Confession - Had awful experience today

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meddy

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Today I went to confession for the second time in my life (it has been over 20 years.) I was told I could not have absolution for any of my sins since I was married outside the Catholic church because I am living in sin. I felt so foolish and ashamed. So, if I had confessed prior to my marriage, I would have been granted absolution? But, now I can not. My husband is not Catholic and will not go through a Catholic ceremony. I guess I am excommunicated from the church forever then and will never be forgiven. I am so so embarassed and feel so stupid. I am definitely not looking forward to this Easter weekend.
 
I’m sorry things went so bad for you. You don’t have to feel stupid. I’m sure it was hard to come back after so long.

Just so you know, you can be given absolution as long as you abstain from sexual relations until your marriage situation can be worked out.

Try talking to a priest and explain your situation.

You’re not even excommunicated, but it’s true that you won’t be able to receive Communion until you can go to confession and then live chastely afterwards.
 
There’s no need to feel embarrased, and you can certainly be forgiven. What you need to do is talk to a priest (it doesn’t have to be the one to whom you confessed) about having you marriage recognized in the Church. You need not go through a Catholic ceremony, but I believe that you will need to recite your vows in front of a priest or deacon. Once your marriage has been recognized you will be free to go to confession.

It is important that you refrain from Communion and sexual relations with your spouse until this process is completed (which may even be motivation for him to comply peacefully). Until then, make a resolution in your heart to do your best to sin no more and to go to confession as soon as you are able. Pray to God for guidance and strength during this time. A priest will be better able to explain the process to you. I think that you’ll find that most will be compassionate and more than willing to help. Take care.
 
meddy said:
Today I went to confession for the second time in my life (it has been over 20 years.) I was told I could not have absolution for any of my sins since I was married outside the Catholic church because I am living in sin. I felt so foolish and ashamed. So, if I had confessed prior to my marriage, I would have been granted absolution? But, now I can not. My husband is not Catholic and will not go through a Catholic ceremony. I guess I am excommunicated from the church forever then and will never be forgiven. I am so so embarassed and feel so stupid. I am definitely not looking forward to this Easter weekend.
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Firstly - applause for wanting to come back to the Sacrament of Confession. I’m sure God will reward you even for making the effort, since so many don’t.

Secondly - your situation is different to what you imagine, for a number of reasons. Firstly if you’d confessed prior to your marriage or not, the marriage outside the church was a fresh sin and would have barred you anyway.

Secondly (the good news) in regard to your marriage it sounds like you should have been given a lot more information than you have been.

If your husband won’t agree to be married in a Church then you should look into an option called radical sanation to sacramentalise your marriage. This doesn’t really require participation by your husband at all, and certainly no ceremony on his part.

If you were or are prepared to forego intimate relations with your husband and live with him as brother and sister, at least for the relatively short time (talking at most a few months) that it takes to look into and receive a radical sanation, you could receive absolution.

Get in touch with the local Bishop’s office to find out more about these things. God bless, don’t lose hope. You’re in my prayers.
 
meddy said:
Today I went to confession for the second time in my life (it has been over 20 years.) I was told I could not have absolution for any of my sins since I was married outside the Catholic church because I am living in sin. I felt so foolish and ashamed.
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The reason you cannot receive absolution is because your current marriage situation is itself a sin and you can’t be absolved for it as long as you continue living in the marriage (unless you live as brother and sister)
meddy said:
So, if I had confessed prior to my marriage, I would have been granted absolution?
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You could have been absolved for those sins, but that does not take care of the situation regarding your marriage-- which is a current sin and the real problem here.
meddy said:
But, now I can not. My husband is not Catholic and will not go through a Catholic ceremony.
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You should make an appointment to talk to your priest outside the confessional because there are steps that can be taken to have your marriage regularized that do not require you husband to go through a Catholic ceremony. It’s called radical sanation.

I’m sorry the priest didn’t tell you this, but the confessional is not the time or place to discuss a detailed, complex situation such as yours.
meddy said:
I guess I am excommunicated from the church forever then and will never be forgiven.
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This isn’t true, meddy.

You are not excommunicated. You should refrain from the Eucharist until the situation is resolved but you can still go to Mass and you are still a member of the Body of Christ.

You can be forgiven in the confessional after your marriage situation is taken care of.
meddy said:
I am so so embarassed and feel so stupid. I am definitely not looking forward to this Easter weekend.
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Don’t be embarrassed. You didn’t know. I am not sure of the “why” of all your circumstances of being married outside the church but you shoul definitely discuss fixing the problem with your priest-- outside the confessional. Make an appointment to visit in his office.

It’s like going to the doctor and telling him of all your aches and pains, and having to wear that awful hospital gown that doesn’t sufficiently cover all the embarrassing parts… how else can he diagnose, treat, and cure you?

And, as for being embarrassed, the confessional is private so no one knows of this. There is no reason to be embarrassed or dread Mass on Sunday.
 
Fuerza said:
There’s no need to feel embarrased, and you can certainly be forgiven. What you need to do is talk to a priest (it doesn’t have to be the one to whom you confessed) about having you marriage recognized in the Church. You need not go through a Catholic ceremony, but I believe that you will need to recite your vows in front of a priest or deacon. Once your marriage has been recognized you will be free to go to confession.

It is important that you refrain from Communion and sexual relations with your spouse until this process is completed (which may even be motivation for him to comply peacefully). Until then, make a resolution in your heart to do your best to sin no more and to go to confession as soon as you are able. Pray to God for guidance and strength during this time. A priest will be better able to explain the process to you. I think that you’ll find that most will be compassionate and more than willing to help. Take care.
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You don’t have to wait to go to confession.

If you go to confession and then abstain from sexual relations, you will be in good standing with the Church again and able to receive Communion.
 
meddy said:
Today I went to confession for the second time in my life (it has been over 20 years.) I was told I could not have absolution for any of my sins since I was married outside the Catholic church because I am living in sin. I felt so foolish and ashamed. So, if I had confessed prior to my marriage, I would have been granted absolution? But, now I can not. My husband is not Catholic and will not go through a Catholic ceremony. I guess I am excommunicated from the church forever then and will never be forgiven. I am so so embarassed and feel so stupid. I am definitely not looking forward to this Easter weekend.
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Hi Meddy, don’t be embarrassed. It happens all the time. This happened to me. I never knew I had to get a dispensation to marry a non-Catholic or to only marry civilly. No one in my family had ever married outside the faith, (except for my little brother who married a month before me), so no one told me or even knew what I had to do. Not even the priest told me when I confessed before getting married (he probably thought I already had a dispensation). Because of this I had to find out the same way you did, I went to confession and the priest told me I wasn’t absolved :eek:. I felt horrible, but it was because I didn’t know…

If your husband will not go through a Catholic ceremony, the last resort is a radical sanation as LilyM said. I recently did this so I could finally be a part of the Eucharist and be well in the eyes of God. Speak to a priest and ask what your options are. Have you tried talking to your husband about a convalidation? It can be a very private ceremony (just the 2 of you, 2 witnesses and the priest), maybe if he refuses, you can ask your priest about sending in a petition for a radical sanation.

Don’t worry about it so much, I thought mine wouldn’t be granted because I married an ex-Catholic now JW, but the Church granted it and now I’m married validly and in fact, this past Sunday was the first time in over a year that I was able to confess and receive the Eucharist.

Send me a PM if you want to speak to me privately. Just know that you are NOT excommunicated, you just need to go through a process to make your marriage valid. Unless you want to live as brother and sister so you can confess and receive the Eucharist.

You are in my prayers.
 
Thank you all for your comments. I am just so upset and embarrased at myself for even going. I wish I had just remained ignorant to the whole thing. Now my husband is very upset. He has been trying to be supportive of my being Catholic, but now he is defintiely not. This just feels like the worst day of my life. I couldn’t have even imagined this. I am the first person in my family to be marry a non-catholic, so I guess I just never knew. I am just questioning if I was ever even meant to be a Catholic. I’ve taken my rosaries and medals and placed them aside for now. I just can’t take it upon myself to figure out what to do and am so confused. I hope you all don’t hate me, and thank you all for your advice. I think I just need time to figure this all out.
 
No one here hates you - we are so glad to hear that you are taking this seriously enough to even consider making things right.

Take some time today to just pray and get over the embarrassment part, you will feel better after some time has passed. Then do as has been suggested above, make an appointment with a priest to discuss the legal issues that need to be resolved.

You can do this - you CAN return to the sacraments!!! Just be patient and let the Church help you through the processes to make it right.

~Liza
 
Same thing happened to me, my wife and I were married by a rent a pastor guy when we were not in the Church.

Eventually coming back to the Church I found out that we were living in sin. I knew it in my heart but pride kept me from really changing my life until I really tried to seek what is God’s will for me.

I went to confession, we had to live as brother and sister for a little bit, as we got married shortly afterward and had our kids baptized.

Since it was acceptable in our non-catholic church to live the way we did we didn’t feel we were really doing anything wrong, and it hurt our sensibilities. It particularly got my wife mad, and it took some prayer and time before we really came back to the Church.

God Bless
Scylla
 
meddy said:
Today I went to confession for the second time in my life (it has been over 20 years.) I was told I could not have absolution for any of my sins since I was married outside the Catholic church because I am living in sin. I felt so foolish and ashamed. So, if I had confessed prior to my marriage, I would have been granted absolution? But, now I can not. My husband is not Catholic and will not go through a Catholic ceremony. I guess I am excommunicated from the church forever then and will never be forgiven. I am so so embarassed and feel so stupid. I am definitely not looking forward to this Easter weekend.
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make an appointment with the priest right after Easter, lay out the entire situation regarding your marriage, and follow your priest’s direction. There are options for you.
 
same happened to me…you can do it…we lived in continence for over a year until our marriage was validated and my previous anhulled. After you staighten things out, you can receive sacraments. you’ll be better off for it, trust me…as for your feelings and pride…oh well it has to go anyway!

peace
 
meddy said:
Thank you all for your comments. I am just so upset and embarrased at myself for even going. I wish I had just remained ignorant to the whole thing. Now my husband is very upset. He has been trying to be supportive of my being Catholic, but now he is defintiely not. This just feels like the worst day of my life. I couldn’t have even imagined this. I am the first person in my family to be marry a non-catholic, so I guess I just never knew. I am just questioning if I was ever even meant to be a Catholic. I’ve taken my rosaries and medals and placed them aside for now. I just can’t take it upon myself to figure out what to do and am so confused. I hope you all don’t hate me, and thank you all for your advice. I think I just need time to figure this all out.
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Consider looking at it this way: We are all involved in a spiritual war, whether we realize it or not. The Holy Spirit led you back to the Confessional, in order to help you rectify this situation. The Enemy doesn’t want any of us to benefit from Grace, and now, seeing that you’re on the right path, he’s going to throw his big guns at you- Pride and Confusion. He’s going to do everything he can to keep you from embracing the Grace that God will pour on you to help you through this. He’s going to try and keep you embarrassed (a form of pride), and confused. He’s going to try and make your husband angry, and put all sorts of snarls in your path. He’s even going to try and ruin the most holy day of the entire year for you. See how he tries to turn everything to his advantage?

If you see this as it is- a battle for your soul- it might help you move past the hurt and embarrassment, and seek out a priest who will clear up the confusion. We’re in a war, and the Enemy doesn’t play fair.

You’re in my prayers,
Cari
 
God bless you!

Easy for me to say, but DON’T BE ASHAMED!

I had to have my marriage Convalidated in the Church and it took all of five minutes and a couple of witnesses.

Read this article: Bringing Your Marriage Into the Catholic Church

As far as problems go, this one definitely not as big as it seems to you right now. Have your husband read the article over with you.

My husband and I lived as brother and sister for a while so that I could celebrate the Sacraments prior to our Convalidation ceremony.

Peace be with you and keep us updated!

Kelly
 
Meddy, I know you’re hurting and feeling much grief, but please don’t put your rosary aside. Ask Mary to help you stay loyal to Christ in this trying time!

Its so important to involve your Priest in any marriage or life decisions you want to make, because your soul is involved in anything you do. He is your spiritual father. I’m surprised your family didn’t tell you that its a mortal sin to marry someone that’s outside the Church.

But as the others said, there are legal alternatives. Convalidation. Radical Sanation. Who knows, if you keep loyal to the Church and pray very fervently for your husband, he may end up -wanting- to come into the Church. It sometimes happened for other women that were married to a non-Catholic, and I vaguely remember a woman that’s a saint that had a non-Catholic husband. She became a nun after his death.

None of us hate you. We’re just as surprised and in shock as you are. We will grieve with you and cry with you. Are we not all the Body and Bride of Christ? You will be in my prayers very extensively and I give you a comforting hug.

Please keep in touch with us, especially with updates. Try not to despair. 🙂
 
seremina said:
I’m surprised your family didn’t tell you that its a mortal sin to marry someone that’s outside the Church.

It’s not a mortal sin to marry someone that’s outside the Church, but it is one for a Catholic to get married outside of it.
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What is the difference? Its still a marriage outside the Catholic Church. :whacky: Dizzies is no fun when trying to think of something straight that seems circular?
 
seremina said:
What is the difference? Its still a marriage outside the Catholic Church. :whacky: Dizzies is no fun when trying to think of something straight that seems circular?
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A Catholic is bound to follow the Catholic form of marriage unless this is dispensed from by someone with the authority to do so (e.g., the bishop). A Catholic may marry a non-Catholic or even a non-Christian only with a dispensation.

A Catholic cannot be married outside of the Church without permission. By this, I mean, that although the visible actions of a wedding may have taken place, no marriage, in fact, exists.

Of course, sometimes, people may not be aware of these requirements and whatnot, so it may not be a mortal sin, and there is a process the Church has for straightening these situations out.
 
Meddy, you are in my prayers.

I mention this only because it came up locally. A priest from another parish in a local suburb said directly from the ambo during a homily that **he **did not believe in the entire tribunal system for marriage, and would not help anybody through the decree of nullity process, nor would he convalidate marriages. Yes, I do know it really happened.

His bishop is dealing with him. Besides being just plain wrong, this priest upset the wrong people (and contributions in a **very generous **parish took a nose dive for two weeks).

If you do not feel as if the priest who heard your confession is giving you sufficient information, or is not being helpful to your situation, GO TO ANOTHER PRIEST. If you have no other priest in the area, GO TO THE BISHOP AND TELL HIM WHAT YOU HAVE TOLD US. Do all this AFTER Easter.
 
No one has yet mentioned Good Friday tomorrow – so let me just add a bit that this is the very moment to connect your pain, suffering and embarassment to Christ. Imagine how He who was all purity felt being stripped naked in front of those who hated Him so much, and in front of those who loved Him and were pained for Him. And how unjustly He was judged. Meddy, even if you wait until after Easter to speak to a priest, please don’t stay away from church and prayer especially tomorrow. And in front of the Tenth Station especially. Christ will truly give you the graces and blessings you need if you bring it all to Him, and unite to His suffering. That he called you at such a special time of year is a wonderful sign. Hold on to your faith even tighter right now. God bless you.
 
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