Confessing Pre-Marital Sex/Birth Control

[Primrose_gill]

Gulp. I was reading this thread from the start and thinking “what positive and encouraging, if challenging responses these are!” and I definitely think they were among the best consecutive set of responses I’ve seen on posts responding to personal questions on the forum. For the first two pages. Then it all seemed to descend into, for want of a better term, cattiness! (like cats fighting!!)

I’m trying to understand why and I know there is a whole lot of good intention - firstly, I think the OP (original poster? Im new to this lark but I guess that’s what it is) is doing something important: questioning. Admitting they have a doubt and feel conflicted and exploring it, and most importantly praying to have a change and agree with the teaching. I think that’s commendable: they know they’re not in agreement with the teaching, they openly admit it but also they are praying for God to help them.

Next, the many knowledgeable contributors gathered here have addressed the OPs questions and they have the answers that they needed. Also awesome.

Then, we have people who feel guided by their consciences to point out where the OP is in sin, and their intention is good and guided by the desire to do right by the OP, for the good of their soul. Again, this is wonderful.

But then somehow the whole conversation gets horribly heated, it sounds very judgemental and angry and it leaves me thinking “how did we get here again!!”.

So I’m off to pray that we can all be guided in our interactions here to be patient; to greet each other with respect, humility and open hearts; to come with peace in our hearts for each other; to be gentle with each other, and kind always; to not judge - ever - even when it’s really very tempting.

Peace be with you all!

 

[AthenaC]

As far as the premaritial sex. It’s a self control issue. Chastity of mind, heart and soul for yourself and for those you love.

Suppose one day, in your marriage, you’re no longer able to have sex with your wife. What then?

Or your wife is not able to have sex with you.

You’ve never experienced your relationship without the availablity of the sexual act.

Why is that?

Unfortuneately, the passion of sex wears off. Life seeps in. Other responsibilities seep in.
Reality hits like a ton of bricks.

He’s unwilling to experience his relationship now, without sex.

Some people look elsewhere for sex, when sex gets “boring”. Many divorce over this issue because they never experienced relationship without sex.

You do raise good points, and I hadn’t thought of those. In response:

1. It is true that practicing self-control and abstaining can be character-strengthening, but if there is a situation down the road where they are unable to have sex, it won’t be ANY easier to have self-control after years of being able to have sex whenever they want because they are married. The self-control muscle grows weak from lack of use. Abstaining before marriage is so far removed from that situation that it will have no effect on whether they succeed in continuing to be faithful or not.
2. No sex in marriage is (almost) universally the sign of a dying marriage. Any marriage therapist worth their salt will advise that the couple rekindle their sex life with each other, and may even have some helpful suggestions in that regard. Just because sex gets “boring” down the road doesn’t condemn them to a sexless marriage or divorce. Again, sex in marriage is important. If it weren’t, impotent people would be allowed to marry.

 

[ebonykawai]

I’m no expert on anything, and let me tell you, I’ve sinned like any other person on this green earth.

I have a wonderful confessor, and for that I’m so grateful. All I can say here is “Those of you without sin, cast the first stone.” My obedience is not perfect. My understanding is not perfect. My faith is not perfect. My soul is a work in progress. All we can do, sometimes, is to pray for greater obedience, greater understanding, and greater faith.

OP, you know the teachings. Follow them to the best of your ability and if that is imperfect, pray to be more perfect. God loves you so much!!! Go to confession, and try to “sin no more”. And if you fall, then get up, go back to confession, and try to “sin no more.”

None is us is perfect, and I’m pretty sure God, in His infinite wisdom, knows this real well. Just try. That’s all any of us can do. :hug3:

 

[Barbkw]

You do raise good points, and I hadn’t thought of those. In response:

1. It is true that practicing self-control and abstaining can be character-strengthening, but if there is a situation down the road where they are unable to have sex, it won’t be ANY easier to have self-control after years of being able to have sex whenever they want because they are married. The self-control muscle grows weak from lack of use. Abstaining before marriage is so far removed from that situation that it will have no effect on whether they succeed in continuing to be faithful or not.

People who practice Natural Family Planning abstain from intercourse during furtile cycles.

 

[AthenaC]

People who practice Natural Family Planning abstain from intercourse during furtile cycles.

And if you don’t practice NFP (but not ABC either) you are never abstaining.

 

[Barbkw]

And if you don’t practice NFP (but not ABC either) you are never abstaining.

Not necessarily. You might be abstaining more than when practicing NFP.

 

[AthenaC]

Not necessarily. You might be abstaining more than when practicing NFP.

… I’m confused. How do you figure? If you’re not practicing NFP, and are open to life whenever, why would you abstain? For fun?

 

[agapewolf]

First of all, I completely agree that one should not receive the sacrament of marriage when not in a state of grace. My point I was trying to make was that your post and one other quoted “implied” (at least in my opinion) that such a marriage would be invalid/ not sacramental.

If one gets married while not in the state of grace, the marriage is valid, it is sacramental, and one starts receiving the graces of the sacrament when one is reconciled to God. I am not saying, nor did I say that one should do so.

The other post I was referring to, but did not quote was:

Again, you should not do so; but you most certainly can.

I made no search assertion that marriage would be invalid.

 

[LongingForLight]

Let me try and explain, we rent a townhouse together, with a lease. Breaking a lease contract, finding new housing, etc. is financially impossible for us. I wasn’t expecting to be told anything about this, as I did not bring it up, I was just responding to their advice.

Been there, done that. Seriously, switch the genders, and this is me eight years ago.

I strongly, strongly recommend Christopher West. Basically, both NFP and ABC reduce the odds of pregnancy. The difference is that sex is, in the Catholic church, more than something fun you do. When you change the sex act so it is less fruitful than it would otherwise be, you are not really giving yourself fully to your spouse. You are withholding your fertility, your fruitfulness. However, the sex act itself says that you are giving yourself entirely, as you are at that moment, without holding back anything - including your fertility and your implied commitment to the natural consequences of fertile sex.

Let me see if rephrasing that helps . . . NFP means you only give yourself when you know you have less to give - when you have less fruitfulness, as a couple. You don’t lie and pretend to be willing to give yourself fully when you are naturally more fruitful, you honestly say, “I don’t believe it is prudent to give myself fully to you at this time” and you refrain from sexual expression of your unity. ABC means you are holding a piece of yourself back while engaging in an act that claims full self-giving.

Okay, that may make sense, and it might not. But there’s another practical question you have to deal with: What can you do from here?

It is, in fact, possible to live together before marriage and be chaste. It’s not prudent, because you are putting yourself under the constant strain of temptation, but it is possible and temptation plus scandal is better than actual sinning, if you truly cannot afford to live apart.

My boyfriend and I had shared bank accounts, shared credit cards, a shared lease, etc., and splitting would have been very messy and expensive. However, my desire to truly live the faith I professed combined with my great weakness and inability to refuse temptation put my boyfriend in a very difficult place (he was non-Christian, so pre-marital sex was not against his understanding of right and wrong). Finally, he cut off the sexual part of our relationship (when my birth control pill ran out - thank Heaven Planned Parenthood only gave one year for free back then! Made it much easier to quit) and encouraged me to go to Confession.

I honestly think we were headed toward a breakup when our lease ended if he hadn’t done this; I couldn’t tell if I was with him because of the embarrassment of premarital sex and fear of dating again without my virginity, because of the hormones and addiction to sex, or because God willed us to marry someday. A couple of months later, we were engaged. Things are a lot clearer without sex clouding one’s head. Those couple-uniting hormones are valuable in strengthening a marriage, but when dating you want to get out if things aren’t going well, not make yourselves falsely seem close with oxytocin and other pleasurable hormones released in sex. We enrolled in an NFP class shortly after so we’d be prepared to be both chaste and prudent after marriage, and 15 months after that we were married.

I am not the only person with a story like this. A return to pre-marital chastity is possible, and if your girlfriend is open to it, I strongly recommend it. You want to go into marriage with a clean heart and a clear head. Give yourselves a chance to build your non-coital connections to each other, so you have an even stronger foundation when you add sex back into the mix after marriage.

And do check out Christopher West, “The Good News About Sex and Marriage”, and the Theology of the Body in general.

Thanks for your patience with my wordiness, I hope I was fairly clear. I’m pretty tired from work and family right now, the holidays still haven’t worn off for me May God bless you and guide you, and may His Spirit be with you as you discern your path.

 

[tafan]

I made no search assertion that marriage would be invalid.

Ok, sorry, my original post about this was in response to an assetion by BlueEyedLady that the OP would have to miss out on a sacramental marriage. Since you responded so strongly to my response to BlueEyedLady, and said that what I quoted was not wrong, I made a mistake of assuming you had been the person who I disagreed with initially.

 

[prodigalson2011]

Thank you, and I do have a question on this.

NFP is a means by which a couple can exercise their wills to decrease the likelihood of conceiving by a great margin. They know that if they DO conceive, they will support and raise that child.

ABC (in the form of condoms) is a means by which a couple can exercise their wills to decrease the likelihood of conceiving by a great margin. In our case, we also know that if we DO conceive, we will support and raise that child. I cannot understand the logical leap it takes to say that, just because one method uses a piece of latex and one uses purposeful timing of sex, BOTH are being used to control birth, and (depending on the couple, as is true in my case) both are open to the possibility of life (since ABC is not 100% effective). We know that we are open to the possibility of life, but do not actively seek to become pregnant (exactly the same mentality if we were to be using NFP).

Does this confusion make more sense now? Thank you all for the wonderful advice by the way!

This is a very complex question, one which I must admit I have struggled to understand myself, so I’ll answer as much as I can myself and then provide a source for further information.

First, I would point out that NFP can be an invalid practice if sufficient reasons to avoid conception are not present. This is something that should probably be worked out with a spiritual director.

As for the important differences between NFP and ABC, those most clear to my understanding are as follows.

ABC is a societal evil which directly contributes to the normalization and acceptance of fornication, promiscuity and the general loss of sexual mores. So, in addition to being a personal sin, it also contributes to the proliferation of sin at large. It also makes sex a commodity, available on demand and dehumanizes the act. NFP requires discipline, mutual sacrifice and planning; it is a spiritually unitive practice wherein both parties are called to practice chastity and abstinence. It also makes use of the woman’s God given fertility cycle, therefore respecting God’s design, while ABC attempts to remove God from sexuality altogether.

If you’d like a more elaborate explanation, here is some “extra credit” reading:

catholicnewsagency.com/resource.php?n=535

 

[kozlosap]

First of all, your comment about “checking brain at the door” is insulting. There is no need for that. I also NEVER discouraged new catholics…I never had a “commandment”, AND the most important thing here: it is impossible for the church to have a “Teaching” on faith and morals about the world being round. That has nothing to do with faith and morals. Get your facts straight, and stop being so sarcastic and vile. It’s not necessary.

Forming a conscience has NOTHING to do with popular opinion. It has everything to do with forming in light of the teaching of the church. Jesus promised that the Holy Spirit would prevent Peter from teaching error. I think history proves the fact that the pope stands firm even though the other protestant churches decide to “change” their teaching. Truth cannot change. The church doesn’t go against natural law.

I was not being insulting, I was describing how I FEEL. My apologies. I don’t think there is any point in continuing this part of the thread. I basically wanted the OP to feel welcome in the Church and to assure him/her that talking to a priest is the best way to obtain answers and find peace.

 

[jilly4ski]

I hope you are still around Westernblot, I hope you are working at this issue and not just letting it stay where it is.

Yes the others were correct, no confession (until contrition) and thus no Eucharist.
I would just like to ask, are you comfortable with that? What happens if you die in a car accident between now and September? After all the bible is pretty explicit.

1 Cor 6:9

“Do you not know that the unjust will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators nor idolaters nor aldulterers nor boy prostitutes not sodomites not thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor robbers will inherit the kingdom of God”

I just post this to show you that, this is not just some Church rule made up, but is in the bible and very serious (see the loss of heaven).

 

[SusanneT]

We have some friends who were in the same boat exactly. Catholic man - non religious woman living in sin. When they discussed marriage he said he would like to follow the Church and she agreed to try. After some thought they separated (and stayed celibate) for their engagement and subsequently have followed an increasing conservative / orthodox path. In many ways lead by her (we met via our kids day nursery).

They have two kids and one on the way. They both regret having been sexually active before marriage (and each other) and she particularly regrets using hormonal contraception. In fact she is my only NFP using girlfriend

So with the support of you faïence OP I’m sure you could do it !

 

[Cirdan_XII]

Accepting this, we can move on to premarital sex:

1. If contraception is sinful, all sexual acts must be open to life.
2. Sexual partners have a responsibility to any children that results from their union.
3. Human psychology tells us family stability is important to the development and well being of children.
4. Parents therefore are obligated to provide a stable family for the child.
5. Marriage (absolute commitment) is the necessary state for provision of this stability.
6. Therefore, all sex acts should take place within the bound of marriage.

Any questions?

Disagree, because:

According to that logic:

• there is no reason a couple that is not yet married but going to get married shortly should not have sex and conceive, as the child will obviously be born after the marriage
• people who for biological raesons, be they infertility or menopause, should not have sex even if they are married, or should not be allowed to marry if they are not married. That is nonsense.

 

[Joe_5859]

I don’t want to overlly beat up on the OP, and I am not one who would question his conversion or his being Catholic. This a serious question. Where is his humility? He was very clear that he knows the Church’s teaching and know’s it is a sin; yet continues to engage in the acts and has no plans on changing his behavior. A serious question, because it seems to me that the greater sin is one of pride: eg "I struggle with agreeing with the teaching (therefore I continue to engage in the acts). ". In other words, I am smarter than the Church.

Certainly we could all stand to be more humble, the OP (and myself) included.

The fact that he is here at all conveys to me the fact that he is honestly grappling with this issue and is seeking an explanation that makes sense to him. That, to me, exhibits a degree of humility which should be affirmed. He could quite easily (like the many, many others out there) simply scoff that the Church is “out of touch” and keep doing his own thing indefinitely. He has done what many others don’t do: seek clarification. For that, I think he deserves some respect.

Of course I think the Church is right and I also think that he should follow Church teaching even before fully understanding it. But I think he should be affirmed for the positive steps he is taking.

For the OP, I would share this wonderful quote from a fellow convert Blessed John Henry Cardinal Newman:

“Trust the Church of God implicitly even when your natural judgment would take a different course from hers and would induce you to question her prudence or correctness. Recollect what a hard task she has; how she is sure to be criticized and spoken against, whatever she does; recollect how much she needs your loyal and tender devotion; recollect, too, how long is the experience gained in 1800 years; and what a right she has to claim your assent to principles which have had so extended and triumphant a trial. Thank her that she has kept the faith safe for so many generations and do your part in helping her to transmit it to generations after you.”

I think this is a great passage to reflect on when struggling with certain teachings of the Church. God bless you on your journey.

 

[Cirdan_XII]

Certainly we could all stand to be more humble, the OP (and myself) included.

The fact that he is here at all conveys to me the fact that he is honestly grappling with this issue and is seeking an explanation that makes sense to him. That, to me, exhibits a degree of humility which should be affirmed. He could quite easily (like the many, many others out there) simply scoff that the Church is “out of touch” and keep doing his own thing indefinitely. He has done what many others don’t do: seek clarification. For that, I think he deserves some respect.

 

[prodigalson2011]

Disagree, because:

According to that logic:

• there is no reason a couple that is not yet married but going to get married shortly should not have sex and conceive, as the child will obviously be born after the marriage
• people who for biological raesons, be they infertility or menopause, should not have sex even if they are married, or should not be allowed to marry if they are not married. That is nonsense.

Disagree again, because:

• prior to marriage, commitment is not absolute and binding. Either party could decide to back out at any time. TRUE Marriage is the affirmation of intent necessary to ensure the total commitment of both parties before God.
• this is not so, because: a) infertility is not a willful frustration of the sexual act, and in some cases, “miraculous” conceptions have occurred in couples thought to be barren. Again, neither is menopause a willful frustration of the sexual act.
  Lastly, while this is a strictly logical explanation, Catholics have the benefit of the testimony of Scripture, in which your examples are permitted.

 

[AMD10]

Okay, I did not read all the responses. However, I was in your boat very recently.

One book that completely changed the way I view sex and birth control is Rome Sweet Home (or is it Home Sweet Rome? I can never remember) by Kimberly and Scott Hahn. Before reading this book, I could not come off the pill. My husband and I knew we’d be thrilled if we did have a birth control failure, but we could not give up using BC, despite my strong health-related convictions regarding the matter and the fact that we weren’t worried about having a baby. Within two days of reading that chapter of the book, I was off the pill, and I absolutely cannot ever consider using it again.

But that’s the short version of my story. You cannot force what others expect you to feel and value; you can only do what you feel is best for you and your faith and your family.

 

[twoangels]

Thank you, and I know I am new but I converted for many reasons, I do love the Church and I believe it is the one Church Christ founded. I am struggling with this one issue but I believe through prayer I will come to abide by this law. I can’t just “make” myself agree with it, therefore I can’t confess the sin…I think I’m just very conflicted.

My fiancée is not Catholic, but very supportive of my faith. She has already told me that if I need to, she’s fine waiting for sex until marriage.

Something that is sinful does not always lead to a gut feeling conviction that it is wrong. I did wait for marriage, but we struggled with chastity during our engagement. For most of it, we always felt horrible about it. We’d cry and rush to confession very emotionally. But toward the end of our engagement that emotional freak out session faded occassionally. It no longer felt wrong and we both kept going to confession because objectively speaking it was still sinful regardless of how we felt.

My advise is to go to confession and talk about that you’re acknowledging that this is a sin and are making an act of humility to confess it and that you want to strive toward overcoming it, but that you’re lacking the motivation to follow through. Afterward this will mean making choices about avoiding occassions of sin to limit your availability of the opportunity to commit this sin. In all likelihood you’ll still sneakily find ways to commit the sin, but the dual behavior of making choices to keep yourself from the sin would be counted as imperfect contrition and would be valid for confession. In effect you would be choosing to go at war with the sinful tendencies in your heart. There will be a duplicity in you. We all have this. If we didn’t, we’d all be completely sinless. As I told my husband, if you’re not a hypocrite in some areas of your life, than in all liklihood your moral standards aren’t high enough. We are sinners and recognizing what is sinful means recognizing that we have sinful hearts, are obsessively attached to our sins. Removing the sin in our lives is not easy. At times its like trying to give yourself your own root canal without novicane.