Confession for shy child

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aebadillo said:
I get that it is private, this is an unusual situation in that my daughter actually wants a parent to come in with her. She isn’t worried about us hearing her confession (and obviously, we’d never punish her - we’d actually try not to pay attention!) Until we find a better solution though, I’m planning to try to meet with a priest of her choosing regularly with her, and hope she gets comfortable enough to go to confession with him eventually. I sat her down, and talked over her fears (she said she is so afraid she could die of going), and let her know we would never force her, and that we can take baby steps to helping her get there, and reassured her that she eventually will feel comfortable. She seemed relieved/encouraged by this.
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I have been following this thread and I read where your child was scared of dying by going into the confessional.

I think it would be advisable to seek professional counseling. Confession is hard, confession is scary, confession is uncomfortable at best. But it should not evoke fear of death just by sitting there.
 
I think my daughter was being descriptive, i.e. “it feels so scary that I
could die of the fear” not that she in any way thinks she would die from
going. She was saying she is super afraid of it (and doesn’t maybe have a
lot of experience doing scary things). I can relate to the idea of feeling
so scared at something that I worry I might pass out from the fear so it
doesn’t seem 100% off base…
 
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aebadillo said:
I think my daughter was being descriptive, i.e. “it feels so scary that I
could die of the fear” not that she in any way thinks she would die from
going. She was saying she is super afraid of it (and doesn’t maybe have a
lot of experience doing scary things). I can relate to the idea of feeling
so scared at something that I worry I might pass out from the fear so it
doesn’t seem 100% off base…
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That type of fear is not healthy. Not for either of you.
 
Man parents are really nice these days. My dad would’ve offered me choice between going to Confession or being spanked and then going to Confession.
 
ChunkMonk said:
Man parents are really nice these days. My dad would’ve offered me choice between going to Confession or being spanked and then going to Confession.
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🤨

Uhh yeah. There’s a reason corporal punishment is frowned upon in many cases. That’s totally unacceptable parental behavior.
 
Maybe it would be for other people, and there were times when it probably wasn’t helpful for me… But it did teach me pretty early that the world wasn’t going to bend over backward for my problems. Which has been an invaluable help to me throughout life. (For example, I am a very shy person myself, but that has never had any major effect on my life because I learned from a very, very young age to ignore my shyness and pretend I’m not shy.)

Anyway, the OP knows her kid best. If forcing her to make a concession won’t be helpful she shouldn’t do it. I’m just always surprised at how much different my childhood was than others.
 
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ChunkMonk said:
Maybe it would be for other people, and there were times when it probably wasn’t helpful for me… But it did teach me pretty early that the world wasn’t going to bend over backward for my problems. Which has been an invaluable help to me throughout life. (For example, I am a very shy person myself, but that has never had any major effect on my life because I learned from a very, very young age to ignore my shyness and pretend I’m not shy.)

Anyway, the OP knows her kid best. If forcing her to make a concession won’t be helpful she shouldn’t do it. I’m just always surprised at how much different my childhood was than others.
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There’s a huge parenting gap between “bending over backward” and hitting your child because they refuse to receive a sacrament out of fear.

There are MANY better ways to do things.

I’m not 100% against hitting a child. I would rather have my toddler be afraid of getting a slap from me than running in the road. However, outside of life and death situations, there’s not really any need for, or excuse for, corporal punishment.

Certainly, by the age of 8/9 a child is FAR too old to be hit for what is not even sinful non-compliance. I mean if a 16yo is afraid of driving are you going to spank them until they take the test?
 
I don’t think corporal punishment is only useful for life and death situations, but I really don’t want to drag this thread off-topic. If the OP doesn’t want to force her kid to go to Confession then that’s her choice. A choice made with far greater information than any of us possess.
 
A lot of good advice.

If I could add my own opinion, my advice would simply be … take your daughter with you when you go to confession. Let her witness your involvement in the sacrament and do not force the issue, perhaps not even mention any intention of her going to confession. Something like, “I’m going to confession, want you to just tag along, that’s it”

Even if it solves the problem or not, it is demonstrating a participation on your part and that it would be okay, on the perspective, for your daughter to participate in.

Simple example, I like certain cereals and drinks and foods … since my daughters (7 & 8) see me eat and drink these things, they always want to do what daddy does … can you imagine a 7 and 8 year old girl eating cesar salad? No way! Yet, they ask for it because they know daddy eats it too.

No direct correlation other than children look up to parents’ good examples and want to do the same because they know it’s good, even if they don’t really enjoy it.
 
You’ve already got some good advice. I just wanted to chime in because my daughter is just a few years older than yours and she is also generally shy and reticent about trying new things. For us, it helps a great deal to give her plenty of advanced notice regarding Confession. Saying, “We’re going to Confession right now, put on your shoes,” does not work well. 😝 It works much better if we let her know that we are going to Confession this coming Saturday and would like her to go, too.

It is often a balancing act between trying not to traumatize and encouraging her to face her fears. I think it’s good that you want to establish a good habit now even though it wouldn’t be strictly necessary for her to go to Confession. But at her young age, there is still time for her to grow into it and get more comfortable with it. I don’t think I’d wait a year to circle back to it, but you can maybe try bringing it up every month or so.
 
One of my daughters is very much as you describe your daughter. She is shy and suffers from social anxiety, but she is generally normal in development. It was once so bad that she hid under a pew to avoid going to confession. We talked a lot about what was causing her anxiety. I helped her examine her conscience and encouraged her to write down a list to make it easy for her. It was very slow going. We are in a very small Parish and our priest knows her very well. In the Byzantine Rite, we only do face-to-face confessions. I also suffer from mild social anxiety and find that it is easier for me to go to confession face-to-face with a priest that knows me well. I always assumed that it would be the same for her. Finally, after talking to her one day, I realized that the situation was not the same for her and she much preferred confession to a priest that she doesn’t know and behind the screen. I have a standing offer to take any of my kids to any parish or Confessor that they prefer if they wish to go to confession. She prefers the FSSP parish, so I make sure that she has the opportunity to go there. I don’t push my daughter, but I do periodically talk to my children about going to confession. My daughter gets very resistant if she perceives that I’m pushing her. I’ve also found that she does better if she has a friend who is also going to confession at the same time. It is getting better, but this anxiety remains a significant struggle in her life.
 
I believe that she must get closer with her Guardian angel. There are all sorts of facts and assurances, and if she succeeds, a guardian angel bracelet or anklet with a pendant (blessed of course) sounds reasonable to me
 
I know this is a bit late to the party, but something to consider: does she fully understand that nothing she says in the confessional will be brought up or discussed afterwards unless she chooses to? Has she ever had her trust about something important broken by an adult?

The reason I ask is this: when I was a kid, I was brought to confession every few months. I was told that no matter what, the priest wouldn’t tell anyone what I told him. So far, so good. However, I a) was terrified that the priest would know who I was, and would think badly of me for my sins, and b) didn’t trust him at all not to immediately tell my parents what I’d done, even though none of it was particularly bad as such things go. Why? Because a lot of adults in my life had lied to me over the years, or tricked me to get me to do something they wanted me to do. Throw in the fact that these priests were all good friends of my parents, who were among those adults who’d lied to me, and why would I trust them? I was also painfully shy, much like your daughter (homeschooling didn’t do me any favors in that regard), and so the process of walking up to a friend of my parents’ and telling him all the bad things I’d done (some of which my parents didn’t know about) was a terrifying prospect, to say the least.
 
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