I wouldn’t want to know. I suppose she could respond, “I’ve never committed adultery” (meaning the sin of idolatry) or “I never had sex with another man” (meaning we only engaged in sodomy). Or perhaps she could use a non-denial denial, “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response” or “remember bearing false witness is a sin”.Are those who say “don’t tell” expecting their spouse to come up with an appropriate lie if they ever ask their spouse questions like, “Have you ever cheated on me?”, and, “Remember that weekend last year when…”, or are they promising to never ask any question that could conceivably corner their spouse into having to lie, maybe by having a policy of always accepting it and rapidly dropping the subject when their spouse unexpectedly in suspicious circumstances refuses to answer their questions?
I agree. If the cheating spouse has truly repented and committed to the marriage, then the only thing telling the non-cheating spouse does is try to alleviate guilt. It is being done for the cheater to feel better about themselves, (hey, they know and accepted it so it’s ok) it’s not being done for the benefit of the innocent spouse.I’m a man
don’t tell me
some private sins should remain private (assuming that they are done and in the past)
Only tell if you are asked directly and there is real cause for concern. To tell a spouse about a past adultery that is done and over with and not otherwise seriously affecting the marriage currently is unnecessary, even perhaps selfish.
I agree with this.I agree. If the cheating spouse has truly repented and committed to the marriage, then the only thing telling the non-cheating spouse does is try to alleviate guilt. It is being done for the cheater to feel better about themselves, (hey, they know and accepted it so it’s ok) it’s not being done for the benefit of the innocent spouse.
But I disagree with a basic premise of your scenario-- IMHO it’s never “just a sex thing”. I would say that the non-cheating spouse would also need to go to therapy/counseling to understand themselves better, why they did what they did.
I would never take back my ex until they went to therapy to sort themselves out first.
infidelity is quite common. Most times it is very brief, and at a time of great stress and/or unhappiness in a marriage. Most times it is hurtful, and full of regret. This is because we are human, and complicated, and needy, and imperfect, and seeking comfort and/or escape through pleasure, etc.Well, it is really unfair for the cheated-upon spouse to be the only one who doesn’t know. And, other people probably know.
I find it distressing that the first twenty people to answer the poll think their spouse is capable of cheating.
They don’t. They were told to imagine that it has happened.I find it distressing that the first twenty people to answer the poll think their spouse is capable of cheating.
False.Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater!
In my experience, It all depends on if the opportunity presents itself again. If my wife did cheat on me I would stay, but I wouldn’t expect her to ever be faithful. I don’t think it is fair to expect something from someone that they can’t possibly give you anymore.False.
Yes, that is sort of what I figured, a life of never asking. For example, spouse has been gone for a few hours and spouse had earlier stated that car maintenance was being done today, so when spouse comes in you ask, “Did they find anything wrong with the car, or are we good to go for another 3 months?” When spouse gives a non-answer, then I guess you just let it drop, wondering if you need to take the car in yourself, but not asking, lest you accidentally turn over some rock. I understand not asking point blank about things you don’t want to know, but most of the things I’ve “discovered” over the years have been from questions that were an ordinary part of life.I wouldn’t want to know. I suppose she could respond, “I’ve never committed adultery” (meaning the sin of idolatry) or “I never had sex with another man” (meaning we only engaged in sodomy). Or perhaps she could use a non-denial denial, “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response” or “remember bearing false witness is a sin”.
But really, if you don’t want to know, then you shouldn’t ask.
That’s how I see this. I have a hard time imagining my good kind wonderful husband ever cheating on me. But if he did, it would be HIS burden to bear, not mine. I would want him to STOP (obviously), seek help (such as confession and counseling), and never mention it to ANYONE, including me.He transferred his pain to her. She could not cope with that knowledge.
100% agree!That’s how I see this. I have a hard time imagining my good kind wonderful husband ever cheating on me. But if he did, it would be HIS burden to bear, not mine. I would want him to STOP (obviously), seek help (such as confession and counseling), and never mention it to ANYONE, including me.
I think that is good point. It does seem like the guilt would almost be palpable, and people are usually perceptive (women more so than men) and will notice when someone they love has changed or is going through a crisis. I don’t know how you continue the deception without lying.Maybe it is just a problem if one has a spouse who communicates and behaves in a certain way. To me it is a puzzle how one could go on like that.
Disregarding the adultery issue, just as a general matter, spouses need not and should not burden each other with every personal sin. They should tell the truth–to their confessor, repent and ask for forgiveness, and strive to be a better person for their spouse. No need to use the spouse as a personal confessor. Give the spouse your best, not your worst.I believe cheaters can change but in order to change they have to be willing to tell the truth. Its not fair for the other spouse to conitnue being in a relationship when the truth is hidden from them. They need to have the CHOICE to decide if they want to work it out or leave.
But I’m young and not married—this is simply how I feel.
I only know of one real life example of this, and it met the conditions described by the OP. The husband cheated. It was a one night stand. He was remorseful, then repentant, confessed the sin in confession.
But he still had feelings of guilt, which he alleviated by confessing to his wife, who would not otherwise have known. He transferred his pain to her. She could not cope with that knowledge.
Ultimately, it was not the adultery, but the confession, which broke up the marriage.
He broke his vows with the adultery, but he destroyed his marriage with the confession.
That’s how I see this. I have a hard time imagining my good kind wonderful husband ever cheating on me. But if he did, it would be HIS burden to bear, not mine. I would want him to STOP (obviously), seek help (such as confession and counseling), and never mention it to ANYONE, including me.
100% agree!
… and YES.Disregarding the adultery issue, just as a general matter, spouses need not and should not burden each other with every personal sin. They should tell the truth–to their confessor, repent and ask for forgiveness, and strive to be a better person for their spouse. No need to use the spouse as a personal confessor. Give the spouse your best, not your worst.
The thing is, in a Catholic marriage both parties already made their CHOICE–on the wedding day. We don’t get to revoke that choice if the other partner fails us. Knowing about my husband’s adultery would only make being a good wife more difficult for me.I believe cheaters can change but in order to change they have to be willing to tell the truth. Its not fair for the other spouse to conitnue being in a relationship when the truth is hidden from them. They need to have the CHOICE to decide if they want to work it out or leave.
But I’m young and not married—this is simply how I feel.
This is true, a personal sin doesn’t need to be shared but adultery doesn’t just involve you. You cheated on your spouse so they deserve to know. It shouldn’t be up to you (not YOU, but cheaters in general). Yes, I understand that people cheat, and they truly truly repent and confess. However, adultery involves your spouse because you chose to get married and now you broke your vow.Disregarding the adultery issue, just as a general matter, spouses need not and should not burden each other with every personal sin. They should tell the truth–to their confessor, repent and ask for forgiveness, and strive to be a better person for their spouse. No need to use the spouse as a personal confessor. Give the spouse your best, not your worst.