Confront the "other woman"

[SarahR]

Amen to that, sister!

 

[claudia1234]

I think women are the problem due to feminism movement. If they refused any man that is married, these men would learn a lesson. If they also refused to let sinlge and married men gain glory and satisfaction in viewing porn and going to strip clubs, they would also learn a lesson. Women should refuse any men like this and they do not so men continue to act like children.

Here is a site that actually has some real men who know how to value women and wives and know what the commitment of marriage is and its responsibility. Spread it to all the men in your lives and maybe heartaches would be less for these women too.

thekingsmen.us

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

This thread was from Jan 07…
Maybe if someone has a new experience we should have a new thread for it…I’m sure the OP has long made her decision…

Just sayin’

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

This thread was from Jan 07…
Maybe if someone has a new experience we should have a new thread for it…I’m sure the OP has long made her decision…

Just sayin’

I agree with Elizabeth…This is an old thread, and somebody revived it, and now everybody’s giving advice to somebody who might not want it anymore…

 

[seaglass]

What a very sad situation. I cannot imagine having to endure the pain of my husband cheating!
To the poster who was the “other woman” once and cited his “reasons” (excuses) for breaking his marriage vows and committing adultery - do you still sympathize with him? Do you think he was somehow justified in cheating on his wife with you? I’m just curious because it kind of came across that way.

I just want to say that there is NEVER a legitimate excuse to cheat on your spouse. Ever.
Fix what is wrong that makes your eye wander - or get out.

There are some incredibly selfish people in this world aren’t there? And the aftermath of that selfishness leaves a wake of incredibly hurting people. Often children.

Wow. You are really naive. Last I checked we have absolutely no control over what someone else chooses to do. As my marriage was crumbling, I became engaged in an emotional affair with my high school sweetheart. We did meet one time but never slept together. My spouse was aware of everything, my friend later confessed everything to his spouse. Our marriages were all but over with the exception of our guilt over our children. This time together made us rethink the divorces we already had planned PRIOR to reconnecting with one another. We realized we needed to make things work with our own spouses and that we had never really given them a chance because we were holding each other’s hearts. We agreed to LET GO. I don’t know about his, but my marriage is stronger than it ever was. I believe God used this time in my life as a catalyst for positive change. My husband’s “other woman” was his work and his friends. He has also recommitted to me and the preciousness of our time together and the family we created together. People…and yes children were hurt, but a whole lot less than if it never had happened. Remember this quote whenever you feel the need to pass judgement on someone…“Don’t judge me based on what you know because there is so much more you don’t know” (Anonymous).

 

[SwizzleStick]

This thread was from Jan 07…
Maybe if someone has a new experience we should have a new thread for it…I’m sure the OP has long made her decision…

Just sayin’

I agree with Elizabeth…This is an old thread, and somebody revived it, and now everybody’s giving advice to somebody who might not want it anymore…

These two posts applied back in June of 2008 when they were posted, and they certainly still apply now. This is an old thread and the issue is probably long resolved one way or the other.

 

[Corinne3]

A friend of mine discovered her husband was having an affair. The husband has pledged his desire to do whatever is necessary to be with his wife and has said that he is done with the “other woman”. His wife wants the 2 of them to confront her to tell her it is over and that he is staying with his wife. She wants the “other woman” to hear it from the husband in front of the wife. She says that she needs it to start to rebuild trust for her husband.

Has anyone ever done this or heard of this?

I could relate much better if this wasn’t “a friend of mine”, etc…but it was you.

 

[SwizzleStick]

I could relate much better if this wasn’t “a friend of mine”, etc…but it was you.

According to the public profile, the OP, cmujake, has not been back to the forums since November of 2007, so it is possible that you won’t be doing any relating…or at least not discussing.

Not to beat a dead horse, but this is an old thread and any discussion is likely fruitless since the situation has likely already been resolved long ago.

I guess old threads are posted on because some folks don’t notice that they are old threads. I’ve done that myself (and I’m doing it again here, but I noticed this time ). I wonder if CA might come up with a fix for that, maybe by archiving older threads that haven’t been posted on for a year or more.

 

[jmcrae]

I wonder if CA might come up with a fix for that, maybe by archiving older threads that haven’t been posted on for a year or more.

That’s an idea for the suggestion box. I think what’s happening is that new members are just browsing through the forums and clicking on titles that look interesting, without looking at the dates on them.

It would be good if after a year of no posts, threads would just automatically be locked down, with maybe a code routine that runs once a week, with a line in it that says something like,“Check date of last post. If date of last post is older than one year, do lock thread procedure.”

 

[SwizzleStick]

That’s an idea for the suggestion box. I think what’s happening is that new members are just browsing through the forums and clicking on titles that look interesting, without looking at the dates on them.

It would be good if after a year of no posts, threads would just automatically be locked down, with maybe a code routine that runs once a week, with a line in it that says something like,“Check date of last post. If date of last post is older than one year, do lock thread procedure.”

 

[LoveofGod33]

Here’s my personal take on the situation. I was married for almost 17 years, 3 children. Deep down in my heart I knew he wasn’t the man for me, but I was a good Catholic woman that honored my vows ALWAYS. It was what I had chosen, my responsibility, and I was never going to sin and get divorced. I pretty much lived on “auto pilot”. I knew very well that I wasn’t meeting my husbands needs, but I thought he was like me in that he made the same decisions I had. After all, we were both Catholic. So if I had to live without intimacy, closeness, emotional support, then so did he. I was so vastly wrong.

I felt him love me a little less each day, and the sad thing was, I didn’t really care. Or so I thought I didn’t. He tried for the first 5 years or so to prove his love to me, be close, but I wasn’t receptive. Don’t get me wrong, he was no saint himself. And I felt guilt when he’d come to bed, and I’d pretend I was asleep etc… Bottom line, I was selfish by letting a man that deserved to be loved, go without. He deserved a woman that was truly in love with him, meeting his needs, and he her’s. If I was truly in love with him, it wouldn’t have been an issue, showing him love, or taking care of him and his most basic needs. So when I found out that he had fallen in love with another woman, who ended up truly loving him, I was DEVASTATED! How could this man whom I had given almost 20 years to do such a thing! My ego was severely hurt. I felt humiliated and lost. Until I realized some months later that that was exactally how he must have felt every time he reached out to me for love, comfort and intimacy.And I had almost no guilt in doing so.

I tried to blame “her”…and for a good 3 years, this was my mindset. She had nothing to do with my marriage. There was nothing in this world that confronting her would help. She was not the problem, he and I were the problem.

It took about 4 years, but I finally realized that I was the selfish one. And I’ll admit, he truly handled it the wrong way by seeking out the love of another woman. He should have first come to me and asked for a divorce, and while that would have been painful, it would be less painful then an affair. But I now see exactally why he did it. I had shut him off. I was selfish. This man reached out to me for 5 years! And I didn’t help him. It is something that I will have to live with the rest of my life. We have since become respectful co-parents to our 3 kids, and I actually forgave him for his infidelity…In fact, I am grateful to him for having the courage to demand a better life for himself, because he truly did deserve it. And so do I.

I’m not saying that this is always why men stray, but I would ask each woman who’s had a husband stray, what part do you play in the equation? My x husband and I divorced, and he went on to marry “the other woman” and they are very happy now. And having me come to terms with what “really happened” in my marriage takes the focus off of the “affair” and back to what my responsibility was in the event. Bottom line, my x was seeking LOVE…not a fling. And I’m glad he found it. We are both forgiven.

 

[LSK]

As a former “other woman” let me tell you, if it’s over, his actions will have to prove themselves. When I was the other woman I received a phone call from teh counselors office where he and his wife were at saying that things were over between us. His wife didn’t know that he had called me before AND after to let me know that it was not over, that he just had to do it to appease his wife. Speaking from experience, confrontation by the wife won’t change the situation and may make things worse for the marriage in the long run. Even though it is difficult because of the pain, she should try to find out the reasoning behind the affair and address that. If he were happy he wouldn’t just up and have an affair (mine was b/c his wife wouldn’t have children and criticized his Catholic faith). If they want to save their marriage, not only does he have to be willing to do whatever it takes to build trust but she also has to listen and accomodate his needs too (obviously if they’re within reason). He had an affair b/c he was lacking some trust in her too (that she couldn’t be trusted to listen to and meet his needs as a man, whatever those needs may have been). Even though there’s a third party, their marriage (or lack thereof) is about them, not the “other woman” or the spouse’s job or whatever can ruin a marriage.

I just wanted to give you some applause for an inciteful, honest and tough response. I was the child watching the Other Woman destroy her family. Now, 50 years later, I can see that nothing my mother did or didn’t do caused my father to cheat simply because of who and what he was - but I remember when he started cheating on the Other Woman after she became The Wife and thinking, “Well, there you go, honey bun…what you see is what you get”.

I don’t think a confrontation will do much good other than give The Wife some sort of relief for the moment.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Here’s my personal take on the situation. I was married for almost 17 years, 3 children. Deep down in my heart I knew he wasn’t the man for me, but I was a good Catholic woman that honored my vows ALWAYS. It was what I had chosen, my responsibility, and I was never going to sin and get divorced. I pretty much lived on “auto pilot”. I knew very well that I wasn’t meeting my husbands needs, but I thought he was like me in that he made the same decisions I had. After all, we were both Catholic. So if I had to live without intimacy, closeness, emotional support, then so did he. I was so vastly wrong.

I felt him love me a little less each day, and the sad thing was, I didn’t really care. Or so I thought I didn’t. He tried for the first 5 years or so to prove his love to me, be close, but I wasn’t receptive. Don’t get me wrong, he was no saint himself. And I felt guilt when he’d come to bed, and I’d pretend I was asleep etc… Bottom line, I was selfish by letting a man that deserved to be loved, go without. He deserved a woman that was truly in love with him, meeting his needs, and he her’s. If I was truly in love with him, it wouldn’t have been an issue, showing him love, or taking care of him and his most basic needs. So when I found out that he had fallen in love with another woman, who ended up truly loving him, I was DEVASTATED! How could this man whom I had given almost 20 years to do such a thing! My ego was severely hurt. I felt humiliated and lost. Until I realized some months later that that was exactally how he must have felt every time he reached out to me for love, comfort and intimacy.And I had almost no guilt in doing so.

I tried to blame “her”…and for a good 3 years, this was my mindset. She had nothing to do with my marriage. There was nothing in this world that confronting her would help. She was not the problem, he and I were the problem.

It took about 4 years, but I finally realized that I was the selfish one. And I’ll admit, he truly handled it the wrong way by seeking out the love of another woman. He should have first come to me and asked for a divorce, and while that would have been painful, it would be less painful then an affair. But I now see exactally why he did it. I had shut him off. I was selfish. This man reached out to me for 5 years! And I didn’t help him. It is something that I will have to live with the rest of my life. We have since become respectful co-parents to our 3 kids, and I actually forgave him for his infidelity…In fact, I am grateful to him for having the courage to demand a better life for himself, because he truly did deserve it. And so do I.

I’m not saying that this is always why men stray, but I would ask each woman who’s had a husband stray, what part do you play in the equation? My x husband and I divorced, and he went on to marry “the other woman” and they are very happy now. And having me come to terms with what “really happened” in my marriage takes the focus off of the “affair” and back to what my responsibility was in the event. Bottom line, my x was seeking LOVE…not a fling. And I’m glad he found it. We are both forgiven.

Please don’t resurrect old threads like this one! People start responding to the OP, which is 5 years old now!!! Just start a new thread if you have something to say.

Please.

 

[hurting]

I never said that what I did was right. However, as many priests who I have discussed my sin with have told me that the affair wasn’t right but also was a result of something lacking in their marriage that needed to be addressed. I am simply saying that some women and men who are married who are not receiving something that they vitally need from their spouse will look elsewhere to recieve what they need. Many women turn to someone else for the emotional support they are not receiving from their husbands and vice versa. An emotional affair is JUST AS SINFUL as a physical affair. However, because it isn’t as easily defined many who are in emotional affairs are in denial justifying their relationship as “just a friendship” because there isn’t physical involvement. If you read through examination of conscience books/pamphlets, under the “thou shalt not commit adultery” there is a question of “have I kept unnecessary company with someone other than my spouse?” “have I kept unnecessary company with someone else’s spouse?” The word “physical” isn’t in there because keeping company with someone to the detriment of a marriage doesn’t always have to be in the physical sense.

I was also just stating on the reality of an affair and the lies that are told to the spouse. That’s why actions should speak louder. Talking to the other woman will do NOTHING to help the marriage and may hurt the marriage even more because it will help the cheating spouse justify his/her affair even more in his/her mind and keep adding to his/her selfishness.

Sorry, but this is patently bovine excrement. Perhaps you found some liberal priests to assuage your guilt by suggesting that affairs somehow materialize from the actions of both spouses. No, in fact that are 100% attributable to the cheating spouse and his/her adulterous partner.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t quite fall for the “there’s something missing in the marriage” excuse. Yes, sometimes that is what drives someone to cheat. But I would say most of the time, it’s due to complete selfishness. People these days don’t give a rooty-pooh about the sacredness of marriage and think nothing of straying.

And I would also be willing to bet that every cheating spouse convinces the “other woman” or “other man” that their marriage is so horrible and their spouse doesn’t do this or doesn’t do that, or I’m not fulfilled , or whatever.

Baloney. Excuses…

Thank you, you read my mind. I don’t believe it always takes two to tango. One spouse may have seen bad behavior modeled at home. The other spouse could be doing things perfectly and the spouse may still stray. And possibly blame the other spouse for being too perfect.

The only one that needs to be confronted is the cheating spouse.

 

[houseofsaul]

I believe what gmarie21 is not trying to justify her mistake, but only explain how she and her gentleman friend came to be in their situation.

It is so much easier to criticize if one has not walked in that particular pair of shoes.

Someone skimming the till, most of us would say, it’s wrong, I would never… have you been in those shoes, tempted to do what you know is wrong but too weak to not help yourself, every situation is unique.

Theft, adultery, etc…all sin.

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God

For those of you who want to judge, tread carefully that you not fall in the future. My hats off to anyone who have been able to live in this sin filled world and not ever fallen to temptation. Just because you haven’t been caught, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

I speak fom experience, I use to judge harshly… then I humbled in my own fall.

God Bless and thanks gmarie21 for sharing a very intimate part of your life so that we might better understand.

 

[gmarie21]

I believe what gmarie21 is not trying to justify her mistake, but only explain how she and her gentleman friend came to be in their situation.

It is so much easier to criticize if one has not walked in that particular pair of shoes.

Someone skimming the till, most of us would say, it’s wrong, I would never… have you been in those shoes, tempted to do what you know is wrong but too weak to not help yourself, every situation is unique.

Theft, adultery, etc…all sin.

Romans 3:23

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God

For those of you who want to judge, tread carefully that you not fall in the future. My hats off to anyone who have been able to live in this sin filled world and not ever fallen to temptation. Just because you haven’t been caught, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

I speak fom experience, I use to judge harshly… then I humbled in my own fall.

God Bless and thanks gmarie21 for sharing a very intimate part of your life so that we might better understand.

This was my humbling experience, and it is amazing how quickly I went from being a harsh judge to falling into sin. this was many years ago and our story has turned out positive, though some would think it to be unfair. We are sacramentally married in the Church and have three children. His ex-wife is also remarried and no children. We pray that she has peace with her new life.