Comparing funeral customs of Catholics and Protestants

[Tommy999]

Background:
My neighbors, who are Assembly of God Christians, attended their first Catholic funeral today and were kind of taken aback by it. They thought it was very impersonal and lacking in any kind of personal touch, kind of a cookie cutter ‘Insert name here’ sort of thing.

That is what they told my wife, anyway, and I heard that from her. I plan to share with them soon that they shouldn’t expect a Catholic funeral to be like one in their own faith tradition. In my opinion it’s kind of like comparing apples and oranges.

In some protestant faith traditions, the person who passed away is eulogized during the funeral ceremony. People who were near and dear to the deceased person sometimes are allowed to speak for a couple of minutes and share how the person affected their life in a positive way.

For example, when my father passed away in 2011 (lifelong Presbyterian), my childhood friend was allowed to tell a brief story at the funeral of how my father saved his son’s life when he hurt himself seriously in a nearby playground when he was little and my father was working nearby, saw it, applied a tourniquet and took him to his parents so they could take him to the hospital.

There are hymns and prayer and scripture reading too, but I’ve found that a Protestant funeral can vary quite a bit depending on the faith tradition and the family’s wishes.

I plan to share with my neighbors that the purpose of a Catholic funeral (or at least my understanding of it) is to pray for the repose of the soul of the person and for the Lord to have mercy on them.

For Catholics, it is my understanding that eulogies are typically not done at the funeral mass but are done outside of it at the vigil or at a Memorial Service separate from the funeral mass. It’s not that Catholics do not celebrate the life of the person who died – however they believe in Purgatory and therefore they believe it is most important to pray for the soul of the person at the funeral and for the mercy of God on the deceased.
Catholics celebrate the life of the person who passed away, they just do it outside of the funeral Mass.

Did I express the Catholic funeral tradition correctly? Please correct, clarify, or elaborate as necessary to make sure I can help explain to my neighbor the real purpose of the Catholic funeral mass because I want to get it right. Thanks.

 

[Lenten_ashes]

I think you did a decent job there.

If a Christian is not accustomed to attending Mass then he/she certainly would have issue with a Catholic funeral.

As you put it, we are praying for the soul of the individual there, and, in fact, many more masses will likely be done in honor of that person. It wouldn’t stop there.

Of course they will likely still object, but I don’t see us ever agreeing on justification so it’s pointless to get too in depth imo.

 

[spedteacherita]

For as long as I have attended Lutheran churches I have never gone to a funeral at one. My family is Congregationalis, Baptist, Methodist, Non-denominational and me, Lutheran. The churches my family and extended family attend all have a time for eulogies. My dad passed just over 5 years ago and the funeral had his favorite hymns, 2 pastors messages (both were important in the last year or so in my dad’s life) eulogies from any who would like to go up and talk.

I forgot - the family stayed out in the “narthex” (not sure what the Methodists call it) area with the casket. When it was time to go in to the church all of our family members walked behind the casket to the front of the church. When the service was over we all followed the casket out and watched as it was put in the hearse. His funeral was in December and his internment was not until the next April - Dad didn’t want people to be out in the cold for that part of the service.

Any other of our family or friends’ churches were pretty much the same.

I may get the chance to go to a Lutheran funeral (finally) this next week as a dear friend from my undergrad Alma Mater just passed.

I’ll keep an eye on this thread because I’d like to see how other faith traditions’ funerals are done.

God bless!

Rita

 

[Usige]

You did a fair job explaining it. One important item is that a Catholic Mass does not allow for laity to speak form the pulpit unless it is in some very structured places (old testament or epistle reading, prayers of the faithful, etc). The place a eulogy might go is during the homily and only a member of the clergy may preach the homily. The Order for Christian Funerals is also implicit that a euology not be given (“a brief homily should be given at the funeral liturgy, but never any kind of eulogy”). The important thing is it is a Mass first and foremost so the focus should be on the word of God. The best time for personal remembrances would be at the wake, graveside, or any social activity after the burial.

I think you touched on another important point in regard to purgatory. Eulogies often become mini-canonizations. By that I mean that people talk about how good the deceased was and how they are sitting with Jesus looking down from Heaven. From a Catholic perspective that can be problematic in that it assumes that the deceased no longer needs our prayers. We can hope that they are in heaven, but never assume they are and stop praying for their soul.

 

[Georgia]

Usige described the way my Fundamentalist family conducts funerals. By way of explanation, I am the only one who has crossed the Tiber.

The belief in once saved, always saved and no belief in Purgatory means there will be no prayers for the soul of the deceased. Funerals start with a hymn, followed by a prayer for the family, and a sermon. All have been about the deceased’s faith, how that person is now looking down on us from Heaven, and that he or she would love to tell us to have faith in order to go to Heaven too. Family members of friends may be invited to speak. There are closing prayers and a hymn or two. It lasts less than thirty minutes, but twenty minutes would be the average.

Most attendees then go to the graveside where there will be a prayer for the family, brief remarks, another prayer, and giving their respects to the family before leaving.

Graveside services are fairly common too. They work much the same way, but there are no hymns, only prayers for the family, a very brief sermon, and a closing prayer.

 

[Memaw]

Background:
My neighbors, who are Assembly of God Christians, attended their first Catholic funeral today and were kind of taken aback by it. They thought it was very impersonal and lacking in any kind of personal touch, kind of a cookie cutter ‘Insert name here’ sort of thing.

That is what they told my wife, anyway, and I heard that from her. I plan to share with them soon that they shouldn’t expect a Catholic funeral to be like one in their own faith tradition. In my opinion it’s kind of like comparing apples and oranges.

In some protestant faith traditions, the person who passed away is eulogized during the funeral ceremony. People who were near and dear to the deceased person sometimes are allowed to speak for a couple of minutes and share how the person affected their life in a positive way.

For example, when my father passed away in 2011 (lifelong Presbyterian), my childhood friend was allowed to tell a brief story at the funeral of how my father saved his son’s life when he hurt himself seriously in a nearby playground when he was little and my father was working nearby, saw it, applied a tourniquet and took him to his parents so they could take him to the hospital.

There are hymns and prayer and scripture reading too, but I’ve found that a Protestant funeral can vary quite a bit depending on the faith tradition and the family’s wishes.

I plan to share with my neighbors that the purpose of a Catholic funeral (or at least my understanding of it) is to pray for the repose of the soul of the person and for the Lord to have mercy on them.

For Catholics, it is my understanding that eulogies are typically not done at the funeral mass but are done outside of it at the vigil or at a Memorial Service separate from the funeral mass. It’s not that Catholics do not celebrate the life of the person who died – however they believe in Purgatory and therefore they believe it is most important to pray for the soul of the person at the funeral and for the mercy of God on the deceased.
Catholics celebrate the life of the person who passed away, they just do it outside of the funeral Mass.

Did I express the Catholic funeral tradition correctly? Please correct, clarify, or elaborate as necessary to make sure I can help explain to my neighbor the real purpose of the Catholic funeral mass because I want to get it right. Thanks.

Years ago, my brother’s wife divorced him and remarried, left the Catholic Church, (she was a convert), joined a protestant church and a few years later died instantly in a car accident. I was very close to her before this all happened. I had never been to a non-Catholic funeral before! I went to her funeral with the children, (all adults). It was so sad, Not one word about praying for her, of course NO Mass for her. I was so sad, I cried softly throughout. The tears just wouldn’t stop flowing. Her family, (siblings) were not Catholic and they thought the sermon was great even tho the preacher admitted he never met her before. She has been in my prayers everyday and always will be. When you don’t understand what the Catholic Mass is and means, I guess one would settle for anything. God Bless, Memaw

 

[jcwit]

Question here, is a Military Service by an Honor Guard allowed at the cemetery? I am not confirmed yet, Easter vigil is just around the corner. But have now found that I have serious life threating issues and am making some minor plans.

 

[Memaw]

Question here, is a Military Service by an Honor Guard allowed at the cemetery? I am not confirmed yet, Easter vigil is just around the corner. But have now found that I have serious life threating issues and am making some minor plans.

Yes of course, the Casket is even covered with an American Flag. Welcome home! Prayers and Masses for your complete recovery. God Bless, Memaw

 

[Tommy999]

I think you did a decent job there.

If a Christian is not accustomed to attending Mass then he/she certainly would have issue with a Catholic funeral.

As you put it, we are praying for the soul of the individual there, and, in fact, many more masses will likely be done in honor of that person. It wouldn’t stop there.

Of course they will likely still object, but I don’t see us ever agreeing on justification so it’s pointless to get too in depth imo.

Thanks, Lenten_ashes. Based on what my wife told me, I think their main issue was the lack of a eulogy and “personal touch” and perhaps their unfamiliarity with Catholic funeral mass protocol, but I will find out more when I talk to them. They are pretty respectful in general of other faith traditions and I suspect it is mainly a lack of understanding about when eulogies are done for Catholics.

 

[Tommy999]

For as long as I have attended Lutheran churches I have never gone to a funeral at one. My family is Congregationalis, Baptist, Methodist, Non-denominational and me, Lutheran. The churches my family and extended family attend all have a time for eulogies. My dad passed just over 5 years ago and the funeral had his favorite hymns, 2 pastors messages (both were important in the last year or so in my dad’s life) eulogies from any who would like to go up and talk.

I forgot - the family stayed out in the “narthex” (not sure what the Methodists call it) area with the casket. When it was time to go in to the church all of our family members walked behind the casket to the front of the church. When the service was over we all followed the casket out and watched as it was put in the hearse. His funeral was in December and his internment was not until the next April - Dad didn’t want people to be out in the cold for that part of the service.

Any other of our family or friends’ churches were pretty much the same.

I may get the chance to go to a Lutheran funeral (finally) this next week as a dear friend from my undergrad Alma Mater just passed.

I’ll keep an eye on this thread because I’d like to see how other faith traditions’ funerals are done.

God bless!

Rita

Hi Rita,
I attended one Lutheran funeral. It was for the father of a friend of mine from work.

My friend’s dad was a Lutheran associate pastor in charge of visitation. It was a very nice funeral and well attended. I could tell the man was well respected and liked by many at that church.

His son-in-law, who is also a Lutheran pastor from out of state, officiated. It reminded me more of a standard Protestant funeral in terms of what they did, but the personal and family aspect of having the son-in-law officiate and tell a few personal anecdotes of the deceased reminded me a little of Justice Scalia’s funeral mass done by Father Scalia.

 

[Tommy999]

You did a fair job explaining it. One important item is that a Catholic Mass does not allow for laity to speak form the pulpit unless it is in some very structured places (old testament or epistle reading, prayers of the faithful, etc). The place a eulogy might go is during the homily and only a member of the clergy may preach the homily. The Order for Christian Funerals is also implicit that a euology not be given (“a brief homily should be given at the funeral liturgy, but never any kind of eulogy”). The important thing is it is a Mass first and foremost so the focus should be on the word of God. The best time for personal remembrances would be at the wake, graveside, or any social activity after the burial.

I think you touched on another important point in regard to purgatory. Eulogies often become mini-canonizations. By that I mean that people talk about how good the deceased was and how they are sitting with Jesus looking down from Heaven. From a Catholic perspective that can be problematic in that it assumes that the deceased no longer needs our prayers. We can hope that they are in heaven, but never assume they are and stop praying for their soul.

Thanks, Usige. The Catholic funeral mass, in that respect, seems more practical in that it is praying for the soul of the deceased and not forgetting they might still need our prayers, compared to the focus to console the family and celebrate the life of the deceased, which seems to be more of the focus at the Protestant funerals I’ve attended. I think it is generally assumed at some of them that the person is already in heaven, because there isn’t a belief in purgatory. There is also a belief (in general) that when you die, that’s it. It’s all settled and no amount of prayer will change things. Catholics believe praying for them even after death may still help.

When I was younger. I was never been a big fan of funerals in general and used to try to get out of going to them whenever I could, regardless of the faith tradition. I would go to visitation only. When my wife asked me about it, I would answer, “If there was a way I could get out of going to my own when I die, I would do that, too”. I’ve softened my stance since then, especially when I think that I could be helping the deceased person by praying for them.

 

[Tommy999]

Usige described the way my Fundamentalist family conducts funerals. By way of explanation, I am the only one who has crossed the Tiber.

The belief in once saved, always saved and no belief in Purgatory means there will be no prayers for the soul of the deceased. Funerals start with a hymn, followed by a prayer for the family, and a sermon. All have been about the deceased’s faith, how that person is now looking down on us from Heaven, and that he or she would love to tell us to have faith in order to go to Heaven too. Family members of friends may be invited to speak. There are closing prayers and a hymn or two. It lasts less than thirty minutes, but twenty minutes would be the average.

Most attendees then go to the graveside where there will be a prayer for the family, brief remarks, another prayer, and giving their respects to the family before leaving.

Graveside services are fairly common too. They work much the same way, but there are no hymns, only prayers for the family, a very brief sermon, and a closing prayer.

Thanks for the explanation, Georgia. That is pretty similar to the ones I’ve attended, for the most part. Hopefully, these family members will still attend your funeral mass at your Catholic parish whenever the time comes and not refuse to go because you are Catholic, although I hope and pray you have many more good and happy years to come before that event takes place.

 

[Tommy999]

Yes of course, the Casket is even covered with an American Flag. Welcome home! Prayers and Masses for your complete recovery. God Bless, Memaw

I was hoping a Catholic would be able to answer jcwit’s question. Thanks, Memaw.

 

[Tommy999]

Years ago, my brother’s wife divorced him and remarried, left the Catholic Church, (she was a convert), joined a protestant church and a few years later died instantly in a car accident. I was very close to her before this all happened. I had never been to a non-Catholic funeral before! I went to her funeral with the children, (all adults). It was so sad, Not one word about praying for her, of course NO Mass for her. I was so sad, I cried softly throughout. The tears just wouldn’t stop flowing. Her family, (siblings) were not Catholic and they thought the sermon was great even tho the preacher admitted he never met her before. She has been in my prayers everyday and always will be. When you don’t understand what the Catholic Mass is and means, I guess one would settle for anything. God Bless, Memaw

Sorry about your sister-in-law, Memaw. I can tell this still hurts as you tell it.

For me, the saddest funerals of all are for those who rejected God as atheists or agnostics. I’ve been at funerals before where people were naturally sad, but it was a hopeful sadness, if I may describe it that way. The faithful knew the deceased was a Christ-follower and so the tears were not hopeless ones.

On the other hand, my brother in law was an agnostic. When he died, there wasn’t a funeral at all. His body was cremated and his wife and daughter opened their home for a memorial of sorts where his picture, his artwork, and other stuff were displayed.

A few of his buddies told nice stories about him, then some of those who wanted to do so toasted him with a shot of whiskey. The sad part was that he loved God when he was young, then he went to the military and came back cynical of everything, including religion.

 

[Peter_J]

Background:
My neighbors, who are Assembly of God Christians, attended their first Catholic funeral today and were kind of taken aback by it. They thought it was very impersonal and lacking in any kind of personal touch, kind of a cookie cutter ‘Insert name here’ sort of thing.

That is what they told my wife, anyway, and I heard that from her. I plan to share with them soon that they shouldn’t expect a Catholic funeral to be like one in their own faith tradition. In my opinion it’s kind of like comparing apples and oranges.

In some protestant faith traditions, the person who passed away is eulogized during the funeral ceremony. People who were near and dear to the deceased person sometimes are allowed to speak for a couple of minutes and share how the person affected their life in a positive way.

For example, when my father passed away in 2011 (lifelong Presbyterian), my childhood friend was allowed to tell a brief story at the funeral of how my father saved his son’s life when he hurt himself seriously in a nearby playground when he was little and my father was working nearby, saw it, applied a tourniquet and took him to his parents so they could take him to the hospital.

There are hymns and prayer and scripture reading too, but I’ve found that a Protestant funeral can vary quite a bit depending on the faith tradition and the family’s wishes.

I plan to share with my neighbors that the purpose of a Catholic funeral (or at least my understanding of it) is to pray for the repose of the soul of the person and for the Lord to have mercy on them.

For Catholics, it is my understanding that eulogies are typically not done at the funeral mass but are done outside of it at the vigil or at a Memorial Service separate from the funeral mass. It’s not that Catholics do not celebrate the life of the person who died – however they believe in Purgatory and therefore they believe it is most important to pray for the soul of the person at the funeral and for the mercy of God on the deceased.
Catholics celebrate the life of the person who passed away, they just do it outside of the funeral Mass.

Did I express the Catholic funeral tradition correctly? Please correct, clarify, or elaborate as necessary to make sure I can help explain to my neighbor the real purpose of the Catholic funeral mass because I want to get it right. Thanks.

Hi Tommy999. I guess I’d give you a two part answer.

First off, it has been my experience on the internet (low-key background music) that people often quote the Order of Christian Funerals: “A brief homily based on the readings should always be given at the funeral liturgy, but never any kind of eulogy.” And they are right, of course, to quote that Vatican document; but let me point out that the very same document also says “A member or friend of the family may speak in remembrance of the deceased before the final commendation begins.” (I will refrain from attempting to define the precise line between that and a eulogy.)

That being said, I can’t say why that didn’t happen at the funeral you mentioned – I’d guess it’s either a matter of the family’s preference or of the guidelines of that parish or diocese, or a combination thereof – but I can tell you that it is usually done where I live.

(Side note: we Catholics may not be any where as “motley” as the Anglicans are, but we also aren’t as monolithic as many non-Catholics think we are. :dts

 

[ComplineSanFran]

Hi Tommy999. I guess I’d give you a two part answer.

First off, it has been my experience on the internet (low-key background music) that people often quote the Order of Christian Funerals: “A brief homily based on the readings should always be given at the funeral liturgy, but never any kind of eulogy.” And they are right, of course, to quote that Vatican document; but let me point out that the very same document also says “A member or friend of the family may speak in remembrance of the deceased before the final commendation begins.” (I will refrain from attempting to define the precise line between that and a eulogy.)

That being said, I can’t say why that didn’t happen at the funeral you mentioned – I’d guess it’s either a matter of the family’s preference or of the guidelines of that parish or diocese, or a combination thereof – but I can tell you that it is usually done where I live.

(Side note: we Catholics may not be any where as “motley” as the Anglicans are, but we also aren’t as monolithic as many non-Catholics think we are. :dts

I agree with you. In my experience over the past five or six years, either the homilist has reflected on the person during the homily or has invited family/friends to come to the front before the final commendation to eulogize. They were short eulogies, to be sure, not lengthy ones you might see in some other churches, but they were well appreciated.

In the Anglican churches, custom usually takes over also. If there is a Eucharist, short eulogists will be invited after the sermon, or before the final commendation. If no Eucharist, then usually after the sermon.

I have been to non-denominational funerals, many times in the funeral home, and the service is basically all tributes to the person who has died.

 

[Tommy999]

Hi Tommy999. I guess I’d give you a two part answer.

First off, it has been my experience on the internet (low-key background music) that people often quote the Order of Christian Funerals: “A brief homily based on the readings should always be given at the funeral liturgy, but never any kind of eulogy.” And they are right, of course, to quote that Vatican document; but let me point out that the very same document also says “A member or friend of the family may speak in remembrance of the deceased before the final commendation begins.” (I will refrain from attempting to define the precise line between that and a eulogy.)

That being said, I can’t say why that didn’t happen at the funeral you mentioned – I’d guess it’s either a matter of the family’s preference or of the guidelines of that parish or diocese, or a combination thereof – but I can tell you that it is usually done where I live.

(Side note: we Catholics may not be any where as “motley” as the Anglicans are, but we also aren’t as monolithic as many non-Catholics think we are. :dts

Hi Peter J,
Thanks for the info. Good to know.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

Years ago, my brother’s wife divorced him and remarried, left the Catholic Church, (she was a convert), joined a protestant church and a few years later died instantly in a car accident. I was very close to her before this all happened. I had never been to a non-Catholic funeral before! I went to her funeral with the children, (all adults). It was so sad, Not one word about praying for her, of course NO Mass for her. I was so sad, I cried softly throughout. The tears just wouldn’t stop flowing. Her family, (siblings) were not Catholic and they thought the sermon was great even tho the preacher admitted he never met her before. She has been in my prayers everyday and always will be. When you don’t understand what the Catholic Mass is and means, I guess one would settle for anything. God Bless, Memaw

I felt as you do, Memaw, when I attended a Protestant funeral. Sad. God bless you, too, Memaw. It’s good to see you posting.

 

[Peter_J]

I agree with you. In my experience over the past five or six years, either the homilist has reflected on the person during the homily or has invited family/friends to come to the front before the final commendation to eulogize. They were short eulogies, to be sure, not lengthy ones you might see in some other churches, but they were well appreciated.

Exactly … well, except that as a stickler I have to point out that we wouldn’t technically call it a “eulogy”.

Technically being the key word – I don’t think I have ever been to one where it was pointed out that it isn’t a “eulogy”, or ever heard anyone correct someone for calling it a “eulogy”. But I have heard people privately talking about the speaker “got carried away” and so on.

 

[Tommy999]

I agree with you. In my experience over the past five or six years, either the homilist has reflected on the person during the homily or has invited family/friends to come to the front before the final commendation to eulogize. They were short eulogies, to be sure, not lengthy ones you might see in some other churches, but they were well appreciated.
In the Anglican churches, custom usually takes over also. If there is a Eucharist, short eulogists will be invited after the sermon, or before the final commendation. If no Eucharist, then usually after the sermon.

I have been to non-denominational funerals, many times in the funeral home, and the service is basically all tributes to the person who has died.

Thanks, ComplineSanFran.

The part I highlighted in black sounds like the funerals I am most personally accustomed to.

However, the part I highlighted in red seems to becoming more of a trend, especially for non-denominationalists. While I respect all faith traditions, I think a funeral service of mostly all tributes can devolve into a “free-for-all” without a set structure. I know someone who attended one of those and said that people who were not stable emotionally or mentally got up and went off on tangents for several minutes and it became a little unruly.