Confessing Adultry to Your Spouse

[EasterJoy]

I will also submit that the insistence on “keeping it a secret just to protect the wronged/innocent spouse from anguish” is nothing but a bald-faced lie. It has nothing to do with protecting the innocent spouse, and everything to do with the cheater trying to protect his/her own ***. And that’s how cheaters become murderers, by living this lie, and by taking the lie to its logical conclusion…

I know some said that the spouse should not be told, period, but I hope that nobody said this was none of the OP’s husband’s business! The question is whether the harm of telling right now is likely to be greater than the harm of not telling. The main thing is that she stop her infidelities. I don’t know if he has a right to know about her infidelities, but there is no question that he has the right to expect her not to commit them in the first place. The first thing she needs to do is whatever is necessary to stop these illicit relationships.

You won’t get an STD if your spouse is engaging in an emotional affair or phone sex, but most women I know would still consider that adultery. You aren’t saying that the reason to tell is because STD’s can kill people? The truth is that 50% of Americans who have ever been sexually active have HPV. Most don’t know it.

And excuse me, but there are plenty of people who unload their guilt about their affairs precisely because they care more about relieving their own guilty consciences than they do about how the news is going to affect their spouses. This leads to “I came clean, I’m faithful now, why can’t you get over it? Why can’t you be forgiving?” There are those of us who would rather the offending spouse be the one to bear that burden, not us.

Certainly if a person is aware of having a disease that could be passed to their spouse, they have to let their spouse know, regardless of how they got the disease. Conversely, though, a spouse who knows by the nature of his or her infidelity that it is impossible to have contracted an STD still has to weigh whether to come clean about the infidelity. Most of the time, the majority of the damage done is above and beyond that.

It is very possible that the OP* will* be instructed by a priest to tell her husband, at least eventually but perhaps right away (I refer to the thread in which she started with despair that she could ever quit her addiction or that her marriage could ever survive the revelation of what she had done, which has progressed to hope that she can get out of her addiction). Even in that case, though, she will be able to get encouragement and advice on how to tell her husband. She will have someone to go to if her husband reacts as she fears he will. I am not saying that she should not tell at all. I’m saying that she ought to tell her entire story to a confessor, and proceed accordingly.

OTOH, I will concede this: It is very easy for offending spouses to rationalize their choices not to tell, to say it is to protect their spouses when in fact they are protecting themselves. That is so predictable, due to human nature, that this is not something that someone ought to decide on their own. The offending spouse needs to find continuing spiritual guidance on that point.

 

[GraceDK]

we surely can, and do

I am just stating that I agree that marriages can be damaged beyond repair and that remaining together can damage how children see and treat marriage and the other gender later in life

A sacramental marriage is something two people vow to infront of God, and He is their witness and He has layed down the criteria for that sacramental marriage which is a covenant until death does them part, and with a bond that no man can break through his own desire.

Now you can choose to say no to the Lord who loves you and created you in His Image - for a life of complete self donating love, no ifs and buts - and you can make a natural marriage without bringing God into it, without His blessing and His Sacramental Grace poured out into every part of it… you can say no thanks to that reality… no one will stop you. But the Christian Biblical marriage is until death.
So to remarry, if any of the persons is already bound by covenant to another person, is adultery.

 

[larkin31]

A sacramental marriage is something two people vow to infront of God, and He is their witness and He has layed down the criteria for that sacramental marriage which is a covenant until death does them part, and with a bond that no man can break through his own desire.

Now you can choose to say no to the Lord who loves you and created you in His Image - for a life of complete self donating love, no ifs and buts - and you can make a natural marriage without bringing God into it, without His blessing and His Sacramental Grace poured out into every part of it… you can say no thanks to that reality… no one will stop you. But the Christian Biblical marriage is until death.
So to remarry, if any of the persons is already bound by covenant to another person, is adultery.

I am aware of this Catholic position.

 

[CactusMoon33]

NO way as a woman if ur over it i dont want to kno. i cant change the past and since uve commited to change i wouldnt c wat good it would do except hurt ur wife and make her feel like she isnt good enough! i say NO WAY!

 

[Pug]

I wonder, how many of those who would “like to know” also believe that they could remarry?

I want to be told, and, since I asked last night, so would my spouse. We both want to know. The reason is not divorce. The reason is what’s best for our current marriage. It is irrelevant to me if I could remarry or not. Most Catholics would not be able to remarry if they divorced.

However, both of us agreed that if the innocent spouse is dying of cancer, perhaps delay until they recover before telling. It seems the sort of revelation that could affect recovery from a serious illness.

 

[GraceDK]

A few last thoughts…

Marriage is about accepting each other’s history and carrying each others burdens.

Transparency means freedom.
I remember when I lost my virginity some years ago and I was devastated afterwards and suffering from a depression. I had the feeling of being the biggest failure, a personification of shame. The disillusionment with my self that was so great that even my family members noticed how depressed I looked although I didn’t tell them what has happend.

Sin is truly sickness and we only heal when we tell the truth about what we have done to those we love and who love us. When we are truly ashamed, we lay on the ground and say to Jesus and our fellowmen: Go from me for I am not worthy. Then, if we encounter pity and compassion and love we get saved. Its very real. That is the start of all healing.
I experienced this surprising compassion and without it I wouldn’t be where I am today… i would have been a cripple caught in my own prison of shame… and who, who truly loved me, would want that?

Now if I am married and I love my spouse, will I not let him heal through transparency, or will he have to live in a lie instead of starting the healing process …
The marriage also has to heal but it cannot heal if a great scar is there which cannot openly be attended to.

When we go to confession we actually confess our sin to Christ and we receive pardon both for the hurt we have caused Him but also the invisible hurt we have caused the Church… maybe therefore the pardon must also go via the Church… it serves to our humility and realisation of the effects of harm we have done.

We are in covenant relationship with the Church as God’s chosen people and the new Israel. We are also in covenant with our spouse, and we need to confess to him, if we have wronged him just like we ask forgiveness when we wronged him in our daily life so that the sins and effects of them, both visible and invisible, cannot take root in our lives…

 

[1234]

Don’t ask, don’t tell, unless you have to.

I have been married many, many years. Each of us married only one person, never married before. Never engaged. Anniversary today. Both of us have been faithful. but from what I have read, it is very unwise to tell, unless for some reason you have to. The marriage may survive, but it won’t be the same.

 

[Sillara]

I wonder, how many of those who would “like to know” also believe that they could remarry?

I do not. I know quite certainly that my marriage is valid. I could never remarry. But I would still want to be told.

 

[Sillara]

Don’t ask, don’t tell, unless you have to.

I have been married many, many years. Each of us married only one person, never married before. Never engaged. Anniversary today. Both of us have been faithful. but from what I have read, it is very unwise to tell, unless for some reason you have to. The marriage may survive, but it won’t be the same.

The marriage ceased to be “the same” the moment the adultery was committed.

 

[faithfully]

We simply don’t have a test for HPV infection.

First of all… I’m in the camp that I’d want to know.

THAT SAID… Joseph, I’m quite concerned about the fact you think we simply don’t have a test for HPV… As a female who happened to visit an OB/GYN YESTERDAY… There was a HUGE poster talking about the HPV test that tests for all 13 strains of HPV that cause cancer.

This test is recommended for women over 30, (their explanation for why NOT women under 30 relates, I think to the assumed number of partners…)and in addition to a regular Pap. If you test clean without any sort of bad pap… they don’t want to see you for another 3 years.

Now… my question is… am I to trust my health care professional that these tests which are FDA approved (for whatever that’s worth now adays) are REAL and accurate… Or do you have some sort of professional source that these are some sort of fake tests being administered causing a false sense of security, and costing an arm and a leg?

You are right however, that some tests aren’t able to detect a disease that hasn’t really settled in right away. It’s kind of like a PG test… you need to be PG for just a little while before they will show a positive!

 

[catharina]

Good explaination. Hmm. I’d be surprised though if there were no allowance for cases in which there is physical abused or adultry, as stipulated in the bible.

Nope. No such allowances.
The Catholic Church teaches exactly what Jesus taught regarding divorce.

1. In Luke 16:18 Jesus says:

"Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and the one who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.

1. ** In Mark 10:2-12**, Jesus says:

2 The Pharisees approached and asked, “Is it lawful for a husband to divorce his wife?” They were testing him.
3 He said to them in reply, “What did Moses command you?”
4 They replied, “Moses permitted him to write a bill of divorce and dismiss her.”
5 But Jesus told them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts he wrote you this commandment.
6 But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.
7 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother (and be joined to his wife),
8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”
10 In the house the disciples again questioned him about this.
11 He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her;
12 and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

There is no other Christain teaching available to any of us.

 

[catharina]

I found a lot on this issue under the Catholic Answers section:

**Question:What is the Church’s view on marriage when a Catholic adulterous husband has filed for divorce against an innocent spouse of 17 years?

A: Civil divorce, under certain circumstances, may not be a bad thing. The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, “The separation of spouses while maintaining the marriage bond can be legitimate in certain cases provided for by canon law (see CIC 1151-1155). If civil divorce remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance, it can be tolerated and does not constitute a moral offense” (CCC 2383). However, civil divorce will not dissolve the marriage. The wife would not be free to remarry unless the first marriage is declared null or until her husband dies.**

I’m not sure if I’m impressed or appalled. I think impressed. It certainly goes against “modern thinking”. It makes one stop and think. Divorce, for the Catholic, is certainly not an easy solution.

As a Protestant, I think of divorce with a coinciding eventual remarriage. In fact, to be honest, that is one of the reasons I support being told. . .Now if I were an observant Catholic, however, that kind of changes things. You couldn’t get remarried most probably.

I wonder, how many of those who would “like to know” also believe that they could remarry?

Yep. You got it!

 

[catharina]

What this means to me is … leave your husband get a divorce and be alone and miserable for the rest of your life. Have your kids uprooted from their school or have their father leave and then they will be angry and rebellious for the next 10 years.

OR…

Fight for your marriage…counselling or whatever it takes. Keep the family in tact and show your children that you are not putting up with the behaviour, but you also still love their father. (that’s if the children find out)

Amen to that!

 

[freerf]

Nope. No such allowances.
The Catholic Church teaches exactly what Jesus taught regarding divorce.

1. In Luke 16:18 Jesus says:

"Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and the one who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.

1. ** In Mark 10:2-12**, Jesus says:

2 The Pharisees approached and asked, “Is it lawful for a husband to divorce his wife?” They were testing him.
3 He said to them in reply, “What did Moses command you?”
4 They replied, “Moses permitted him to write a bill of divorce and dismiss her.”
5 But Jesus told them, “Because of the hardness of your hearts he wrote you this commandment.
6 But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.
7 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother (and be joined to his wife),
8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.
9 Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.”
10 In the house the disciples again questioned him about this.
11 He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her;
12 and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

There is no other Christain teaching available to any of us.

There is: Matt 19:9

And I say to you, Whoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her which is put away does commit adultery.

I’ve read the catholic teaching on Matt 19:9, so I’m not really interested in debating it’s meaning here.

Thanks

 

[catharina]

I will also submit that the insistence on “keeping it a secret just to protect the wronged/innocent spouse from anguish” is nothing but a bald-faced lie. It has nothing to do with protecting the innocent spouse, and everything to do with the cheater trying to protect his/her own ***. And that’s how cheaters become murderers, by living this lie, and by taking the lie to its logical conclusion.

Yet you clearly said in the preceding post
that if your wife did not wish to know because knowing
would cause additional stresses in her life - you’d keep quiet.

I say if a spouse **decides that **for another spouse (as in, I’ll keep
quiet about it so my spouse doesn’t lose it), then it’s really the same (IMO).

 

[ethereality]

This is not true. There is no theology in the Catholic church that states this.

I’m pretty sure you’re wrong and that what I wrote is correct, but I don’t care enough to go searching through the Catechism to find what I was referring to.

In fact many many good priests counsel offending (reconciled) spouses not to tell b/c it would cause so much damage.

Huh, that’s weird. Seems indicative of an unhealthy marriage, if one feels secrets should be kept.

 

[Sillara]

Yet you clearly said in the preceding post
that if your wife did not wish to know because knowing
would cause additional stresses in her life - you’d keep quiet.

I say if a spouse **decides that **for another spouse (as in, I’ll keep
quiet about it so my spouse doesn’t lose it), then it’s really the same (IMO).

I disagree completely. The whole point of Joseph’s post was that he was deferring to the wishes of his wife, the INJURED spouse, in the scenario. It is the prerogative of the INJURED spouse to make the decision, not that of the adulterous spouse. The adulterous spouse should get NO say in this.

 

[larkin31]

I’m pretty sure you’re wrong and that what I wrote is correct, but I don’t care enough to go searching through the Catechism to find what I was referring to.
Huh, that’s weird. Seems indicative of an unhealthy marriage, if one feels secrets should be kept.

Lots of private sins are to be kept that way: private.

 

[catharina]

There is: Matt 19:9

And I say to you, Whoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, commits adultery: and whoever marries her which is put away does commit adultery.

I’ve read the catholic teaching on Matt 19:9, so I’m not really interested in debating it’s meaning here.

Thanks

My Catholic translation of Matthew 19:9 is this: [Jesus speaking] “I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (unless the marriage is unlawful) and marries another commits adultery.” The words seem clear to me.

 

[Pug]

I’m pretty sure you’re wrong and that what I wrote is correct, but I don’t care enough to go searching through the Catechism to find what I was referring to.
Huh, that’s weird. Seems indicative of an unhealthy marriage, if one feels secrets should be kept.

Is it possible that your line of reasoning is that adultery is a sin of injustice and offenses against justice require reparation? Here is the CCC on reparation:
**2487 **Every offense committed against justice and truth entails the duty of reparation, even if its author has been forgiven. When it is impossible publicly to make reparation for a wrong, it must be made secretly. If someone who has suffered harm cannot be directly compensated, he must be given moral satisfaction in the name of charity. This duty of reparation also concerns offenses against another’s reputation. This reparation, moral and sometimes material, must be evaluated in terms of the extent of the damage inflicted. It obliges in conscience.

Just rummage around and you will find the CCC saying that adultery is an injustice.