Conflicted Catholic

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Kal2012 said:
I think that some of what you said has to do more with being a convert, not necessarily being Catholic.

I converted in 2012 and sometimes I still feel like I’m putting on a mask or “trying on” an identity that isn’t completely mine. I think that comes with the territory.

It’s not that I don’t believe, but the lifestyle and culture are different (for serious, practicing Catholics) and there are still some things that I’m working through. However, without a serious community surrounding you, it’s hard to keep growing in the faith.

Questioning doesn’t mean that you are losing faith. It means that you’ve reached a point where you want to go deeper, but you don’t know how to do that.
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Maybe that’s it. During RCIA and after my conversion there was instability at my parish. The priest became sick and was absent for a year before medically retiring from parish life. We had a lot of new faces helping to fill the gaps and people began to leave for other parishes. Even I eventually left to move closer to my wife’s job and I still haven’t found a warm welcoming community to plant some roots and grow.
Kal2012 said:
I really just wanted to say that you aren’t alone. We’ve all got stuff to work through. We don’t leave our old ways (or thought patterns) behind when we join the church. Since I’ve never been an agnostic, I can’t speak to that, but I glad that others on CAF can.

Pray. Find good Catholics to surround yourself with. People can only help if they know there’s a problem.
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Thank you! I will try.
 
iDdraig said:
I wrote something similar to this as a response to a previous thread, but it has been eating at me and I am looking for advice.

In 2013 I chose to become Catholic, but for the last year I have been very conflicted in my dedication to God and to the Church. I spent the majority of my life Agnostic and for me, structured religion seemed to come at a cost of having to conform to beliefs that were not mine and I spent many years being jugged by so-called Christians that looked down upon me for not believing the way they did. However in 2005, I started to feel this calling towards the Church, like a calling to belong to something greater, even though I showed little devotion to following Christ. As more years passed, my wife convinced me to reach out to a local parish and look into RCIA. Even before my conversion, I struggled with both Church teachings and elements in the Bible and although looking back at it, I wasn’t ready to convert to Catholicism.

There are those that say a Catholic must conform to all Church teachings, to accept the Bible as an infallible holy book. For me, the Bible is a collection of stories that tries to explain a particular event, to a particular audience, at a particular time whether divine inspiration was present or not and I have no issues with that, because I believe it serves as a foundation to something greater, something the Church has continued to deliver these past 2000 years. However, I feel that I wear the mask of a Catholic, but I am not a true Catholic, a Christian, a follower of Christ. I don’t praise his name as I should, I don’t love him as I should, I don’t submit to all Church teachings and I don’t like how many Christians, not just Catholics, seem to forget “thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” For me its not whether the Church is right or wrong, it’s a religion, a foundation of beliefs that people can choose to follow or not.

I am not sure what to do and I struggle on whether I should remain with the Church. I try to attend mass, I try to accept even though I know that I may never fully embrace Christianity and I know that I will struggle with this for many years. However, I know in my heart that I would rather be a struggling Catholic than belong to any other Christian denomination. This past year I have began to study Buddhism as a philosophy, a way to help me focus on the present and help eliminate unnecessary distractions that I hope will allow me to one day embrace God and fully accept Him and the Church within my heart and my life. Till then, I feel that I will continue to look out from behind the glass and struggle with the possibility that I, not God, will prevent myself from ever walking inside and truly embracing my right to call myself a Catholic.
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Faith is a gift of the Holy Spirit – the role of reason is to assist divine faith.

Modern Catholic Dictionary**FAITH. **The acceptance of the word of another, trusting that one knows what the other is saying and is honest in telling the truth. The basic motive of all faith is the authority (or right to be believed) of someone who is speaking. This authority is an adequate knowledge of what he or she is talking about, and integrity in not wanting to deceive. It is called divine faith when the one believed is God, and human faith when the persons believed are human beings. (Etym. Latin fides, belief; habit of faith; object of faith.)

THEOLOGICAL VIRTUE. A good habit of the mind or will, supernaturally infused into the soul, whose immediate object is God. The theological virtues are faith, hope, and charity.
 
I’m coming out of hiding to reply b/c your post touches me. I’ve no great words of wisdom, but I could have written your post almost word-for-word, iDdraig… down to the Buddhist philosophies. The only major difference is that I am a fallen away cradle Catholic. I don’t think your feelings are representative of only those who convert. Hugs and peace to you.
 
iDdraig said:
I wrote something similar to this as a response to a previous thread, but it has been eating at me and I am looking for advice.

In 2013 I chose to become Catholic, but for the last year I have been very conflicted in my dedication to God and to the Church. I spent the majority of my life Agnostic and for me, structured religion seemed to come at a cost of having to conform to beliefs that were not mine and I spent many years being jugged by so-called Christians that looked down upon me for not believing the way they did. However in 2005, I started to feel this calling towards the Church, like a calling to belong to something greater, even though I showed little devotion to following Christ. As more years passed, my wife convinced me to reach out to a local parish and look into RCIA. Even before my conversion, I struggled with both Church teachings and elements in the Bible and although looking back at it, I wasn’t ready to convert to Catholicism.

There are those that say a Catholic must conform to all Church teachings, to accept the Bible as an infallible holy book. For me, the Bible is a collection of stories that tries to explain a particular event, to a particular audience, at a particular time whether divine inspiration was present or not and I have no issues with that, because I believe it serves as a foundation to something greater, something the Church has continued to deliver these past 2000 years. However, I feel that I wear the mask of a Catholic, but I am not a true Catholic, a Christian, a follower of Christ. I don’t praise his name as I should, I don’t love him as I should, I don’t submit to all Church teachings and I don’t like how many Christians, not just Catholics, seem to forget “thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” For me its not whether the Church is right or wrong, it’s a religion, a foundation of beliefs that people can choose to follow or not.

I am not sure what to do and I struggle on whether I should remain with the Church. I try to attend mass, I try to accept even though I know that I may never fully embrace Christianity and I know that I will struggle with this for many years. However, I know in my heart that I would rather be a struggling Catholic than belong to any other Christian denomination. This past year I have began to study Buddhism as a philosophy, a way to help me focus on the present and help eliminate unnecessary distractions that I hope will allow me to one day embrace God and fully accept Him and the Church within my heart and my life. Till then, I feel that I will continue to look out from behind the glass and struggle with the possibility that I, not God, will prevent myself from ever walking inside and truly embracing my right to call myself a Catholic.
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I think you have a good heart. I think your struggle is honest. I appreciate an honest struggle. Many people attend church for appearances and feel no real conviction in their hearts. No one is a perfect Catholic overnight or ever. If you are familiar with the bible, even the disciples after witnessing firsthand experiences with Christ’s miracles doubted his resurrection. Doubt is normal. Keep praying. I am sorry for how some of the Christians treated you. I think you are more of a realist and see the world in terms of the material. It is honestly hard to accept all the church’s teachings. Keep praying.
 
I understand how you feel to a degree. I’m 23 now and was raised Catholic. Now that I am older I am making my own choices about my religion and views. I’m happy with who I am and my beliefs even though some may not agree with them. My advice to you is this. If it makes you uncomfortable then take a step back and think then perhaps go back in but take smaller steps so you can see what is going on. If you still do not like it then leave it for the time being.
 
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