Confession went very badly!

[Brooklyn]

Imagine if you had gone to Padre St Pio, St John Vianney, or St John Bosco! You would have come out with gray hair! Or no hair!

1. Firstly, I think you should relax, do your penance, and avoid the near occasion of sin.
2. Secondly, the priest told you the truth (albeit in harsh fashion).
3. Thirdly, you have a common problem. You are not alone – especially in this culture.
4. Fourthly, if you fail in relation to this sin – go back to Confession.

I do this all the time – over analyze everything. There could be 100 reasons why this priest who so “hard” on you.

1. You may have been the 20th person that day who confessed the same thing and his patience was wearing thin.
2. He may not have understood how contrite you were and wanted you to understand your sins gravity.
3. He may have thought this is new to you wanted to stop it from becoming a truly addictive habit.
4. He may have just had a bad day.
5. God wanted to tell you something.

Excellent advice in each of these posts. The priest was very harsh on you, but you are involved in a sin that could lead to eternal damnation. It is terrible adiction, just like that of any drug, and the priest was right to tell you to get help. I once heard advice from someone who said that if you look at porn on the computer, keep a picture of your family right there. Also, anytime you feel tempted, pray to St. Joseph for the courage and strength you need to fight this addiction.

I admire you for being so honest. I think it shows you really want to overcome this. One thing I would add, though, is that you cannot use the excuse of not having enough sex with your wife. As I said, pray to St. Joseph, who never consummated his marriage and yet was the perfect husband and father.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

I think that there is a lot of good advice that’s been provided by the responders above. Your post has made me think about all the dialogue that goes…Well what about people that have never heard about Christ, what about all the people that … whorship other gods/attend such and such church, don’t believe etc. The reality is that a Catholic that dies in a state of mortal sin fairs no better and likely suffers more torment in hell than a non believer. It sorta makes me want to be a member of a protestant church where its all fun and games and they know for 100% that heaven is guaranteed since they had an moment where they made a decision to accept Christ, plus they have drums on the altar.

Is ignorance bliss?

 

[Brooklyn]

I think that there is a lot of good advice that’s been provided by the responders above. Your post has made me think about all the dialogue that goes…Well what about people that have never heard about Christ, what about all the people that … whorship other gods/attend such and such church, don’t believe etc. The reality is that a Catholic that dies in a state of mortal sin fairs no better and likely suffers more torment in hell than a non believer. It sorta makes me want to be a member of a protestant church where its all fun and games and they know for 100% that heaven is guaranteed since they had an moment where they made a decision to accept Christ, plus they have drums on the altar.

Is ignorance bliss?

If you want to discuss this, I would suggest starting a new thread.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

If you want to discuss this, I would suggest starting a new thread.

Nope, don’t want to discuss it. It’s just a retorical question that I felt was responsive to the OP’s quandry.

 

[feed_me]

Shoot, I wish I had priests like that here. But I do agree that he should have given you some advice while giving you tough love. Not condem you and not help you.

Porn addiction is a bad addiction. When we have that addiction, or any addiction, our brains are hardwired to feed that addiction, and keep doing that addiction. When we kick it cold turkey we still have our brains hardwired to that addiction still, and it makes it very easy for us to go right back to what we are addicted to. The reason behind it is that when we kick it cold turkey, our brains aren’t use to the total freedom from that addiction, and want to go right back to that comfort zone of addiction. Like the saying goes, what goes up, must come down. Let me put it like this.

When we play a video game, we are use to a certain control layout, and we hit those buttons naturally, and our brains are hardwired to hit those buttons, because we know this button we hit will do this, We know what buttons to hit to make the character to this and this, and we do it naturally, like an addiction, we are use to it. When we change up that control scheme and put commands on different buttons, and we play that game, our brains are already use to that previous layout so when we go to hit that button to do this command, we don’t get that result because the control layout has changed, and we get a different action then what our brains are use to, Every time we hit that button we get a different result, but the more we play on the new control layout our brains reprogram to get use to the new layout so that becomes natural, but along the way the brain will shoot off pulses to tell the finger to hit the button on the old layout so that you will think that you will get this result in the game, when you wont. When the brain gets fully use to the new layout, that old layout imprint will die off in the nerves, There will still be a few spikes here and there, but your brain gets use to the new layout and the old layout becomes the thing of the past. Same with addiction. The brains not use to freedom.

My only advise is that we have to get that brain reproprogramed to become use to that total freedom. Put your wedding ring in front of the computer everytime you use it so that the ring is right in your face, Pray to God before you use the computer, if you see a sinfull image, turn off the computer, look at the ring and Pray to God to help you through. Go to your wife, and tell her that you need help. Focus your sexual addiction to your wife, and God. Just my advise, at the very least.

 

[po18guy]

Shoot, I wish I had priests like that here. But I do agree that he should have given you some advice while giving you tough love. Not condem you and not help you.

If the priest was condemning, he would have held the sins bound. He did not - it appears that he absolved them. As to porn, it is not psychologically and physically addicting as are heroin or crack cocaine. Yet, like those drugs, it is something that we do not encounter naturally. We must decide to seek it out. Conversely, we must also decide to avoid it, just as we promise Christ during the act of contrition. That is an act of the human will.

Now, as to the priest, in 1-2 minutes, he is not going to solve a problem that has been festering for years. He is not going to dissolve a bond with sin that has been solidified by rationalization. The sacrament is to restore the penitent to grace before God. The penitent must realize that the devil waits outside of the confessional, and accompanies him or her away from the Tabernacle and back into the uncontrolled environment of the world.

What the priest does, aside from absolving the soul of the confessed sins, is plants a seed of repentance. We are charged with the responsibility to ask God to give the increase from the planting of the seed. That is not up to others, but up to us. Our parish priest asks us to “renew in your heart sorrow for your sins” This is not an empty phrase, but a standard to live by - a daily goal.

 

[feed_me]

If the priest was condemning, he would have held the sins bound. He did not - it appears that he absolved them. As to porn, it is not psychologically and physically addicting as are heroin or crack cocaine. Yet, like those drugs, it is something that we do not encounter naturally. We must decide to seek it out. Conversely, we must also decide to avoid it, just as we promise Christ during the act of contrition. That is an act of the human will.

Now, as to the priest, in 1-2 minutes, he is not going to solve a problem that has been festering for years. He is not going to dissolve a bond with sin that has been solidified by rationalization. The sacrament is to restore the penitent to grace before God. The penitent must realize that the devil waits outside of the confessional, and accompanies him or her away from the Tabernacle and back into the uncontrolled environment of the world.

What the priest does, aside from absolving the soul of the confessed sins, is plants a seed of repentance. We are charged with the responsibility to ask God to give the increase from the planting of the seed. That is not up to others, but up to us. Our parish priest asks us to “renew in your heart sorrow for your sins” This is not an empty phrase, but a standard to live by - a daily goal.

That is very very true, it’s just that I don’t like when people who tell you not to do it, but leave you guessing at how to fix it.

Now the thing with addictions, is that if the mind isn’t use to the freedom from it, then it will return back to what it is comfortable with, making it alot easier to commit the same act again. The only way to really get the mind free from the addiction is to stay away from the computer, so that the mind has time to heal.

Forgive me if I said anything wrong.

 

[po18guy]

That is very very true, it’s just that I don’t like when people who tell you not to do it, but leave you guessing at how to fix it.

Now the thing with addictions, is that if the mind isn’t use to the freedom from it, then it will return back to what it is comfortable with, making it alot easier to commit the same act again. The only way to really get the mind free from the addiction is to stay away from the computer, so that the mind has time to heal.

Forgive me if I said anything wrong.

We often try to use the Sacrament for the purpose of spiritual direction, which is not its primary function. We need to speak with the Priest outside of the confessional for more in-depth advice. In the confessional, we hear the “what” It is outside of the confessional that we must seek the “how”

 

[feed_me]

I do agree with what you are saying, but you are in a personal space, and its the best time to ask for the how so when you leave you know what to do, instead of just walking out and returning back to the same temptation without knowing where to find help for it.

 

[po18guy]

I do agree with what you are saying, but you are in a personal space, and its the best time to ask for the how so when you leave you know what to do, instead of just walking out and returning back to the same temptation without knowing where to find help for it.

Well, the Sacrament is not normally used for spiritual direction since others are usually waiting to confess. How about just asking Father for a quick appointment?

 

[dfp42]

I always try to remember every time no matter how hard the devil tries to tell me I’m nothing, that God still loves me. He never comes to accuse. Keep your head up please and don’t be discouraged.

 

[Padraig1972]

Take this as a good learning experience, be thankful to God, help your wife as best as possible and grow on this as i think one sometimes needs to be corrected, even yelled at.

God always wants the best for us, but do we see it? And when He talks, do we listen?
So smile, carry on and carry your cross with joy.

 

[feed_me]

Well, the Sacrament is not normally used for spiritual direction since others are usually waiting to confess. How about just asking Father for a quick appointment?

Very true, I for about that, Thank you.

 

[po18guy]

Very true, I for about that, Thank you.

What I notice is that, often as not, the person before me is apparently confessing having caused world war II or some such.

 

[friendlymomma]

It sounds like I am not alone in thinking that your confession didn’t go so badly after all.

Porn destroys families. It has nearly destroyed my little family. By God’s grace it won’t.

Here is a highly recommended new Catholic resource to help those who are struggling with sexual sins:

www.reclaimsexualhealth.com

“RECLAIM Sexual Health is a professional and science-based Catholic online program designed to help individuals overcome unhealthy sexual behaviors. Combining The Brain Science of Change and insights from Theology of the Body, RECLAIM is a powerful tool for more joy and happiness in life!”

May God bless you and your family.

 

[feed_me]

What I notice is that, often as not, the person before me is apparently confessing having caused world war II or some such.

Patients is a virtue my son. :console:

Friendlymoma… I hope that is online, cause I or anybody else don’t feel like traveling thousands of miles to see a sex therapist. Not in this economy.

 

[po18guy]

Patients is a virtue my son. :console:

Friendlymoma… I hope that is online, cause I or anybody else don’t feel like traveling thousands of miles to see a sex therapist. Not in this economy.

The only problem with patience is that you have to wait for it!

 

[PatrickSanDiego]

I was really really hurt by this experience and I couldn’t almost sleep. I also said everything to my wife (including the porn stuff that she was not aware of) and she tried to be supportive (she is practicing catholic too) saying that he was crazy and I was totally fine, not to worry about it, etc etc. But the priest’s words were stuck in my mind.

For sure after this lesson I’ll try 120% to get rid of porn so maybe it has been helpful anyway, but I am also very confused and I’d like to know other people thoughts!

I don’t know you as a person whalker, but I can give you some very true and tested, hardheaded, down and real, super-truthful, totally practical advice:

Wake up one morning, put your rosary around your neck or carry your wall crucifix, tucking it under your arm when needed, and delete every porn file you have. Every single fake image of a woman you do not know, but oogle at her picture. No matter how good looking she is, -->Delete it. At first you will howl with the loss of all those pictures, but over time, if you stay away from porn, you will get so healthy. You will be able to relate to women so much better, be attracted to regular femininity, make better eye contact, and will have a clearer, less guilty mind. It is priceless.

But more importantly, you will realize how much those pictures hurt you more than anybody. The female in those pictures? She got paid a couple hundred, put her clothes on, and walked away. And you? There you are still oogling at her electronic shadow. It’s a money-driven exploition of your natural attraction to female beauty. It’s like making a hungry man look at pictures of food. It’s like making a lonely man look at pictures of friends. It’s like making a homeless man look at a picture of a big warm house.

Be angry at what the porn industry does to exploit your biology, and the way it exploits a woman needing money to pay bills, or trying to fill an insecure upbringing.

Once you realize that, you heal real, real fast.

 

[CMatt25]

Actually, I wrote that in order to offer insight into the confessor’s firmness.

I know about its pervasiveness because priests have told me as much. In addition, the bishop of my last diocese has spoken and written extensively on the issue.

Priests have told you “sins of pornography and masturbation are some of the most commonly confessed”? I thought priests are never allowed to reveal what has been told them in Confessions.

 

[zab]

I am a father of two, happily married, my children are small and for this reason the opportunity of being with my wife are very limited. Anyway I don’t want to find justification for what I did, because it happened to me to use pornography and masturbation on a weekly basis in the past months. I am really striving to heal myself and get rid of these sins, starting from the pornography which I really hate, but occasionally I find myself miserably falling back in the sin. As background information, I was rasied catholic in a very catholic family, I go to Mass every Sunday and I pray on a daily basis knowing that my misery can be saved only by God’s grace. Obviously the super easy access that unfortunately we have to this material makes this sin even more terrible!

Going to back to my story, yesterday I decided to go to confession at a Church that is next to my office and I never used before for this sacrament because it’s not my normal parish. When I told the priest what I did, his reaction cought me off guard. He was really tough on me, he asked me if I had died today if I would consider myself worthy of salvation and I said that I couldn’t answer to that question, but I certanily hoped on God’s Mercy. He said these words: “Mercy is now, but when you die there is no Mercy, only Justice. If you cannot assolve yourself your sentence is already written. It’s a question of time. It’s a question of time (twice)”. At this point I was quite terrified and he added that I had to seek help in some organization to help me get rid of my addiction if I wanted to save my soul. I said something like “I am trying to change!” and he said “Then change, but there are people that are Christians and other that say to be Christian, if people that do things like this are saved, God would be unfair to other people that do not do these things”. So the bottom line is that I was already condemned!

I was shocked, really didn’t know what to say or do, I just wanted to leave as quickly as possible, but I didn’t move.
Finally he said a few prayers and he told me to say 3 Our Father and 3 Hail Mary, but I believe he did not give the absolution. I was very sad therefore my mind might be not clear, but I am almost sure that he did not absolve me.

I was really really hurt by this experience and I couldn’t almost sleep. I also said everything to my wife (including the porn stuff that she was not aware of) and she tried to be supportive (she is practicing catholic too) saying that he was crazy and I was totally fine, not to worry about it, etc etc. But the priest’s words were stuck in my mind.

For sure after this lesson I’ll try 120% to get rid of porn so maybe it has been helpful anyway, but I am also very confused and I’d like to know other people thoughts!

It is not easy to make a good confession especially when you must confess embarrassing sins. “Well, first of all, let’s thank God for the good confession”. These words from a confessor have always brought such comfort to me no matter how great or small my sins have been. It is like the embrace of the father towards the prodigal son who finally comes home. I have had good and bad experiences in the confessional. Some priests are just not good confessors. My advice to you is - do your best to make a good confession- take time to properly prepare by invoking the aid of the Holy Spirit to enlighten you and the Sorrowful Mother to help you to know what to say. Keep in mind that you are confessing your sins to Jesus through the priest. Listen, to what God may be saying to you through the imperfect person of the confessor. And if you have a bad experience when you know that you have done your best to prepare and managed to get the courage to go to confession, the offer it up in reparation for your sins and say a prayer for the priest.