Confused and devastated

  • Thread starter Thread starter Cradle
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

Cradle

Guest
So this may be a variation on a theme but having read through all of the threads I got through search I still don’t really feel like they help me out fully.

The theme: unmarried couple going on short vacation and sharing hotel room, separate beds.

The variation: I feel it is wrong. Boyfriend doesn’t agree. Chaos ensues (see below).

The chaos:
-We dated for six years and were going to get married in a couple more (financial reasons - real ones - please don’t get all sanctimonious and righteous about it). Now we have broken up over this issue (a few days ago).
-His family couldn’t give a rat’s behind about anything but I am an example to my family. So scandal is an issue, and he never really got that because of his family’s ways.
-We have never ‘crossed the line’ in all this time.
-He was a good Catholic when we started dating but a few years in he turned into a CINO. He claimed during our last month that he would go back this Christmas but who can believe that?
-Needless to say we never cohabitated. He wanted to but I vetoed it.
-I have vetoed most of the moral decisions and he was OK with me vetoing this one (vacation issue) for about a year. Then he got sick of my 'never compromising", since he claimed compromise is crucial for marriage. Is it??? Shouldn’t you not be so far in your moral compass that you don’t need to compromise in moral issues??
-We visited a priest to ask his guidance. Priest agreed with me but bf decided he didn’t respect this priest and claimed he wanted a second opinion (another priest).
-All the other priests are extremely busy and don’t have time to be dealing with trivial relationship issues like this, so we couldn’t get a second opinion in time. You can’t go to a counsellor of course because they don’t have the moral authority (heck they probably won’t even get the situation because they are all secular anyway…), so who can you go to???
-He is away abroad until January. He is free to do as he likes and so am I, but I feel like this isn’t right, this break up. It is still eating at me and I don’t know what to do. Problem is this is my first bf/breakup so I don’t know how to tell if God is hinting that this guy is in fact my vocation or if this is just how breakups are supposed to feel, especially after you have shared six of the supposed ‘best years of your life’ (university, mid 20s, early late 20s) and then end up with nothing.
-During our breakup date he put the possibility of just getting married asap on the table. I just don’t know. Is it wise to marry someone who you have huge disagreements on moral issues with???
-I am 28 and he is 26, in case anyone is wondering.
-Sharing a room just feels so wrong but so does not being with him. I don’t know what to do. I have until January to sort this out (unless he finds the true love of his life on this exchange program he is in…).
 
Thank your lucky stars that you did not marry him. All the signs have been there for a long time, you have beene ignoring them.

Take this as the blessing that it is and do not look back. Find a good, Catholic man and you will then see what you had before for what it was.
 
Could you elaborate as to what brought you to that conclusion? It may help to resolve things in my mind if I see the reasoning behind your call. Thank you!

Also I want to add that his friends’ bad advice (wimpy Catholics) also added to the fire, because if you see all the Catholics around you doing this or at least saying ‘it’s not a big deal’, what is one to think? A word to those who think scandal doesn’t exist!!!
 
Cradle said:
Could you elaborate as to what brought you to that conclusion? It may help to resolve things in my mind if I see the reasoning behind your call. Thank you!
Click to expand...
Been there, done that, came out the other side.

When I was your age, I did similar heavy lifting in several relationships with non-practicing Christians, CINOs, and one outright atheist (of Catholic upbringing). It does not work. You can be the “bad guy” from a moral standpoint for only so long. It will wear you down or wear you out. And as much work as you have done to try to keep this relationship going is nothing compared to the misery ahead if you were to marry and have children.

I am married to the most wonderful example of Catholic manhood, God has blesed me beyond measure. There are no arguments about faith or morals. No need to compromise. No need to cajole or beg or suffer silently alone at Mass. There are only two people doing their best to get each other to Heaven, serve God here on earth, and love each other as Christ loves his bride the Church.
Cradle said:
Also I want to add that his friends’ bad advice (wimpy Catholics) also added to the fire, because if you see all the Catholics around you doing this or at least saying ‘it’s not a big deal’, what is one to think?
Click to expand...
Do not make excuses for him.
Cradle said:
A word to those who think scandal doesn’t exist!!!
Click to expand...
Scandal does exist. But he is a 26 year old man. He is not going to change, honey. Give up that fantasy now.
 
I think you are right to take the moral high road in all these types of issues because if you compromise on small things it paves the way for compromising on big things. In your bf’s defense though, if he has been good about your standards for six years already, he seems like a patient and self controlled sort of guy. 6 years (and more to come) of loving someone and having no end in sight to the celibate state, is really quite difficult especially for guys. Could you aim a little lower in your standard of living in order to get married or are you already rock bottom financially?
 
LongingSoul said:
Could you aim a little lower in your standard of living in order to get married or are you already rock bottom financially?
Click to expand...
Please note his urging to get married quickly now that she has asserted herself and not backed down, which is a huge red flag!
 
He thinks you should or could “compromise” on moral principles? No way. Does he seek compromise on the ten commandments? This breakup is a blessing for you.
 
Cradle said:
-During our breakup date he put the possibility of just getting married asap on the table. I just don’t know. Is it wise to marry someone who you have huge disagreements on moral issues with???
Click to expand...
No. You’ve had a lucky escape. Take some time to breathe, be single for a while until you are done grieving this relationship, and then move on.

If you choose to get into another relationship, be equally yoked. The two of you need to be pulling in the same direction, and making things easier for each other; not harder.

Don’t be the one doing all the heavy lifting, and don’t ever put up with having to be “the bad guy” when you know you’re right.
 
Cradle said:
The theme: unmarried couple going on short vacation and sharing hotel room, separate beds.

The variation: I feel it is wrong. Boyfriend doesn’t agree. Chaos ensues (see below).

The chaos:
-We dated for six years and were going to get married in a couple more

he turned into a CINO. He claimed during our last month that he would go back this Christmas but who can believe that?​

He wanted to but I vetoed it.
-I have vetoed most of the moral decisions

, since he claimed compromise is crucial for marriage. Is it???

-During our breakup date he put the possibility of just getting married asap on the table.

-Sharing a room just feels so wrong
Click to expand...
He is asking you to change your moral boundaries. You’re moral boundaries should be respected by someone who loves you. You are responsible for setting and keeping your own boundaries.

He seems to have asked you to marry asap or break-up on the breakup date. Those two things are not compatible. You either wish to marry someone or you wish to break up. Marrying asap is not a good idea at any time.

A priest would most likely not think it is wise for you to marry based on the ultimatum “marry asap or break up.” Marriage in the Church normally has a 6 -12 months notice to the priest based on the parish and diocese.

It feels wrong to you to share a room with him on a vacation. He should respect you if he loves you. If he does not respect you today, will he respect your choices later?

Marriage does contain compromises - but one spouse does not ask the other to compromise their morals. You can compromise - housekeeping rules, finances, adventures, etc. You don’t ask your spouse to compromise their faith teachings.

A boyfriend (fiance) does not ask his beloved to compromise her morals to meet his choice.

May God guide you. St. Raphael ~ Pray for you, dear Cradle.
 
Cradle said:
Is it wise to marry someone who you have huge disagreements on moral issues with???
Click to expand...
No. Further, I would NOT recommend rushing into anything. If you are having ANY doubts, listen to them! Keep your eyes wide open, now.

It’s very easy to get married, much harder to stay in it, and more devastating still to get divorced!
 
“Then he got sick of my 'never compromising”, since he claimed compromise is crucial for marriage. Is it???"

On moral issues, of course not. If you were married to an international jewel thief, legitimate compromise would not mean participating in 50% of his heists. Compromise is for stuff like, he wants stir fry for dinner and you want burgers, or you want the kids to do soccer and basketball and he hates organized sports, or you want to host your mother for two weeks and he is vetoing the visit because he can’t stand being around her.

Plus, you’re not married.

I think you know that this relationship is well past its sell-by date.
 
Just want to clear something up-- as I said we had been planning marriage for a long time so it isn’t that he only brought up marriage now that we are both not backing down. He just brought up lowering our standards essentially (as a PP said) in order to marry within the year or even 6 mos (my parish has a 4 month notice, and obviously we’d do pre-cana and all that) instead of the two years we had been looking at, all in order to remove the issue. Also note I haven’t backed down all this time, it was him who backed down until now. Just want to clear up in case you guys get any misconceptions, I should be fair to him also because he is a good man just not a good Catholic man anymore 😦

Again if we did not have these disagreements I would be OK with having a smaller wedding, renting a cheaper place than imagined, getting a less fantastic dress, suffering more to pay off student loans, etc. But we do, and so is it really wise to marry someone who isn’t entirely with the Church and so not entirely with you?? Doesn’t that sound like a recipe for disaster like some of you guys have said.

And I don’t think I will be looking for a relationship for a long time. No rebounds for me.

Prayers are very very very much appreciated, thank you.

1ke thank you for answering my question, it does wear you out to constantly have to do the heavy lifting morally especially when you never expected to do this way back in the beginning…

I feel like I have had six years of my life stolen from me 😦 And how do you invest nearly all of you into someone for so long and then boom, there’s just nothing? :’( Also I have to admit I’m really disappointed in the human side of our Church because they have not been there for me at all. A bit angry really.
 
“Problem is this is my first bf/breakup so I don’t know how to tell if God is hinting that this guy is in fact my vocation or if this is just how breakups are supposed to feel, especially after you have shared six of the supposed ‘best years of your life’ (university, mid 20s, early late 20s) and then end up with nothing.”

Of course it should hurt terribly. It would hurt terribly even if you knew for certain that he was totally wrong for you. It hurts terribly even to break up with somebody you’ve dated a much shorter period of time who is totally wrong for you.

By the way, these are not the “best years of your life.” The best years of your life will be when you find your future husband and get married. It’s unfortunate that you’ve spent so much of your 20s with a guy who is kind of a jerk, but it won’t be wasted if you study the situation and figure out how not to wind up there again and what things are non-negotiable for you.

“-During our breakup date he put the possibility of just getting married asap on the table. I just don’t know. Is it wise to marry someone who you have huge disagreements on moral issues with??”

No.

If you met this guy today for the first time, would you want to marry him? Would you think that he would be a good husband to you and a good father to your future children?
 
Cradle said:
So this may be a variation on a theme but having read through all of the threads I got through search I still don’t really feel like they help me out fully.

The theme: unmarried couple going on short vacation and sharing hotel room, separate beds.

The variation: I feel it is wrong. Boyfriend doesn’t agree. Chaos ensues (see below).

The chaos:
-We dated for six years and were going to get married in a couple more (financial reasons - real ones - please don’t get all sanctimonious and righteous about it). Now we have broken up over this issue (a few days ago).
-His family couldn’t give a rat’s behind about anything but I am an example to my family. So scandal is an issue, and he never really got that because of his family’s ways.
-We have never ‘crossed the line’ in all this time.
-He was a good Catholic when we started dating but a few years in he turned into a CINO. He claimed during our last month that he would go back this Christmas but who can believe that?
-Needless to say we never cohabitated. He wanted to but I vetoed it.
-I have vetoed most of the moral decisions and he was OK with me vetoing this one (vacation issue) for about a year. Then he got sick of my 'never compromising", since he claimed compromise is crucial for marriage. Is it??? Shouldn’t you not be so far in your moral compass that you don’t need to compromise in moral issues??
-We visited a priest to ask his guidance. Priest agreed with me but bf decided he didn’t respect this priest and claimed he wanted a second opinion (another priest).
-All the other priests are extremely busy and don’t have time to be dealing with trivial relationship issues like this, so we couldn’t get a second opinion in time. You can’t go to a counsellor of course because they don’t have the moral authority (heck they probably won’t even get the situation because they are all secular anyway…), so who can you go to???
-He is away abroad until January. He is free to do as he likes and so am I, but I feel like this isn’t right, this break up. It is still eating at me and I don’t know what to do. Problem is this is my first bf/breakup so I don’t know how to tell if God is hinting that this guy is in fact my vocation or if this is just how breakups are supposed to feel, especially after you have shared six of the supposed ‘best years of your life’ (university, mid 20s, early late 20s) and then end up with nothing.
-During our breakup date he put the possibility of just getting married asap on the table. I just don’t know. Is it wise to marry someone who you have huge disagreements on moral issues with???
-I am 28 and he is 26, in case anyone is wondering.
-Sharing a room just feels so wrong but so does not being with him. I don’t know what to do. I have until January to sort this out (unless he finds the true love of his life on this exchange program he is in…).
Click to expand...
Dump him. But you shouldn’t have waited so long. Look, you don’t have to get married. Find something else useful to do with your life. Honestly, the guys these days are real duds. They are a product of day care, liberal education, lack of supervision, thirty years of feminized culture, etc., etc.

Linus2nd
 
“Problem is this is my first bf/breakup so I don’t know how to tell if God is hinting that this guy is in fact my vocation or if this is just how breakups are supposed to feel, especially after you have shared six of the supposed ‘best years of your life’ (university, mid 20s, early late 20s) and then end up with nothing.”

Of course it should hurt terribly. It would hurt terribly even if you knew for certain that he was totally wrong for you. It hurts terribly even to break up with somebody you’ve dated a much shorter period of time who is totally wrong for you.

By the way, these are not the “best years of your life.” The best years of your life will be when you find your future husband and get married. It’s unfortunate that you’ve spent so much of your 20s with a guy who is kind of a jerk, but it won’t be wasted if you study the situation and figure out how not to wind up there again and what things are non-negotiable for you.

“-During our breakup date he put the possibility of just getting married asap on the table. I just don’t know. Is it wise to marry someone who you have huge disagreements on moral issues with??”

No.

If you met this guy today for the first time, would you want to marry him? Would you think that he would be a good husband to you and a good father to your future children?
 
Cradle said:
He was a good Catholic when we started dating but a few years in he turned into a CINO.
Click to expand...
You should have ended any thought of marriage then.
I have vetoed most of the moral decisions and he was OK with me vetoing this one (vacation issue) for about a year. Then he got sick of my 'never compromising", since he claimed compromise is crucial for marriage. Is it???
Click to expand...
Moral compromise is crucial for marriage? No. Perhaps you have wasted too much time on the wrong man but wasting even more time is not going to make it any better.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top