Confessing Adultry to Your Spouse

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Faithfully, you do make a good point. I hadn’t considered some of that because my situation isn’t one where fertility is an issue (I’m in my fifties, a few years postmenopausal, and living with an impotent husband.) Since we married late in life we do not have any children. But as you may know, viral diseases can be communicated in ways other than sexual intercourse. And there are other causes of infertility than STDs (BTW–HPV, as far as I know, has been implicated as a cause of cervical, not ovarian, cancer.)

I’d certainly have plenty of questions for my husband if I tested positive on any of the STD panels!

However, I know my temper, and my personality. In the hypothetical situation of my husband confessing adultery to me, he had better be wearing a bulletproof vest and a crash helmet, and have a couple of big strong guys standing by to restrain me! I can assure anyone that divorce would not be my first impulsive thought–serious physical damage would be!

On second thought, why bother? Someone who is a cheater isn’t worth fighting over, and certainly isn’t worth going to jail over! I’d tie a big ribbon around his neck and drop him off on the other woman’s doorstep, complete with his collection of sci-fi novels and his motorcycle parts that clutter up the garage. And spend the rest of my days in blessed, peaceful, productive, and prayerful SOLITUDE!
 
Yes, the affected spouse has a right to know.

I was cheated on by my spouse; my spouse finally told me about 6 months after; I forgave, but my spouse ended up leaving me any way.

Thank goodness the marriage has now been annulled and I can go on about my life.
 
odile53 said:
Faithfully, you do make a good point. I hadn’t considered some of that because my situation isn’t one where fertility is an issue (I’m in my fifties, a few years postmenopausal, and living with an impotent husband.) Since we married late in life we do not have any children. But as you may know, viral diseases can be communicated in ways other than sexual intercourse. And there are other causes of infertility than STDs (BTW–HPV, as far as I know, has been implicated as a cause of cervical, not ovarian, cancer.)

I’d certainly have plenty of questions for my husband if I tested positive on any of the STD panels!

However, I know my temper, and my personality. In the hypothetical situation of my husband confessing adultery to me, he had better be wearing a bulletproof vest and a crash helmet, and have a couple of big strong guys standing by to restrain me! I can assure anyone that divorce would not be my first impulsive thought–serious physical damage would be!

On second thought, why bother? Someone who is a cheater isn’t worth fighting over, and certainly isn’t worth going to jail over! I’d tie a big ribbon around his neck and drop him off on the other woman’s doorstep, complete with his collection of sci-fi novels and his motorcycle parts that clutter up the garage. And spend the rest of my days in blessed, peaceful, productive, and prayerful SOLITUDE!
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👍:clapping::yup:😃
 
Joseph_L_Varga said:
EasterJoy, I agree that vaccinating girls and boys against HPV is not a wink at sin. I am aware that there are issues with the efficacy and safety of Gardasil vaccine for girls, and there is an ongoing debate on whether vaccination of girls is worth the efforts and the risks (risks of side-effects). Merck, the manufacturer, lobbies hard to make vaccination of girls compulsory, but many doctors caution that Gardasil only fights 70-75% of cervical cancer cases since it only protects against the 2 most common carcinogenic strains of HPV, and more troublingly, there appear to have been deaths linked to reaction to the vaccine. Regarding the vaccine for boys, I don’t know whether it’s based on the same Merck technology used in girls’ Gardasil vaccine, and whether it’s fraught with the same concerns of efficacy and safety. But those are medical issues and not moral issues. I don’t think it would be immoral to vaccinate both girls and boys if a safe and effective vaccine was available against HPV.

And I also see your point about balancing the risks of life. We might take on a certain risk by marrying someone with a sexual past, and by not wanting to hear about possible failures of our spouse, but life is just a risky business as it is.

Regarding the question of whether we have a moral duty to disclose, to a spouse who doesn’t want to hear, indeed that gets complicated, especially when we don’t deal with a certainty, only with a possibility. If I am certain that I got infected with something contagious (well, all STDs are contagious :o), it seems clear-cut that I must disclose it to my spouse, and make sure that she gets medical attention, even if she previously told me that she wouldn’t want to know if I ever cheated on her. In such case technically I would disclose not my cheating but rather the fact that I have been infected and that my spouse needs to be checked medically for possible infection as well, but the effect and the heart-break would be the same as just telling her straight that I have cheated on her. :o But if I am not certain that I got infected, yet there is a risk that I caught something and I may have infected my spouse as well, and if my spouse told me she wouldn’t want to know if I cheated on her, that would indeed cause a moral dilemma.

So, maybe this is one of those cases that should remind me that being single has its advantages. Because I am single, and this moral dilemma can never move from hypothetical to actual in my life, as long as I stay single. 😃
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Yes, our primary reservation about the vaccine is safety and efficacy, not moral issues. We like to see a vaccine on the market for a few years and do some research before jumping in.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Please do not make predictions right now. Take it one day at a time, you are very early in your recovery and you don’t want to make threats you don’t intend to carry out. You do not need to take action at this time. Give it some time and prayer - there are a whole lot of us out here saying prayers on your behalf and that of your family.

One step at a time.
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You’re right. I am just waking up from a fog and I have many emotions floating around.

Thanks for your prayers 🙂
 
cviolette said:
You’re right. I am just waking up from a fog and I have many emotions floating around.

Thanks for your prayers 🙂
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A helpful thing to remember:

You can only change YOU.
You can’t change anyone else.
Others must make changes for themselves … or not.

It’s a huge relief to realize that fact.
 
freerf said:
This poll is for married people, with preferrably over 5 years of marriage and with kids.

Here is the situation:

Imagine your spouse has cheated on you, continually, for the past year, but you have absolutely no idea.

For the spouse, it’s just a “sex thing” with no real emotional commitment. You don’t notice any significant behavior change, and they are still basically fulfilling their spousal and parental duties. He/She does seem a bit more distant and tired, but why not? As a married couple, you’re both busy, tired, overworked parents, who don’t need any more stress, clearly.

Recently, though, your spouse has “seen the light” and is commited to change. He/She has gone to confession and repented, broken off their old relationship, and has vowed to be fully commited to you once again. They have taken STD tests and are clean. It’s been a full 4 months since their last transgresssion.

Your spouse is now praying to God, “should I tell?”

Now, please take the poll.
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I believe that the betrayed spouse should be told. A grave offense has been committed against the marriage by the unfaithful spouse and how can the faithful spouse freely enter into the continued duties of the marriage when there is dishonesty by the unfaithful spouse? See, a faithful spouse lives by their obligation to keep the marriage 'indissoluble" by living and giving “faithful” love to their spouse. An unfaithful spouse doesn’t. When an unfaithful spouse engages in the embrace with the faithful spouse, the unaware faithful spouse believes that it is a “faithful” act with total giving of self by both partners. The adulterer knows otherwise and disrespects the dignity of the faithful spouse, any child that might be conceived and God. A faithful spouse has the right to know the damage that’s been done, just by the nature of conjugal love.

Btw, by definition of sacramental marriage, an unfaithful spouse isn’t fulfilling spousal duties while in an affair and isn’t fulfilling parental duties to the children either because the adultery is gravely offending the marriage and is going against the good of the children of the marriage.
 
Sum_Fidelis said:
First,yes,I have cheated,and I did tell it to my wife,we thought we could go one,but a year later we split up.
“What You don’t know will not harm You” as they say,and I think it is true,but adultery is always wrong,no matter what the reason is. There is no way to change that. Still,You may hurt Your spouse more be telling. If the relationship with the one outside the marriage is over,and if You have told Your sin in confession and really want to go on and be honest,I think it would be better to not tell.
I am not defending adultery at all,but I also know that it will hurt so many people,not only Your spouse,and it can lead to the fact that Your spouse start to blame her/himself,and what about the children? Conclusion,confess Your sin to Your priest,promise God You will never do it again and don’t defend it even to Yourself.
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You didn’t hurt your spouse by telling, you hurt your spouse by doing an that violated your vows. If you hadn’t committed adultery, it wouldn’t have been an issue.

Please don’t confuse the real issue. The adultery was the problem, not telling the truth of your actions. She had the right to know the reality of her marriage.

I hope that both of you find healing and peace.
 
MamaJewel,
I agree with you, but I find that many posters here do not. They assume that adulterous spouse has the right to make the decision to continue conjugal life on behalf of the wronged spouse, because admitting to the grave injury the adulterous spouse has committed is either “too painful” for the wronged spouse (but this care for the wronged spouse was noticeably absent when the adulterous spouse was engaging in the adultery!) or “for the sake of the children, who would be hurt should a divorce/separation ensue” (but again, the adulterer did not show much care for the children when engaging in the adultery).

The catechism assigns the right of choice in whether to continue or discontinue the conjugal life to the INJURED spouse, NOT the adulterous spouse. I have yet to see any argument for not admitting to the adultery which does not steal this right from the already-wronged spouse and give that stolen right to the adulterer instead. If the adulterer is penitent, as this poll stipulates, why should he then further wrong his spouse by stealing that choice?
 
dead even in the poll, but an interesting difference in the results sorted by gender: more men want truth than women (as a percentage).
 
JimG said:
Disregarding the adultery issue, just as a general matter, spouses need not and should not burden each other with every personal sin. They should tell the truth–to their confessor, repent and ask for forgiveness, and strive to be a better person for their spouse. No need to use the spouse as a personal confessor. Give the spouse your best, not your worst.
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adultery isn’t a personal sin. it’s a grave offense against marriage, which happens to include one’s spouse (and maybe even children if there is a family unit)
 
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Sillara said:
MamaJewel,

The catechism assigns the right of choice in whether to continue or discontinue the conjugal life to the INJURED spouse, NOT the adulterous spouse. I have yet to see any argument for not admitting to the adultery which does not steal this right from the already-wronged spouse and give that stolen right to the adulterer instead. If the adulterer is penitent, as this poll stipulates, why should he then further wrong his spouse by stealing that choice?
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**

This hits to the heart of the issue for me as well. However, it’s a moot point if the “victim” doesn’t want to know about the affair.
 
freerf said:
This hits to the heart of the issue for me as well. However, it’s a moot point if the “victim” doesn’t want to know about the affair.
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if a person doesn’t want to know, that’s a whole different story.
 
freerf said:
This hits to the heart of the issue for me as well. However, it’s a moot point if the “victim” doesn’t want to know about the affair.
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btw, your hypothetical cheater was praying about telling. you didn’t mention if he/she had a spouse that wanted to know or not know.

what did your hypothetical spouse decide? 🙂
 
Sillara said:
MamaJewel,
I agree with you, but I find that many posters here do not. They assume that adulterous spouse has the right to make the decision to continue conjugal life on behalf of the wronged spouse, because admitting to the grave injury the adulterous spouse has committed is either “too painful” for the wronged spouse (but this care for the wronged spouse was noticeably absent when the adulterous spouse was engaging in the adultery!) or “for the sake of the children, who would be hurt should a divorce/separation ensue” (but again, the adulterer did not show much care for the children when engaging in the adultery).

The catechism assigns the right of choice in whether to continue or discontinue the conjugal life to the INJURED spouse, NOT the adulterous spouse. I have yet to see any argument for not admitting to the adultery which does not steal this right from the already-wronged spouse and give that stolen right to the adulterer instead. If the adulterer is penitent, as this poll stipulates, why should he then further wrong his spouse by stealing that choice?
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One would think that the confessor would tell the “penitent” to tell the injured spouse the truth as part of the penance. But alas, we’re dealing with Catholicism and it’s dysfunctional way of dealing with truth.
 
Serap said:
True, but you can’t say that all adulterors will do it again. That’s a blanket statement. You cannot make certain claims on other people’s marriages and lives.

I too confess the same sins over and over again. My husband and I have not committed adultry even though we have had a very rough year.

Some people have deep issues that cause the bahaviour in the first place. If they get counselling, repent, Confess and move on, there is no need to tell the spouse. Even from the theological perspective, there is no obligation.
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Hmmm, I’m not sure about this. When two people present themselves for marriage in the Church, the Church expects that all parties involved let their issues be known. If a spouse has deep issues, those issues existed before the marriage and the spouse with held info about those issues, then there’s grounds for annulment.

If a spouse has deep rooted issues that need counseling to overcome, then his or her partner has even more of a right to know. It doesn’t necessarily even need to cause adultery. In fact, the church expects that the partner knows and the Church itself wants to know, because that is one way the Church verifies that both both partners are entering the marriage freely and without impediments. (If a person has deep issues that caused A, you can pretty much bet they were there b4 the marriage vows were said.)

I can think of a few scenarios up front:
alcoholism
drug addiction
gambling addiction
sex/porn addiction
 
I have to admit that I’m surprised by the number of women who would rather not know.
Adultery doesn’t have to be a death sentence to a marriage. We are called to be “good” spouses whether our partners are faithful or not. St Monica is a wonderful example of that calling.

I have to add, that we as Christians are supposed to walk in the light of the Truth. If the truth of our marriages involve adultery, then we are called to live in that truth and move forward accordingly. Acting like it hadn’t happened is dishonest and enabling toward a second affair.

Also, I think it’s unfair to expect a penitent wayward spouse to bear the burden of his or her destruction alone. Part of being penitent is taking action toward repairing the damage we’ve done (reparation). True penitence wants to do the act of reparation and true forgiveness allows the action of reparation. When a betrayed spouse decides to remain the marriage with the penitent spouse, then expressions of reparation should be graciously accepted. Hiding the truth or ignoring it doesn’t allow for true reparation and forgiveness, imho.
 
The catechism assigns the right of choice in whether to continue or discontinue the conjugal life to the INJURED spouse, NOT the adulterous spouse. I have yet to see any argument for not admitting to the adultery which does not steal this right from the already-wronged spouse and give that stolen right to the adulterer instead. If the adulterer is penitent, as this poll stipulates, why should he then further wrong his spouse by stealing that choice?
The catechism assigns the right of choice in whether to continue or discontinue the conjugal life to the injured spouse ONLY WHEN the injured spouse knows about the adultery!
If the injured spouse doesn’t know I think it would be better for the family that the adulterous spouse keeps his horrible sin to his or herself. The penance would be that they have to live with their guilt instead of relieving it by telling the injured spouse and taking away their joy.
 
MamaJewel said:
btw, your hypothetical cheater was praying about telling. you didn’t mention if he/she had a spouse that wanted to know or not know.

what did your hypothetical spouse decide? 🙂
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Fortunately for me it is truly hypothetical. 😉
Thanks be to God.

But if I were to finish the tale. . . I suppose I’d send the cheater home to confess, having been told by God it’s the right thing to do. Before confessing, however, the cheater would inadvertantly findout that faithful spouse doesn’t want to be told about any infidelity (apparently they took a poll on a Catholic website).

Now we have dillemma number two:
do you tell your spouse that you’re cheating despite the fact that they don’t want to know what you know, even though you know it’s the right thing to do, and they should want to know, you know?
:eek:
 
Married 35 years…
“Always a cheater”? I disagree…
“Always TEMPTED”… perhaps…

I also made a vow 35 years ago… “in good times and in bad”… this would be a “bad” time for anyone. But I would not destroy my wife…who is a part of myself. To be “told” would be hard to hear… but I would know there is a problem for US to work on, with God’s grace! If I am not told, I would trust God to send the grace to heal us and bring us closer to him.

Also, when we were married, we realized “marriage” was God’s Grace given to each of us for our spouse. If either spouse withholds God’s grace, that spouse, too, has sinned… and that grace may have been just what my spouse needed to stay “faithful”…

Remember Jesus’ prayer… the Our Father… “…as we forgive those…” So, if I hold my spouse’s sin… I expect to be held to the same account by God for my sin.
 
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