Confession for shy child

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aebadillo

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Hi all,

I’m new here, but desperately hoping for help with an issue we are having with our daughter. She is 8 1/2 and made her first confession and first Communion in the spring. We had to really push her to do first confession, and now she absolutely refuses (tearfully and angrily) to go again. I’m not even sure that she said anything to the priest the first time she went… We believe strongly that it is important for her to learn to go and establish a good habit of regular confession, but don’t want to scar her by forcing the issue.

The problem seems to be not wanting to talk to the priest alone. She is painfully shy, though perfectly social once she warms up and knows a person well. I feel like she might be willing to go if a parent could go in with her but I’m not sure that is allowed. Help! Suggestions would be most appreciated.
 
I can’t imagine it’s okay for a parent to be in the confessional with her.

Does she know the priest well and trust him? Maybe she’d be more comfortable if she warmed up to him outside the confessional first. Maybe have him over for dinner or something?

I wouldn’t stress it too much yet. I can’t imagine an 8 1/2 year old has a ton of mortal sins to confess anyway.
 
What about using an examination of conscience form (the Laudate app has one for children)? Would having a “cheat sheet” help ease some of the nervousness?
 
We don’t have a close relationship with any of the priests we know, but certainly could try to get one of them to come for dinner . Not sure if that would help a lot or not. I know she likely only has venial sins, but I don’t want her to set up a mental block about it either - she has that sort of personality, and is adamant that she is never going to go again.
 
aebadillo said:
We don’t have a close relationship with any of the priests we know, but certainly could try to get one of them to come for dinner . Not sure if that would help a lot or not. I know she likely only has venial sins, but I don’t want her to set up a mental block about it either - she has that sort of personality, and is adamant that she is never going to go again.
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I mean, 8 year olds are adamant about a lot of things…until they change their minds completely. 🙂 I do think you’re right not to pressure her too hard, or you really will turn her off to the sacrament forever by making it a completely traumatic experience.

But yeah, FWIW, my two cents would be try to cultivate a close relationship with one of the priests. Maybe she’ll feel more comfortable if it’s an adult she feels like she knows and trusts.
 
Is there a way she could go to the confession alone, but still with a parent “within sight” such as just outside a windowed door?

Last night, there was a parish penance service where many priests came to help hear the many confessions people wanted to make before the holiday, and they just had priests sitting in the pews talking one-on-one with each person. I saw several children making a confession to the priest in the pew, but with their parents in sight a few pews away, keeping an eye on them and ready to gather the children back up and leave when the confessions were done. Maybe some arrangement like that would work?
 
she did have a cheat sheet and write out what to say for first confession, but that didn’t really help. We homeschool, and so she has been able to get away with still being soooo shy with strangers, because I am most always with her. She does go into her Catechesis of the Good Shepherd class by herself, goes to neighbors’ houses in her own, etc, but apparently going into confessional alone and talking to somewhat unfamiliar priest is overwhelming. I’m just surprised that more people don’t have this problem with their kids - I know she isn’t the only really shy kid on the planet!
 
I was a shy child too. I think the reason I wasn’t so afraid of confession was because I knew the priest as I was apart of a small parish and also surrounded by people around my age I knew well. As a class we would go to confession (so there was no backing out) so that made it easier too. Do they do that in her cathechism class?

Teaching her on the importance of confession is also a good idea. Remind her of what Jesus said to St. Faustina,

“Write, speak of My mercy. Tell souls where they are to look for solace, that is, in the Tribunal of Mercy [the Sacrament of Reconciliation]. There the greatest miracles take place [and] are incessantly repeated. To avail oneself of this miracle, it is not necessary to go on a great pilgrimage, or to carry out some external ceremony; it suffices to come with faith to the feet of My representative and to reveal to Him one’s misery, and the miracle of Divine Mercy will be fully demonstrated. Were souls like a decaying corpse so that from a human standpoint there would be no [hope of] restoration and everything would already be lost, it is not so with God. The miracle of Divine Mercy restores that soul in full.”

A Saint (I can’t remember who) has also spoken of what a soul looks like in a state of grace. She likened it to the beauty of a white lily, the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.
 
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A parent absolutely cannot go into Confession with her, so that’s outta the question.

But c’mon now, shes not even 9 years old.

If she doesn’t want to go, you should just drop the subject for a year or so then try again.

I have a very hard time believing that most 8.5 year old children are even capable of committing mortal sin.

You honestly think she has FULL knowledge, and is DELIBERATELY consenting to GRAVELY evil acts? At 8.5 years old?!
 
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Well, in all honesty, my son goes to Catholic school; so, I haven’t had to guide my 8 year old into the Confessional. They have certain days that the kids know it’s the day and I haven’t really pushed him about whether he goes or not.
 
@Tis_Bearself, as always, made a great point.

You could ask the Priest to hear her confession in the pew, and you could just sit half a dozen rows down and block your ears with your hands.

Then she could keep her eyes on mama the whole time while confessing.
 
As someone who suffers from severe social anxiety, I would say that this sound much bigger than mere shyness. I would make sure that you try to address her emotional needs by talking about how she feels. I would not force confession on her during this time as childhood sins would be venial anyway. You need to deal with her psychological needs right now.

Try to figure out what happened during her first confession. Did something bad happen? Did she get scolded for her sins? From there, you can try to problem solve the issue together.

When I was a child, I often froze in the confessional and could no longer remember my sins. I coped by memorizing my sins but eventually started writing them down so I could read them as it was much and is still much for me to recall them once in the confessional. I also was only comfortable going to confession with a particular priest. He kept things quite simple: name the sin, how often you did it, say the act of contrition, and usually the penance was three our fathers and three hail marys. When I went to confession with priests who gave me penance like “Try to do some good deeds toward your brother” I’d get anxious that I’d forget them. And I was told that my confession wouldn’t be valid if I didn’t do my penance. For that reason, complex penances I couldn’t do immediately terrified me.

It was only in my adult years when I moved that I took steps to get comfortable with face to face confession and confessing to different priests.

Since the crying and anger seem to me to be expressions of great terror (even I wasn’t that extreme), my advice is to be very sensitive. In private, talk to her and try to guide her to identifying her needs and what she’d need to do to make it easier. Dont’ rush her and don’t force her to ignore her feelings.

If these sorts of fits are common overall, or a simple talk is ending in tears and anxiety, I’d advice therapy. See what a therapist recommends, either individual or family or both. But this wouldn’t need to be about confession specificually but just about her anxiety.
 
We had this issue with my oldest. Here is what my priest advised us to tell our child. First, tell her how HAPPY the priest was to see the people who come to Confession. Second, see if she will go to Confession and confess just one sin. Also, we always do a “party” after Confession (ice cream or cupcakes, etc.). My very anxious, shy child goes once per year. Does she get nervous? Yes. Is it her favorite thing? No, but she always makes it through. Also, ask other parents about priests that are especially good with children’s confessions. Many priests will guide the kids through the process and that can alleviate much of the performance anxiety.
 
I don’t know if this would be available where you are but in my location during Advent and Easter there are services with many priests offering confession in various locations around the Church. If she doesn’t like the room, and it’s available this may be an option that she would be comfortable witih.
 
Thanks all for the helpful replies.

Where we primarily go to church does have a confessional with a glassed wall. I did ask her whether my standing just outside would help, but she didn’t feel it would. I’ll ask about the penance service, confession in the open situation, too.

Her Atrium class really has taught her the importance of confession, they talk about needing to stay connected to the True Vine and remove any blocks to God’s love. As a child I would have been scared of confession too (I converted at 15, and was scared then! ) but would have been motivated to push through that fear by a knowledge of the importance of the sacrament. That doesn’t seem the case for her… I think the fear of going is a lot more real and present in her mind than any abstract thought of divine graces.

@Spyridon - no, of course I don’t think she is in mortal sin! I just think it is good to have the practice of going regularly established long before the odds of being in mortal sin increase. I don’t want her to go years without going, because if you aren’t going because you are scared, you may not just naturally overcome that fear with time. She is a kid who, when she pushes through her fear of things, does great on the other side. We have seen this with her before but I don’t want to push too hard on this particular issue.

We have certainly considered counseling as an option, though again I think she’d have trouble really opening up to a counselor, at least in the beginning. She is warm and open with family and friends, she just exhibits some anxiety about social situations where she needs to talk to a stranger, especially an adult one. It isn’t specific to confession, she hasn’t wanted to do a variety of lesson type things where we would drop her off or be in another part of the building. The crying and anger is part of her general reaction to anything she doesn’t like - she cries easily over things. Today she cried when I said no to her request to watch tv on Christmas morning. She cries when I tell her no candy at the store. Her emotional regulation has been slow to develop, although better than it was at 4 or 5.

@ kei - that, while maybe a flippant response m, could actually work. She is pretty reward driven.

Anyway, I think my plan at the moment will be not to force the issue in the short term, but sit her down, try to emphasize both how important confession is, and how important that we don’t allow fear to stop us from doing good things. I will try to help her make a plan for baby steps towards the goal of going. Things like inviting a priest for dinner, maybe meeting with him regularly with a parent present just to chat, spending time in the confessional alone to be comfortable in the space, etc. If that doesn’t work, then perhaps she would benefit from some professional help. I do think it is really important, if nothing else, for her to learn that fears are surmountable.
 
I told my adult Catholic friends there is no reason to delay or withhold confession because God already knows everything we have done, good and bad. All he wants is for us to confess it to him through our priest. Also, it is probably important to know your priest, especially if you are shy!
 
I was also a really shy kid, but I grew up trad, so my first confession was in an old school confessional, you know the type where you basically walk into a closet with a kneeler and tell your sins to a screen, you couldn’t even see the priest. I don’t know the confession set up at your church, but she may be willing to try it if the priest never sees her.

I know there’s no way I could have done a face to face confession when I was that age, and would have probably refused to go as well if that was my only option.
 
Call the Priest and explain your concerns and ask for his advice.

But know that a parent cannot enter the confessional with their child

Pray much and have a GRACE filled Christmas

Please Do call Father

God Bless you
Partick
 
OK this is unusual. But no child should be forced into a potentially traumatic situation. My advice is: establish that there is a real psychological fear here by getting professional advice; report that advice to the priest and I have no doubt that something can be organised to address the problem. We evolved (sorry creationists) to be frightened of strangers three times our size in confined spaces. Makes absolute sense that a child would have trouble overcoming this. This advice is from someone who isn’t exactly in line with Church practices with children, sin and confession, but you are and I hope my suggestion helps protects your child from well-meaning interventions that might cause harm.
 
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