Confront the "other woman"

[Gamera]

gmarie21, you are very brave to share your experience here. Thank you for sharing your perspective and your insights.

God bless you.

 

[Katie1723]

… I gave her such a beating that she would never forget. And it did not make any difference he still left me for her,…

Not that I endorse physical violence, but why beat her up?? Given the choice, I’d have given him “what for”.
I suppose what I am saying is be mad at who is really at fault. HE made the decision to do what he did. She just happened to be there.
Kathy

 

[AP4Him]

GMarie, did you date or intend on later marrying this man after the marriage fell apart? I assume you did from your posts…imho, your view of the affair, reasons for, etc., hint that you did. Otherwise, I would expect more remorse.

Oh, okay…

We are not dating, but we are coparenting. We DO NOT live together because we ARE trying to do what is right (I know, too late).

To me it sounds like you two are heading in that direction, i.e., getting married after he gets an anullment? Is that correct?

 

[gmarie21]

To me it sounds like you two are heading in that direction, i.e., getting married after he gets an anullment? Is that correct?

More like, if he gets an annulment. I don’t want to assume that he’ll be granted one even though he has a strong case. If he is granted an annulment, then marriage is most likely, if not, we’ll be working with our spiritual directors to figure out how to provide the most secure environment for our daughter given the situation. Personally, I have no desire to start dating or looking for anyone else, but if he and I are to not be married, then I will accept that fact and will live my life as a single woman. Through this whole situation (with all the ugly ups and downs), for the first time in my life I have realized that I can live a complete life without a man, but that should we be allowed that it would be an added bonus to be married (if that makes any sense). I use to think that I had to be with a man to be happy, but now, I finally realize that my happiness is my decision and another person can’t give that to me.

 

[AP4Him]

Perhaps a true testament to living your faith would be encouraging him to reconcile with his wife and respecting that bond from thereafter.

 

[gmarie21]

Perhaps a true testament to living your faith would be encouraging him to reconcile with his wife and respecting that bond from thereafter.

I did that, he tried, she didn’t want to because of our daughter ( I even wrote her an appology for everything stating that they should work things out and I’d step out of the picture).

 

[mary_s_kid]

I did that, he tried, she didn’t want to because of our daughter ( I even wrote her an appology for everything stating that they should work things out and I’d step out of the picture).

Personally, if my husband chose to have a baby with another woman I wouldn’t be willing to work on the marriage either (I know some of you won’t agree) and I’d find the letter of apology to be too little, too late. It’s really not a true statement to say you would step out of the picture when you are raising his child unless he gives up parental rights and you give up the child’s rights to support and the two of you were to agree to never see each other again. Tall order.

 

[raggakitten]

What a very sad situation. I cannot imagine having to endure the pain of my husband cheating!
To the poster who was the “other woman” once and cited his “reasons” (excuses) for breaking his marriage vows and committing adultery - do you still sympathize with him? Do you think he was somehow justified in cheating on his wife with you? I’m just curious because it kind of came across that way.

I just want to say that there is NEVER a legitimate excuse to cheat on your spouse. Ever.
Fix what is wrong that makes your eye wander - or get out.

There are some incredibly selfish people in this world aren’t there? And the aftermath of that selfishness leaves a wake of incredibly hurting people. Often children.

Oh my, thanks you said something! I wanted to, but I was kinda biting my tongue!

His “catholic faith” wasn’t strong anyway if he was cheating on his wife, and not only that, but after being confronted by his wife, to keep on lying!

Oh my, nobody should be excusing a man like that, it’s disgusting the way he even dared to use the catholic faith in order to have an excuse to cheat on his wife… Oh my, this world can be an awefully dirty place sometimes, YUK!

May the Lord have mercy on us!

 

[raggakitten]

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start out by saying that you just confirmed what I’d suspected in my previous post - that you DO somehow feel “special” by stealing another woman’s husband. (By your statements that YOUR affair is “different” than most affairs and not your “typical” affair. Implying I guess that YOU are “special” and “different” from those other women who steal husbands.
)
Honey - it’s NO DIFFERENT. In fact, it’s very predictable and very typical.
Husband not happy at home.
Wife doesn’t meet his needs or understand them. He claims.
Husband works with woman who is attracted to him and convinces herself that she has the magic that the wife doesn’t so she hops into bed with the wife’s husband and makes a baby to boot…

.

Oh my, and not only that! But they started the affair talking about catholisism! makes the sign of the cross

Oh my, lets pray to the Lord so those souls can be saved on time, I can’t believe that after all that damage they’re still pursuin a life together! They haven’t even changed!
It’s so sad how God tries to speak to all of us but we just close our hearts and keep letting THOSE type of things happen, just holding to ANY lame excuse to do it , please people, open your eyes, and don’t let catholics that are FAR from God to make you fall into their own game, the devil has many faces!.. Just look how that poor woman got fooled by that mean man that made her believe that he’s a good catholic, only because he’s sleeping on the floor of her living room now, of course, only after he already cheated on his wife and gave her a baby!

Geez, I’m not saying that one can’t make mistakes, we ALL make mistakes! But oh my, not changing after seeing all the damage, all the offenses against God! That’s SO MUCH DIFFERENT!

This is a wake up call to all the married men and married women reading this post! Don’t be having friendships that could ruin your Faith, your main purpose in your life should be your family! (whether it has children or not!), so something that could seem so innocent as just talking about catholisism with someone of the opposite sex, can lead to this if you’re not close enough to God, so just don’t tempt the devil! Your friend of the opposite sex should be your wife/husband!

I’m sorry if I’m upsetting someone by saying that, but this is a touchy topic for me, and I bet for other women too…

 

[whatevergirl]

yes… i had the same issue where he was emotionally close to this girl and could not live without having her at any of the important occassions… everytime i would call him on it, i was called paranoid. but he was miserable when he could not be with her during the weekends… the so-called friend and that led to the end of my marriage. he did know that he was doing wrong as once he told me that i could not expect him to be a saint.

that’s an interesting point you make. affairs are not something that ‘just happen’ in a flash. it starts with a look…emotions…flirting with disaster…until eventually, flirting becomes the disaster. sin is a sneaky thing. if it wore horns and held a pitchfork…we would all steer clear of it.

the devil always dresses sin up, to make it look appealing. whether it be drugs, alcohol, porn, adultery…whatever it is…he takes it, and spins it to look like you need it. just my 2 cents.

 

[mariam1976]

that’s an interesting point you make. affairs are not something that ‘just happen’ in a flash. it starts with a look…emotions…flirting with disaster…until eventually, flirting becomes the disaster. sin is a sneaky thing. if it wore horns and held a pitchfork…we would all steer clear of it.

the devil always dresses sin up, to make it look appealing. whether it be drugs, alcohol, porn, adultery…whatever it is…he takes it, and spins it to look like you need it. just my 2 cents.

one of my aunts told me when this was going on that “unless you actually catch him with his pants down, do not say that he is having an affair or is emotionally involved with someone else”… do you think that is how it should be???

 

[jmcrae]

one of my aunts told me when this was going on that “unless you actually catch him with his pants down, do not say that he is having an affair or is emotionally involved with someone else”… do you think that is how it should be???

I have learned in my own marriage to always consider my husband “innocent until proven guilty beyond all shadow of a doubt” and never to stand with those who are pointing fingers and accusing him.

Even if I’m absolutely certain that he’s guilty.

Because what I’ve discovered is that when I stand up for him and protest his innocence, he comes through - he puts aside whatever it was and comes back to me; he always says, “you are the only one who really loves me.”

So, yeah, for the sake of your marriage, always be on his side, and always believe in him, even when he’s making it incredibly difficult to do that, because the goal is not to figure out whether he’s guilty or not, but to get him out of the bad situation (if he’s in one) and back into your arms. And if it turns out that he was, in fact, innocent all along (hey, it happens) then you turn out to be a hero of love and devotion, instead of, whatever that other word is.

 

[whatevergirl]

one of my aunts told me when this was going on that “unless you actually catch him with his pants down, do not say that he is having an affair or is emotionally involved with someone else”… do you think that is how it should be???

absolutely not. i was explaining that affairs start off with emotions first…then, sex. so many people think it’s only an affair when there is sex…and i say…if one’s husband’s heart is gone to another, it’s not far beyond that his body will follow. affairs don’t always have to do with the marriage having a problem…often times, it’s one or the other spouse who has some internal issues.

 

[mary_s_kid]

I
So, yeah, for the sake of your marriage, always be on his side, and always believe in him, even when he’s making it incredibly difficult to do that, because the goal is not to figure out whether he’s guilty or not, but to get him out of the bad situation (if he’s in one) and back into your arms. And if it turns out that he was, in fact, innocent all along (hey, it happens) then you turn out to be a hero of love and devotion, instead of, whatever that other word is.

Are you saying not to speak badly about your spouse to others but addressing the problems in private or are you saying to stick your head in the sand and pretend a problem just isn’t there? Most times, if a woman thinks her husband is having an affair (emotional or physical) she is right.

 

[jmcrae]

Are you saying not to speak badly about your spouse to others but addressing the problems in private or are you saying to stick your head in the sand and pretend a problem just isn’t there? Most times, if a woman thinks her husband is having an affair (emotional or physical) she is right.

Talk to him about it in private, and talk to his friends - but don’t accuse him of anything; just say that you are worried about him because people are saying these wild, unbelievable things about him.

I don’t think I was “putting my head in the sand” - rather, I was using my role in the situation as a psychological tool to change the situation. If he hadn’t acted to make a 180 degree turn-around as fast as he did, there would definitely have been honest conversations, followed by yelling, probably followed by a very messy divorce.

Thank God it never came to that.

And in the instances where it turned out that he was, in fact, innocent (I’m not an idiot - I talked to his friends and other people involved, not to accuse them of anything, but to mention my concerns about these wild, unbelievable things that were being said about him) and there was no way he could have been doing what he was accused of doing.

In those cases, my approach was the right approach, because of the fact that it did turn out that he was perfectly innocent, and being falsely accused because of someone else’s problems.

Thank God those early days are behind us now, though - we have been married 20 years, now, and we have never been happier.

 

[Katie1723]

I… because the goal is not to figure out whether he’s guilty or not, but to get him out of the bad situation …

I can see this pertaining to children. But a grown man? If he’s guilty, make him responsible for his “errors in judgement”
Kathy

 

[jmcrae]

I can see this pertaining to children. But a grown man? If he’s guilty, make him responsible for his “errors in judgement”
Kathy

I don’t actually have any idea how a wife metes out “justice” to her husband.

The only two possibilities I can think of would be either to divorce him, or to make his life such a hell that he would initiate the divorce. I wasn’t willing to do either of those.

 

[Katie1723]

I don’t actually have any idea how a wife metes out “justice” to her husband.

The only two possibilities I can think of would be either to divorce him, or to make his life such a hell that he would initiate the divorce. I wasn’t willing to do either of those.

All I am saying is to not be so quick to “fix” things. As women we sometimes tend to do that. He did what he did and although he may be sorry, he is ultimately responsible for whatever the consequences may be.

Kathy

 

[jmcrae]

All I am saying is to not be so quick to “fix” things. As women we sometimes tend to do that. He did what he did and although he may be sorry, he is ultimately responsible for whatever the consequences may be.

Kathy

I certainly had no power to “fix” things. My choices were either to believe him and welcome him home, or not. If there were consequences, then he experienced them. I was never aware of any, but then again, he might not have told me. I’m fine with that.

 

[MarsupialMama]

As a former “other woman” let me tell you, if it’s over, his actions will have to prove themselves. When I was the other woman I received a phone call from teh counselors office where he and his wife were at saying that things were over between us. His wife didn’t know that he had called me before AND after to let me know that it was not over, that he just had to do it to appease his wife. Speaking from experience, confrontation by the wife won’t change the situation and may make things worse for the marriage in the long run. Even though it is difficult because of the pain, she should try to find out the reasoning behind the affair and address that. If he were happy he wouldn’t just up and have an affair (mine was b/c his wife wouldn’t have children and criticized his Catholic faith). If they want to save their marriage, not only does he have to be willing to do whatever it takes to build trust but she also has to listen and accomodate his needs too (obviously if they’re within reason). He had an affair b/c he was lacking some trust in her too (that she couldn’t be trusted to listen to and meet his needs as a man, whatever those needs may have been). Even though there’s a third party, their marriage (or lack thereof) is about them, not the “other woman” or the spouse’s job or whatever can ruin a marriage.

Resurrecting old thread, I know. But the reason why this man cheated has nothing to do with a respect to his Catholic faith. Good grief, Catholics don’t cheat. And for you to use that to justify your own actions…