Complicated interfaith marriage situation

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Ben-Ben

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Hey,
I’m in a complicated and really frustrating situation. I’ve been engaged for almost 10 months now, and plan to get married in a year (once both of us graduate from college). Both of us have grown up Protestant, and are practicing Christians. What complicates it is that I’m converting to Catholicism, and she probably isn’t (though she’s reading and checking things out).

The big issue (though not the only one) at this point is how we’re going to have our wedding. I’ve been told that if one or both parties is a confirmed Catholic the wedding has to be in a Catholic Church to be valid. I have no problem with this, but my bride, both our families, and most of our friends are Protestant. We have been making tentative wedding plans since before I began serioiusly considering conversion.

My faith is important to me, and I certainly don’t want to kick off my marriage by knowingly violating canon law, but my conversion has already been extremely painful to my parents, and I don’t want to hurt them or my bride any more than I have to. Also, it would seem very, very awkward to tell our parents (who are paying for most of the wedding) that they have to pay for a Catholic wedding. Blech. Anyway, what’s the ruling on something like having two ceremonies, or a less formal Catholic ceremony, if such a thing exists (outdoors and less formula, maybe)?
 
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Ben-Ben:
Hey,
I’m in a complicated and really frustrating situation. I’ve been engaged for almost 10 months now, and plan to get married in a year (once both of us graduate from college). Both of us have grown up Protestant, and are practicing Christians. What complicates it is that I’m converting to Catholicism, and she probably isn’t (though she’s reading and checking things out).

The big issue (though not the only one) at this point is how we’re going to have our wedding. I’ve been told that if one or both parties is a confirmed Catholic the wedding has to be in a Catholic Church to be valid. I have no problem with this, but my bride, both our families, and most of our friends are Protestant. We have been making tentative wedding plans since before I began serioiusly considering conversion.

My faith is important to me, and I certainly don’t want to kick off my marriage by knowingly violating canon law, but my conversion has already been extremely painful to my parents, and I don’t want to hurt them or my bride any more than I have to. Also, it would seem very, very awkward to tell our parents (who are paying for most of the wedding) that they have to pay for a Catholic wedding. Blech. Anyway, what’s the ruling on something like having two ceremonies, or a less formal Catholic ceremony, if such a thing exists (outdoors and less formula, maybe)?
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I have found that these kinds of situations are only as complicated as we make them. You should decide if you are Catholic or not. If you are Catholic, you need to approach the sacraments from a Catholic perspective. If your fiance is not on board with you in your Faithful journey, then you may not be compatible with her.

If you are not Catholic, then you don’t have a problem!

I think a bigger problem (more than the wedding) is how are you going to rear any children you might have!?

If you are having such a tough time now over the ceremony, can you imagine a lifetime of religious decision making for your children?

As a child from a mixed marriage, I can speak of this. The division only makes it harder when each spouse wants their own religion.

Pay for your own wedding. That will keep the parents and relatives at bay.

The value of possessing good sense is in using it.
 
By your post it sounds like you are not a Catholic yet. If this is the case then you should get married in the protestant church you, your future wife and family are currently members of. If your serious about converting to the Catholic Church, a simple marriage validation ceremony can be done once you and your wife enter into the Catholic Church.

Doing this should give your future wife more time to consider entering into the Catholic Faith, you made it seem like she wasn’t as far along in her conversion process as you are. It would also resolve the issue of Protestant parents paying for a Catholic wedding. They wouldn’t have to and it would give them more time to also get used to the fact of you becoming a Catholic.

Hope this helps.
 
**You should talk with your pastor for pastoral guidance. **

The biggest issue I see is as a Catholic, you must agree to bring up your children Catholic. This is another topic for pastoral guidance.

Call him and set up an appointment or see him through the regular sacrament of reconciliation in which you not only discuss sins but get spiritual direction as well.
 
I think you must take into consideration the will of God.

Pray about it and decide if God would rather have you catholic and possibly single for a while until you find a catholic mate, or if God would want you to remain in a protestant religion and married to a protestant wife.

Once you are married, it will make things even more complicated as in any marriage, two become one, and any decisions you make will have an effect on both of you, not to mention children you may be blessed with.

So my suggestion to you is PRAY.
 
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Ben-Ben:
Hey,
I’m in a complicated and really frustrating situation. I’ve been engaged for almost 10 months now, and plan to get married in a year (once both of us graduate from college). Both of us have grown up Protestant, and are practicing Christians. What complicates it is that I’m converting to Catholicism, and she probably isn’t (though she’s reading and checking things out).

The big issue (though not the only one) at this point is how we’re going to have our wedding. I’ve been told that if one or both parties is a confirmed Catholic the wedding has to be in a Catholic Church to be valid. I have no problem with this, but my bride, both our families, and most of our friends are Protestant. We have been making tentative wedding plans since before I began serioiusly considering conversion.

My faith is important to me, and I certainly don’t want to kick off my marriage by knowingly violating canon law, but my conversion has already been extremely painful to my parents, and I don’t want to hurt them or my bride any more than I have to. Also, it would seem very, very awkward to tell our parents (who are paying for most of the wedding) that they have to pay for a Catholic wedding. Blech. Anyway, what’s the ruling on something like having two ceremonies, or a less formal Catholic ceremony, if such a thing exists (outdoors and less formula, maybe)?
Click to expand...
In the Catholic Church does not mean physically in a Catholic Church. It means according to Catholic Canon Law. Start now by speaking with your soon to be pastor. He can help obtain the necessary permissions. You can’t have two weddings and the Priest cannot “share” the wedding with a Protestant minister. Either one or the other must conduct the wedding, the other is a witness. Outdoors is very hard to get permission for because the Catholic Church requires all Sacraments to celebrated in Sacred space, the church building when possible. You have time you just need to work through it.
 
Before worrying about the wedding, I would sort out your faith and that of your fiancee. Remember, as a Catholic you will be obligated to (1) uphold the Catholic practice of no articial means of birth control and (2) you must raise your children as Catholics.

Will your fiancee be okay with this? Really okay? What will you do if she decides to use contraception? Or decides that she doesn’t want her children to be raised as Catholics?

You aren’t married yet. I would definitely not continue on the path of marriage until all the faith issues are sorted out.
 
Just remember Jesus is the way, and the truth, and the life no one comes to the Father except through him. Catholics know this and Protestants know this. Please keep this in mind because really you are not talking about interfaith marriage, because both of your faiths accept Jesus as your lord and saviour.
 
familyministries.org/www.inthespiritofcana.org/2.6.10.htm

Check out this website from the archdiocese of Chicago about marriage between a Catholic and a Christian. There is also something called a “dispensation from canonical form.” Please also take advantage of the marriage prep offered in the Catholic church. It is a powerful tool to strengthen this wonderful sacrament. Pray, Pray and Pray always.
 
What it comes down to is what the two of you want. If she’s willing to get married in the Church, then do it. I’m not saying to disregard your families, but this is your faith, your marriage. My husband is not Catholic, I am. The majority of the people at our wedding are not Catholic–my immediate family (with the exception of my mom), some extended, and a few friends. When we married, we had the formal marriage, but did not include the Eucharist. I talked to my priest; I didn’t want to do something during the wedding that my husband couldn’t take part in, and our priest agreed. There are ways to be married in the Church that won’t freak out your family (assuming they are comfortable with your conversion). Talk to your fiance, talk to the priest who would be marrying you, and most importantly, pray about this. Good luck to you!
 
Ben,

First Breath! Welcome to the RC family! We are so glad to have you here! You have already been through some big changes in your life. Funny thing about college, it is where you truly find yourself and where you want to be. I am a “cradle” Catholic and when I met my husband he was Presbyterian. I tell you this, because I know where you are coming from. Now the advice!

A lot can happen in a year! Do not pressure your fiance on her faith, only the Holy Spirit can call her to Catholicism. Presurring her will make her run for the hills. When She learns the truth, she will make the call. Only thing you can do is pray that the Holy Spirit guides your words when you discuss Catholicism, pray for her, and wait! Converts make great Catholics! My Husband did convert, but it was 4 years after our marriage. He said it was obvious to him after he learned the truth.

The dispensation form that must be signed if you marry a non-Catholic in the Catholic church technically says you will consider raising your children Catholic. I know someone is going to blast me on this, but go read the form. This was a stickler for my in-laws (mother-in-law hates Catholicism, but that is another story!) You also have to have something signed saying you or your fiance have never been married before so you are free to marry. You must also attend either Pre-Canna, Engagement Encounter, or Priestly Counseling. (I had to do the counseling because I married a sailor, could not get the timing right).

Something else that will probably get blasted, you can marry outside of the Church then have your marriage blessed by a Catholic Priest in the Church. I see that no one has said this yet. It is not the optimal way, but it will ensure that the Church sees your marriage valid. We has someone just join the Catholic Church at my parish and had the marriage blessed this way.

Now my husband made the call on getting married in a Catholic Service because he wanted desperatly to get married at his College’s Chapel as opposed to the traditional bride’s home town. I do advise that if you do do the Catholic ceremony, leave out the communion because in your situation it will not go over well. We were married during lent, so it was not even an option. The groom’s family payed for the rehersal dinner, and my parents covered most of the reception and wedding costs. We payed for the remainder wedding costs and honeymoon.

I must state this though, marriage is very serious. You have a lot of things to get discussed BEFORE the wedding, even if it means postponing for a little while. If it is meant to be, it will all work out. Pray the Serenity prayer! May God Bless You in Your Journey!
 
Go for the dispensation from canonical form, as long as there have been no prior marriages. You intimated that a Catholic wedding will cost you big bucks. Most parishes if you are parishioner, will charge you about $200 plus and organist. And marriage prep for a pre-cana class will be around $125. That is not expensive at all. Please read the link. If you go for a convalidation it will still cost you the same thing and you still have to do all the necessary paper work of witnesses etc. Please go to the inthespiritofcana.org link.
 
It is possible, once you have become Catholic, to receive a dispensation from the Church to have the ceremony in a non-Catholic church. If the Church allows it though, you still should make sure the Protestant pastor would allow a Catholic priest to do a wedding in his church. When my aunt married a Catholic, the priest agreed to do the wedding in the Baptist church she grew up in. The preacher, though, wouldn’t agree to let a Catholic priest in his church. She later converted to Catholicism.
 
Actually, another option is to wait until after your marriage to convert. This way, maybe your wife will be ready to convert too and you could enter the church together. Any marriage between two non-Catholic baptized Christians (who haven’t been married before) is considered sacramental and valid by the church already. It is common for one spouse who IS ready to convert to wait a year or more for the one who isn’t yet ready.
 
Three things a couple should agree on before marriage:
  1. Faith
  2. Family
  3. Finances
If you aren’t simpatico on those three things, you are just begging for trouble. People think “As long as we love each other, nothing else matters.” HA!

There’s a very good reason why God prohibited the Israelites from inter-marrying with the pagans in the Old Testament. He knows that passion can cloud a person’s judgement and lead them into error. No, I’m not equating Protestants and pagans. I’m saying if you don’t agree on something as fundamental as Faith with your spouse, you are in for a miserable marriage. Eventually, you’ll find yourself making compromises to accomodate your wife or family, compromises which will make it impossible for you to live according to your Catholic Faith.

Just my advice. Take it for what it’s worth. :tiphat:
 
I agree with Dr. Bombay, et al. There are so many red flags here, that is it prudent to wait and see how issues resolve themselves. The couple is young and there is plenty of time.

Otherwise–God forbid, but–these very matters may become the focus of a later tribunal inquiry. Take time now to deal with these issues and see how things will play out, so that never comes to pass.
 
I had the list of your three completely talked out, we were in complete unison. Marriage changed him into a conplete neanderthol. What once spoke of equality and sharing, being there for each other, raising Catholic children, wanting children, and how important it was for me to stay home with the children at least untill they were all in school full day. We have two years of half day before grade one here.

This turned into a complete disaster that i am trying to fix. He wanted a Catholic, and Catholic children, yet he refuses to speak of god and controdicts me on his existence in front of the children. He wanted two children, and that we have. He wanted full controle over ever having more and had a visectomy. At that, i am constantly being under the shaddow of his grudge. We as a family unit cost too much, and All is my fault. Finances are a laugh, he asks for a list of what we need, and then alters it based on what he feels we need. Then we switched over to a monthly amount given to me, and no matter the pain, or financial emergency, he sits back with his tickets for his next concert of nearly 100 dollars with intentions of a t-shirt od 50 dollars and we have no milk. Takes the oportunity to tell the children it is my fault there is no milk.

Total re-negging of all formal contracts or negotiations with me prior, stating that that was to “catch” you and this is now, deal!!!

Discussing is really good, but not always a solid keeper.
 
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