Confronting my husband and his girlfriend

[graceandglory]

I am recently separated from my husband of 12 years. We have a been separate a little over a year. We have three children. The separation is the result of an ongoing affair. I was informed right before Easter that he has a new girlfriend, she called to introduce herself and to invite me to lunch. …

My children’s ages are 12,10 and 5. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

Check these good people out.

www.beginningexperience.org

 

[Norseman82]

*Too bad we all don’t live closer…we could ALL meet her for lunch.
*

You ladies can meet for lunch…us men will bring the 16 oz gloves and take the adultering husband to the ring to have a “conversation” with him and see if he can see the “light”.

 

[whatevergirl]

norseman!

 

[stringbeanduck]

Tell you what, I told my dad he had to choose between his family and the woman. Personally I don’t think you should let him have both his kids and the woman.He should decide what is more important in life. My dad tried to do that I said, no, never going to happen.

 

[daeve]

You absolutely must get a divorce lawyer immediately. Most judges will not tolerate letting the children see an adulterous affair in the works. All other things being equal, this could lead to you getting primary physical custody, with some sort of order to the effect that she not be present during his visitation with the kids.

That will change, of course, once the divorce is final, because the civil law recognizes divorce and remarriage. But the primary physical custody might remain with you.

It’s all hypothetical, of course, but a lawyer could really help out here.

As for the mistress calling you, if you don’t want to go the legal route with her, you might consider asking the telephone company to block her calls. Their tariffs prohibit harassing phone calls, and this is one situation that might invoke their procedures.

But, please, get a lawyer. The majority of most lawyers’ time is taken up by cases that would’ve been a lot less expensive and a lot more predictable (and probably more favorable, too) if only the client had gone to the lawyer before anything happened. If you’re going through a divorce, you need a lawyer. Now.

That was not my experience. When he wanted to take the boys (8 and 9 1/2) to Disney World with the girlfriend along before anyone even filed for divorce, I said no. He was in the process of getting a court order, when my lawyer convinced me that fighting it would only cost me money I didn’t have and he’d win. He did take them, but she didn’t go. That may have been the only time in the 30 some years I’ve known him that he gave in on anything and I’m still in shock.

I would, however, get a lawyer right away even if you’re still considering reconsiliation. You need to protect your assets and get a court to define his responsibilities when it comes to support. I’ll pray for you and your kids, and even for “them”. Best wishes for you all.

 

[OLHope]

I’d invite her to coffee at a local shop. Just the two of us. I’d have my hair and clothes and makeup flawless. I’d be gracious. Anyone that eager to have an audience with you deserves one!

Bring a long paper on the care and feeding of your husband. Type it out and think it out beforehand. She’ll want to know just how picky he is about you getting the lint off his socks. How he wants to sleep till noon on Saturday and you better keep the kids quiet.

And you’ll need to give the blow by blow of what she must never do to get him angry.

Don’t worry about your children. They know who their mother is. She is trying to be nice to them. You prefer he dates someone who hates them? My kids have a ton of very expensive gifts from long-defunct ex-fiancees.

The key to all of this is to be a little too cheerful and a little too eager to shuffle off the old jerk to the unsuspecting naif. Really… do you REALLY want him anymore? Right now you’re hurting. But even if he came back to you, you’d never trust that he was really working late again. Plus, you will want to meet with her just to make him scared what you’re going to say.

And if you are nice on the surface, when the kids hate her, they won’t be able to say you poisoned them against her. You will come out smelling like a rose.

H I L A R I O U S ! ! !

You get the better end of the bargain, you get the kids, she gets to pick up where the misery left off. A toast to peace!

 

[OLHope]

The funny and sad part in the little 20% of what she is able to do better, she **can only do that because she has no kids, **and very little responsiblity. I have gotten advice on retailiation. I always say no way. I don’t want it coming back at me. When it comes back at them, it will be just what they need for a wake up call.

B I N G O !

In the meantime, everyone is right, I have my kids to worry about. They are my jewels and my gems. They are some great kids.

You are a very lucky person indeed!

 

[iluvmybabies]

I am deeply sorry you are going through this…I am a divorced mother of 3…I met a couple of my ex’s gf’s not meaningfully nor physically but by phone, emails, pics, etc, and because I was actually harassed into it… While we were separated his gfs would always pick him up after he would visit the children. When my daughter would ask whom that woman was, I would tell her daddy’s friend. My daughter was just 7 years old. She’s the eldest of my 3. The boys were 5, and 2 then… Now my children are 11, 9, 6. They haven’t seen him in almost 4 years now…

Back to the gf thing…I never invited those women, never associated them with my kids at all, until my daughter found out a year and a half ago that he was getting remarried. It devastated her because she found out through his spacepage…I was forced to make her one so that “daddy and daughter” could share pics and chats… w.e. Anyhow, well at the cost of her trying to hurt herself and threatening to kill herself. Guess who was the one taking her to counseling? Do you think their father cared? Nope his newfound love was the only thing that mattered to him now…Kids, what kids? Oh those kids? He told me this “well look at the kind of mother they have no wonder our daughter is trying to kill herself!” Yeah…But where is he? Has he cared about him leaving them with such a terrible mother that he has come to their rescue???

That woman has no right in asking you for anything…My ex’s fiance called me so many times, and even wrote to my daughter without me knowing. My daughter told me that she wrote to her…AS upset as I was especially at the email she wrote telling my daughter that " I am sorry we haven’t met yet, I look forward to being part of your life a great big family! I look forward to meeting you soon! Remember I am your friend, I am here for you!!!" My daughter was devastated and hurt, she was so angry and frustrated, confused neither one of us knew how to react but I kept a straight face and started laughing actually, I had to figure out how to play it out…Then I told my daughter “oh honey she’s just trying to be nice…k…if you don’t feel ready to have anything to do with her you don’t have to, and you can let her know if you feel like it ok! I love you!” And gave her a hug and a kiss. She wrote back telling her that she wasn’t ready and to leave her alone…Then her father wrote telling her “I know you hate me for all the wrong reasons but I love you and think of you every day!” I was about to blow something up…I was so furious and frustrated I again started laughing, my daughter looked at me as if I was laughing at her or something and was like “your dad has a great sense of humor huh?!” She was like “what’s he talking about?”! I told her I didn’t know to write to him if she felt like it…She did asking him what he was talking about and ended it with a sad face…

He has disappeared and I was telling my bf that, my daughter walked into the room from playing outside and asked “where did he disappear to?” I was rude and told her I didn’t care where! Which was wrong, right there and then I told her that it was a figure of speech for him not call her nor write to her in over 6 months…Nothing more…She was satisfied with the explanation and then started asking about seeing her grandparent’s this summer…

What my ex has done is unconscious and he will never change. As far as I know his wife left him/separated, not sure why and 4 months ago when I finally got ahold of him I asked how she was and he was like “oh we are great and I have the best wife in the world!” But as soon as I opened his spacepage where all their engagement etc were stored in, all of her notes and love letters and pics etc were all deleted…

I think she woke up and saw the reason why things didn’t work out between us…She did ask me once why things didn’t work out…That she really wanted to hear both sides…But everyone in my life begged me not to talk to her so all I sent her was a nothing…I never responded to her…Sometimes I regret it and wish that I should have so she could have had a warning but it’s none of my business and I shouldn’t even bother with it…And I didn’t…

My daughter wasn’t happy and she wasn’t glad knowing about her father’s lovers…She has always been smart and mature for her age. She always knew what he was doing and what was going on between us, and even though we tried to get along, things between us were just too tense because he just couldn’t handle himself…At first she hated me because he blamed me for the separation and divorce but when she saw that the one taking care of her was me and the one that doesn’t even send her a bday card for her bday is him, she started coming a bit closer to me…We still have issues because I know that deep down she does not like me very much…But we are working on it…

I don’t talk about her father, nor do I care for him…I do pray that GOD takes care of him and guides him…but other than that I don’t care what he does with his life…As long as my kids aren’t part of it I am super happy… Besides they are getting bigger and bigger and on their own they know and will know the truth…I don’t hide anything from my kids…Nor will I ever…

 

[iluvmybabies]

My aunt about 4 years ago was in the same situation…After finding out that my uncle was having an affair, a long distance affair with a much younger woman for a period of about 5-7 years, she was devastated. She got ill and everything. She separated from him and when she did that he took all of their savings, 100,000.00 dollars worth of stocks, bonds, savings, IRA, retirement funds, etc…She almost died from the depression and sorrow, and pain. She couldn’t believe it. Once she knew though everyone knew and things weren’t so fun for him any more…Then the woman demanded more things from him that he was unable to do or give…He spent all that money in a period of 3 years after the word came out. I felt so sorry for my aunt but I knew something was up with my uncle…He always seemed distant from her…But when we are in love you know? They have been married since like, 20 years+ or so… It hurt her a lot…But she got out of her depression and kept on with her life. When he saw how great and independent she was, how sexy she was dressing, how much she looked amazing, lost weight, etc he started getting interested in his wife again…She was taking care of her teen boys and her sons told him they never wanted to see him again…That he was not their father for how he broke their mother…My cousins were around 13-24??? I believe??? They have 3 boys…

They were devastated and were 100% supportive of their mother and whatever decision she made. She went out, they made her, to get distracted, she went dancing and partying and they were happy for her. Rumors floated that she was out and about and her husband-uncle- was surprised he even showed up to one night club she was in and she was all dancing around and stuff…He was jealous…But still remained with his gf…Soon the gf demanded a lot of money and travel etc and he was broke…He was not happy, and then when his wife was filling for divorce including bringing up how whatever was left from their long term saved income he could no longer touch, and his gf heard about it-rumors went about that she left him, he was devastated and heart broken…he came back to my aunt last year begging for forgiveness, and told her that he saw the light and loved her more than life itself…She took him back, their boys were not happy but respected their mother…Her reason-Kids we are married through the church, there is nothing else I can do… I am old and there is no chance for anything else, besides I would be sinning…

So again they respected…

This is no fun matter… Nor an easy one…

As hard as it is to break up or to separate or to divorce it’s even more difficult when children are involved. You don’t need to do or have anything to do with that woman, ever…I know I chose never to interact with my ex’s women and never will…You have to make things clear about her and your children-SHE IS NOT THEIR MOTHER, SHE CAN’T TOUCH OR COME NEAR YOUR CHILDREN WHEN YOU ARE NOT AROUND, and I am sure even if their father is around she has no rights either…unless they were married and since he’s married through the church with you that’s not going to happen…So she’s fooling herself if she thinks that’s going to happen!! LOL And I think you should get a restraining order against her…I was about to get one for one of his women but when I told him what I was going to do if she contacted me again she left me alone…So let him know what you are going to do and make it clear to him that, she’s the woman that is ruining a Holy Matrimony-he is at fault as well, but for the sake of the matrimony if any chance to be saved, just blame her for it, maybe he’ll wake up and realize what he is doing is destroying you both…and the children…

Anyhow, I wish you luck, GOD bless and you will be in my prayers. Stay strong, and keep your head up…It’s never easy to let someone go, and it’s never easy letting your kids know…

Best thing to do about the children, is to just be as honest as possible and tell them that daddy has moved on to a new life?!

And get yourself an attorney…I have heard that there are many that will do probono, or even charge the exhusband, and other’s that will offer their services at no cost, or low cost with low monthly payments to help those women with low income…My gf did that she found one that allowed her to make monthly payments and they didn’t let her exhusband’s gf get near her child at all, he had to come visit/pick up the child by himself and he was keeping the child for the weekend she was not allowed to talk to the child because she as not his wife…Her attorney made sure that if she did touch or speak to the child a restraining order was going to go into effect against the father and his gf…It complicated their relationship so much, after a while she was tired of being put last and started hating his son, his gf left him…But at least the child was never touched or spoken to by her…SO I guess my friend got lucky on that…But like I said anything is possible especially when there is proof of adultery. There are plenty of lawyers that love those cases because of the punishments given to the adulterer…

Again, good luck and God bless…

 

[whatevergirl]

Hazel…I sent you a pm. I’m so sorry.

 

[tampagrl]

You ladies can meet for lunch…us men will bring the 16 oz gloves and take the adultering husband to the ring to have a “conversation” with him and see if he can see the “light”.

I don’t mean to make light of this horrible situation, but I’d be in the front row for that!

 

[stringbeanduck]

You ladies can meet for lunch…us men will bring the 16 oz gloves and take the adultering husband to the ring to have a “conversation” with him and see if he can see the “light”.

Ah heck, forget the gloves man, I’ll go bare knuckles. Kind of gives you a sample of what the other person is feeling in the face.

 

[Julianna]

After you present her with how he likes socks de-linted. You can hand her the official papers wrapped in blue. When she says “What’s this about?”…tell her you are suing HER for “Alienation of Affection”.

I live in NC and it has been done and is legal. If this was nationwide, it is my belief that “honeys” and “studs” who even think they will get sued by going after a “married” person will think twice. Lust goes right out the window when you hit 'em in the pocket pocket book.

 

[TamM]

Okay, I’m going to be a contrary voice. I was a woman who has watched her ex get engaged twice and neither time was the poor woman even allowed to say hello to me. (That should have been their first clue… he never even formally introduced me to the women he was going to make the stepmother to my children. Then again, he never told the kids before he got engaged what he was up to either…)

Okay, here’s a hug. {{{ }}} Now dry your tears and pour yourself some tea. Let’s talk.

There was a time I would have been crying and outraged like you. How dare the woman! All kinds of words would have been going through my head. Bad ones.

Knowing what I know now, I’d play it differently.

I’d invite her to coffee at a local shop. Just the two of us. I’d have my hair and clothes and makeup flawless. I’d be gracious. Anyone that eager to have an audience with you deserves one!



Give her her money’s worth, darlin!

Bring a long paper on the care and feeding of your husband. Type it out and think it out beforehand. She’ll want to know just how picky he is about you getting the lint off his socks. How he wants to sleep till noon on Saturday and you better keep the kids quiet.

And you’ll need to give the blow by blow of what she must never do to get him angry.

And how to tell if he’s cheating. Outline to her all the signs he used when he was sneaking around with her thinking he was so clever.

And let it be known that YOU will be the one to tell the children if they get engaged. That they aren’t ready for such a shock. Be definitive that YOUR primary interest in all of this is the psychological welfare of your children and that you seem to have to be watching out for that alone because their father is AWOL.

Seriously. She may be a very smart woman who wants to hear from you whether her judgment of your husband is on target. My ex MIL always said if you want to know what a man is really like, have lunch with his secretary and his ex wife.

So she could be sharp as a tack. And bold as brass.

Don’t worry about your children. They know who their mother is. She is trying to be nice to them. You prefer he dates someone who hates them? My kids have a ton of very expensive gifts from long-defunct ex-fiancees.

Saved me the money buying them.



They still have the gifts. Fiancees have moved on.

The key to all of this is to be a little too cheerful and a little too eager to shuffle off the old jerk to the unsuspecting naif. Really… do you REALLY want him anymore? Right now you’re hurting. But even if he came back to you, you’d never trust that he was really working late again. Plus, you will want to meet with her just to make him scared what you’re going to say.

And if you are nice on the surface, when the kids hate her, they won’t be able to say you poisoned them against her. You will come out smelling like a rose.

It’s all how you play it. Right now you have no intention of meeting her. But if you did, you might find out that she’s a confused fool. Or a complete witch (in which case, that’s FANTASTIC! He’ll have fun with that one!) or a lost soul. Or something in between. And it might give you something you don’t have right now… peace and a little bit of understanding. Because this woman has fallen for your husband’s line and lies just like you did. You really have more in common than you think. You share the same taste in men. You may walk out laughing thinking “They deserve each other.”

And maybe she won’t like what she hears about him. And maybe meeting you and seeing your graciousness and seeing your tears over the death of your dream may awaken a conscience in her. That you are a real person, not the bugaboo or the “my wife doesn’t understand me” that he has based his affair on.

She may walk away from him. She may become confused over the difference between his descriptions of you and the reality. Do you really think he told her “My wife is great. That’s why I’m leaving her for you.”

Yes, she has a lot of nerve. Anyone who would cross God Himself by committing adultery has a screw loose. But you can take advantage of the situation and play it smart and come out ahead. You’ll eventually have to meet her. The smart thing to do is make it a time and place of YOUR choosing, with YOU ready and with makeup on and emotionally prepared and prayerfully gathered. Do it on YOUR terms where there isn’t an audience. Not when she shows up to pick up your kids with him and you’ve been cleaning out under the bathroom sink and she’s wearing a new linen dress and perfect hair and you’re in jeans and you have sweat pouring down your face.

Choose the battlefield and go show her you’re a force to be reckoned with. Smile till your face hurts. You don’t know it now, but someday she may come to identify with your pain more than you know. He’ll do it to her too.

Your kids know you don’t approve. Meeting with her won’t make them think you approve. She may be the one feeding them breakfast someday. She may be the one calling you about their illnesses. You may need to have a cordial working relationship with her someday. If you don’t meet her, you validate every nasty thing he said about you to her. (Oh, yes he did!) Call into doubt his veracity by not being what she expects. Show them both how strong you are. Now go mess with her head. Good luck.

You are one incredibly sharp tack yourself!! I think your advice is amazing.

Hazeleyes, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You sound like an amazing mother and a loving wife, may god lift your anxieties and grant you peace in your heart.

 

[kresbrook]

Norseman82 - :clapping: