, son of the elder Mr. and Mrs. Benoit. That is, unless you have something against the Benoit family…and if that’s the case I wonder why you are marrying into it.

His name doesn’t completely define him or you,** but** it identifies who and where he came from–his parents, their parents, etc. …and probably at some point, France.

Adrianna Jean Benoit sounds lovely. I like it. None of the other name combinations sound nearly so lovely as his family name. None of them sound as lovely as your maiden name either. The name combinations sound odd. Don’t do it.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top