Confirmation for Child with Autism?

[Galnextdoor]

I know that we receive grace through sacraments. I have a son who received the sacraments of Communion and Reconciliation. He receives Communion on a regular basis. I used to take him to Confession, but the priest said he didn’t think my son was capable of committing a mortal sin. He said that he didn’t think my son had knowledge of forethought or the ability to determine whether something was a grave matter. He knows that something is right or wrong, but can’t determine whether something is serious or not. He also is eager to please and will do whatever he is told to do. The priest said there was no point to take my son to confession. He receives Communion every Sunday and gets upset if he can’t receive Jesus.

He is of the age to receive Confirmation. He refuses or maybe he can’t make decisions for himself. He usually wants someone to make even the simplest decisions for him. Confirmation is about choosing to re-affirm the vows taken in Baptism, receiving the Holy Spirit, and becoming an adult Catholic for Christ.

If he is Confirmed, it will be something that I chose for him. I don’t think it would be anything that he would understand.

We pray together every evening and he functions on the level of an 8 year old.

The priest said it was up to me to decide whether he would get Confirmed or not.

What would you do? He will never be independent. He will always need someone to take care of him. His IQ is 64.
What would be the benefits of having him Confirmed if he doesn’t really understand its purpose?

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

What would be the benefits of having him Confirmed if he doesn’t really understand its purpose?

I would say that many, perhaps even most, people don’t understand its purpose. People have the idea that confirmation is some kind of “coming of age” ceremony that renders people as adults in the Church.

A few comments:

Confirmation is a sacrament of initiation. If your son has received two of the sacraments of initiation, why not allow him to receive the third as well?

Even infants can be confirmed. This is standard practice among Eastern Catholics, and can be done among Latin Catholics in danger of death. There is no requirement for understanding the sacrament, only receiving it.

The Catechism (1285) says: It must be explained to the faithful that the reception of the sacrament of Confirmation is necessary for the completion of baptismal grace. Does your son not need grace?

Again from the Catechism (1302): It is evident from its celebration that the effect of the sacrament of Confirmation is the special outpouring of the Holy Spirit as once granted to the apostles on the day of Pentecost. Does your son have no need of the Holy Spirit?

Personally, I see no reason why he wouldn’t be confirmed if it is possible.

 

[pianistclare]

I would say that many, perhaps even most, people don’t understand its purpose. People have the idea that confirmation is some kind of “coming of age” ceremony that renders people as adults in the Church.

A few comments:

Confirmation is a sacrament of initiation. If your son has received two of the sacraments of initiation, why not allow him to receive the third as well?

Even infants can be confirmed. This is standard practice among Eastern Catholics, and can be done among Latin Catholics in danger of death. There is no requirement for understanding the sacrament, only receiving it.

The Catechism (1285) says: It must be explained to the faithful that the reception of the sacrament of Confirmation is necessary for the completion of baptismal grace. Does your son not need grace?

THIS^^^^.
Let him be confirmed.
Peace.
Again from the Catechism (1302): It is evident from its celebration that the effect of the sacrament of Confirmation is the special outpouring of the Holy Spirit as once granted to the apostles on the day of Pentecost. Does your son have no need of the Holy Spirit?

Personally, I see no reason why he wouldn’t be confirmed if it is possible.

 

[Cider]

From the CCC

1285 Baptism, the Eucharist, and the sacrament of Confirmation together constitute the “sacraments of Christian initiation,” whose unity must be safeguarded. It must be explained to the faithful that the reception of the sacrament of Confirmation is necessary for the completion of baptismal grace.88 For "by the sacrament of Confirmation, [the baptized] are more perfectly bound to the Church and are enriched with a special strength of the Holy Spirit.

1302 It is evident from its celebration that the effect of the sacrament of Confirmation is the full outpouring of the Holy Spirit as once granted to the apostles on the day of Pentecost.

1303 From this fact, Confirmation brings an increase and deepening of baptismal grace:

• it roots us more deeply in the divine filiation which makes us cry, “Abba! Father!”;115
• it unites us more firmly to Christ;
• it increases the gifts of the Holy Spirit in us;
• it renders our bond with the Church more perfect;116
• it gives us a special strength of the Holy Spirit to spread and defend the faith by word and action as true witnesses of Christ, to confess the name of Christ boldly, and never to be ashamed of the Cross:117

1306 Every baptized person not yet confirmed can and should receive the sacrament of Confirmation.121 Since Baptism, Confirmation, and Eucharist form a unity, it follows that "the faithful are obliged to receive this sacrament at the appropriate time,"122 for without Confirmation and Eucharist, Baptism is certainly valid and efficacious, but Christian initiation remains incomplete.

1314 If a Christian is in danger of death, any priest should give him Confirmation.132 Indeed the Church desires that none of her children, even the youngest, should depart this world without having been perfected by the Holy Spirit with the gift of Christ’s fullness.

I would get him confirmed. If we still followed the oldest tradition of the Church he would already have been confirmed in infancy or whenever he was baptized.

 

[mountee]

The Holy Spirit can enrich the life of any human being in ways that many of us would not understand. I understand your concerns but I woild allow your son to be confirmed. Throughout his life the Holy Spirit will guide him forward and while it may not be in a way that someone without his disability would be guided, he will still recieve the grace that his specific life needs.

 

[paduard]

I know that we receive grace through sacraments. I have a son who received the sacraments of Communion and Reconciliation. He receives Communion on a regular basis. I used to take him to Confession, but the priest said he didn’t think my son was capable of committing a mortal sin. He said that he didn’t think my son had knowledge of forethought or the ability to determine whether something was a grave matter. He knows that something is right or wrong, but can’t determine whether something is serious or not. He also is eager to please and will do whatever he is told to do. The priest said there was no point to take my son to confession. He receives Communion every Sunday and gets upset if he can’t receive Jesus.

He is of the age to receive Confirmation. He refuses or maybe he can’t make decisions for himself. He usually wants someone to make even the simplest decisions for him. Confirmation is about choosing to re-affirm the vows taken in Baptism, receiving the Holy Spirit, and becoming an adult Catholic for Christ.

If he is Confirmed, it will be something that I chose for him. I don’t think it would be anything that he would understand.

We pray together every evening and he functions on the level of an 8 year old.

The priest said it was up to me to decide whether he would get Confirmed or not.

What would you do? He will never be independent. He will always need someone to take care of him. His IQ is 64.
What would be the benefits of having him Confirmed if he doesn’t really understand its purpose?

Personally I think the priest was correct in saying that it was up to you to decide.
paduard

 

[coachdennis]

I would say that many, perhaps even most, people don’t understand its purpose. People have the idea that confirmation is some kind of “coming of age” ceremony that renders people as adults in the Church.

A few comments:

Confirmation is a sacrament of initiation. If your son has received two of the sacraments of initiation, why not allow him to receive the third as well?

Even infants can be confirmed. This is standard practice among Eastern Catholics, and can be done among Latin Catholics in danger of death. There is no requirement for understanding the sacrament, only receiving it.

The Catechism (1285) says: It must be explained to the faithful that the reception of the sacrament of Confirmation is necessary for the completion of baptismal grace. Does your son not need grace?

Again from the Catechism (1302): It is evident from its celebration that the effect of the sacrament of Confirmation is the special outpouring of the Holy Spirit as once granted to the apostles on the day of Pentecost. Does your son have no need of the Holy Spirit?

Personally, I see no reason why he wouldn’t be confirmed if it is possible.

This!

 

[1ke]

Confirmation is about choosing to re-affirm the vows taken in Baptism, receiving the Holy Spirit, and becoming an adult Catholic for Christ.

Confirmation is about receiving grace and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. It is not about becoming an adult Catholic.

If he is Confirmed, it will be something that I chose for him. I don’t think it would be anything that he would understand.

That is perfectly fine.

What would you do?

I would have him confirmed as soon as possible.

What would be the benefits of having him Confirmed if he doesn’t really understand its purpose?

He will receive additional graces, complete his sacraments of initiation, and be sealed with the gifts of the Holy Spirit. These are things ALL Catholic should receive.

 

[St_Francis]

I know you didn’t ask about this, but if your son is capable of, say, disobeying you or a well-known rule of your house like not eating cookies without permission, then I would re-consider Confession and an evening examination of conscience and Act of Contrition, simply because Confessing even just our venial sins grants us additional grace, and if he is at all capable of just minimal evaluation of his actions, you want to encourage that, esp as he grows older. Being careful, of course, to do this in a context of God’s great love for us and His great mercy.

(I agree with those who recommend Confirming If for some it is done in infancy, then there is no problem about your son’s abilities, and receiving more graces is always good!)

 

[dreamer29]

If it were me I would continue on with the sacrament. I would do all in my power for my kids.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Confirmation is about receiving grace and the gifts of the Holy Spirit. It is not about becoming an adult Catholic.

That is perfectly fine.

I would have him confirmed as soon as possible.

He will receive additional graces, complete his sacraments of initiation, and be sealed with the gifts of the Holy Spirit. These are things ALL Catholic should receive.

When I said an adult Catholic for Christ, I meant something like a Christian warrior. Someone who would have a relationship with Christ that they would defend all of their life.

I don’t know that he will ever be capable of that. I have tried to talk about the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but he is very concrete. I don’t know that he can understand them. The teachers said he would have to know and understand these before he could be confirmed. I have talked with the priest, but he basically told me to do what I think is best.

I also worry because when I have taken him to CCD classes in different parishes, the other kids have made fun of him and called him names. The classes for Confirmation at the parish where I am now are very formal and involve a lot of higher level thinking skills. I tried to teach him on my own, but I was never notified about anything. I tried to talk to the head of the PSR, but she was vague about dates. Somebody was supposed to get back to me but they didn’t. I didn’t find out about the actual Confirmation date until the week before. The kids had all practiced and they were required to wear a suit and tie. I didn’t have the money for a suit and tie and because he has Autism he has to practice things over and over before he is comfortable doing them. So he did not get Confirmed.

I am not sure what to do. I wish it was possible to do a private confirmation for him.

Would you have any ideas about how I should approach this if I were to try it again?

 

[pianistclare]

When I said an adult Catholic for Christ, I meant something like a Christian warrior. Someone who would have a relationship with Christ that they would defend all of their life.

I don’t know that he will ever be capable of that. I have tried to talk about the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but he is very concrete. I don’t know that he can understand them. The teachers said he would have to know and understand these before he could be confirmed. I have talked with the priest, but he basically told me to do what I think is best.

I also worry because when I have taken him to CCD classes in different parishes, the other kids have made fun of him and called him names. The classes for Confirmation at the parish where I am now are very formal and involve a lot of higher level thinking skills. I tried to teach him on my own, but I was never notified about anything. I tried to talk to the head of the PSR, but she was vague about dates. Somebody was supposed to get back to me but they didn’t. I didn’t find out about the actual Confirmation date until the week before. The kids had all practiced and they were required to wear a suit and tie. I didn’t have the money for a suit and tie and because he has Autism he has to practice things over and over before he is comfortable doing them. So he did not get Confirmed.

I am not sure what to do. I wish it was possible to do a private confirmation for him.

Would you have any ideas about how I should approach this if I were to try it again?

Just call the priest. Tell him you’d like him confirmed.
If he’s willing to do it, you son need not sit through classes. He’ll just have to attend the Mass, which presumably, you are taking him to anyway.
He can go first in line if you think he won’t tolerate much more than that.
It’s not going to be difficult with a compassionate priest helping you, which, it sounds like he is.
My best friend had worries about her daughter receiving First Holy Communion. See worried that her daughter’s frequent outbursts would be bad. The teacher explained to the class in advance that Tina would be joining them, that no one was to make fun of her, and that she was a special child of God. Everyone minded themselves very well, and were proud of Tina. She made her First Communion on Mother’s day, and the entire congregation was delighted for the family. Give your pastor and your congregation a chance to be charitable, you’ll be surprised how kind a loving parish can be.
Best wishes.

 

[Galnextdoor]

I know you didn’t ask about this, but if your son is capable of, say, disobeying you or a well-known rule of your house like not eating cookies without permission, then I would re-consider Confession and an evening examination of conscience and Act of Contrition, simply because Confessing even just our venial sins grants us additional grace, and if he is at all capable of just minimal evaluation of his actions, you want to encourage that, esp as he grows older. Being careful, of course, to do this in a context of God’s great love for us and His great mercy.

(I agree with those who recommend Confirming If for some it is done in infancy, then there is no problem about your son’s abilities, and receiving more graces is always good!)

I saw him disobey one time. When I explained that he had disobeyed and that was against the fourth commandment, he teared up and apologized over and over again. He is under adult supervision at all times. It is difficult for him to communicate. One time when he was fourteen he told me a lie. I told him that he lied and he told me that he only told a fib. I told him that a fib and a lie were the same thing. He teared up and apologized. He said he didn’t mean to tell a lie. He asked me if God still loved him. I told him God will always love him, but we need to tell God we are sorry when we make mistakes. That is what confession is for. Other than those two times no one has ever heard or seen him do anything wrong.
His Special Ed teachers have told me that they wish all their students were like him. He is quiet, well-mannered, gentle, and tries to do what he is told to do. He never complains, and never asks for anything even when it comes to Christmas. He picks up after himself. He is very compliant and prefers to have decisions made for him. The only time I ever have trouble with him is when I make him eat. He doesn’t like to eat.
Some times when I ask him to eat he says, “No thank you, I’ve already done that today.”
Then I have to tell him he is going to eat or else he can’t use his computer. Since this is part of his Autism thing, I don’t think it is a sin.

 

[Joe_5859]

I also have a son with autism. He’s only 6 now, but I definitely want him to be fully initiated into the Church with Confirmation and Holy Communion as soon as it is feasible.

As others have said, Confirmation is not a “coming of age” sacrament. A lot of Catholics perceive it as such because a lot of people teach it that way, unfortunately. But it is fundamentally about receiving grace. The person doing the “confirming” is the bishop, not the recipient.

I would talk to the priest and explain that you want your son confirmed. Unfortunately, there are some DREs who try to avoid special needs kids because they do not know how to handle them. I can appreciate that as I would feel exactly the same if not for my son. Heck, even with my son, I still feel that way a lot of the time. But they need to work with you and your son. You may need to be “charitably persistent” to encourage them to follow up with you.

God bless you and your son. I will say a prayer for you. Please pray for me, too.

EDIT: My son is the opposite with food. I don’t think he’d ever stop if his plate didn’t become empty. Of course, what he really wants is candy all the time.

 

[pianistclare]

I also have a son with autism. He’s only 6 now, but I definitely want him to be fully initiated into the Church with Confirmation and Holy Communion as soon as it is feasible.

As others have said, Confirmation is not a “coming of age” sacrament. A lot of Catholics perceive it as such because a lot of people teach it that way, unfortunately. But it is fundamentally about receiving grace. The person doing the “confirming” is the bishop, not the recipient.

I would talk to the priest and explain that you want your son confirmed. Unfortunately, there are some DREs who try to avoid special needs kids because they do not know how to handle them. I can appreciate that as I would feel exactly the same if not for my son. Heck, even with my son, I still feel that way a lot of the time. But they need to work with you and your son. You may need to be “charitably persistent” to encourage them to follow up with you.

God bless you and your son. I will say a prayer for you. Please pray for me, too.

As a DRE myself, I have relied on the advice of the Persons with Special Needs Office at the Chancery for methodology and best practices when working with these children. I have found them to be very helpful, even coming out and meeting with myself and the families.
You just have to ask, and someone will be happy to assist you, the pastor , and the DRE.
There’s no reason not to proceed.

 

[Joe_5859]

As a DRE myself, I have relied on the advice of the Persons with Special Needs Office at the Chancery for methodology and best practices when working with these children. I have found them to be very helpful, even coming out and meeting with myself and the families.
You just have to ask, and someone will be happy to assist you, the pastor , and the DRE.
There’s no reason not to proceed.

Right. Of course, my diocese has no special needs office. So it can take longer to find the person who is able to help in some cases. But they are out there. I’m learning to be more persistent and determined in locating such people.

 

[jmcrae]

In the Sacrament of Confirmation, your son will be strengthened in the gifts of Wisdom, Understanding, Knowledge, Right Judgement, Fortitude, Piety, and Awe of the Lord, whether he can explain what these are, or not.

He will also be given a greater share of Charity, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Generosity, Faithfulness, Chastity, Modesty, and Self Control - even if he can’t list them on a test.

In your son’s case, there are provisions for him to be able to receive the Sacrament of Confirmation, even if he is unable to attend classes. I think it would be useful and helpful for him to attend the rehearsal and to be shown the holy oils, so that he knows what to expect, and he should be told that he is going to be receiving these gifts and graces, but I don’t think he needs a whole course of studies.

 

[coachdennis]

When I said an adult Catholic for Christ, I meant something like a Christian warrior. Someone who would have a relationship with Christ that they would defend all of their life.

I don’t know that he will ever be capable of that. I have tried to talk about the gifts of the Holy Spirit, but he is very concrete. I don’t know that he can understand them. The teachers said he would have to know and understand these before he could be confirmed. I have talked with the priest, but he basically told me to do what I think is best.

I also worry because when I have taken him to CCD classes in different parishes, the other kids have made fun of him and called him names. The classes for Confirmation at the parish where I am now are very formal and involve a lot of higher level thinking skills. I tried to teach him on my own, but I was never notified about anything. I tried to talk to the head of the PSR, but she was vague about dates. Somebody was supposed to get back to me but they didn’t. I didn’t find out about the actual Confirmation date until the week before. The kids had all practiced and they were required to wear a suit and tie. I didn’t have the money for a suit and tie and because he has Autism he has to practice things over and over before he is comfortable doing them. So he did not get Confirmed.

I am not sure what to do. I wish it was possible to do a private confirmation for him.

Would you have any ideas about how I should approach this if I were to try it again?

This kind of incompetency just makes my blood boils! Every parish I worked in since the 1970s has had some sort of program/prep for individuals with special needs! The fact that the religious ed leader seems to be blowing you off and Father appears to not have the “know you what” to make a decision is in my eyes a scandal that only gives the impression to anyone on the outside of the church looking in that all of our talk about being pro-life, sanctity of life, respect and dignity of each person is JUST TALK!!!

If your child had been born in a tradition when all three sacraments of initiation are administered as an infant this would be a non-issue. Likewise this should be a non-issue.

If I was you, well actually it’s probably better that I am not you because Father and I would have had a man to man talk already – Seriously, I would make an appointment with Father and say you want your child to be confirmed as soon as possible and ask how can we make this happen with a minimum of crisis for your son and others involved.

 

[pianistclare]

Right. Of course, my diocese has no special needs office. So it can take longer to find the person who is able to help in some cases. But they are out there. I’m learning to be more persistent and determined in locating such people.

Call every single parish near you and speak with the DRE. like you say, there are those people out there, even if they don’t have an office.
All of these resources are great! I’ve used all of them.
Wonderful.
loyolapress.com/special-needs.htm

 

[goneiri]

If your child had been born in a tradition when all three sacraments of initiation are administered as an infant this would be a non-issue. Likewise this should be a non-issue.
.

Quite right.