Confessing Adultry to Your Spouse

[Serap]

That’s not what Scripture says. In fact, Our Lord calls Himself “the Truth”.

As for whether or not “annulments” (declarations of nullity) are handed out too easily, that is a question for a different thread. (But I agree with you that they are.)

The question of children–again, I agree that they ought not to suffer from the adultery. But the adulterous spouse is the one who set the whole thing in motion with the adultery! The catechism disagrees with you that the adulterous spouse should be the one who gets to make the determination. I would encourage a betrayed spouse to stay, to try to work things out, especially if their are children involved–but on an equal footing of truth.

This is one scripture yes. I know of many very qualified priests advising otherwise for adultery.

Why would they advise this?

I believe it’s to:

• keep happiness in the marriage
• give the offending spouse a second chance (between him and God)
• keep the children contained within the family unit
• keep the dignity of marriage in tact (i.e. avoid divorce)
• avoid adding fuel to our negative society by damaging the children

 

[JimG]

Not a matter of adultery, but on one job I had, one of my coworkers traveled frequently, and for some reason he was sometimes propositioned by women during his travels, often quite blatantly. He never gave in to those temptations, and was faithful to his wife. He would sometimes relate these incidents to me in confidence. He would never tell his wife about them, and rightly so. What good would it do? While she would certainly be glad that he remained faithful, she would then have been burdened with the knowledge and the worry that whenever he traveled, this sort of incident could happen. I don’t view it as a matter of withholding the truth from her, but simply sparing her from undue worry.

 

[freerf]

I am impressed by the arguements supporting both sides of this issue. I think both aswers can be ligit, and mostly depend on the couple involved. i highly doubt there is 1 best answer, except as it pertains directly to a couple.

It makes sense, therefore, that getting advice - even priestly advice - should be from a party who knows the couple intimately.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I haven’t read all the responses…but how can the offending spouse know the victim spouse will not find out in any other way?

The offending spouse did not commit adultery alone…and with all the Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, e-mail, cameraphones etc…it is very difficult to not find out.

Shouldn’t it come from the offending spouse, instead of a Friend of a friend on facebook?

 

[freerf]

It’s true.
A marriage in the Catholic Church is considered valid until death.
If a couple divorces, neither is free to re-marry.

If divorced, one or both spouses can request an investigation in
reference to a possible declarartion of nullity. (Annulment) If after
investigation (a lengthy process), the tribunal finds that the marriage
was not valid from its start (recognizing previously undiscovered
impediments to the Sacramental bond) then and only then can the
marriage be declared invalid from its inception. If nullity is found
and an annulment is granted, then the spouses are free to marry.

Is that explanation sufficient?

Good explaination. Hmm. I’d be surprised though if there were no allowance for cases in which there is physical abused or adultry, as stipulated in the bible.

 

[Serap]

I just checked the poll and it’s evenly split on both sides. interesting…

 

[GraceDK]

I think if my spouse cheated on me and I found out years later I would believe he wasn’t sorry and that he had lied to me.

As for maintaining family peace, well, if a spouse is unfaithful the children need not be told, if the offended party forgives and they work out their problems together, but if someone is many times cheating - like what often happens if he discovers that he can hide it and he is not so devastated that it shows, which is unfathomable to me - then it does harm the children deeply.

I know a young man who knew his father was cheating on his mother again and again. He blamed his mother for having no self respect and sticking with his father, and his father for being a lousy role model. As an adult that young man was incapable of having relationships with women without feeling he was getting strangled… he had to go to therapy for years.
Actually I know one more case… a mother was cheating on her husband for a long time and he took her back… Today the adult children lack respect for both parents.

Family “harmony” through one party living a lie - he has broken the covenant and has not asked for forgiveness - sounds odd to me.

And I do indeed think Jesus said: "Go and reconcile with your brother first, and then come to the alter and bring your gift. Likewise, go and ask forgiveness from the one you commit crime against, in order to be credible when you come to the alter/sacrament of reconciliation… Thats how I understand it.

In confession I have always told that as far as its possible, I should ask pardon from the person I offended, in this case the betrayed spouse. That’s a Christian duty.

Everthing that is hidden will be yelled from the roof tops, its written. One day the spouse will know. Better that pardon and thus authentic peace comes already in this world.

 

[larkin31]

I think if my spouse cheated on me and I found out years later I would believe he wasn’t sorry and that he had lied to me.

As for maintaining family peace, well, if a spouse is unfaithful the children need not be told, if the offended party forgives and they work out their problems together, but if someone is many times cheating - like what often happens if he discovers that he can hide it and he is not so devastated that it shows, which is unfathomable to me - then it does harm the children deeply.

I know a young man who knew his father was cheating on his mother again and again. He blamed his mother for having no self respect and sticking with his father, and his father for being a lousy role model. As an adult that young man was incapable of having relationships with women without feeling he was getting strangled… he had to go to therapy for years.
Actually I know one more case… a mother was cheating on her husband for a long time and he took her back… Today the adult children lack respect for both parents…

This is one reason why divorce can be very helpful and healthy.

 

[GraceDK]

This is one reason why divorce can be very helpful and healthy.

Dear larkin.
What God has bound together, by our own vows too, no man can seperate.

Indeed seperation is sometimes the only way a person can keep a decent life, but we don’t believe that divorce is possible unless the marriage was invalid from the beginning…

So Marriage demands a leap of faith… we also believe that if you get married and get a serious sickness your spouse can’t divorce you just because it gets hard, but seperation is encouraged where one parent is abusing another or the children.
Adultery has long term effects on the self-image of children and often if one spouse lets themselves be disrespected, that also greatly damages the development of children into healthy adults.

 

[larkin31]

Dear larkin.
What God has bound together, by our own vows too, no man can seperate.

we surely can, and do

I am just stating that I agree that marriages can be damaged beyond repair and that remaining together can damage how children see and treat marriage and the other gender later in life

 

[Serap]

I think if my spouse cheated on me and I found out years later I would believe he wasn’t sorry and that he had lied to me.

As for maintaining family peace, well, if a spouse is unfaithful the children need not be told, if the offended party forgives and they work out their problems together, but if someone is many times cheating - like what often happens if he discovers that he can hide it and he is not so devastated that it shows, which is unfathomable to me - then it does harm the children deeply.

I know a young man who knew his father was cheating on his mother again and again. He blamed his mother for having no self respect and sticking with his father, and his father for being a lousy role model. As an adult that young man was incapable of having relationships with women without feeling he was getting strangled… he had to go to therapy for years.
Actually I know one more case… a mother was cheating on her husband for a long time and he took her back… Today the adult children lack respect for both parents.

Family “harmony” through one party living a lie - he has broken the covenant and has not asked for forgiveness - sounds odd to me.

And I do indeed think Jesus said: "Go and reconcile with your brother first, and then come to the alter and bring your gift. Likewise, go and ask forgiveness from the one you commit crime against, in order to be credible when you come to the alter/sacrament of reconciliation… Thats how I understand it.

In confession I have always told that as far as its possible, I should ask pardon from the person I offended, in this case the betrayed spouse. That’s a Christian duty.

Everthing that is hidden will be yelled from the roof tops, its written. One day the spouse will know. Better that pardon and thus authentic peace comes already in this world.

Please take note that we are all responding to OP’s scenario where the adulterer is repentent and will not do it again.

Repeated infidelity is something that I would divorce my husband for. Repeated infidelity is something that overtime I would catch onto. I also get hunches about these things b/c my dad was a cheater too. I know what signs to watch out for.

 

[freerf]

Good explaination. Hmm. I’d be surprised though if there were no allowance for cases in which there is physical abused or adultry, as stipulated in the bible.

I found a lot on this issue under the Catholic Answers section:

**Question:What is the Church’s view on marriage when a Catholic adulterous husband has filed for divorce against an innocent spouse of 17 years?

A: Civil divorce, under certain circumstances, may not be a bad thing. The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, “The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law (see CIC 1151-1155). If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense” (CCC 2383). However, civil divorce will not dissolve the marriage. The wife would not be free to remarry unless the first marriage is declared null or until her husband dies.**

I’m not sure if I’m impressed or appalled. I think impressed. It certainly goes against “modern thinking”. It makes one stop and think. Divorce, for the Catholic, is certainly not an easy solution.

As a Protestant, I think of divorce with a coinciding eventual remarriage. In fact, to be honest, that is one of the reasons I support being told. . .Now if I were an observant Catholic, however, that kind of changes things. You couldn’t get remarried most probably.

I wonder, how many of those who would “like to know” also believe that they could remarry?

 

[Serap]

I found a lot on this issue under the Catholic Answers section:

**Question:What is the Church’s view on marriage when a Catholic adulterous husband has filed for divorce against an innocent spouse of 17 years?

A: Civil divorce, under certain circumstances, may not be a bad thing. The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, “The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law (see CIC 1151-1155). If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense” (CCC 2383). However, civil divorce will not dissolve the marriage. The wife would not be free to remarry unless the first marriage is declared null or until her husband dies.**

I’m not sure if I’m impressed or appalled. I think impressed. It certainly goes against “modern thinking”. It makes one stop and think. Divorce, for the Catholic, is certainly not an easy solution.

As a Protestant, I think of divorce with a coinciding eventual remarriage. In fact, to be honest, that is one of the reasons I support being told. . .Now if I were an observant Catholic, however, that kind of changes things. You couldn’t get remarried most probably.

I wonder, how many of those who would “like to know” also believe that they could remarry?

What this means to me is … leave your husband get a divorce and be alone and miserable for the rest of your life. Have your kids uprooted from their school or have their father leave and then they will be angry and rebellious for the next 10 years.

OR…

Fight for your marriage…counselling or whatever it takes. Keep the family in tact and show your children that you are not putting up with the behaviour, but you also still love their father. (that’s if the children find out)

 

[Litcrit]

Husband and wife are one body. Cheating is not just a private sin. If my husband shares his body, which is also mine, with another woman, it’s not his personal problem. It’s mine as well.

Adultery is also not a victimless crime, provided that the other spouse keeps living in blissful ignorance. It is a serious and real injury to the marriage, which needs to be addressed. Not confessing is, to me, like not telling a patient they have a serious illness that can be treated, because you don’t want to upset them. So they keep living in blissful ignorance, while the illness keeps eating away at them, until they die.

There’s also basic honesty and integrity. We tell each other everything - when we foolishly spend the tiniest amount of money, when we yell at the kids, whe we find another person attractive for a brief moment, anything. I can’t imagine either of us cheating, but if a moment’s mistake were to happen, I could forgive it. What I couldn’t live with would be dishonesty and lack of integrity.

I couldn’t even imagine the OP scenario, where a spouse cheated for a duration of time, all the while living normally with the unaware spouse. The longer such a lie were to last, the less able I would be to trust and respect my husband again.

 

[Litcrit]

And I do indeed think Jesus said: "Go and reconcile with your brother first, and then come to the alter and bring your gift. Likewise, go and ask forgiveness from the one you commit crime against, in order to be credible when you come to the alter/sacrament of reconciliation… Thats how I understand it.

In confession I have always told that as far as its possible, I should ask pardon from the person I offended, in this case the betrayed spouse. That’s a Christian duty.

Everthing that is hidden will be yelled from the roof tops, its written. One day the spouse will know. Better that pardon and thus authentic peace comes already in this world.

These are my thoughts as well…

Never do or say anything you don’t want yelled from the rooftops.

If you do, better yell it first.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Family “harmony” through one party living a lie - he has broken the covenant and has not asked for forgiveness - sounds odd to me.

And I do indeed think Jesus said: "Go and reconcile with your brother first, and then come to the alter and bring your gift. Likewise, go and ask forgiveness from the one you commit crime against, in order to be credible when you come to the alter/sacrament of reconciliation… Thats how I understand it.

In confession I have always told that as far as its possible, I should ask pardon from the person I offended, in this case the betrayed spouse. That’s a Christian duty.

Everthing that is hidden will be yelled from the roof tops, its written. One day the spouse will know. Better that pardon and thus authentic peace comes already in this world.

This whole post and the part I bolded, has deeply impressed me. I guess here’s the biblical basis for finding the answer to the question, “Should I tell, or should I not tell?”

I would make exception in one single case. If I cheated on my spouse, and she clearly said that she didn’t want to know, because that would be the better way to protect her nerves, then I would respect her request. That’s the only exception I would make. But even then, I would keep an attitude of being open to confess what I did, if there was a hint that she changed her mind, and if she asked any questions indicative that she wanted to know. Btw, I would expect questions to arise simply because the spouses are attuned to each other, and want to know how their spouses are doing. In other words, not because they suspect their spouse cheated on them, but rather because they are communicating with their spouse on a more general basis (unless of course the wife found someone else’s panties in her husband’s luggage, the husband found a hidden second cell phone in his wife’s purse, or other creepy stuff like that).

If my spouse asked, “why do you look so tired and upset?”, what would be the correct answer? “Nothing, honey, I just cheated on you on my last business trip, but I’m not going to tell you, instead I will come up with every possible fake explanation under the sun, I’m going to blame it on pressures at the workplace, on my stomach causing me problems, and so on.” Isn’t that evasive answer going to make my spouse even more nervous than before? Because, now she will start worrying that I’m overworking myself and that I have problems at the workplace, that my health is failing and I need to have a thorough medical checkup, and so on. I submit, it would be more frank and more caring to simply say, “Honey, I did something I’m not proud of, but I don’t want to stress you with the details, unless you want to hear those details”.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

I will also submit that the insistence on “keeping it a secret just to protect the wronged/innocent spouse from anguish” is nothing but a bald-faced lie. It has nothing to do with protecting the innocent spouse, and everything to do with the cheater trying to protect his/her own ***. And that’s how cheaters become murderers, by living this lie, and by taking the lie to its logical conclusion.

Exhibit A
King David and Bathsheba

First, it was, “let’s hush it up”, and Uriah got invited back from the front, and King David invited him to his table and got him drunk, hoping that Uriah would sleep with his wife Bathsheba, and thus the scandalous truth that King David already impregnated his soldier’s and friend’s wife, wouldn’t come to light. But Uriah slept outside with the other soldiers, and never even entered his home to sleep with his wife in a time of war and distress.

Now, was this about protecting the innocent Uriah’s peace of mind, or was it about the adulterer trying to cover his own ***?

Let’s see what did King David do next? He had Uriah MURDERED.

That’s how cheaters become murderers.

No, it wasn’t really about protecting Uriah’s peace of mind. That was just a smoke-screen. This was about King David the cheater, protecting himself. Even at the price of having the innocent party, who also happened to be his friend, murdered.

Exhibit B
The wife who slept around

She comes for advice, and a bunch of people tell her that this is none of her husband’s business.

That’s how cheaters become murderers.

Fast forward two years, and her husband is feeling weak. He thinks he just overworked himself. He gets the flu. Then, he gets diarrhea. Next, he gets a nasty bronchitis. He just catches every infection, way too easily. Finally, the doctor checks for HIV - just in case. Yes, the man has full-blown AIDS. But how did he get it?

You see, his wife had some STD tests, they were negative, and she took the liberty never to tell her husband that she might have exposed him to something. Because the tests were negative. Nevermind that her only tests were done soon after she was exposed, and at that point the HIV titer in her blood was too low to show up on the HIV test.

Alternate scenario: Fast forward five years, and the woman’s husband has a sore throat. The sore throat doesn’t go away. After a year, when he clears his throat, he caughs up blood. Then, he caughs up blood, again. After the third occasion of caughing up blood, he gets a little alarmed. Finally, he goes to the doctor. And he is diagnosed with throat cancer. And it’s too advanced already, to operate. Had he come to the doctor earlier, his life could have been saved. But now, it’s already inoperable. He will die within a few weeks.

That’s how cheaters become murderers.

You see, his wife got infected with HPV (human papilloma virus) when she slept around. But she was free of symptoms, and she had her STD tests done. Nevermind that those tests DO NOT CHECK FOR HPV INFECTION. We simply don’t have a test for HPV infection. But she is not a professional, she didn’t know that. Moreover, a bunch of well-meaning but misguided folks at a Catholic internet forum advised her to hush up everything from her husband. And the healthcare professional who did her STD tests, had “pity” on her, and also failed to notify her husband, “because he might divorce her, and she might lose her children”. The healthcare professional was a Planned Parenthood-type feminist. She wasn’t going to tell the husband that his wife slept around, and came in for STD tests.

So now, her husband is dying of HPV-induced throat cancer. And she never knew that she wasn’t even tested for HPV, when she had her STD tests done. She was in fact infected with HPV, but she was symptom-free, and she passed on the infection to her husband. And her husband developed throat cancer as a result. HPV-induced head and neck cancers (cancers of the tongue, tonsils, and throat) are well documented medically. In fact, the incidence of such cancerous lesions in men that test positive for HPV in the lesions have quadrupled (increased 4-fold) over the past 20 years.

That’s how cheaters become murderers.

It’s all being done in the name of “protecting the innocent/wronged party’s peace of mind”.

 

[EasterJoy]

OK, but what about those who are already married, and failed to discuss the issue and to come to an agreement, before they tied the knot?

Here are some sample conversations, for them:

-Good evening honey, how was your day?
-Oh, busy. We have a problem with the car. It didn’t start at once when I picked up the kids.
-Oh, let me check the battery. I’ll take care of it, Honey, don’t worry. Just do me a favor. Don’t ever tell me if you cheated on me!
-??? Do you feel alright, Honey? Come, sit down with me! Let me check your blood pressure! You look so tired, Honey, I want you to relax, and take better care of yourself!

And another sample conversation:

-I prepared omlette for you, honey.
-Oh, thank you! It looks delicious!
-I’m glad you like it! Do you want milk or orange juice?
-Orange juice. Thank you, darling.
-Honey?
-Yes?
-Did you cheat on me?
-(Accidentally spits out orange juice)
-Just tell me. I won’t get mad, I promise! I just want to know it.
-(Still gagging and coughing from the orange juice that entered his airways)
-??? :imsorry: Was she pretty? Prettier than me?
-(Finally catching his breath) Darling, darling! :hug3: Where did you take this idea from? You are my treasure, and I would never cheat on you!
-Oh, sure? :bighanky:
-Sure, absolutely sure! I never cheated on you, and I will never cheat on you! :console:
-Oh, then…

• 

That also isn’t how I’d bring up questions about anything important. I wouldn’t even ask about a new dent in the car like that. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a time and place to talk about serious topics.

There have been times when we hear of someone who has cheated and the topic comes up: How would you deal with that? Have you ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend cheat on you? Friends who cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend? What did you take away from that? What if you were the one who did it? What if one of your friends tried to seduce me? If I messed up, what would you want me to do? Why even ask a question like that? Because there have been too many who have gone before me who were quite sure they’d never do such a thing. There but for the grace of God…I’d like to think I couldn’t cheat or kill anyone or anything like that, but I feel sure that better than I have fallen. I believe it is arrogant to think I am incapable of this sin or that one.

People don’t like to talk about how they feel about cheating, what kind of funeral they want, what kind of end-of-life care they want and how they understand the teachings of the Church on that, what they’d do if they lost their earning capacity, whether they would take the in-laws in rather than send them to a nursing home, what they’d do if a child was sexually active or using drugs or had gotten an abortion, and so on. It doesn’t mean the topics should not come up.

 

[IllinoisAtty]

Been there, done that. I’ve been the cheater and the cheated on.

During our engagement, my husband slept with another chic and got oral sex from a hooker. He never told me because he knew i’d leave him if he did.

Shortly after we were married, i confessed a long standing crush to him i had on his friend. Me and his friend started seeing each other, which culminated in 4 day long camping trip. We kissed each other, held hands, etc etc, but when he attempted to sleep with me, i denied him. I simply wasn’t interested anymore. My husband knew all about this, and didn’t seem to care (b/c as i would later find out, he felt guilty about his own indiscretions).

7 years later, husband confesses to me the other chic he did. Since i had happenend so long ago, i didn’t really care and forgave. A few months later, he confesses the hooker. I was mad then b/c i felt he lied when i asked IS THAT IT? So i slapped the hell out him and kicked him down to the ground. Yes, we had a ‘domestic’ incident with me being the perpetrator. IN reality, he could have defended himself, and since he’s much stronger than me, it could have been different, but ‘he felt he had it coming’. That brief bit of violence on my part was completely cathartic. Since then, i don’t have any resentment about it.

So, having been on both sides, WE both say “we rather not know, just don’t do it again.”

 

[Serap]

I will also submit that the insistence on “keeping it a secret just to protect the wronged/innocent spouse from anguish” is nothing but a bald-faced lie. It has nothing to do with protecting the innocent spouse, and everything to do with the cheater trying to protect his/her own ***. And that’s how cheaters become murderers, by living this lie, and by taking the lie to its logical conclusion.

Exhibit A
King David and Bathsheba

First, it was, “let’s hush it up”, and Uriah got invited back from the front, and King David invited him to his table and got him drunk, hoping that Uriah would sleep with his wife Bathsheba, and thus the scandalous truth that King David already impregnated his soldier’s and friend’s wife, wouldn’t come to light. But Uriah slept outside with the other soldiers, and never even entered his home to sleep with his wife in a time of war and distress.

Now, was this about protecting the innocent Uriah’s peace of mind, or was it about the adulterer trying to cover his own ***?

Let’s see what did King David do next? He had Uriah MURDERED.

That’s how cheaters become murderers.

No, it wasn’t really about protecting Uriah’s peace of mind. That was just a smoke-screen. This was about King David the cheater, protecting himself. Even at the price of having the innocent party, who also happened to be his friend, murdered.

Exhibit B
The wife who slept around

She comes for advice, and a bunch of people tell her that this is none of her husband’s business.

That’s how cheaters become murderers.

Fast forward two years, and her husband is feeling weak. He thinks he just overworked himself. He gets the flu. Then, he gets diarrhea. Next, he gets a nasty bronchitis. He just catches every infection, way too easily. Finally, the doctor checks for HIV - just in case. Yes, the man has full-blown AIDS. But how did he get it?

You see, his wife had some STD tests, they were negative, and she took the liberty never to tell her husband that she might have exposed him to something. Because the tests were negative. Nevermind that her only tests were done soon after she was exposed, and at that point the HIV titer in her blood was too low to show up on the HIV test.

Alternate scenario: Fast forward five years, and the woman’s husband has a sore throat. The sore throat doesn’t go away. After a year, when he clears his throat, he caughs up blood. Then, he caughs up blood, again. After the third occasion of caughing up blood, he gets a little alarmed. Finally, he goes to the doctor. And he is diagnosed with throat cancer. And it’s too advanced already, to operate. Had he come to the doctor earlier, his life could have been saved. But now, it’s already inoperable. He will die within a few weeks.

That’s how cheaters become murderers.

You see, his wife got infected with HPV (human papilloma virus) when she slept around. But she was free of symptoms, and she had her STD tests done. Nevermind that those tests DO NOT CHECK FOR HPV INFECTION. We simply don’t have a test for HPV infection. But she is not a professional, she didn’t know that. Moreover, a bunch of well-meaning but misguided folks at a Catholic internet forum advised her to hush up everything from her husband. And the healthcare professional who did her STD tests, had “pity” on her, and also failed to notify her husband, “because he might divorce her, and she might lose her children”. The healthcare professional was a Planned Parenthood-type feminist. She wasn’t going to tell the husband that his wife slept around, and came in for STD tests.

So now, her husband is dying of HPV-induced throat cancer. And she never knew that she wasn’t even tested for HPV, when she had her STD tests done. She was in fact infected with HPV, but she was symptom-free, and she passed on the infection to her husband. And her husband developed throat cancer as a result. HPV-induced head and neck cancers (cancers of the tongue, tonsils, and throat) are well documented medically. In fact, the incidence of such cancerous lesions in men that test positive for HPV in the lesions have quadrupled (increased 4-fold) over the past 20 years.

That’s how cheaters become murderers.

It’s all being done in the name of “protecting the innocent/wronged party’s peace of mind”.

Please stop holding back in your opinions. Try to express yourself a little bit better!!!