Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

[HazelEyes]

I am recently separated from my husband of 12 years. We have a been separate a little over a year. We have three children. The separation is the result of an ongoing affair. I was informed right before Easter that he has a new girlfriend, she called to introduce herself and to invite me to lunch. I was shocked and floored by her boldness. She thought it was time that we meet. I have avoided meeting the girlfriend and have informed my husband that I have no intention of meeting her, and asked that she never call me again. She has continued to contact me. I have complete custody of the children. The only time he spends time with them is when he comes to my home. The girlfriend recently called me again saying that is time that we meet and that she had a gift for my daughter and she let me know that they are now living together. I have become outraged by the way both of them are handeling this. Despite our separation my husband and I have been very cordial in the co-parenting of our children. The girlfriend is ready to be a part of my children’s life. We have filed for divorce. We have not yet talked with the children about the finality of our relationship. Because I have to learn of my husband’s tantics from his girlfriend and I feel as though they have no regard for my feelings and the well being of our children, I no longer what to ever see my husband. It is too painful. I don’t know what to do about the kids and how to handle visitation with their dad. I’m not ready for them to meet his girlfriend and I am sure it would be too much of a shock for them too. My children’s ages are 12,10 and 5. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

 

[AdriannaJean]

You do not have to invite this woman into your home!

Sorry, just had to get that out. Is this the woman that the affair had been going on with? The audacity of this makes me want to hit something. This woman and your husband have completely disregarded the vows you and your husband made TO GOD, they weren’t promises to each-other.

Though, while not spending time with her, do not be uncharitable when you speak with her. Explain to her, maybe in a letter, the reasons you cannot meet her. Explain your Catholic beliefs, which include divorce without annulment as a sin. You cannot disregard your conscience by spending time with them. It’s condoning their union which is completely sinful.

Ugh! This rubs me the wrong way!!! That man is YOUR husband. I don’t see how women can do this to each-other. There are 3.5 billion men on this earth, why can’t she have picked another one??!

 

[whatevergirl]

*I’m so sorry Hazel, oh my gosh, this is really nervy of his ‘girlfriend.’

You know, these situations never work out. She thinks she is going to dismantle a 12 yr long marriage, take someone’s husband, take over as mom parttime, and ride off into the sunset? LOL Rude awakening. Your husband will soon see that his kids will want no part of this new woman. This almost looks like my sister’s life unraveling…she dated a married man, he left his wife for her, she thought she would become a pseudo-mom or something, and it never ever happened. Soon after his divorce, the oldest girl resented having to spend time with her dad and* my sister, etc…eventually…the guy cheated on my sister. I wasn’t shocked, she was. So sad. My sister was heartbroken, but it led her back to Christ.

Your husband and this girl will soon see that affairs are not based in reality. When the kids don’t like her, when they see how hurt you are (hard to hide it 24/7) when they see how immoral their dad has become…how immoral his new fling is…the fantasy will wear off quickly. You’re their mom. She will always be the woman who caused their parents to divorce. Trust me. Kids are very perceptive, and what your husband is doing to your family is nothing short of disgusting.

I tell you all of this, because right now, it seems like nothing makes sense. But, really, your sorrow will not be in vain. God’s laws will not be mocked, and your husband carrying on like he is 16, is mocking God. I feel very scared for him, because again, when the fantasy wears off, and the girl dumps him because she didn’t really know that being a mom to someone else’s kids would be work and sacrifice and time…he will be hurting. But, the bright spot is, it will hopefully, lead him back to Christ. Regardless of how your heart aches now, try to pray that for your husband.

I would find a very good lawyer, in the meantime. I would not meet this girlfriend. Please. You don’t owe her an explanation…I feel sad for her though, too. My sister was once in her shoes, and it’s sad to watch people destroy their own lives, and the collective lives of a family. Pray for her and your husband, they need prayers. But, don’t see her. Who is she to demand anything of you? hahaha Absolutely not.

Now, over time, and your heart mends…IF this woman is still in his life…that’s a big IF, eventually you might have to meet her, as she will most likely be in your kids’ lives.

I wonder if there are laws to prevent kids from staying with a parent who is shacking up with another person? There should be!

I’m so sorry this is happening, I will hold you and everyone involved in my prayers. ((hugs))

 

[HazelEyes]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have no intentions on inviting her into my home. I have opened my home to him for the sake of the children and now he is ruining that. One minute we are talking about reconciliation and the next I’m getting a phone call from her. It sickens me how women are okay doing this. I’m just REALLY worried about my kids. I know I will have to break it to the soon. I was going to wait until everything is final. I am very nervous about what she could pull. Buying gifts for my daughter - I’m not a fighting woman but I’ll fight for my kids.

 

[whatevergirl]

Don’t only blame this woman…yes, she is to blame, but he is not an innocent accomplice. He is the main star in this sad movie. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to break it with her–period. Be strong. ((hugs))

 

[estesbob]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have no intentions on inviting her into my home. I have opened my home to him for the sake of the children and now he is ruining that. One minute we are talking about reconciliation and the next I’m getting a phone call from her. It sickens me how women are okay doing this. I’m just REALLY worried about my kids. I know I will have to break it to the soon. I was going to wait until everything is final. I am very nervous about what she could pull. Buying gifts for my daughter - I’m not a fighting woman but I’ll fight for my kids.

Next time she contacts you tell her you are going to get a restraining order against her if she EVER contacts or comes near you again.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I agree with bob. Might sound drastic, but you need to drive the point home to your husband and her, that she is not welcome in your life. *

 

[HazelEyes]

Don’t only blame this woman…yes, she is to blame, but he is not an innocent accomplice. He is the main star in this sad movie. If he wants to reconcile, he needs to break it with her–period. Be strong. ((hugs))

Thank you so much. I needed this type of support today. I thank God for leading me to this forum.

 

[Eucharisted]

Hello Hazel

I encourage you to ask Jesus for the grace of charity, and to act on this grace. Offer your sorrows, your sufferings, and your tears to Jesus for the good of your children, the conversion of your husband and of his girlfriend, and for the good of you yourself.

Jesus knows your pains. God was continually cheated on by Israel, and, when He became incarnate, He took on all your afflictions and tears, suffered through it all, and, what is more, He took on your humanity and He raised it to glory three days after His death. He did the same for each of your children, for your husband, and for his girlfriend. He is there with you, even now, for He has joined Himself to you by taking on your humanity. Jesus really is “God is with us”. Rely on Jesus, trust in Him, and speak to Him, often, of your trials and your sorrow. He will listen and He will let you rest your head on His Adorable Heart.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hazel, you don’t have to answer this, but I was just curious…when you say you and your dh are talking sometimes about reconciling, what does he say? Is he remorseful for this affair? *

 

[HazelEyes]

Next time she contacts you tell her you are going to get a restraining order against her if she EVER contacts or comes near you again.

This was suggested by a family member.

 

[Godfollower]

You absolutely must get a divorce lawyer immediately. Most judges will not tolerate letting the children see an adulterous affair in the works. All other things being equal, this could lead to you getting primary physical custody, with some sort of order to the effect that she not be present during his visitation with the kids.

That will change, of course, once the divorce is final, because the civil law recognizes divorce and remarriage. But the primary physical custody might remain with you.

It’s all hypothetical, of course, but a lawyer could really help out here.

As for the mistress calling you, if you don’t want to go the legal route with her, you might consider asking the telephone company to block her calls. Their tariffs prohibit harassing phone calls, and this is one situation that might invoke their procedures.

But, please, get a lawyer. The majority of most lawyers’ time is taken up by cases that would’ve been a lot less expensive and a lot more predictable (and probably more favorable, too) if only the client had gone to the lawyer before anything happened. If you’re going through a divorce, you need a lawyer. Now.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you so much. I needed this type of support today. I thank God for leading me to this forum.

*I also agree with what Eucharisted is saying…this is a test of faith. When we face the utmost betrayals, we must never lose hope in our faith…in God. God will see you through this. Take each day at a time…and know Jesus is there to see you through. Humility doesn’t mean however to have lunch with your husband’s lover. There is no sense in that, God also gave us a brain. Just trying to make you laugh. :hug1: Please feel free to pm me…I will pray with you, if you like. ((hugs)) I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I go back to the ordeal my sister was in, and wow…it’s amazing how lost someone can be. My sister was your husband’s gf…so to speak. I remember thinking, why is she doing this? She admits now, she only thought of herself. So, try as hard as you can, to offer up this woman to God, to change her, to bring her closer to Him.

And same for your husband. God bless–be strong and confident in Christ!*

 

[HazelEyes]

*Hazel, you don’t have to answer this, but I was just curious…when you say you and your dh are talking sometimes about reconciling, what does he say? Is he remorseful for this affair? *

In all honesty, he just turns into a babbling idiot. He talks about all the hurt he has done to me. How he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore, etc. At the time he says all the things he needs to say to keet everything kosher. He says he doesn’t want to lie anymore and that he wants to work on being more honest, (LOL!) Then he says that he is not the Christian husband I need him to be. He goes on a pitty party so that I feel sorry for him and want to try to help him. The Lord has placed on my heart that he will continue to do what he does as long as I am there to keep him from falling. I don’t know how to completely release and let him fall. When he starts to fall, I’m there to pick him up, mainly because he uses our separation as the excuse for his current failures.

 

[dashso40]

I’m sorry for your situation…for the sake of the kids and their well being, the father should be in their lives, as much as it hurts you. You don’t need to talk to the girlfriend, but if she is around the kids, she should treat them nicely, and if I were you, I would make sure of that…your oldest kid is old enough to tell you if she is mistreating them. I have seen many divorced parents and the only situation that works for the kids is if the parents get along and don’t fight over the kids…My heart goes out to you…this is a very difficult situation for you, I will pray for you to have the strength to deal with this…

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hazel–I see. Interesting. I think he is very lost. Not excuse making, but clearly, he is very very lost. Overwhelmed with sin.

Have you talked to a priest about this? Have you sought counseling for yourself? It will be helpful to have someone objective listen to you, and help you through this, also.

I think that your insight into your enabling your husband is a good start for yourself. Your husband choosing to have an affair, is largely based on looking for something/someone outside of himself to resolve an inner conflict. My sister did this–her lover did this. And when that lover doesn’t resolve the inner conflict or sadness, or fills the God-shaped hole, the person usually looks for something/someone else…and on it goes. That is why marriages that begin from affairs, are twice as likely to end in divorce.

As hard as it will be, try to take your mind off of this other woman. Be there for your kids…be there for you. It’s easy to become stressed to the point of getting sick, in situations like this. Take care of yourself. Get rest. Take a hot bath at night. Exercise. These are all things that you can do, to help you cope with this situation as best as you can…and above all…pray. *

 

[HazelEyes]

I’m sorry for your situation…for the sake of the kids and their well being, the father should be in their lives, as much as it hurts you. You don’t need to talk to the girlfriend, but if she is around the kids, she should treat them nicely, and if I were you, I would make sure of that…your oldest kid is old enough to tell you if she is mistreating them. I have seen many divorced parents and the only situation that works for the kids is if the parents get along and don’t fight over the kids…My heart goes out to you…this is a very difficult situation for you, I will pray for you to have the strength to deal with this…

Dash you are right. I just have been so kind in this matter that it has exhausted me. I feel like he is trying to back me into a corner with his girlfriends actions. I just don’t think the kids are ready to see either of us with another person. They still see us together as a family. In their minds they know there is a problem between mom and dad but they also see the possibility of hope for reconciliation. I just need them to have time to process the real change and not get shocked by a new person in their dad’s life. I know it is to come. But, after the divorce and we have time to tell them would be better. I think girlfriend will try to just pop up on them when the least expect it.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Okay, I’m going to be a contrary voice. I was a woman who has watched her ex get engaged twice and neither time was the poor woman even allowed to say hello to me. (That should have been their first clue… he never even formally introduced me to the women he was going to make the stepmother to my children. Then again, he never told the kids before he got engaged what he was up to either…)

Okay, here’s a hug. {{{ }}} Now dry your tears and pour yourself some tea. Let’s talk.

There was a time I would have been crying and outraged like you. How dare the woman! All kinds of words would have been going through my head. Bad ones.

Knowing what I know now, I’d play it differently.

I’d invite her to coffee at a local shop. Just the two of us. I’d have my hair and clothes and makeup flawless. I’d be gracious. Anyone that eager to have an audience with you deserves one!



Give her her money’s worth, darlin!

Bring a long paper on the care and feeding of your husband. Type it out and think it out beforehand. She’ll want to know just how picky he is about you getting the lint off his socks. How he wants to sleep till noon on Saturday and you better keep the kids quiet.

And you’ll need to give the blow by blow of what she must never do to get him angry.

And how to tell if he’s cheating. Outline to her all the signs he used when he was sneaking around with her thinking he was so clever.

And let it be known that YOU will be the one to tell the children if they get engaged. That they aren’t ready for such a shock. Be definitive that YOUR primary interest in all of this is the psychological welfare of your children and that you seem to have to be watching out for that alone because their father is AWOL.

Seriously. She may be a very smart woman who wants to hear from you whether her judgment of your husband is on target. My ex MIL always said if you want to know what a man is really like, have lunch with his secretary and his ex wife.

So she could be sharp as a tack. And bold as brass.

Don’t worry about your children. They know who their mother is. She is trying to be nice to them. You prefer he dates someone who hates them? My kids have a ton of very expensive gifts from long-defunct ex-fiancees.

Saved me the money buying them.



They still have the gifts. Fiancees have moved on.

The key to all of this is to be a little too cheerful and a little too eager to shuffle off the old jerk to the unsuspecting naif. Really… do you REALLY want him anymore? Right now you’re hurting. But even if he came back to you, you’d never trust that he was really working late again. Plus, you will want to meet with her just to make him scared what you’re going to say.

And if you are nice on the surface, when the kids hate her, they won’t be able to say you poisoned them against her. You will come out smelling like a rose.

It’s all how you play it. Right now you have no intention of meeting her. But if you did, you might find out that she’s a confused fool. Or a complete witch (in which case, that’s FANTASTIC! He’ll have fun with that one!) or a lost soul. Or something in between. And it might give you something you don’t have right now… peace and a little bit of understanding. Because this woman has fallen for your husband’s line and lies just like you did. You really have more in common than you think. You share the same taste in men. You may walk out laughing thinking “They deserve each other.”

And maybe she won’t like what she hears about him. And maybe meeting you and seeing your graciousness and seeing your tears over the death of your dream may awaken a conscience in her. That you are a real person, not the bugaboo or the “my wife doesn’t understand me” that he has based his affair on.

She may walk away from him. She may become confused over the difference between his descriptions of you and the reality. Do you really think he told her “My wife is great. That’s why I’m leaving her for you.”

Yes, she has a lot of nerve. Anyone who would cross God Himself by committing adultery has a screw loose. But you can take advantage of the situation and play it smart and come out ahead. You’ll eventually have to meet her. The smart thing to do is make it a time and place of YOUR choosing, with YOU ready and with makeup on and emotionally prepared and prayerfully gathered. Do it on YOUR terms where there isn’t an audience. Not when she shows up to pick up your kids with him and you’ve been cleaning out under the bathroom sink and she’s wearing a new linen dress and perfect hair and you’re in jeans and you have sweat pouring down your face.

Choose the battlefield and go show her you’re a force to be reckoned with. Smile till your face hurts. You don’t know it now, but someday she may come to identify with your pain more than you know. He’ll do it to her too.

Your kids know you don’t approve. Meeting with her won’t make them think you approve. She may be the one feeding them breakfast someday. She may be the one calling you about their illnesses. You may need to have a cordial working relationship with her someday. If you don’t meet her, you validate every nasty thing he said about you to her. (Oh, yes he did!) Call into doubt his veracity by not being what she expects. Show them both how strong you are. Now go mess with her head. Good luck.

 

[Godfollower]

Okay, I’m going to be a contrary voice. I was a woman who has watched her ex get engaged twice and neither time was the poor woman even allowed to say hello to me. (That should have been their first clue… he never even formally introduced me to the women he was going to make the stepmother to my children. Then again, he never told the kids before he got engaged what he was up to either…)

{Snip}

I’d invite her to coffee at a local shop. Just the two of us. I’d have my hair and clothes and makeup flawless. I’d be gracious. Anyone that eager to have an audience with you deserves one!



Give her her money’s worth, darlin!

Bring a long paper on the care and feeding of your husband. Type it out and think it out beforehand. She’ll want to know just how picky he is about you getting the lint off his socks. How he wants to sleep till noon on Saturday and you better keep the kids quiet.

And you’ll need to give the blow by blow of what she must never do to get him angry.

And how to tell if he’s cheating. Outline to her all the signs he used when he was sneaking around with her thinking he was so clever.

And let it be known that YOU will be the one to tell the children if they get engaged. That they aren’t ready for such a shock. Be definitive that YOUR primary interest in all of this is the psychological welfare of your children and that you seem to have to be watching out for that alone because their father is AWOL.

Seriously. She may be a very smart woman who wants to hear from you whether her judgment of your husband is on target. My ex MIL always said if you want to know what a man is really like, have lunch with his secretary and his ex wife.

So she could be sharp as a tack. And bold as brass.

Don’t worry about your children. They know who their mother is. She is trying to be nice to them. You prefer he dates someone who hates them? My kids have a ton of very expensive gifts from long-defunct ex-fiancees.

Saved me the money buying them.



They still have the gifts. Fiancees have moved on.

The key to all of this is to be a little too cheerful and a little too eager to shuffle off the old jerk to the unsuspecting naif. Really… do you REALLY want him anymore? Right now you’re hurting. But even if he came back to you, you’d never trust that he was really working late again. Plus, you will want to meet with her just to make him scared what you’re going to say.

And if you are nice on the surface, when the kids hate her, they won’t be able to say you poisoned them against her. You will come out smelling like a rose.

It’s all how you play it. Right now you have no intention of meeting her. But if you did, you might find out that she’s a confused fool. Or a complete witch (in which case, that’s FANTASTIC! He’ll have fun with that one!) or a lost soul. Or something in between. And it might give you something you don’t have right now… peace and a little bit of understanding. Because this woman has fallen for your husband’s line and lies just like you did. You really have more in common than you think. You share the same taste in men. You may walk out laughing thinking “They deserve each other.”

And maybe she won’t like what she hears about him. And maybe meeting you and seeing your graciousness and seeing your tears over the death of your dream may awaken a conscience in her. That you are a real person, not the bugaboo or the “my wife doesn’t understand me” that he has based his affair on.

She may walk away from him. She may become confused over the difference between his descriptions of you and the reality. Do you really think he told her “My wife is great. That’s why I’m leaving her for you.”

Yes, she has a lot of nerve. Anyone who would cross God Himself by committing adultery has a screw loose. But you can take advantage of the situation and play it smart and come out ahead. You’ll eventually have to meet her. The smart thing to do is make it a time and place of YOUR choosing, with YOU ready and with makeup on and emotionally prepared and prayerfully gathered. Do it on YOUR terms where there isn’t an audience. Not when she shows up to pick up your kids with him and you’ve been cleaning out under the bathroom sink and she’s wearing a new linen dress and perfect hair and you’re in jeans and you have sweat pouring down your face.

Choose the battlefield and go show her you’re a force to be reckoned with. Smile till your face hurts. You don’t know it now, but someday she may come to identify with your pain more than you know. He’ll do it to her too.

Your kids know you don’t approve. Meeting with her won’t make them think you approve. She may be the one feeding them breakfast someday. She may be the one calling you about their illnesses. You may need to have a cordial working relationship with her someday. If you don’t meet her, you validate every nasty thing he said about you to her. (Oh, yes he did!) Call into doubt his veracity by not being what she expects. Show them both how strong you are. Now go mess with her head. Good luck.

I don’t really have a problem with any of this (I tend to agree with Liberanosamalo a lot ), except for this: you’re still married to the guy. All of this should wait until the divorce is final. As far as I’m concerned, she has no business even meeting the children until the divorce is over (of course, she has no business dating your husband, but that’s another story), and I think a lot of judges will back you up on that. The divorce courts are filled to the gills with orders saying something to the effect of “and Husband [or Wife] shall ensure that ________________ remains at least 500 yards away from Child at all times and has no contact of any sort with Child, either directly or indirectly, until further Order of this Court.”

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Godfollower, I’m not of the opinion that anyone should be dating or anything before a marriage is officially over. But these two seem to think rules are made for others.

So if there is any chance that a meeting could cause girlfriend to reconsider her course of action, waiting till the marriage is over may be waiting too long.

And for the record, I did put it into my decree that he wasn’t supposed to have anyone non-related over to spend the night with the kids in his house. Of course the same went for me, but I had no problem with that. It was great fun to inconvenience him, though.



My kids were of a similar age when daddy’s antics became apparent to them. I’m still angry that he dismantled their childhood as he did. They’re mad about it too. So they take it out on me. Because I’m the safe person.

I just don’t think refusing to meet with her at this point will help things. But it may instill some doubt in her. After all, if he could do such a thing to a delightful charming person like the OP, he could do it to the girlfriend!

At the very least, if he still goes through with the divorce he’ll have to find a new girlfriend. What does she have to lose?