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graceandglory
Guest
I was married to someone like that.
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Howdy56
Guest
Wow, way to be Christian dude.
You don’t know the person. With that attitude, I bet you are perfect yourself. I reported it the mods. I’m new here, and if this is how people treat each other here, I’m out of here.I’m thinking about becoming Catholic, and is this representative of Catholics? Since I’m not Catholic, am I doomed to a bad life?
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runner93
Guest
I mean everyone is different. I mean, take time to recognize what you want, and start going to RCIA. It might change your aspect on things ya know?I’m a 25 year old man, and I admit that I am a dog. But I’m trying to train myself. It’s awesome that you are so mature. But I do need sex to be happy, so maybe I won’t become Catholic yet.I want to go to Heaven, but not yet.- a line from a song.
He’s not Catholic, but some Catholics can be like that. You don’t have to judge people off an online site, go to mass or a RCC function.Wow, way to be Christian dude.
I’m thinking about becoming Catholic, and is this representative of Catholics? Since I’m not Catholic, am I doomed to a bad life?
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etc2000
Guest
Try considering the idea of moving out.
You are not married to him, but living under the same roof without the consensual agreement or arrangement with regard to intimacy makes everything more complicated.
It is unavoidable that you will be entertaining thoughts of undesirability, unattractiveness and low self-esteem if you continue and endure this situation for the next three years.
Try talking to him and present that you move out. Work up your relationship from there.
You are not married to him, but living under the same roof without the consensual agreement or arrangement with regard to intimacy makes everything more complicated.
It is unavoidable that you will be entertaining thoughts of undesirability, unattractiveness and low self-esteem if you continue and endure this situation for the next three years.
Try talking to him and present that you move out. Work up your relationship from there.
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Dameedna
Guest
I think you might want to seriously consider what other areas of his faith may impact your future life together.
You do not know his parents or how he was raised, and if you do get married and have kids, he will want to raise them in the same way. You can respect his need to follow his faith, but do you agree with it? Will you want to raise your children with the same views? Will you argue over matters that are religious? Because people with a great deal of faith, will never compromise their beliefs to make you happy.
Faith is a big one, in relationships and I think you would do well to take time out, give him some space to follow his faith and PAY attention to those things that really matter to you.
On the Physical intimacy front alone, my sister, an athiest married a catholic. They got divorced 7 years later. he could never overcome his issues with sex, due to the guilt he had alway’s felt over lust and desire. Trying to repress lust and desire for so long, can turn it into something that is unhealthy for the rest of ones life.
It really doesn’t matter what the “ideal” form of a physical relationship is supposed to take. Years and Years of denying oneself, can do very bad things to the psyche. People start to "feel’ bad, when they “feel” lust and the brain re-programs itself, to a degree that it cannot un-program itself without significant work. IE sex will alway’s be associated with guilt, even after marriage. The longer you leave sex alone, the more your brain is programmed to deny it. This is why a lot of psychologists do not agree with repressing sexuality and why it has probably resulted in some unhealthy behaviour in sexually repressive communities. That was certainly the case for my sister.
So, 2 things. Be careful that you and he are in alignment in many other areas of life. And expect there will be problems sexually once you get married. He’s a man who has resisted temptation for around 18 years by the time you get get married. This does funny things with the human brain.
Be very careful.
You do not know his parents or how he was raised, and if you do get married and have kids, he will want to raise them in the same way. You can respect his need to follow his faith, but do you agree with it? Will you want to raise your children with the same views? Will you argue over matters that are religious? Because people with a great deal of faith, will never compromise their beliefs to make you happy.
Faith is a big one, in relationships and I think you would do well to take time out, give him some space to follow his faith and PAY attention to those things that really matter to you.
On the Physical intimacy front alone, my sister, an athiest married a catholic. They got divorced 7 years later. he could never overcome his issues with sex, due to the guilt he had alway’s felt over lust and desire. Trying to repress lust and desire for so long, can turn it into something that is unhealthy for the rest of ones life.
It really doesn’t matter what the “ideal” form of a physical relationship is supposed to take. Years and Years of denying oneself, can do very bad things to the psyche. People start to "feel’ bad, when they “feel” lust and the brain re-programs itself, to a degree that it cannot un-program itself without significant work. IE sex will alway’s be associated with guilt, even after marriage. The longer you leave sex alone, the more your brain is programmed to deny it. This is why a lot of psychologists do not agree with repressing sexuality and why it has probably resulted in some unhealthy behaviour in sexually repressive communities. That was certainly the case for my sister.
So, 2 things. Be careful that you and he are in alignment in many other areas of life. And expect there will be problems sexually once you get married. He’s a man who has resisted temptation for around 18 years by the time you get get married. This does funny things with the human brain.
Be very careful.
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Dameedna
Guest
This has been my experience as well(though not me trying to seduce all the married men). Religious men who are married, do however seem the easiest of all to tempt. This for a long time, really really put me off males. If even the religious ones cannot control themselves, then do I have ANY hope, for a faithful marriage?
Thankfully, a very good (catholic) friend of mine over the years has managed to explain it to me.Some may be upset by me saying this, but his experience(as a relationship councellor to catholic couples), is that there is virtually no sex within their marriages. This is not due to the lack of desire from the males, usually but a lack of desire from the women. The female libido is fragile, especially after children and it takes more work on the womans part, to maintain an active sex life, for the majority of women. Since religious men are unlikely to divorce, effort to maintain the “man” is no longer required. It is extremely common, and this is why they are more suseptible to affairs.
But don’t kid yourself, they would rather be sleeping with their wives, not the girl hitting onto them at church. They are usually just very lonely.
Cheers
Dame
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iamrefreshed
Guest
And you know this how? Do you really want to lump all married religious men together like this? How about if I said all single women today are just looking to find a man with money so they can cheat later and take his cash to their adultery partner?
You are so off course it’s not even funny.
I love how single people can tell us married folks what’s wrong in our decades long marriages.
Hopefully yoiu will mature enough that a nice catholic boy does find you marriage material.
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Whitacre_Girl
Guest
As a woman married to a very upstanding, pure, and loving Catholic man…I really don’t know what to say to this. I have found catholic men to be the more pure, upstanding, and rightful men I have ever known. My husband, his brothers, and the men of my church are all true male role models and I am proud to have them in the community I may one day raise a child in.
Just because some men have struggles (porn, masturbation) doesn’t mean that they are at heart, dishonest. Which is what cheating really is, dishonesty. It means gasp! they have faults and as christian women we are called to help our beloved brothers in christ reach christ.
Now I bear my soul: as a woman I struggle with porn. My husband does not. He is helping ME (quite successfully I might add, as with his help and the confessional I have been free of this a long time, but I am not going to kid myself that its over and let my guard down!) to get over this. He has his strugggles as well, which are wholly different from mine, and I am helping him. The whole point of marriage or relationships (this means friendships as well) is to help one another overcome sin.
I’d also like to throw in this story. My husband went to a bachelor party (no strippers I might add) and all the men were drinking and talking. Apparently they were talking about if they could cheat on their spouses/girlfriends and no one would EVER know, would they do it? My husband had had a few at this point and was shocked to hear that all these non-christian men said they would if the girl in question were hot enough. The next day when my husband saw me, he ran to me and hugged me really close. He told me this story and said how he realized even more how much he loved me because even after having a couple drinks he knew there was no WAY he would ever cheat on me whether he’d get caught or not. Not even with Kiera Knightley. I don’t think he stopped hugging me for HOURS.
Not all men are dogs.
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that_name
Guest
Your good Catholic friend decides that because the small percentage of couples who seek counseling have troubled sex lives that all Catholic marriages do? Great counselor, remind me not to go to her!
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lufty
Guest
Making generalizations like that is pure ignorance. Here is a thought, I have a little sticker on my monitor at work that reads “Think before you act.” It’s a simple statement, but it can really help you save face. The next time you start talking, typing, emailing, etc. stop and THINK about what you are saying. It’s amazing the things we all can say in the heat of an emotional response, but backing off, even for a few seconds, can help us be more productive, compassionate, and positive to others.
I will pray for you.
(non-stripclub attending, non-porn watching, non-Christain in RCIA guy) aka Lufty
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The_Bucket
Guest
Keira Knightly is not that attractive so I can understand why he’d say that, Whitacre Girl.
Now if no one would EVER know about… no one… hrm…
Well the fact is that I would know about it and it would definitely affect the way I viewed my wife and the way I viewed myself. That’s not even approaching the deeper moral issues there. I’ve never understood affairs or cheating or any of that. I know people get lonely or frustrated over the course of a marriage. I know that certain things happen in life that result in what Dameedna was speaking about. She at least had one valid point that there can be imbalances in sex drive after kids due to tiredness, fear of another pregnancy, being “touched out” from breastfeeding and lugging them around or whatever. And there are situations where physical intimacy has to be refrained from for prolonged periods of time. I get all that and I’ve lived some of it over the course of just a few years of marriage.
But the reason I’ve never understood affairs is the ridiculous drama they create. I hate drama. I’d watch my friends do that stuff in college and I’d just shaek my head. At least with the ones getting “random hookups” there wasn’t a lot of emotional involvement. Certainly it poisons their hearts and souls as to what sexuality is really all about, but it doesn’t create that drama that makes life so incredibly complicated for those that go down that route. Why would you want that? When I was asked by some of my closer college buddies who knew that I refrained from sex before I got married, why I didn’t go for it, I just said “Look at all the BS you or some other guys have gotten into with the cheating by you or on you. I don’t want any part of that.” And honestly, they sort of nodded in agreement at least on that point.
Now if no one would EVER know about… no one… hrm…
Well the fact is that I would know about it and it would definitely affect the way I viewed my wife and the way I viewed myself. That’s not even approaching the deeper moral issues there. I’ve never understood affairs or cheating or any of that. I know people get lonely or frustrated over the course of a marriage. I know that certain things happen in life that result in what Dameedna was speaking about. She at least had one valid point that there can be imbalances in sex drive after kids due to tiredness, fear of another pregnancy, being “touched out” from breastfeeding and lugging them around or whatever. And there are situations where physical intimacy has to be refrained from for prolonged periods of time. I get all that and I’ve lived some of it over the course of just a few years of marriage.
But the reason I’ve never understood affairs is the ridiculous drama they create. I hate drama. I’d watch my friends do that stuff in college and I’d just shaek my head. At least with the ones getting “random hookups” there wasn’t a lot of emotional involvement. Certainly it poisons their hearts and souls as to what sexuality is really all about, but it doesn’t create that drama that makes life so incredibly complicated for those that go down that route. Why would you want that? When I was asked by some of my closer college buddies who knew that I refrained from sex before I got married, why I didn’t go for it, I just said “Look at all the BS you or some other guys have gotten into with the cheating by you or on you. I don’t want any part of that.” And honestly, they sort of nodded in agreement at least on that point.
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Whitacre_Girl
Guest
Well, you’d have to know my husband I guess to get that one. He thinks Kiera Knightley is extremely attractive. She’s always been his hollywood crush. (well, up until he met me anyway…LOL)
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Havard
Guest
Your husband like a great guy, Whitacre Girl. And you’re right that he’s not the only Catholic man like that. I am fiercely monogamous… the notion of betraying your beloved spouse through infidelity is utterly despicable in my eyes.
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trish_scotland
Guest
Hold on that is not fair pal!! This lady is saying that she is prepared to wait for him and that she is trying to understand his faith and his choices and also that she loves him ALOT!!! So what she is trying to find out is the way the relationship is now, is that the way it will be when they are married.Yes God is more important to all of us but there is no need to put it like that, this lady is in dispare looking for advice, Why must like be with like after all my husband is not religious at all however i am deeply and we live a good life and have a good relationship and he respects my beleifs and likewise. So yes this relationship can work but communication is the answer. God bless. xxxxxxxxxxxx
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Whitacre_Girl
Guest
And this here is my experience. MOST catholic men are like Havard and my husband. Fiercly loyal and monogamous. I will defend them to the end.
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Sierrah
Guest
I won’t rip on the guys because it’s pointless. I think the worldly view that sex is like a buffet item to be given and taken at will with no consequences or respect is to pervasive to overcome. All you can do is try the live the best life you can and go from there. Living with a member of the opposite sex while it might make monetary sense doesn’t make much sense for your soul. In the end it’s up to the OP but OP I hope you choose a different route. Actually I debate with myself constantly how nice it be to live without debt and move in and share expenses with a guy and not be alone. Maybe if I gave in a bit it wouldn’t be so bad. I’m telling you it ain’t easy to stay on the staight and narrow. Anyone who says it is …they’re lying. 
I’m telling you it ain’t easy to stay on the staight and narrow. Anyone who says it is …they’re lying.
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19rebecca84
Guest
Thank you very much.
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The_Bucket
Guest
I think the label matters here. Most Catholic men that truly believe in the faith and exercise it frequently are fiercely loyal and monogamous. A large number of men who were “born Catholic” and keep the label but don’t actually go to Church or are cafeteria Catholics, are probably less so loyal. But I’d think that their outward failings as a Catholic would clearly telegraph the fact that they probably have other internal problems that could possibly lead to infidelity.
As I try to point out frequently in these relationship type threads, Catholic men are like any other men in many regards. Many of us Catholic guys like to think of ourselves as “alpha” type guys, which means we’re strong, protective, “jealous” (in the sense that we’re leery of other guys stealing our mates) and yes, we notice any and all attractive women. We wouldn’t be men (well straight men anyway) if we didn’t! The difference is that a good Catholic man, or good man in general, does all he can to discipline himself in a number of ways and one of those ways is certainly getting control of his sexual appetite. A man who cheats is not in control, but is allowing a primal part of himself to control HIM. And if there’s one thing most men want more than anything else, it’s to conquer everything around them; good men realize that conquering parts of themselves goes with that territory.
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Havard
Guest
I must be very lucky, I don’t struggle with it at all. The idea of cheating is as repugnant to me as the prospect of selling crack to children. We all have different crosses to bear, though.
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The_Bucket
Guest
That’s not what I meant, at least not in terms of cheating. For the most part, men have to make sure our thoughts don’t drift too much when an attractive woman walks by or steel ourselves when the NFP chart says “not a good idea unless you want a baby!” Maybe I’m over generalizing based on my own experience; I’ve just thought I was pretty much the average dude when it comes to that sort of thing.
So yeah, after that first glance that I really and truly cannot avoid when an attractive woman crosses my path, I have to gently push thoughts away sometimes. And I think almost ALL good Catholic men (and many women) have to deal with some level of frustration when it’s a no-go according to the NFP chart. But as for cheating, I’m with you. It’s totally out of the realm of possibility and disgusting to me.
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