Confessing IUI

[Rockvillecath]

Dear Catholic Answers community:

Warning: This post contains frank (but not crude) language regarding sex.

After a badly treated miscarriage years ago, my wife has been unable to conceive. In desperation she turned to IUI (intrauterine insemination). The procedure was carried out a few days ago and we are now waiting for results.

I know that the church considers the use of IUI to be sinful and why. (I asked the doctor if we could obtain my semen by having relations with a “Catholic condom”, but their regulations require that the men use masturbation). But I did not have it in me to deny my wife’s desire for a baby of her own flesh and blood.

My question is: what happens to my relationship with God? I know that I have committed a mortal sin and have refrained from Communion since making my decision to go along with the IUI. I could have told my wife the standard line of “maybe God did not intended you to have a child”, but seeing her frustration and desperation I could not deny her this. If nothing comes up of the procedure, I can honestly confess weakness and knowingly disobeying God and his church.

But, if my wife is pregnant, how can I confess regret when I am going to be so joyful for her sake and mine? How can I express that I detest my sin when my sin gave me a child?

I have been praying for my wife to be pregnant. Is this wrong? Am I compounding my sin by asking God for a conception?

I intend to meet with my parish priest, but I want to sort out my mind and soul before we meet. Every day I feel a bit more regret for going along with the IUI. But, I also grow more hopeful that my wife is pregnant. Can I honestly say the words of the act of contrition if I am partly happy for the consequences of my failings?

Thanks.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

If your wife does conceive, you don’t have to be sorry for that. In fact, unless you have been abstaining from normal relations, you won’t know which caused the conception. You should have contrition for the unnatural means used. The problem is, if this does not work, are you going to be drawn into more and more immoral procedures? Where are you going to draw the line?

 

[chefmomster2]

The Saints:

“You can win more converts with a spoonful of honey than with a barrelful of vinegar.” St. Francis de Sales

“You will accomplish more by kind words and a courteous manner than by anger or sharp rebuke, which should never be used except in necessity.” -St. Angela Merici

“Love the sinner, hate the sin.” -St. Augustine of Hippo

“He alone loves the Creator perfectly who manifests a pure love for his neighbor.” -St. Bede the Venerable

Our Lord:
The Call of Matthew.
9As Jesus passed on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the customs post. He said to him, “Follow me.” And he got up and followed him. 10While he was at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat with Jesus and his disciples. 11The Pharisees saw this and said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” 12He heard this and said, “Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. 13Go and learn the meaning of the words, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ I did not come to call the righteous but sinners.”

I will never understand those who feel self-righteous, even virtuous, for shunning gay people. If Jesus were here I have no doubt that He would associate with them just as He did the sinners in the scripture. Are we not supposed to “do as Jesus would do”?

Secondly, it is clear that homosexual acts are grievously sinful. So are heterosexual acts outside of sanctified marriage. So are murder, theft, and missing mass. In fact, if your standard is that you must shun (the opposite of accept) those who commit mortal sin, then you will find yourself without a faith community! There would likely be few if any members acceptable to you.

We have always and consistently been told that we MUST love our neighbors. I remember no exceptions to that teaching.

Hate the sin of apostacy. Love the apostate.
Hate the sin of murder. Love the murderer.
Hate the sin of adultery. Love the adulterer.
Hate the sin of homosexual acts. Love the homosexual.

Loving them means this: Love them as you would yourself. Love them as Jesus would love them.

God will be the judge of their actions. He will also judge us by our love.

"The human person is a good towards which the only proper attitude is love."
-Venerable John Paul II

 

[underacloud]

As Paul says, the problem isn’t if it works, but if it doesn’t work. Will you seek IUI again? If you would, then you can’t confess with genuine contrition for your current sin, since you intend to commit the same sin again.

If she is pregnant, then you don’t need to be sorry for that, just sorry for the means you used to obtain the result. Since you don’t know that you wouldn’t have fallen pregant anyway (right now or some time in the future), it is not wrong to be happy to be pregant.

This is a very difficult challenge for you and my heart goes out to you and your wife. Don’t worry too much about getting your head right before going to see your priest. Just be open and honest with him.

 

[Galbin]

I don’t believe in IUI/IVF etc.; however I wish you and your wife well. I also wish you luck with conceiving.

 

[Rockvillecath]

Thanks for your responses. Before we started the IUI treatment, the doctor suggested that we try the procedure from 4 to 6 times, at least. I was able to convince my wife to only try two times, but now I dont think I could go through this a second time.

I have been reading online about NAPRO technology and I am thinking that may be an option for us. However, what I have read seems very confusing.

You tell me that if the procedure works it is not a problem, but this seems to be my biggest stumbling block. Maybe I am being scrupulous, but how can I be sorrowful for my sinful behavior if I am happy with the results? Normally when I sin, I am aware that I disobeyed God AND I can also see that the fruits of my sin were bad. So if the IUI doesnt work I can see that I disobeyed God’s church and all we got was disappointment. If it works, however, I’ll be jumping for joy.

 

[twf]

When you confess this sin, you need to have firm purpose (sincere intent) to not commit this sin again. It sounds like you are already at that point. Don’t focus too much on the emotional side - our emotions are often beyond our control; rather, focus on the act of the will: have you decided to not sin in this way again? We can truly repent of our sins while still praising God and finding joy in the good that He, in His mercy and love, brings out of our mistakes. A more typical example would be fornication. My parents conceived by before they were married - that sexual encounter was sinful, but my existence certainly isn’t. God brought something good even out of their sin and they were joyful for it. In the Easter liturgy the Church prays:
*O truly necessary sin of Adam,
destroyed completely by the Death of Christ!

O happy fault
that earned for us so great, so glorious a Redeemer!*

Adam’s repented of his sin against God and all of his descendants have suffered as a result of his sin, but at the same time, the Church rejoices in the fact that out of this sin of Adam God has brought forth salvation in Christ.

 

[underacloud]

In this case the sin is not in the ends (results), but merely in the means. The ends are good and you will be right to celebrate. But you can still be sorry for using the means of IUI.

Here’s an analogy for you. An oldy but a goody. Say some nazis come to your door looking for Jews, whom you are hiding. In the stress of the moment, you lie to the nazis and say that you don’t know where the Jews are and you are certainly not hiding any. When the nazis leave, you are extremely happy that the Jews were not killed, but nonehteless you are sorry that you lied to obtain this great outcome. You are sorry for the means, but celebrate the ends (results).

Yes, it would be good to explore NAPRO or just meet with a Catholic doctor if you can find one locally. And I’m certain that talking with a trusted priest will help you work through all this.

 

[Falco]

Masturbation is considered a sin because the sperm does not end up inside the woman, and pregnancy is being deliberately avoided. It is not the using of the hand that is the sin, it is the avoidance of being open to life.

I take it that the object of the exercise in your case is to get your sperm inside your wife, so that she CAN become pregnant. So, where do you see a sin in doing everything you can to provide this? There is a pause in the process, but your sperm ends up in the right place for the right reason. I’d say you were doing everything right, so where’s the guilt?

 

[underacloud]

This is a great analogy, the logic is perfect! However (not to derail the thread but technically and just for the record lying to Nazis would not be sinful but that is another topic…just want to be clear to the original poster about sins that’s all) See Catechism of the Catholic Church: paragraphs 2488, 2489, & 2491

There are many threads written about such topics (and this exact example) and this perhaps isn’t the place to rehash the arguments, but I (probably) disagree with what you say. The catechism quotes you offer of course show that it is right to withhold the truth from the nazis, who have no right to it. But they do not, explicitly or impliciatly, condone outright lying to them.

Or perhaps you mean that lying to the nazis would not be held as a personal sin. By that I mean - lying is an objective sin (always sinful per se), but the duress would remove cuplability for the sin in this case. I completely agree with that sort of analysis.

Anyway, not the place to go further into this example. Other threads have gone over this one in detail.

 

[LittleRose]

Can I honestly say the words of the act of contrition if I am partly happy for the consequences of my failings?

Yes, you can be happy about your child, while deeply and sincerely regretting the sins you committed in her conception.

The same is true for couples who have children through, shall we say, more “everyday” forms of sexual sin, such as premarital sex. If you listen to the testimony of parents who had children out of wedlock, many of them regret doing so, but they do not regret the existence of the child.

The same principle applies here.

And I agree with the others who have suggested NaProTechnology. Doctors who practice this form of medicine concern themselves with healing the body, and not manipulating it. They will treat you both like human beings instead of sources of lab specimens. You will not be pressured to do anything morally unacceptable. There are only about a dozen of them out there, but it is worth traveling for the quality of care they provide.

Infertility is a terrible cross to bear. May God send both of you healing and peace.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

And I agree with the others who have suggested NaProTechnology. Doctors who practice this form of medicine concern themselves with healing the body, and not manipulating it. They will treat you both like human beings instead of sources of lab specimens. You will not be pressured to do anything morally unacceptable. There are only about a dozen of them out there, but it is worth traveling for the quality of care they provide.

While it’s true that many people do have to travel a bit farther for treatment, there are far more than a dozen NaPro Technology-trained doctors out there!

fertilitycare.org/ → Click on “find a medical consultant” to see lists of doctors by US state or Canadian province. In the event the OP is in Europe, there are lists of European doctors at FertilityCare Europe’s website, www.fertilitycare.net

OP, I will be praying for you. I know from personal experience how difficult the cross of infertility is to bear.

 

[LittleRose]

While it’s true that many people do have to travel a bit farther for treatment, there are far more than a dozen NaPro Technology-trained doctors out there!

Not quite. While there are many doctors out there who are Creighton medical consultants, there are only about a dozen who have gone through the 1 year fellowship program at the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha. (Maybe a couple more by now, if they have graduated from the program…)

Medical consultants have been to the same training as Creighton Model instructors and are familiar with NaPro procedures. They have basic knowledge of chart interpretation and may be able to time blood tests.

Fellowship-trained doctors have spent a year in Omaha training under Dr. Hilgers, who pioneered NaPro. They are much more thoroughly trained, work with specialized labs to get bloodwork analyzed, and can perform nearly adhesion-free surgery to correct many GYN issues. They are also more familiar with the protocols Dr. Hilgers has developed for correcting hormone imbalances, managing high-risk pregnancies, and medicating for other issues.

While a regular medical consultant is good, the fellowship-trained doctor is better. I speak from experience, as I have been to both.

The FertilityCare directory will differentiate between regular medical consultants and those that feature Surgical NaPro. I strongly recommend seeing the latter, if that is a possibility.

Either option sure as heck beats a typical IVF/IUI type fertility specialist.

Another possibility is to try to find a reproductive endocrinologist who went through medical school before the Pill and IVF became standard practices. They are sometimes more aware of ways to fix the problem, rather than masking it or forcing the body to go around it. These doctors are rare, however. Most who fall into this category are now retired or deceased.

 

[Rau]

I don’t believe in IUI/IVF etc.;

Why would you reject these procedures if they were your only option to conceive, and you were desperately desiring a child?

 

[Galbin]

I don’t believe in IUI/IVF because it is completely messing with biology. If you can’t get pregnant through natural means then I believe you are not meant to conceive. There are even some authors who have written about the weakening of the gene pool due to these artificial means. I know that is a bit of a eugenic perspective, but I just think that if I can’t conceive then I am just not meant to be a mother.

I do hope this man and his wife find happiness and a baby though. I also think that I am not fit to judge anyone for anything, ever. So I could be wrong.

 

[LittleRose]

Why would you reject these procedures if they were your only option to conceive, and you were desperately desiring a child?

Long post warning. To the OP, any tone of frustration you detect here is not, I repeat NOT directed at you, but at the influence of the Culture of Death upon mainstream medicine, especially where infertility is concerned.

DH and I have been “desperately desiring a child” for several years now, and we don’t believe in IVF, etc. either. Here is why:

First of all, it is important to understand that artificial reproductive procedures are rarely (if ever) truly the “only option”. Ever since the release of Humanae Vitae, Catholic doctors have been putting their brains to work, finding ways to help women to be healthy and to help couples conceive, while respecting the rights and bodily integrity of the couple and any children they may have.

This research has borne much fruit! The success rates of restorative treatments such as those used in NaProTechnology have proven that, as they are much higher than the 20-30% success rates of things like IVF and IUI. In the end, the person who benefits most from the artificial practices is the doctor who performs them, often at a rate of $10,000 per cycle. That’s a lot of money to pay for an illusion of perfect technological control over your body. The New York Times published a surprisingly insightful article on this issue here: nytimes.com/2013/09/12/opinion/selling-the-fantasy-of-fertility.html?_r=0

On top of the high cost and low statistical rate of success, the medical interference with one’s natural biology that these technologies necessitate is unappealing to many, as Galbin noted. I personally find the risk of further damage to my body unacceptable, and I object to a medical culture that treats the female body as a problem to be solved, rather than something to be respected, protected, and healed. (Oh, you’re fertile? There is a birth control pill to “treat” that! Oh, you have painful cycles? Never mind why, there’s a birth control pill to treat that! Oh, you’re infertile? Never mind why, we can force your body to get pregnant…) :banghead:

My body is already messed up enough without a doctor injecting massive amounts of carcinogenic synthetic hormones into it or trying to implant half a dozen embryos and waiting to see what may or may not happen.

In addition to the medical risks and high costs, there are also the Church’s highly reasonable moral objections to these procedures, which as Catholics we are asked to trust. For Catholics, artificial reproductive technologies are no only not the “only option”. They are not an option, period. The Catechism explains why in paragraphs 2374-2379 (link)

I love that there are medical professionals who care about me and love God enough to want to heal me without resorting to immoral means. I have been under the care of such medical professionals for about a year now. While my fertility has not yet been completely restored, my reproductive health is better than it has been in about 16 years, and the integrity of my body, my soul, and my marriage have never been put in danger during that time.

Infertility, as I have said before, is a heavy cross to bear. I understand the pain of it, so I see why people may feel driven to seek artificial means, especially when they don’t know that they have other, better options. Many doctors don’t even know that there are better options out there.

Better things do exist though, and I sincerely hope that the OP and his wife will find comfort and strength in God’s love, and true healing through better medical treatments.

 

[Rau]

I don’t believe in IUI/IVF because it is completely messing with biology. If you can’t get pregnant through natural means then I believe you are not meant to conceive. There are even some authors who have written about the weakening of the gene pool due to these artificial means. I know that is a bit of a eugenic perspective, but I just think that if I can’t conceive then I am just not meant to be a mother.

I do hope this man and his wife find happiness and a baby though. I also think that I am not fit to judge anyone for anything, ever. So I could be wrong.

To be clear we are not talking about “judging” anyone - for doing so is to stand in for God. We are discussing what is morally right and wrong. That is an objective assessment that we can make and we have the Church’s teaching as our guide.

BTW - most of modern medicine “messes with biology”. Afflictions (such as infertility) are not a sign from God that must just be accepted. Some very short items on IVF fyi:

catholicworldreport.com/Item/1774/church_teaching_on_in_vitro_fertilization.aspx#.UznFkmeKAr8

vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm
[Search down to The Gift of a Child]

 

[Galbin]

To be clear we are not talking about “judging” anyone - for doing so is to stand in for God. We are discussing what is morally right and wrong. That is an objective assessment that we can make and we have the Church’s teaching as our guide.

BTW - most of modern medicine “messes with biology”. Afflictions (such as infertility) are not a sign from God that must just be accepted. Some very short items on IVF fyi:

catholicworldreport.com/Item/1774/church_teaching_on_in_vitro_fertilization.aspx#.UznFkmeKAr8

vatican.va/archive/ccc_css/archive/catechism/p3s2c2a6.htm
[Search down to The Gift of a Child]

I was talking to the OP, not to you. They seem very anxious and upset, so I was trying to reassure them.

Of course infertility doesn’t have to be blindly accepted. However taking an egg and putting it in a test tube with some sperm is hardly biologically natural. I don’t believe it is in God’s plan. However, as I said it is never for me to judge someone. I even pray for serial killers sometimes. God love them. And I mean that.

 

[Rau]

Of course infertility doesn’t have to be blindly accepted. However taking an egg and putting it in a test tube with some sperm is hardly biologically natural. I don’t believe it is in God’s plan. …

You speak here of what is biologically unnatural - “taking an egg and putting it in a test tube”…

Yet, on another thread, you are completely OK with two men engaging in homosexual acts - what could be less “natural” than 2 men emitting semen? How is doing that connected with the love that 2 men might feel for each other? Help me to understand how homosexual acts ARE in God’s plan, yet IVF is not!

 

[Galbin]

You speak here of what is biologically unnatural - “taking an egg and putting it in a test tube”…

Yet, on another thread, you are completely OK with two men engaging in homosexual acts - what could be less “natural” than 2 men emitting semen? How is doing that connected with the love that 2 men might feel for each other? Help me to understand how homosexual acts ARE in God’s plan, yet IVF is not!

Because gay sex does not involve any type of technology. Gay sex has also been around for millennia and is a natural process that does not require medical intervention. Test tubes have only been around a very short time.

Anyway, this thread is meant to be supportive to the OP, not a place for debate.