Complimenting women

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Eh, it just depends on the particular subculture.

I’ve occasionally casually complimented women who work in education and I doubt they thought I was gay or weird. One of the special education teachers liked to wear flashy clothing and I complimented her a few times about it and she visibly lit up to it. I know I wasn’t the only one to do it. I’ll also give the occasional compliment to my aunts and they like it.
 
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There are good compliments and bad compliments.
Unless someone says something really obnoxious, I don’t mind compliments.

Almost worse, in my opinion, than bad compliments are the people that think it’s okay to critique what you are wearing. “That lipstick is too red.” “You should dye your hair.”

Ladies are often worse than men with the “anti-compliments.”
 
Batman2.0 said:
Okay so this may be kind of a weird question, but I really need a good Catholic perspective on this. Is it good for young men to compliment a woman on her appearance? Is that a good and virtuous thing for Catholic men to do? And of course, I am talking about appropriate compliments. Thank you all so much!
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This is not really a religious top. It’s a societal one.

In today’s American society* (esp post #MeToo) it’s becoming dangerous for a man to compliment a woman based on her appearance - esp if she’s a feminist.

*Perhaps there are others Western countries where this is an issue too.
 
I am not sure this is always virtuous. Modern beauty images for women are based on some pretty dark, evil intentions to make women feel insecure about their looks to sell beauty products and images.

From a Catholic perspective, when you lift someone up, you are acting as the body of Christ, spreading God’s love for his creation through yourself. So if you focus on that, your compliments will be well received and virtuous. But don’t focus on a woman’s looks then. The problems come in if you ONLY compliment a woman for her looks while complimenting men for their work, skill etc. That is the double standard.

I had a surgeon once who changed my life. She did an incredibly skillful job and I complimented her (for her surgical skills) and she changed my life for the better. She was also gorgeous.

When woman and girls only receive compliments for their looks, think of all of the skilled surgeons, etc that we miss out on because they don’t get noticed or rewarded for those things in a society that only focuses on looks. So please be sensitive to that and you will be fine.

I think it is NOT virtuous to only compliment women for their looks. It holds them back. Help let their light shine. Lift them up in the way that God sees them.
 
I’d say test the waters with how she reacts to a non physical compliment. If she seems like someone whose day is brightened by compliments, proceed with non creepy conpliments.

I’ve only just gotten to where I have trained myself to smile and say thank you rather than tear down/undo whatever nice thing a person said to/about me. Compliments, even quite genuine ones make me so uncomfortable unless they are written and we aren’t in the same room. And that’s not a gendered thing. It applies to both males and females paying me compliments.

Footnote/PSA: compliment and praise your children when reasonable so they don’t grow up thinking they are garbage and are made uncomfortable by compliments.
 
I saw this and wanted to jump in with my two cents - I agree with others who say it depends on context and it’s too bad that a simple compliment can be taken the wrong way. However, I’d like to share some encounters I’ve had as food for thought. I’ve been approached by men I don’t know on three occasions at and during Mass (yes during Mass - twice they left their pews during the sign of peace to approach me and comment on my appearance). As a young single woman who attends Mass alone this has made for a very uncomfortable environment - I try to trust my gut and although I believe one encounter was harmless (albeit a bit bizarre) another incident led me to alert my pastor and church staff because I felt unsafe. So maybe just go with your gut whether it seems appropriate or not? I’d also add that I dress conservatively and go to my parish’s main Sunday Mass which is well attended and has many families present which to me, makes this behavior even more strange. In any case, I’d much rather hear “nice to see you” than “you always look so good”.
 
As I was taught in corporate HR training, know your audience, err on the side of not saying anything.

Your sister, mom, great aunt? Of course complement their beauty and mind and actions, etc. Goes double for your wife.

At work or school, I would not do it. It can come off as making a woman only about her looks.
 
I think the tone of a complement says a lot. Obviously, never say anything inappropriate. But telling someone “you look nice today” or “ I like your necklace” has never gotten me in trouble. It’s a sad world when we can’t say something nice to someone.
 
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I OFTEN compliment strangers “Your shoes are great!” “That bag is amazing!” “I like that coat!!” or necklace or tie or perfume or specific cosmetic “What hi-light are you wearing?” Not that long ago, I asked the lady in the fast food drive thru window what lipstick she was wearing.

Maybe it is that women know the right way to complement other women?
 
It’s a tricky thing, not just because how much more aware society is of sexual harassment issues, but also because you don’t necessarily know how people relate to their looks.

I don’t like the way I look, and never have. I was bullied for it in school. Today, compliments about my looks still make me feel like I’m being made fun of. I know it’s most likely not true, but I can’t help it.

Compliments about one particular item of clothing are better, like “nice cardigan, did you make it ?” (I’m a knitter, so most people who know me will ask 😜)

But what I like most are compliments about a job well done !
 
OddBird said:
But what I like most are compliments about a job well done !
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This reminds me of my work about 22 years ago. I worked with a team of five people, with several levels of management nearby. One young woman who worked with us was very attractive and athletic. She drew a lot of attention from guys. She also had her head on straight and was very competent at her job, which was the same as mine. We had a very good working relationship. Something had happened during a late night shift to another team member’s area of responsibility and he was at a loss of what the problem was, as was our team lead (with Big ego). I spotted the problem and directed the other team member what to do. Problem was solved, but if it had not been it would have cost our company over $1Million. I was just happy I was able to help and nothing was said by my team lead or management, even though a report had to be written about the incident. A week later, another incident occurred with the woman member of our team and she resolved it herself quickly. Later that shift three levels of management came in to congratulate her on a job well done and gave her a gift card award as a show of appreciation. She was furious! She asked why she would get this recognition while I didn’t. She claimed it was unfair for us to be treated differently, not caring about high level management being there.
I really like that girl! But I never did get any recognition. I lost touch with her as we both moved on, but I know she married a baseball player.
 
About 25 years or so ago, I was waiting for the elevator at the end of the work day. I had my umbrella, which was a bright color. A young man complemented my umbrella. Then, he proceeded to explain that he wasn’t gay just because he liked my umbrella. It was very embarrassing for him.

I wouldn’t have made anything of the compliment of my umbrella. His explanation following made our encounter cringy, and I still remember it today.
 
As with all things, I’d say context matters.

In general, I enjoy receiving compliments, including on my appearance, so long as they’re delivered in a respectful, no-pressure, and non-awkward way. I have received compliments from friends, coworkers, and even outright strangers on the street, in ways that were fine.

At the same time, you have to watch your context. I have received ‘compliments’ that were not fine, also, in my life (mainly to do with the pushy and presumptive way they were delivered). You have to be quite an obtuse jerk to make someone uncomfortable with a compliment, though, and I don’t think most men are in this camp. Some really are, though.

Sample details to consider: What is your relationship to each woman? What environment are you both in? What is her current mood (and are you paying attention to the feedback you’re already getting from her)? Will your compliments give her the wrong idea that you’re interested in a romantic relationship with her (potentially leading her on, if you deliver such compliments frequently and you can tell that she’s actually interested in you)? Does she seem to want commentary on her appearance, or seem to prefer commentary on other skillsets she displays?

Generally, be sensitive to the way each woman responds to your words and actions, and adapt on a case-by-case basis. Respect boundaries unconditionally if someone establishes them.

Not a lot to go on from your OP, so I’m keeping it fairly vague and catch-all myself. Is there a specific woman whose appearance you want to compliment in a specific way, in a specific setting, and that’s why you’re asking? Maybe run it past us for feedback, if so. Otherwise, use your best judgement, err on the side of respect, and be sensitive to however the person responds.
 
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DaveBj said:
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Zach:
I would say yes but not in the workplace.
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There is safety in silence.

D
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How SAD! But, I can see how even the most innocent comment can be misconstrued these days.
 
I will not compliment any woman in the workplace for anything. I even avoid being in the same place at the same time without a witness. I will not even speak to one without a witness present. The man will not be believed as his word is doubted from the start. Say nothing and you have nothing to defend.
I have heard that a compliment is fine if it is about an accessory. Yes it is sad that even a simple well-meant compliment can, and sometimes will be used in a negative way against the giver.
Dominus vobiscum
 
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When basic kindness is being confused with nefarious intentions, it makes for a lot of isolation and loneliness. Common sense is no longer common.
 
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