Confront the "other woman"

[cmujake]

A friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. The husband has pledged his desire to do whatever is necessary to be with his wife and has said that he is done with the “other woman”. His wife wants the 2 of them to confront her to tell her it is over and that he is staying with his wife. She wants the “other woman” to hear it from the husband in front of the wife. She says that she needs it to start to rebuild trust for her husband.

Has anyone ever done this or heard of this?

 

[Karin]

never had to do this…but I have heard of it…
the wife wants to make sure that her dh is realyl committed to rebuilding their marriage by the sounds of it…she does not trust him or his word at this point that he broke it off.

 

[Blue_Serenity]

A friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. The husband has pledged his desire to do whatever is necessary to be with his wife and has said that he is done with the “other woman”. His wife wants the 2 of them to confront her to tell her it is over and that he is staying with his wife. She wants the “other woman” to hear it from the husband in front of the wife. She says that she needs it to start to rebuild trust for her husband.

Has anyone ever done this or heard of this?

Oh no! The same thing happened to a friend of mine and she wanted NOTHING to do with the other woman. :nope:

 

[masondoggy]

Speaking from experience, this won’t rebuild any trust.

Most “other woman” will play along and say anything to keep “their” man. They don’t care.

It may make her feel better to confront this woman, and she has every right to. BTDT and it does help. But still, it won’t rebuild trust.

The only way to rebuild trust is through the long-term actions of the cheating spouse. It can take a long time to come anywhere close to trust again.

 

[gmarie21]

Speaking from experience, this won’t rebuild any trust.

Most “other woman” will play along and say anything to keep “their” man. They don’t care.

As a former “other woman” let me tell you, if it’s over, his actions will have to prove themselves. When I was the other woman I received a phone call from teh counselors office where he and his wife were at saying that things were over between us. His wife didn’t know that he had called me before AND after to let me know that it was not over, that he just had to do it to appease his wife. Speaking from experience, confrontation by the wife won’t change the situation and may make things worse for the marriage in the long run. Even though it is difficult because of the pain, she should try to find out the reasoning behind the affair and address that. If he were happy he wouldn’t just up and have an affair (mine was b/c his wife wouldn’t have children and criticized his Catholic faith). If they want to save their marriage, not only does he have to be willing to do whatever it takes to build trust but she also has to listen and accomodate his needs too (obviously if they’re within reason). He had an affair b/c he was lacking some trust in her too (that she couldn’t be trusted to listen to and meet his needs as a man, whatever those needs may have been). Even though there’s a third party, their marriage (or lack thereof) is about them, not the “other woman” or the spouse’s job or whatever can ruin a marriage.

 

[Katie1723]

Confronting the “other woman” serves no purpose. If a couple was a “united front” to begin with, the affair wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Place the blame where it lies . You husband made a conscious decision to do what he did.
Work on HIS problem and let the other woman be. She doesn’t deserve your attention.
Kathy

 

[LovedForever]

What a very sad situation. I cannot imagine having to endure the pain of my husband cheating!
To the poster who was the “other woman” once and cited his “reasons” (excuses) for breaking his marriage vows and committing adultery - do you still sympathize with him? Do you think he was somehow justified in cheating on his wife with you? I’m just curious because it kind of came across that way.

I just want to say that there is NEVER a legitimate excuse to cheat on your spouse. Ever.
Fix what is wrong that makes your eye wander - or get out.

There are some incredibly selfish people in this world aren’t there? And the aftermath of that selfishness leaves a wake of incredibly hurting people. Often children.

 

[gmarie21]

What a very sad situation. I cannot imagine having to endure the pain of my husband cheating!
To the poster who was the “other woman” once and cited his “reasons” (excuses) for breaking his marriage vows and committing adultery - do you still sympathize with him? Do you think he was somehow justified in cheating on his wife with you? I’m just curious because it kind of came across that way.

I just want to say that there is NEVER a legitimate excuse to cheat on your spouse. Ever.
Fix what is wrong that makes your eye wander - or get out.

There are some incredibly selfish people in this world aren’t there? And the aftermath of that selfishness leaves a wake of incredibly hurting people. Often children.

I never said that what I did was right. However, as many priests who I have discussed my sin with have told me that the affair wasn’t right but also was a result of something lacking in their marriage that needed to be addressed. I am simply saying that some women and men who are married who are not receiving something that they vitally need from their spouse will look elsewhere to recieve what they need. Many women turn to someone else for the emotional support they are not receiving from their husbands and vice versa. An emotional affair is JUST AS SINFUL as a physical affair. However, because it isn’t as easily defined many who are in emotional affairs are in denial justifying their relationship as “just a friendship” because there isn’t physical involvement. If you read through examination of conscience books/pamphlets, under the “thou shalt not commit adultery” there is a question of “have I kept unnecessary company with someone other than my spouse?” “have I kept unnecessary company with someone else’s spouse?” The word “physical” isn’t in there because keeping company with someone to the detriment of a marriage doesn’t always have to be in the physical sense.

I was also just stating on the reality of an affair and the lies that are told to the spouse. That’s why actions should speak louder. Talking to the other woman will do NOTHING to help the marriage and may hurt the marriage even more because it will help the cheating spouse justify his/her affair even more in his/her mind and keep adding to his/her selfishness.

 

[Orionthehunter]

A friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. The husband has pledged his desire to do whatever is necessary to be with his wife and has said that he is done with the “other woman”. His wife wants the 2 of them to confront her to tell her it is over and that he is staying with his wife. She wants the “other woman” to hear it from the husband in front of the wife. She says that she needs it to start to rebuild trust for her husband.

Has anyone ever done this or heard of this?

Maybe out of ignorance, I don’t understand how this will build trust. Trust is an interior bond that transcends what is done on the exterior. However, I do see how this can be an act of revenge or effort to humiliate the “other woman” which I don’t see as being a positive act to rebuild what the wife must feel- insecurity, betrayal, and anger.

 

[deb1]

Maybe out of ignorance, I don’t understand how this will build trust. Trust is an interior bond that transcends what is done on the exterior. However, I do see how this can be an act of revenge or effort to humiliate the “other woman” which I don’t see as being a positive act to rebuild what the wife must feel- insecurity, betrayal, and anger.

I agree and I don’t think that it will help the wife feel better in the end.

 

[masondoggy]

To the poster who was the “other woman” once and cited his “reasons” (excuses) for breaking his marriage vows and committing adultery - do you still sympathize with him? Do you think he was somehow justified in cheating on his wife with you? I’m just curious because it kind of came across that way.

I just want to say that there is NEVER a legitimate excuse to cheat on your spouse. Ever.
Fix what is wrong that makes your eye wander - or get out.

Agreed.

I never said that what I did was right. However, as many priests who I have discussed my sin with have told me that the affair wasn’t right but also was a result of something lacking in their marriage that needed to be addressed. I am simply saying that some women and men who are married who are not receiving something that they vitally need from their spouse will look elsewhere to recieve what they need. Many women turn to someone else for the emotional support they are not receiving from their husbands and vice versa. An emotional affair is JUST AS SINFUL as a physical affair. However, because it isn’t as easily defined many who are in emotional affairs are in denial justifying their relationship as “just a friendship” because there isn’t physical involvement. If you read through examination of conscience books/pamphlets, under the “thou shalt not commit adultery” there is a question of “have I kept unnecessary company with someone other than my spouse?” “have I kept unnecessary company with someone else’s spouse?” The word “physical” isn’t in there because keeping company with someone to the detriment of a marriage doesn’t always have to be in the physical sense.

I was also just stating on the reality of an affair and the lies that are told to the spouse. That’s why actions should speak louder. Talking to the other woman will do NOTHING to help the marriage and may hurt the marriage even more because it will help the cheating spouse justify his/her affair even more in his/her mind and keep adding to his/her selfishness.

I don’t quite fall for the “there’s something missing in the marriage” excuse. Yes, sometimes that is what drives someone to cheat. But I would say most of the time, it’s due to complete selfishness. People these days don’t give a rooty-pooh about the sacredness of marriage and think nothing of straying.

And I would also be willing to bet that every cheating spouse convinces the “other woman” or “other man” that their marriage is so horrible and their spouse doesn’t do this or doesn’t do that, or I’m not fulfilled , or whatever.

Baloney. Excuses…

 

[LovedForever]

I never said that what I did was right. However, as many priests who I have discussed my sin with have told me that the affair wasn’t right but also was a result of something lacking in their marriage that needed to be addressed. I am simply saying that some women and men who are married who are not receiving something that they vitally need from their spouse will look elsewhere to recieve what they need. Many women turn to someone else for the emotional support they are not receiving from their husbands and vice versa. An emotional affair is JUST AS SINFUL as a physical affair. However, because it isn’t as easily defined many who are in emotional affairs are in denial justifying their relationship as “just a friendship” because there isn’t physical involvement. If you read through examination of conscience books/pamphlets, under the “thou shalt not commit adultery” there is a question of “have I kept unnecessary company with someone other than my spouse?” “have I kept unnecessary company with someone else’s spouse?” The word “physical” isn’t in there because keeping company with someone to the detriment of a marriage doesn’t always have to be in the physical sense.

I was also just stating on the reality of an affair and the lies that are told to the spouse. That’s why actions should speak louder. Talking to the other woman will do NOTHING to help the marriage and may hurt the marriage even more because it will help the cheating spouse justify his/her affair even more in his/her mind and keep adding to his/her selfishness.

Well of course there is always something lacking in a marriage that would “tempt” a spouse to seek to have that void filled elsewhere. It could be a variety of things - usually emotionally based - but ALWAYS at the heart of it is selfishness.
The cheating spouse in essence is AVOIDING doing the tough work to repair and strengthen his marriage and seeks a false-substitute through adultery. (And yes - adultery does not have to include sex - you can cheat on your spouse by denying him or her time and affection rightfully due them by giving it away to someone else).

But ultimately it is a matter of FREE WILL whether to cheat or not. Because one is tempted and may even be justified with miserable circumstances at home - does not get one off the hook for the choices he or she makes.
I would say that the FIRST thing spouses need to confront with themselves if they are even tempted to cheat is their inclination toward SELF and not self-GIVING. Which is essential to a happy and healthy marriage.
In this day and age when the mantra of the day is to take care of #1 - well, we all know the fallout.

So a cheating spouse can focus all he or she wants on the “lack” of this or the “lack” of that they are not “getting” from their spouse. But until he or she begins to focus on just how much they are GIVING (unconditionally) - they will continue to feel that “void” that tempts them to cheat and seek to have that “void” filled somewhere else in a pretend way. Marriage MUST be about GIVING. The receiving will astound you.
No “mistress” or stud-muffin honey can EVER provide what a spouse united in a sacrament can.

On a side note, I have always been so sincerely curious about women who would allow themselves to become involved with a married man. What is the mindset of such a woman?
Does it make her feel a kind of superficial “specialness” that a man would seem to prefer HER over a woman he married?
Does it make her feel a bit of power because of that?
I’ve just never understood it. (Please! No criticism on you! I am just truly curious)
I just could never muster up enough respect for a man I knew had a wife! Because if he doesn’t respect the one he promised to love and cherish till death - why would I think he’d respect ME - that he didn’t promise that to nor could?

 

[gmarie21]

On a side note, I have always been so sincerely curious about women who would allow themselves to become involved with a married man. What is the mindset of such a woman?
Does it make her feel a kind of superficial “specialness” that a man would seem to prefer HER over a woman he married?
Does it make her feel a bit of power because of that?
I’ve just never understood it. (Please! No criticism on you! I am just truly curious)
I just could never muster up enough respect for a man I knew had a wife! Because if he doesn’t respect the one he promised to love and cherish till death - why would I think he’d respect ME - that he didn’t promise that to nor could?

I feel (and could be wrong) that my situation wasn’t the “typical” reasoning for an affair or the typical affair. My dad had numerous affairs on my mother (and I think he is doing the same to my stepmom). He’s a man that should never have been married. There are men and women who really don’t care about others but themselves 100% of the time. However, mine wasn’t an affair I was looking for. I worked with the man I had an affair with and it started out discussing topics about Catholicism (he didn’t have the same faith as his wife, actually she was never baptized and almost hated Catholics and he’s not the only one who confirmed this fact). It was a friendship for a while and then it developed to an emotional affair and eventually a physical affair. His wife (now ex) didn’t want children and took abc to make sure that she wouldn’t become pregnant b/c it never was the “right time”. I have always wanted children and eventually got to the point where I didn’t care if I was sinning b/c I wanted to be with him and have his child (which I did). His wife just wanted them to have her cats as their “children” which he allowed the cats even though he’s severely allergic and received allergy shots weekly to help him live with the cats (I would take that as a person willing to sacrifice themselves, even their health for the desire of their loved one, yet for some reason he was tempted, gave in and fell in love with someone else). He is now legally divorced and is in the middle of the annulment process (which is the truth b/c I have spoken with the priest who is helping him in this process). We once lived together right before and after our daughter was born, but on the advice of a few priests we live seperately (him with his mom, me with mine) despite the fact that we were truly living as brother and sister by the time our daughter was born (he slept on the floor in the living room, I in my bed in my bedroom). If his exwife had children with him I truly do not think he would have ever had an affair, but he had such a strong desire for children and after 10 years of marriage where she did not stop taking the pill he figured she was never going to have children, that she just wanted him all to herself (she even had problems with him spending time with his mom, sisters and brothers, especially his sister that visited only twice during their whole marriage who lives in another country, she was extremely jealous of her and for one of her visits his exwife made it too emotionally difficult for him to visit with his sister).

Like I said, not all affair are like mine was. But I know that there are affairs that are like mine where something huge and serious was lacking in the marriage way before an affair ever took place. Most divorce when there is something huge lacking, he did not and chose to have an affair over divorcing. I just don’t want everyone to think that all affairs are for the same reason and all people in affairs are total slim balls unworthy of any compassion. Even my mom has compassion for my step-mom (who my dad had an affair with while married to my mom). They actually get along quite well and my mom has told her many times that there is a much better life without my dad than with him.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I never said that what I did was right. However, as many priests who I have discussed my sin with have told me that the affair wasn’t right but also was a result of something lacking in their marriage that needed to be addressed. I am simply saying that some women and men who are married who are not receiving something that they vitally need from their spouse will look elsewhere to recieve what they need. Many women turn to someone else for the emotional support they are not receiving from their husbands and vice versa. An emotional affair is JUST AS SINFUL as a physical affair. However, because it isn’t as easily defined many who are in emotional affairs are in denial justifying their relationship as “just a friendship” because there isn’t physical involvement. If you read through examination of conscience books/pamphlets, under the “thou shalt not commit adultery” there is a question of “have I kept unnecessary company with someone other than my spouse?” “have I kept unnecessary company with someone else’s spouse?” The word “physical” isn’t in there because keeping company with someone to the detriment of a marriage doesn’t always have to be in the physical sense.

I was also just stating on the reality of an affair and the lies that are told to the spouse. That’s why actions should speak louder. Talking to the other woman will do NOTHING to help the marriage and may hurt the marriage even more because it will help the cheating spouse justify his/her affair even more in his/her mind and keep adding to his/her selfishness.

I agree. It is the husband who needs to be on the hot seat. As the old Dr. Phil chestnut goes, “Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.” A repentant husband needs to bend over backwards to make certain that he will have no opportunity to meet his old lover without being found out.

Nevertheless, I knew a fellow having an emotional affair, and he really did have concerns over the well-being of his paramour. He had to come to realize that while the woman’s needs were real, he was poison where medicine was needed.

If a man were to really love a woman not his wife, he’d want a man for her who could love her as a husband, a man who could be trusted not to leave when something better came along. A wife who can come to have any sense of compassion or forgiveness for the woman involved with her husband might be able to use this tack when discouraging further contact. It is not just the wronged spouse who deserves better. The sinners need better, too.

Back to the wife the OP posted about: Your husband is poison for the other woman, but you can be balm. If you do not act vindictively towards her, it will give those who wrong you less grounds to rationalize any right into their actions. Rather, they might find some strength to repent and turn to the right when they have to admit the quality of the person they have wronged.

 

[LovedForever]

I feel (and could be wrong) that my situation wasn’t the “typical” reasoning for an affair or the typical affair. My dad had numerous affairs on my mother (and I think he is doing the same to my stepmom). He’s a man that should never have been married. There are men and women who really don’t care about others but themselves 100% of the time. However, mine wasn’t an affair I was looking for. I worked with the man I had an affair with and it started out discussing topics about Catholicism (he didn’t have the same faith as his wife, actually she was never baptized and almost hated Catholics and he’s not the only one who confirmed this fact). It was a friendship for a while and then it developed to an emotional affair and eventually a physical affair. His wife (now ex) didn’t want children and took abc to make sure that she wouldn’t become pregnant b/c it never was the “right time”. I have always wanted children and eventually got to the point where I didn’t care if I was sinning b/c I wanted to be with him and have his child (which I did). His wife just wanted them to have her cats as their “children” which he allowed the cats even though he’s severely allergic and received allergy shots weekly to help him live with the cats (I would take that as a person willing to sacrifice themselves, even their health for the desire of their loved one, yet for some reason he was tempted, gave in and fell in love with someone else). He is now legally divorced and is in the middle of the annulment process (which is the truth b/c I have spoken with the priest who is helping him in this process). We once lived together right before and after our daughter was born, but on the advice of a few priests we live seperately (him with his mom, me with mine) despite the fact that we were truly living as brother and sister by the time our daughter was born (he slept on the floor in the living room, I in my bed in my bedroom). If his exwife had children with him I truly do not think he would have ever had an affair, but he had such a strong desire for children and after 10 years of marriage where she did not stop taking the pill he figured she was never going to have children, that she just wanted him all to herself (she even had problems with him spending time with his mom, sisters and brothers, especially his sister that visited only twice during their whole marriage who lives in another country, she was extremely jealous of her and for one of her visits his exwife made it too emotionally difficult for him to visit with his sister).

Like I said, not all affair are like mine was. But I know that there are affairs that are like mine where something huge and serious was lacking in the marriage way before an affair ever took place. Most divorce when there is something huge lacking, he did not and chose to have an affair over divorcing. I just don’t want everyone to think that all affairs are for the same reason and all people in affairs are total slim balls unworthy of any compassion. Even my mom has compassion for my step-mom (who my dad had an affair with while married to my mom). They actually get along quite well and my mom has told her many times that there is a much better life without my dad than with him.

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start out by saying that you just confirmed what I’d suspected in my previous post - that you DO somehow feel “special” by stealing another woman’s husband. (By your statements that YOUR affair is “different” than most affairs and not your “typical” affair. Implying I guess that YOU are “special” and “different” from those other women who steal husbands.
)
Honey - it’s NO DIFFERENT. In fact, it’s very predictable and very typical.
Husband not happy at home.
Wife doesn’t meet his needs or understand them. He claims.
Husband works with woman who is attracted to him and convinces herself that she has the magic that the wife doesn’t so she hops into bed with the wife’s husband and makes a baby to boot.

Now - we have a child with 2 parents (not married) who are both willing to cheat.
That is just the truth of it.
I find it sad that you have convinced yourself that this man is “self-less” because he lived in a house with CATS even though he was allergic to them!
Yet, you ignore and excuse his extreme act and pattern of selfishness of*** adultery***!!

It does not matter what the details were of this man’s unhappiness in his marriage.
He had a CHOICE to make.
Go the RIGHT path and seek an annulment - OR - take the easy/sleazy way out and just have an affair.
We know what he chose - which reveals his CHARACTER.

Now you know you have a man that will take the path of least resistance when the going gets tough.

He is STILL in the eyes of God - married to his wife.
Neither of you have any business dating or otherwise until his marriage is declared null and he is free to date.
But that has never really mattered to him anyway.

 

[TrishaW]

A friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. The husband has pledged his desire to do whatever is necessary to be with his wife and has said that he is done with the “other woman”. His wife wants the 2 of them to confront her to tell her it is over and that he is staying with his wife. She wants the “other woman” to hear it from the husband in front of the wife. She says that she needs it to start to rebuild trust for her husband.

Has anyone ever done this or heard of this?

Yes, I have heard of people doing this, and it rarely does anything but hurt the wife more.

Some women think that if they can see the other woman, they will feel better somehow. This is rarely the case. It usually makes things worse, cause it puts a face on everything and the imagination can start placing her with the husband, which is VERY bad.

Either the trust can be rebuilt, or it can’t. Meeting the other woman will not do this! Only communication, counseling and lots of prayer together.

God bless,

Trish

 

[gmarie21]

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start out by saying that you just confirmed what I’d suspected in my previous post - that you DO somehow feel “special” by stealing another woman’s husband. (By your statements that YOUR affair is “different” than most affairs and not your “typical” affair. Implying I guess that YOU are “special” and “different” from those other women who steal husbands.
)
Honey - it’s NO DIFFERENT. In fact, it’s very predictable and very typical.
Husband not happy at home.
Wife doesn’t meet his needs or understand them. He claims.
Husband works with woman who is attracted to him and convinces herself that she has the magic that the wife doesn’t so she hops into bed with the wife’s husband and makes a baby to boot.

Now - we have a child with 2 parents (not married) who are both willing to cheat.
That is just the truth of it.
I find it sad that you have convinced yourself that this man is “self-less” because he lived in a house with CATS even though he was allergic to them!
Yet, you ignore and excuse his extreme act and pattern of selfishness of*** adultery***!!

It does not matter what the details were of this man’s unhappiness in his marriage.
He had a CHOICE to make.
Go the RIGHT path and seek an annulment - OR - take the easy/sleazy way out and just have an affair.
We know what he chose - which reveals his CHARACTER.

Now you know you have a man that will take the path of least resistance when the going gets tough.

He is STILL in the eyes of God - married to his wife.
Neither of you have any business dating or otherwise until his marriage is declared null and he is free to date.
But that has never really mattered to him anyway.

Excuse me. I am not justifyinf anything and I will not disclose all the truth of their marriage that was confirmed by others than him (those who had been witnesses to their entire relationship). I know he is still married in the eyes of God. Did you not read the part about him being in the middle of an annulment? Or the part that I have been seeking counsel with more than one priest? We are not dating, but we are coparenting. We DO NOT live together because we ARE trying to do what is right (I know, too late). You have no idea the guilt and self hatred I have had to work through because of the harm I had done. You do not know him and the amount of guilt and self hatred he is still trying to heal from. God has forgiven me. God has forgiven him. Our current actions are proof to our priests and God of our repentance. God allowed me to screw up so that I could be humble and not judgemental as I once was. I am putting a very sinful past out there so that others can maybe learn from my mistakes. I also would like others to know that those of us big time sinners are still human and aren’t scum bags. To me, it seems an adulterer or adulteress are treated and perceived as being worse than any other person who commits a grave sin. All sinners are ill and deserve an ounce of compassion. Believe me, everything you have directed to me, I have directed to myself, as have others. The ones who were most compassionate, yet who were still strong in calling a sin a sin were/are the priests I have been counseled by.

As for the “reasonings” of my affair. I NEVER said they were justified, but I was simply trying to point out that sometimes there are BIG issues that chip away at a marriage even before someone wanders. Stating that only one person in the marriage failed the marriage may help a little, but if that person hasn’t been “heard” by their spouse for years (and the spouse’s actions prove that they didn’t “hear”) then there needs to also be accountability on the spouse that neglected the need of their spouse before the major sin of adultery. It takes a husband and wife to make a marriage work, but it usually is a husband and wife who both play a part in a dissolving marriage. If a cheating spouse stops cheating and yet is treated like scum for the rest of his/her life by the other spouse, is that a good marriage or is the other spouse justified in treating the former cheating spouse like scum for the rest of his/her life?

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start out by saying that you just confirmed what I’d suspected in my previous post - that you DO somehow feel “special” by stealing another woman’s husband. (By your statements that YOUR affair is “different” than most affairs and not your “typical” affair. Implying I guess that YOU are “special” and “different” from those other women who steal husbands.
)
Honey - it’s NO DIFFERENT. In fact, it’s very predictable and very typical.
Husband not happy at home.
Wife doesn’t meet his needs or understand them. He claims.
Husband works with woman who is attracted to him and convinces herself that she has the magic that the wife doesn’t so she hops into bed with the wife’s husband and makes a baby to boot.

Now - we have a child with 2 parents (not married) who are both willing to cheat.
That is just the truth of it.
I find it sad that you have convinced yourself that this man is “self-less” because he lived in a house with CATS even though he was allergic to them!
Yet, you ignore and excuse his extreme act and pattern of selfishness of*** adultery***!!

It does not matter what the details were of this man’s unhappiness in his marriage.
He had a CHOICE to make.
Go the RIGHT path and seek an annulment - OR - take the easy/sleazy way out and just have an affair.
We know what he chose - which reveals his CHARACTER.

Now you know you have a man that will take the path of least resistance when the going gets tough.

He is STILL in the eyes of God - married to his wife.
Neither of you have any business dating or otherwise until his marriage is declared null and he is free to date.
But that has never really mattered to him anyway.

Gosh, get the stones out. Are you saying that you know what matters now, what mattered then, and what never really mattered at all in someone you’ve never met? I hope not.

Now, do not get me wrong. I don’t think we do anyone any favors, including ourselves, when we think of sin, our sin or anyone else’s, as anything other than typical. There are a thousand, thousand variations on a theme, but “choosing the path of least resistance when the going gets tough” is about as a good a definition of original sin as any other…even when that path is to stick by your guns and admit no excuses or compassion when a grave wrong is done. Let us face it: it is something for all of us. That doesn’t make it right. It just puts us all in the same boat.

If Jesus could say “they know not what they do” about the people who railroaded him onto the Cross, then obviously there is no sin in finding a pretext for Divine compassion upon those who commit grave sin.

You make a good point in this sense, though: while we may have help in healing by looking honestly about how and why we went wrong, we should not use the reasons we fell as excuses. That sets us up for another fall, harder than the first. I just don’t think that the person you’re responding to was ever trying to argue that point.

Let us all take note and beware: There is nothing more dangerous to our spiritual life than the assault of this thought, which regularly comes upon all but the most humble of us: *I give you thanks, O my God, that I am not like the rest of men. *Let us say to that, rather: There, but for the grace of God, go I.

There are women saintly enough to regard a rival for their husband’s affections in that light. They are few and far between. The rest of us ought to keep a million miles between us and the other woman…with our straying spouse a million miles in the other direction!

 

[Jake_Ellison]

Two things:

Luke 18:9-14

9To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: 10"Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11The Pharisee stood up and prayed about[a] himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. 12I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.’
13"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’

14"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."

Matthew 7:1-5

1"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

 

[LovedForever]

Excuse me. I am not justifyinf anything and I will not disclose all the truth of their marriage that was confirmed by others than him (those who had been witnesses to their entire relationship).
I know he is still married in the eyes of God. Did you not read the part about him being in the middle of an annulment? Or the part that I have been seeking counsel with more than one priest? We are not dating, but we are coparenting. We DO NOT live together because we ARE trying to do what is right (I know, too late). You have no idea the guilt and self hatred I have had to work through because of the harm I had done. You do not know him and the amount of guilt and self hatred he is still trying to heal from. God has forgiven me. God has forgiven him. Our current actions are proof to our priests and God of our repentance. God allowed me to screw up so that I could be humble and not judgemental as I once was. I am putting a very sinful past out there so that others can maybe learn from my mistakes. I also would like others to know that those of us big time sinners are still human and aren’t scum bags. To me, it seems an adulterer or adulteress are treated and perceived as being worse than any other person who commits a grave sin. All sinners are ill and deserve an ounce of compassion. Believe me, everything you have directed to me, I have directed to myself, as have others. The ones who were most compassionate, yet who were still strong in calling a sin a sin were/are the priests I have been counseled by.

As for the “reasonings” of my affair. I NEVER said they were justified, but I was simply trying to point out that sometimes there are BIG issues that chip away at a marriage even before someone wanders. Stating that only one person in the marriage failed the marriage may help a little, but if that person hasn’t been “heard” by their spouse for years (and the spouse’s actions prove that they didn’t “hear”) then there needs to also be accountability on the spouse that neglected the need of their spouse before the major sin of adultery. It takes a husband and wife to make a marriage work, but it usually is a husband and wife who both play a part in a dissolving marriage. If a cheating spouse stops cheating and yet is treated like scum for the rest of his/her life by the other spouse, is that a good marriage or is the other spouse justified in treating the former cheating spouse like scum for the rest of his/her life?

I am sorry if I upset you. It was not my intent at all and I do apologize!
I take it you have never been a “spouse?”
It is difficult for you then to have a vantage point from that perspective.

What I found so concerning in your post is that you set yourself and “your” affair in a different category than other women who cheat with married men as if yours is somehow more justified.
I am not saying you out and out “justified” what you both did - but if you read back over your posts maybe you can see how you minimized it by saying that yours wasn’t ‘typical’ and that his circumstances were just soooo bad that, well, to me it implied some level of justification.
For instance, in your last paragraph, you seem to be saying that he was left with only 2 options. Stay in an unful-filling marriage or cheat/commit adultery. Never did you say that what he should have done is STAY FAITHFUL and do what he is doing now - seek a civil divorce and an annulment. And only then proceed to conduct himself as a single man.

(Honestly, I suspect that what you shared about your own father and how he cheated on your mother, possibly gives insight into you and your situation.)

It is* wonderful* that you are seeking the counsel of priests but it is not my business nor did I even mention your need for repentance and God’s forgiveness. That is between you and God!
I just saw a number of red flags in your posts and thinking, and as a married person, knowing the reality of married life - especially should you end up marrying him - felt someone should not let them slip by.

God Bless you all in your situation. I know He will!