Confused about gay adoption. Help?

[Valley_Lily]

Hello.

The topic of homosexual adoption has been one I’ve been thinking about reccently, and am a bit confused over. I, of course, agree with church teachings that one must think of the best for the child, not the potential parents wants and desires, and that it is better for a child to have a traditional family.

I can agree with all of this. But I can’t help but think there do exist a few, extreme cases where the child could be better off as the adopted child of two men or two women. One statemnt that troubles me is the assertion that it is better for a child to bounce around in foster homes his entire life than to be adopted by homosexuals. I just have a lot of pain trying to agree with this. Where I am, there are MANY foster families, and most make it very clear that they do not care about the well being of the children. They don’t give the children love, guidance or direction, but put on a lovely face in front of inspectors. I can’t help but think some of these children would be better off in a family with love, attention, direction, and two mothers. Or what of older children, trouble children, disabled children, that no one has ever shown interest in wanting? Isn’t it better for them to grow up in a family rather than an instatution?

I know that the stance is that exposing children to a positive homosexual lifestyle can damage them, but…can’t growing up in foster care, without any stability or role models or guidance be just as damaging?

I am troubled by my stance, because I know it’s not in agreeance with what the church teachers, but I can’t get it out of my head. I’m not trying to disagree with the church, at all. I’m just trying to find answers, for I am confused.

 

[hellopeople]

Hello.

The topic of homosexual adoption has been one I’ve been thinking about reccently, and am a bit confused over. I, of course, agree with church teachings that one must think of the best for the child, not the potential parents wants and desires, and that it is better for a child to have a traditional family.

I can agree with all of this. But I can’t help but think there do exist a few, extreme cases where the child could be better off as the adopted child of two men or two women. One statemnt that troubles me is the assertion that it is better for a child to bounce around in foster homes his entire life than to be adopted by homosexuals. I just have a lot of pain trying to agree with this. Where I am, there are MANY foster families, and most make it very clear that they do not care about the well being of the children. They don’t give the children love, guidance or direction, but put on a lovely face in front of inspectors. I can’t help but think some of these children would be better off in a family with love, attention, direction, and two mothers. Or what of older children, trouble children, disabled children, that no one has ever shown interest in wanting? Isn’t it better for them to grow up in a family rather than an instatution?

I know that the stance is that exposing children to a positive homosexual lifestyle can damage them, but…can’t growing up in foster care, without any stability or role models or guidance be just as damaging?

I am troubled by my stance, because I know it’s not in agreeance with what the church teachers, but I can’t get it out of my head. I’m not trying to disagree with the church, at all. I’m just trying to find answers, for I am confused.

One of my friends describes himself as bisexual and he is a GREAT person. In fact, he is basically the sole reason that I am with my wife. I know for a fact that if he was to get into a relationship with another man he would be a great parent, as I am sure his partner would be as well. I don’t think that it would need extreme circumstances for two men or two women to be great parents. To be honest, I am sure that two loving and genuine homosexuals would be better parents than a heterosexual couple that is not as loving.

Mind you that my teachings might not be consistent with Catholic teachings.

 

[BLeev]

One of my thoughts has always been that a child has the right to a set of parents. A set of parents as nature would dictate; the right to a mother and a father. In my opinion it would be an injustice to allow any homosexual couple to adopt because they will never be able to offer that child any semblance of a real family. Even if the child did not know that they were adopted into a disordered situation they would nonetheless be subject to a disordered lifestyle as well to a couple that is living out a disordered love for each other.

I agree that foster homes are not the most ideal of all places for a child to be, but I would still want a child to grow up in as much of a normal family as possible.

 

[hellopeople]

One of my thoughts has always been that a child has the right to a set of parents. A set of parents as nature would dictate; the right to a mother and a father. In my opinion it would be an injustice to allow any homosexual couple to adopt because they will never be able to offer that child any semblance of a real family. Even if the child did not know that they were adopted into a disordered situation they would nonetheless be subject to a disordered lifestyle as well to a couple that is living out a disordered love for each other.

I agree that foster homes are not the most ideal of all places for a child to be, but I would still want a child to grow up in as much of a normal family as possible.

Do you realize that there is basically no such thing as a normal family? There are MANY heterosexual couples that are selfish and immoral. I would MUCH rather have two fathers that love me than a mom and a dad that care more about themselves than me.

 

[shondrea]

Sure, every child deserves a mother and a father, but few get it. I too agree with church teachings, but I feel it’s not very logical to deny a child a family because it isn’t the “ideal” family. My family was FAR from traditional mother-father, but they loved me. According to some opinions, I should have been given to my mother, because it was “natural” and every girl “needs” her mother, but it would NOT have been what was best for me.

I’m torn on the issue. I agree with church teachings, but there are some times where I have to wonder…A loving gay couple is a better choice than a cold and unloving heterosexual one

 

[nablaise]

I don’t think the problem is the fact that we have two men or two women. The Church has many cases where childreen were educated by men only community or women (nuns) only community. Even though even in these cases we had some abuses (including sexual abuse) how much sexual and emotional abuse can we have for people who proffess and a different view of reality?

The problem here is that the child will certainly pick up a disordered world view. And this is itself an abuse.

Well, this is what I think

 

[shondrea]

I don’t think the problem is the fact that we have two men or two women. The Church has many cases where childreen were educated by men only community or women (nuns) only community. Even though even in these cases we had some abuses (including sexual abuse) how much sexual and emotional abuse can we have for people who proffess and a different view of reality?

The problem here is that the child will certainly pick up a disordered world view. And this is itself an abuse.

Well, this is what I think

But can’t they get that just as easily from a heterosexual couple? I grew up thinking divorce was fine and normal and there was nothing wrong with it. I eventually learned different, disagree with my fathers choices, but still love him, for he is the man that loved and raised me, despite his choices.

I just think…homosexual parents is far from the worst thing that a child can be exposed to. Isn’t it worse to force a child to live parent less, to live in a world that says, no one wants you, no one loves you, you’re worthless?

 

[nablaise]

But can’t they get that just as easily from a heterosexual couple? I grew up thinking divorce was fine and normal and there was nothing wrong with it. I eventually learned different, disagree with my fathers choices, but still love him, for he is the man that loved and raised me, despite his choices.

I just think…homosexual parents is far from the worst thing that a child can be exposed to. Isn’t it worse to force a child to live parent less, to live in a world that says, no one wants you, no one loves you, you’re worthless?

Same here. My parents have different view of divorse than the Catholic Church. But I think there is a different between giving someone a drink knowing that they could be poison (considering sanitary conditions around, yet hoping there is none), and giving someone a dring fully knowing that there is poison.

Good intentions don’t guaranty justice. Actually ‘great’ homosexual couple (no physical abuse and trying their best to be loving as best as they can understand) is the more harmful, because it enforces the idea that homosexual marriage is okay, and it could be hard for the child when grown up to know the real truth about marriage, while it causes everyobody else to think that the child is better off that in some hetero couple’s house.

Many couples can be better than our parents as well, but it is still better to grow up with our parents as long as they are loving us good enough.

God bless

 

[shondrea]

I can see all the good points, but I just have a very hard time accepting this stance. It’s not that i WANT to go against what the church teaches, I just find this one to very almost impossible to swallow in some instances. I just do not see how a loving, caring homosexual couple is a worse choice than a heterosexual couple who doesn’t care. If a child has no one, and never had anyone…how could it still be the greater evil? It feels like saying, sorry kid. We’d rather you grow up alone and feel that no one ever wanted you, have identity issues, never feel like you have a place in life and undoubtedly face emotional and mental hardships the rest of your life due to your identity crisis than grow up thinking gay marriage is ok.

 

[Benadam]

Each one of us is a whole. A microcosm of all humanity male and female. Our identity as reproducers of the species is deep but our identity includes a part of us that does not operate through corporeal organs. A part of us is more than who we are as generators of the species. We reproduce because we die. We are more than life that lives on earth then dies as if wee never were. Our identity runs deeper than our procreative role. Each one of us is a microcosm of the whole of man.

Marriage isn’t characterized by love. Love is meant to cement all human bonds in the gift of self. The Matrimonial bond is characterized by 'Oneness" Two will become one. What is the one that marriage characterizes? Mankind, all of humanity. A Child desrves the experience of an environment that is a microcosm of the whole because that is what we are at the deepest level of our being. A child desrves to develope awareness in an environment that will make him/her familiar with the whole of his kind and so exposed to their own wholeness as an individual. This isn’t possible if the child is raised in a family that isn’t able to ‘familiarize’ it with the whole of humanity and the whole of it’self. ’

 

[shondrea]

I can understand that, and I believe it. Gosh knows I wish every child could have the ideal family. But the fact is, many just won’t. And this is where I have trouble. There are children that aren’t wanted. There are children who are never adopted. They may be bounced around from one heterosexual foster home to another and never develop normally, because there is no love, stability or guidance. It’s cases like these, rare and extreme that they are, where I can’t help but think it would be better for the child to be raised by homosexual parents than by no parents at all.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not trying to make a case for gay abortion. I understand that the needs of the child are paramount, and a child deserves a mother and a father. But what of children who simply aren’t wanted by a mother and a father? I just…I don’t want this view, but I can’t see how being raised in an institution, by the state, or by a dozen foster homes who don’t care can be the better option.

 

[Valley_Lily]

Thank you for all the responses so far. There are many interesting things to think about.

How do you feel about homosexuals raising their biological children? Can or should a separated homosexual have full custody of his or her child if it is the best and safest living arrangement?

…ok, that sounds odd. What I mean is more likely bisexual people, who have divorced

 

[Benadam]

I can understand that, and I believe it. Gosh knows I wish every child could have the ideal family. But the fact is, many just won’t. And this is where I have trouble. There are children that aren’t wanted. There are children who are never adopted. They may be bounced around from one heterosexual foster home to another and never develop normally, because there is no love, stability or guidance. It’s cases like these, rare and extreme that they are, where I can’t help but think it would be better for the child to be raised by homosexual parents than by no parents at all.

Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not trying to make a case for gay abortion. I understand that the needs of the child are paramount, and a child deserves a mother and a father. But what of children who simply aren’t wanted by a mother and a father? I just…I don’t want this view, but I can’t see how being raised in an institution, by the state, or by a dozen foster homes who don’t care can be the better option.

I do agree that there are circumstances that would be made better if the child were to find a place to rest and grow secure and safe even if it lacked the qualities that it desrves. I just hate the thought that our society can’t provide that to children without having to place them in an environment sturctured by quasi-husband /wife bonds. Quasi-bonds stucture environments that are not just lack wholeness like a single parent environment, they are environments that distorts the wholeness. If there were a way to allow same sex couples to take care of children and shield them from a distorted perception of human bonds I think it would be ok. That’s why a convent or monastary is a back-up in times past. The human bonds that the child develops it’s awareness in doesn’t present a distorted view of humanity it just didn’t provide the exposure a mother and father could. I think very abusive parents, self destructive parents would present cases where a lack of exposure would be better. I think it would be more harmfull to the child’s soul to develope it’s awareness of the world and it’self in an environment structured in distortions of the human bond. Quasi-husband/wife bonds result from dysfunction situations. Coping mechanisms that have been stretched to extreme into knots almost impossible to untie. They operate at sublime places in our minds. The oneness lost between men and women is the cause of homosexuality. If husbands and wives always loved one another there would be no homosexuals because man would be innocent of the estrangement that makes it possible. Since same sex couples are an attempt to naturalize a mechanism of dysfuntion to offer that environment as a coping mechanism for society would I’m afraid, have an end that can’t justify it as a means of this kind.

 

[Gertabelle]

There are children that aren’t wanted. There are children who are never adopted. They may be bounced around from one heterosexual foster home to another and never develop normally, because there is no love, stability or guidance. It’s cases like these, rare and extreme that they are, where I can’t help but think it would be better for the child to be raised by homosexual parents than by no parents at all.

But what of children who simply aren’t wanted by a mother and a father? I just…I don’t want this view, but I can’t see how being raised in an institution, by the state, or by a dozen foster homes who don’t care can be the better option.

It all comes down to one thought: It is better to be loved than not loved.

Personally, I think the foster system is completely messed up in this country, but that’s a topic for another thread (and tons of prayer).

In the “system” there are indeed children who will never be adopted. The question is, are those loving same-sex couples that you imagine lining up to adopt those children who are being bounced from one home to another? If hetero couples don’t want them, what makes you think a same-sex couple would? The children who are in this system can be challenging, to say the least. Sometimes the problems of a child are physical/developmental, quite severe, and permanent. But often, the children who are bounced around the foster system have severe emotional problems which manifest in a variety of ways: running away, false accusations of abuse by foster parents (yes, the real stuff happens, too, but I’ve had students who report every family with which they get placed – how many same-sex couples are going to welcome and love that child into their family?), stealing, abuse of other children, and violence.

As a single mom, I still consider the possibility of being a foster parent (after I’ve completed my doctorate), so I’ve done some serious research on the subject. Foster parenting isn’t for people who see bringing a child into their home like getting a pet from a shelter – a little training and a lot of love, and everything will be cuddles and play time. Children in the foster care system are often seriously “damaged” by the events that placed them in the system. The type of love they need is strong, committed, and eternal. The parents who can make it work for them need a unique strength, like the kind we know from our faith in God Incidentally, although my career as a teacher has made me strong yet gentle, I would only consider fostering a child who has physical or developmental needs, not emotional – that last group really, really, really need two-parent homes.

By the way, in many states, same-sex couples can be foster parents. As someone who’s “been there, done that” in the homosexual world, I can say I never saw a single same-sex couple that wanted to be foster parents. And I had a pretty large community in that lifestyle. Adoption – yes. But foster parenting – no. Of the dozens and dozens of same-sex couples I knew, there was only one that might have been able to provide the love and stability you imagine would be in abundance in that community. But that couple had no interest whatsoever in fostering a child. Instead, one of them got pregnant.

I guess what I’m saying is that your whole premise is misguided. The children about which you are concerned – the ones who just get bounced around and never have a stable family – are not in that situation because same-sex couples are being turned away. These children are the ones with the highest and most severe needs. Therefore, they need the most stable and loving families, and the families who can provide them with the most structure, strength, and perseverence. As a Catholic, I cannot consider handing over these, our most vulnerable children to same-sex couples. If the system is failing them (and believe me, I know it is) what is needed is an overhaul in the way we deal with our society’s responsibilities to children and families.

Incidentally, I have heard on our local Christian radio a nearly constant call for married couples to consider being foster parents. They even give the number of children still waiting (which has gone down considerably since a coalition of churches began this campaign), and challenge listeners to make Colorado the first state in which there are no children waiting for a permanent placement in foster care or foster-adoption care. This may be a way to overhaul the system from the outside, since those on the inside aren’t making changes.

Prayer is what’s needed. Prayer. Prayer. Prayer.

Gertie

 

[Benadam]

Thank you for all the responses so far. There are many interesting things to think about.

How do you feel about homosexuals raising their biological children? Can or should a separated homosexual have full custody of his or her child if it is the best and safest living arrangement?

…ok, that sounds odd. What I mean is more likely bisexual people, who have divorced

A child’s mom is a mom is a mom. It’s dad is a…well we try eh???

I don’t think the person the mom is bonded with should have any parental rights at all. Not that there can’t be some mechanisms of exception if that person has become soeone the child needs in the absence or death of the biological parent and other relatives. Those situations have to be guarded so as not to become a precedent imo.

 

[St_Francis]

I think the main problem is that the ideal homosexual couple is being compared to the worst of heterosexual situations.

If so many “bad” adoptive or foster heterosexual couples are in the system, then how many “bad” homosexual couples will get into the system?

The thing to do is to get better heterosexual foster parents, *not *to allow people who already have a problematic background into the system.

 

[shondrea]

A child’s mom is a mom is a mom. It’s dad is a…well we try eh???

I don’t think the person the mom is bonded with should have any parental rights at all. Not that there can’t be some mechanisms of exception if that person has become soeone the child needs in the absence or death of the biological parent and other relatives. Those situations have to be guarded so as not to become a precedent imo.

Hey, woah woah, wait, what about fathers getting full custody? It happens in many cases, and rightly so, I should add. (I’m talking any father, regardless of sexual orientation)

 

[po18guy]

One of my thoughts has always been that a child has the right to a set of parents. A set of parents as nature would dictate; the right to a mother and a father. In my opinion it would be an injustice to allow any homosexual couple to adopt because they will never be able to offer that child any semblance of a real family. Even if the child did not know that they were adopted into a disordered situation they would nonetheless be subject to a disordered lifestyle as well to a couple that is living out a disordered love for each other.

I agree that foster homes are not the most ideal of all places for a child to be, but I would still want a child to grow up in as much of a normal family as possible.

Amen. God, through created nature, required that two opposite parents contribute to conception. Male/female conception is the beginning of the individual life cycle, and this same male/female parentage is how the remainder of life is intended to follow. To fundamentally alter this because of a currently fashionable sense of “justice” does a disservice not only to the child, but also to the same-sex parents by accommodating and enabling their disordered lifestyle. We are called to live the truth and to lead others to the truth, as unpalatable as it may be to us.

Love demands no less.

 

[andyandely1997]

For all these people who say, well, having two parents of the same sex is better than a foster home, better than this, better than that, etc. If you & your spouse died, would you want your kids raised by a homosexual couple? Would Christ want a child to be raised by a homosexual couple? A good & loving couple does not override the fact the act of homosexuality is a sin. And pointing wrongs within heterosexual couples relationships does not make it right. A homosexual relationship can never be right in the eyes of God, although, a heterosexual relationship can be right in the eyes of God, if it is faithful to God. The real scandal is our selfishness as adults when it comes to divorce along with having children out of wedlock. We put ourselves first and the kids second. We wouldn’t even be talking about homosexual adoption if it wasn’t for the irresoponiblity of parents.

 

[BLeev]

Do you realize that there is basically no such thing as a normal family? There are MANY heterosexual couples that are selfish and immoral. I would MUCH rather have two fathers that love me than a mom and a dad that care more about themselves than me.

As someone who had to go through a divorce as a child and still gets to deal with much of the fallout that was caused by the whole thing I know what you mean. There is sometimes just as much disorder that comes from a heterosexually based union. The difference is that the heterosexual couple forms what we know of a the nuclear family (only one father and mother and their children) while homosexuals can never form a family as such; there will always be either 2 men or 2 women, and no acting on their part will change that.

Beyond the physical structure of the family there is also the mental health issue. The child that would be adopted into such a situation would be exposed to two mentally unhealthy people (well, for those of us who believe homosexuality is still a mental illness) which will only put his or her own mental health at risk, i.e. never having the right view or perspective of men or women because of the different lifestyle of the ones who adopted them.

There is also the spiritual element. The couple would be living in opposition to the Church because by living together as a couple they are living out that lifestyle. So it is also going to be hard for that child to also be exposed to the fullness of what Christ has given them when their so called gay parents are living outside the Church.