Confessing Pre-Marital Sex/Birth Control

[iloveangels]

My fiance and I live together and will be married in September. I am a new Catholic (baptized/confirmed 1 year ago) and one of the major problems I’ve had is understanding the Church’s teaching against pre-marital sex and condom use. I support and understand the birth control issue for Plan B/etc. where a fertilized egg is being blocked/destroyed, but I cannot get on board yet with condoms/pre-marital sex in general being sinful.

That being said, I know the Church teaching. I know that pre-marital sex is a sin, that using condoms is a sin, etc. So here is my question…I engage in both of these acts that the Church teaches as being sinful, yet I struggle with agreeing with the teaching (therefore I continue to engage in the acts). I cannot confess these sins because it would be an empty confession if I do not plan on changing my actions yet. I say yet because if through prayer and meditation I do come to understand and follow this teaching then I will change it. However, this means that I should NOT be receiving Communion at Church, correct? Even though I disagree with the teaching I do understand that according to the Church I am in a state of sin and should not receive Communion. I just wanted to verify that my line of thinking is consistent because I’m not sure on whether to confess these sins if I don’t plan on changing them, or whether I should be receiving Communion at all during the next 8 months if we continue having pre-marital sex.

Thank you for any advice, does anyone else struggle with this one teaching?

Okay, you have a big problem here. My advice is:
a) Make an appointment with the priest and tell him exactly what you’ve typed here. Don’t just walk into the confessional.
b) Make concrete plans to live separately until September, like rent another place to live or have your girlfriend go live with a girlfriend or her family or something like that. Once you’ve done that, THEN go to confession. You shouldn’t get into the Holy Communion line til you’ve done this. (I hope your girlfriend understands all this or you may have a bigger problem with marrying her.)
c) Continue to be chaste as you prepare for your marriage, which after all is a sacrament too and for which you should be in a state of grace.

This will solve the problem, although yes, it is some work. And yet, being married is work too. It’s a grown up thing that requires some discipline and reliability and hard work.

 

[agapewolf]

This is the second post on this thread I have seen that implies that one must be in a state of grace to be sacramentally married. That is absolutely wrong. Here is the quote from Fr John Hardon’s catechism:

therealpresence.org/archives/Marriage/Marriage_001.htm

So not only is a marriage valid and sacramental; they will start receiving the graces from that sacrament as soon as they enter a state of grace after the marriage.

It is most absolutely NOT wrong. No one should attempt to receive a sacrament when not in the state of grace (Except of course, the sacraments intended to remove such a state).

Your quote does not conflict with this.

 

[iloveangels]

It is most absolutely NOT wrong. No one should attempt to receive a sacrament when not in the state of grace (Except of course, the sacraments intended to remove such a state).

Your quote does not conflict with this.

If you are catholic, and it looks like your post indicates that you are, you absolutely should not receive a sacrament in a state of sin. You’re going to have to deal with this in some way. You can’t just ignore it and expect nothing to happen.

 

[WesternBlot]

Okay, you have a big problem here. My advice is:
a) Make an appointment with the priest and tell him exactly what you’ve typed here. Don’t just walk into the confessional.
b) Make concrete plans to live separately until September, like rent another place to live or have your girlfriend go live with a girlfriend or her family or something like that. Once you’ve done that, THEN go to confession. You shouldn’t get into the Holy Communion line til you’ve done this. (I hope your girlfriend understands all this or you may have a bigger problem with marrying her.)
c) Continue to be chaste as you prepare for your marriage, which after all is a sacrament too and for which you should be in a state of grace.

This will solve the problem, although yes, it is some work. And yet, being married is work too. It’s a grown up thing that requires some discipline and reliability and hard work.

This is unrealistic for us, but thank you for the advice. My first step is to see my priest, but we really can’t live apart until our wedding financially.

 

[LayingHands]

My fiance and I live together and will be married in September. I am a new Catholic (baptized/confirmed 1 year ago) and one of the major problems I’ve had is understanding the Church’s teaching against pre-marital sex and condom use. I support and understand the birth control issue for Plan B/etc. where a fertilized egg is being blocked/destroyed, but I cannot get on board yet with condoms/pre-marital sex in general being sinful.

That being said, I know the Church teaching. I know that pre-marital sex is a sin, that using condoms is a sin, etc. So here is my question…I engage in both of these acts that the Church teaches as being sinful, yet I struggle with agreeing with the teaching (therefore I continue to engage in the acts). I cannot confess these sins because it would be an empty confession if I do not plan on changing my actions yet. I say yet because if through prayer and meditation I do come to understand and follow this teaching then I will change it. However, this means that I should NOT be receiving Communion at Church, correct? Even though I disagree with the teaching I do understand that according to the Church I am in a state of sin and should not receive Communion. I just wanted to verify that my line of thinking is consistent because I’m not sure on whether to confess these sins if I don’t plan on changing them, or whether I should be receiving Communion at all during the next 8 months if we continue having pre-marital sex.

Thank you for any advice, does anyone else struggle with this one teaching?

I know how difficult this is…surely even the Priests have shown, through history, how hard this issue and that of celibacy must be…my mother had 10 children living by this system.

Two of my sisters did not survive, and the 8 of us that did were raised on food rations, and second hand clothes, our whole lives…until we were old enough to work, and help support the household.

My father as the only provider, worked very hard his whole life, up with the sun and to bed late. My mother, did the same with raising all of us, and passed at 59.

The CC says to be fruitful and multiply, but, then it doesnt advise how to financially, physchologically or emotionally take care of a very large brood, once they are here…

I like you used forms of birth control, gels, foams, condoms, etc. I had two children and for us, even two children were difficult to raise fully, as we desired…I wish I had been in a position to provide them with a college education.

Today, my oldest daughter is 31 and just getting her AA this summer…note she had to do it on her own…GOD bless you.

 

[iloveangels]

This is unrealistic for us, but thank you for the advice. My first step is to see my priest, but we really can’t live apart until our wedding financially.

I don’t know why it’s unrealistic. You’re not married yet and so you have two households.

You have to choose what you want more, a sacramental marriage or this convenience.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

This is unrealistic for us, but thank you for the advice. My first step is to see my priest, but we really can’t live apart until our wedding financially.

I would doubt that’s true. You can find a roommate on Craigslist, stay with family, stay with friends, etc. There’s always a way, and of course, there’s always an excuse too.

And if you guys really “can’t” live apart, then you must live as brother and sister.

I really don’t know what you expected to be told here.

 

[iloveangels]

This is unrealistic for us, but thank you for the advice. My first step is to see my priest, but we really can’t live apart until our wedding financially.

Agree with Blue-Eyed Lady. I really don’t know what you expected us to tell you except what the Church teaches. Maybe you’re looking for an excuse?

 

[WesternBlot]

Let me try and explain, we rent a townhouse together, with a lease. Breaking a lease contract, finding new housing, etc. is financially impossible for us. I wasn’t expecting to be told anything about this, as I did not bring it up, I was just responding to their advice.

 

[WesternBlot]

Agree with Blue-Eyed Lady. I really don’t know what you expected us to tell you except what the Church teaches. Maybe you’re looking for an excuse?

I’m not looking for an excuse (as I keep repeating), I asked a question, I got an answer (seek my priest, do not receive Communion or Confess yet).

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Let me try and explain, we rent a townhouse together, with a lease. Breaking a lease contract, finding new housing, etc. is financially impossible for us. I wasn’t expecting to be told anything about this, as I did not bring it up, I was just responding to their advice.

If you value your faith above all else, then you’ll fight to follow it. If you value it just after sex, well that’s your choice. But just know that your marriage won’t be sacramental.

 

[WesternBlot]

I’m not sure how much better I can explain it. I do not value my faith less than sex, you are simply trying to be argumentative at this point as far as I can tell.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Not necessary. Catholics believe that the church speaks with the authority of Jesus.

Not bad, BlueEyedLady! Hang around longer and we may just convert you after all!



kidding. sort of…

 

[agapewolf]

If you are catholic, and it looks like your post indicates that you are, you absolutely should not receive a sacrament in a state of sin. You’re going to have to deal with this in some way. You can’t just ignore it and expect nothing to happen.

I’m assuming you quoted me to reiterate what I said, and not actually address me?

 

[iloveangels]

Let me try and explain, we rent a townhouse together, with a lease. Breaking a lease contract, finding new housing, etc. is financially impossible for us. I wasn’t expecting to be told anything about this, as I did not bring it up, I was just responding to their advice.

Hello, WesternBlot. You started the thread.

 

[kozlosap]

Humanae vitae isn’t by John Paul.

You’ve also are equating 2 different things here. I can tell you today that I believe 100% in the Catholic teachings. I don’t even have to know what they are to know I believe in them. That doesn’t make me perfect, but I have full confidence in the church that Jesus Christ established in being free from error in teaching about faith and morals.

This does not mean I don’t sin. Nor do I believe I’m perfect. But I do have 100% belief in church teaching.

I also don’t know how someone can say their conscience is clear when their conscience isn’t in line with the church that Jesus founded.

So your asserting that without the rules of the Church you wouldn’t have a well formed conscience? I hope you really don’t believe that. Natural law surely plays into our well formed consciences, as does history. Also remember that when (in the mid 60’s), contraception was studied by a council formed by the Holy Father, the recommendation was that contraception become an accepted practice. Pope Paul VI (gee, I got that one right!), made the decision to keep with the historical practice of a ban on contraception. The people that believed the earth was round should all have been thrown out of the church if we are to follow your commandment that we must “believe” in every single word whether it be social teachings or theological teachings that the Church adheres to. I’m so happy that there are people who do not struggle with certain rules, I’m just not one of them. I wish I could check my brain at the door of my parish church and take my box of crayons and go right in, but I can’t and that’s one reason why I love the Church so much - there’s even room for the likes of me. Please don’t discourage new Catholics or those considering joining the Body of Christ by making them feel unwelcome and not true Catholics if they don’t believe exactly as you think we should all believe. Grad school ethics and theology should be a class everyone has the opportunity to take - it truly helped me to love the Church more than I ever did.

 

[iloveangels]

I’m not sure how much better I can explain it. I do not value my faith less than sex, you are simply trying to be argumentative at this point as far as I can tell.

You started the thread. You asked for advice. If you don’t want advice, you shouldn’t have asked for it.

And if you don’t want to know what the Church actually teaches, then don’t listen to it, but don’t pretend you care about what it says then.

 

[WesternBlot]

@iloveangels, I was referring to the remarks made about our living situation, which was not part of my OP. I understand that I asked for advice, and I have received quite a bit which I’m thankful for.

 

[iloveangels]

@iloveangels, I was referring to the remarks made about our living situation, which was not part of my OP. I understand that I asked for advice, and I have received quite a bit which I’m thankful for.

Oh please. Your living situation was the half of the problem. And you know it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you, and I know I am new but I converted for many reasons, I do love the Church and I believe it is the one Church Christ founded. I am struggling with this one issue but I believe through prayer I will come to abide by this law. I can’t just “make” myself agree with it, therefore I can’t confess the sin…I think I’m just very conflicted.

My fiancée is not Catholic, but very supportive of my faith. She has already told me that if I need to, she’s fine waiting for sex until marriage.

I think you are used to the satisfaction and bonding of sex, and not conflicted at all. You want to keep enjoying the pleasure.

You see, sex is meant to bond a husband and wife. You are bonding as if you were already married. So of course you see nothing wrong with it, in your own mind you want a reason and a justification, so you say you are “conflicted.” Thus, you can keep doing what gives you pleasure.

Your girlfriend says she will honor the Church’s teaching. She will, as a non-Catholic. You won’t, as a Catholic. What does that say about you?

Some of us have struggled with Church teachings, but until we can understand them, we surrender our will to that of Jesus. This is His Church, 100%, and His Church teaches that we are not to have premarital sex nor use artificial means to keep from conceiving. That’s a hard lesson, Jesus taught many of those hard lessons, as his apostles told him. It goes against everything our current society embraces. But until the 1960’s, we were not out of step with society at all, we were well within the mainstream.

The Church is not wrong on this. I hope you will go and see your priest and be able to correct your situation very soon. As well, I hope you can repent and make a good confession and receive the Holy Eucharist. It would strengthen you for the future.