Confused, Lost, Sad, Unhappy at times in my marriage

[yjenkins]

I’m not sure if I am posting this in the right section however I will give it a shot. I have been married for 12 years. I am a devoted Catholic however my husband is not. Things have been on and off rocky in our marriage. I have to be honest, our sex life is horrible, I want at least one more child and I feel as if we are no longer on the same page. I am everything my title says. I would greatly appreciate advice from a Catholic perspective.

 

[PartoftheBody]

I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling in your marriage. I’ll pray for you.

I wonder if a marriage retreat, such as Marriage Encounter, might help you and your husband communicate with each other better and get back on the same page. Marriage Encounter is Catholic in origin, but it is open to those of any faith.

 

[yjenkins]

I honestly think we need to sit down face to face with a third party and have myself just vent away and tell him how I really feel. I want to look into his eyes and tell him everything I have been holding in for awhile. I feel like I am suffocating and drowning. I’m trying to stay above water. This is how I feel everyday.

 

[omegapd]

I’m sorry. We will continue to pray for you and him. Be patient. God answers prayers and will steer you in the right direction as to what needs to be done.

 

[yjenkins]

As I am sitting here, writing in my journal, a thought came to mind which was regretting marrying a non-Catholic. I honestly wish I would have never married my husband.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

As I am sitting here, writing in my journal, a thought came to mind which was regretting marrying a non-Catholic. I honestly wish I would have never married my husband.

That is a painful thought, especially when there are children involved. If you hadn’t married your husband, you wouldn’t have your child(ren). I see that you want another child and perhaps he does not and that is why your sex life is terrible? Will he go to counseling with you? It sounds as if it’s time for some help.

You will be in my prayers.

 

[yjenkins]

It is a painful thought however this is how I REALLY feel. He is not what I want in a man, husband or father. Our sex life is not horrible because he does not want another child, our sex life has been horrible for a VERY long time. We have talked about our sex life and we have agreed on ways to make our sex life better however every time we or maybe I should say I want to make it better we are usually on bad terms due to an argument or disagreement which leads to lack of sex. I know I cannot convert him to being Catholic however I can only wish. I’m so miserable it makes me sick.

 

[yjenkins]

He has told me he would go to counseling however if we do go to counseling I would like to meet with a Priest.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

He has told me he would go to counseling however if we do go to counseling I would like to meet with a Priest.

I would suggest that you find a counselor that you both feel comfortable with, and that you meet with a priest on your own, for now. Priests are not necessarily great at marriage counseling. And your husband may feel it’s two-against-one if you are sitting in front of a priest. Do you pray for your husband?

 

[EllieH]

I honestly think we need to sit down face to face with a third party and have myself just vent away and tell him how I really feel. I want to look into his eyes and tell him everything I have been holding in for awhile. I feel like I am suffocating and drowning. I’m trying to stay above water. This is how I feel everyday.

As someone who has counseled couples over the years I agree with your instincts. Often at this point only a third party can get through. I don’t know if you have a priest that you and your husband mutually trust but that is a starting point. Especially if the priest is familiar with other counselors that he feels share sound and solid Catholic values that can understand the religious implications as well as the emotional implications of your situation.

As well my experience has been that the men are the most resistant to seeking help. If he is somewhat work able and you cannot get the ideal situation with your priest then perhaps he may feel more reasonable if you encourage him to pick a counselor of his choice. Getting started is most important as the longer this goes on the more difficult it is to correct. Finally, your prayers in his and yours behalf are powerful powerful tools which must be embraced. If he will not work at all then only the Lord can soften a mans heart effectively.

 

[EllieH]

As I am sitting here, writing in my journal, a thought came to mind which was regretting marrying a non-Catholic. I honestly wish I would have never married my husband.

If I may be candid, focusing on the past most likely will only interfere with the future. I know many members who owe their conversion to a loving patient spouse who endured much in their behalf. This is not an easy path but if he states he will start with a counselor then he has opened a door that has a hope of healing. Perhaps where you see your priest as valuable moral support it might be wise for you to work with him individually while you and your husband work in an environment that he is comfortable with.

He may hold the religious differences as part of the problem and may take umbrage at any council they might offer. You are probably the best judge of these things - just tossing out a couple of ideas.

 

[yjenkins]

I do pray for him and our marriage. I will be seeing my Priest next week to discuss my concerns and thoughts.I will ask my husband if he would consider picking a counselor for both of us to see together. In the mean time, I will meet with my Priest and go from there. Unfortunately he will be deploying (we are a military family) this Sunday and will not be home for a few months, possibly less which means our problems will be left up in the air. Right now we are not speaking to each other, we have not said anything to each other since early this afternoon and it will probably remain this way until he actually initiates a conversation because he does not like it when we are not talking. In the mean time, I will be frustrated and miserable. At this point, my main focus are my children.

 

[EllieH]

I do pray for him and our marriage. I will be seeing my Priest next week to discuss my concerns and thoughts.I will ask my husband if he would consider picking a counselor for both of us to see together. In the mean time, I will meet with my Priest and go from there. Unfortunately he will be deploying (we are a military family) this Sunday and will not be home for a few months, possibly less which means our problems will be left up in the air. Right now we are not speaking to each other, we have not said anything to each other since early this afternoon and it will probably remain this way until he actually initiates a conversation because he does not like it when we are not talking. In the mean time, I will be frustrated and miserable. At this point, my main focus are my children.

I was a religious marriage counselor and am not a traditional marriage counselor. However, I was very successful with mature individuals that were invested in saving their marriage. If I could see that I was not helping or it was over my head I would recommend them to a trained marriage counselor with religious training to match the counsel to their needs.

Since you are having to separate while he deploys, I hope to give a bit of hope for some possibilities. There were several times with others I counseled where I would actually encourage them to separate if it was financially possible. I borrowed upon Paul’s observation in the New Testament:

From your Catholic Bible:

1 Corinthians 7:5

Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.

The verses before this one are helpful as well. However, what I am trying to say is that being apart can be a great blessing in some situations. It removes the day to day discomfort of the anxiety when in each others company and takes some of the pressure off of the aspects of marriage that simply are outside of possibility. Such as intimacy etc.

I will outline the usual approach in hopes that perhaps you may tailor it to your situation.

In these instances, my counsel was to use the time apart to work on self issues. In our counseling we would prepare individual lists of personal things that were affecting the others happiness and the over all health of the marriage. We would identify these things to agree as to which ones were most impacting - again a third part can be very helpful in this discourse. It is imperative that both parties work on this together. After we make the list, I also try to get each party to accept in their mind that the entire problem is their own to solve. This removes an element of blaming the other person when we want to judge them as not doing enough. We simply accept that we can only fix ourselves and this is our responsibility. We also would discuss about expecting perfection…we have to agree to accept each others short coming over the long haul. The list is not about fixing everything just that which is crippling the relationship.

After three months I would, if all seemed to be progressing well, encourage them to start dating again. My goal was to actually minimize interaction to the absolute necessities of requirement. Somethings like arranging rides for children, or sleep overs for the children etc but the real focus was to let the marriage alone for the moment and let time work its magic of providing some healing. After three months if all were agreed intimacy might be appropriate, but this was a careful call. Sometimes, intimacy issues themselves needed special consideration.

In your case, separation is forced on you so if I was going to make a change I would say that if you and he agree, after he deploys each of you take a couple of weeks to let some sense of space and actually a bit of loneliness to begin to arise. In this sense loneliness can drive an increase of a sense of appreciation for the other. Then I would recommend that he initiate a course of letter writing where he focuses on the things he misses and the challenges he is going through. Let him start the letter writing process. My reasoning for this is that usually men are less capable of living without companionship than are women. In this sense women seem to deal better without a man that a man does without his spouse. However, he needs to realize he needs you and at the same time you focus on your needs for him. Stay way away from griping, complaining, moaning and groaning in the letters.

Develop habits of supporting him in his trials. Again a third party would suggest that he should be focused on your trials but I do not know if you can say that to him without a third party only you can guess. But the goal is to stop looking for selfish needs and developing habits of feeling each others pain and happiness.

If possible keep the letters focused on support issues but over time perhaps the equivalent of “dating” through letters can develop. Light on the intimacy as it is difficult for men to put excessive thought into physical needs without suffering for the process. However, be open. Be real and ignore everything I’ve written about time frames etc at whatever point you feel like you have understanding of what is best.

The very most critical thing is that no person can see his and your hearts like God can. Spiritual heeling is always a precursor to physical healing. If you open up and learn to hear His voice you will find you are directed to the events that will best save your marriage if saving is possible. It does take two reasonable, mature individuals and everything I have said is based on that. If it is different, I would tailor the instruction to the specific needs but that outside the realm of this environment.

Do not despair. I have seen God work mighty miracles from this situation many times. I often used to say to couples that they were in the very best time of their marriage and that if they could make it back from the distance they now felt they could come together in ways that they would be closer than ever before. It is hard work, but worth every tear shed, every plea rendered to God for assistance. Godspeed in your efforts.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I like what the above poster had to say. Very good recommendations - I have just finished a course of therapy on my own and many of the things EllieH wrote were similar to what we worked on. Every time I started in blaming my husband for all the problems, my counselor turned it around on me, not in a confrontational way, but gently asking me questions and showing me things from another perspective. The idea of assuming 100% of the problem is brilliant and does break the “but he’s such a …” or “she is always …” pattern.

OP, I am sorry to hear that you are not speaking to your husband so close to his deployment, but I know that when my kids were small and my husband had to travel, we always got into an argument before he left. It made the parting less painful if we were mad at each other. A lot of couples do the same thing. It’s not conscious, it’s just something that seems to happen naturally. Don’t worry too much about it, but don’t turn down an opportunity to reconcile.

You’ll both be in my prayers.

 

[admonsta]

I have had occasions of dissatisfaction with my husband. Then I remembered that it was my duty to love him.

That does not mean I have to feel over the moon in love with him, but I do need to remind myself that he is my spouse, given to me by God, and it is my duty to drag him (kicking and screaming, perhaps) to Heaven. Every time he disappoints me, I should offer it for his salvation. Every time he forgets to do some little nice thing, I should offer it. I should do the nice things and hold my tongue when it won’t help. I should offer every thing I do for him, for his salvation and conversion.

I forget these things sometimes and start to make lists of the things he doesn’t do for me. These are the worst times in my marriage. When I force myself to stop doing this, and to look at his good qualities, to make some sacrifices and to stop criticising him, things get better - for two reasons; first because I’m no longer focusing on the negative, and second, because he notices the change in my attitude, and starts being nicer to me.

May I suggest that you try being nicer to your husband (I am not saying you are not nice to him, but we can all be nicer than we are and I suggest being consciously really nice), don’t initiate any fights, don’t continue any fights. Be pleasant and do everything you think a good wife should do. DON’T expect him to change. He may not, and if not, offer up your troubles for his salvation. But, he might just change for the better, and then you can rejoice.

 

[momtojeam]

I have had occasions of dissatisfaction with my husband. Then I remembered that it was my duty to love him.

That does not mean I have to feel over the moon in love with him, but I do need to remind myself that he is my spouse, given to me by God, and it is my duty to drag him (kicking and screaming, perhaps) to Heaven. Every time he disappoints me, I should offer it for his salvation. Every time he forgets to do some little nice thing, I should offer it. I should do the nice things and hold my tongue when it won’t help. I should offer every thing I do for him, for his salvation and conversion.

I forget these things sometimes and start to make lists of the things he doesn’t do for me. These are the worst times in my marriage. When I force myself to stop doing this, and to look at his good qualities, to make some sacrifices and to stop criticising him, things get better - for two reasons; first because I’m no longer focusing on the negative, and second, because he notices the change in my attitude, and starts being nicer to me.

May I suggest that you try being nicer to your husband (I am not saying you are not nice to him, but we can all be nicer than we are and I suggest being consciously really nice), don’t initiate any fights, don’t continue any fights. Be pleasant and do everything you think a good wife should do. DON’T expect him to change. He may not, and if not, offer up your troubles for his salvation. But, he might just change for the better, and then you can rejoice.

I second this!

Also, I would like to point you to St Monica (St Augustine’s mother). She was married to a Non-Catholic and prayed fervently for his conversion. Eventually, her prayers were answered… so don’t lose hope. Google her… I think she could be a great inspiration and advocate for you.

 

[yjenkins]

I have had occasions of dissatisfaction with my husband. Then I remembered that it was my duty to love him.

That does not mean I have to feel over the moon in love with him, but I do need to remind myself that he is my spouse, given to me by God, and it is my duty to drag him (kicking and screaming, perhaps) to Heaven. Every time he disappoints me, I should offer it for his salvation. Every time he forgets to do some little nice thing, I should offer it. I should do the nice things and hold my tongue when it won’t help. I should offer every thing I do for him, for his salvation and conversion.

I forget these things sometimes and start to make lists of the things he doesn’t do for me. These are the worst times in my marriage. When I force myself to stop doing this, and to look at his good qualities, to make some sacrifices and to stop criticising him, things get better - for two reasons; first because I’m no longer focusing on the negative, and second, because he notices the change in my attitude, and starts being nicer to me.

May I suggest that you try being nicer to your husband (I am not saying you are not nice to him, but we can all be nicer than we are and I suggest being consciously really nice), don’t initiate any fights, don’t continue any fights. Be pleasant and do everything you think a good wife should do. DON’T expect him to change. He may not, and if not, offer up your troubles for his salvation. But, he might just change for the better, and then you can rejoice.

Thank you for the wonderful advice however I do have some questions. How in the world do you go about being nice to your husband when in fact you REALLY do not want to? My problem is that I have wayyyy too much pride and my pride tends to get in the way of wanting to do nice things to my husband. I’m not saying I’m not nice to him however when we are on not so good terms I shut him out and do not say one word to him. Did your husband change? If so, did the fact that you continuing to be nice make a difference? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[momtojeam]

I want to start by saying that I am not qualified to give advise… I have had struggles of my own. However, here is something that I have found to be helpful… something that helps me shift my focus when I find that there is something that I really don’t want to do.

I recently read a book on Fatima. It really helped me to get a better understanding on how sacrifice works. Mary asked the children to offer sacrifices to God… anything can be a sacrifice. For example, the children started eating less tasty food and gave their lunches to poor children. I know this seems off topic, but my point is; anything that goes against our will can be offered to God as a sacrifice. It replaces our will with Gods will and makes it easier to serve others. I have started telling myself in the moment “I am doing this to please you Lord”… not to please my husband or even to please myself (by expecting things to change for my betterment). I hope this helps.

Romans 12:1-2
" I urge you, then, brothers, remembering the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, dedicated and acceptable to God; that is the kind of worship for you, as sensible people.
2 Do not model your behaviour on the contemporary world, but let the renewing of your minds transform you, so that you may discern for yourselves what is the will of God – what is good and acceptable and mature.

I also like the prayer from St Francis:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

As a Christian, it is desirable to be in a role of servitude. Especially when your service is not being repaid or reciprocated. God will see you and repay you for your generosity.

Another really nice prayer to our lady (since I need help with this daily!):

Holy Mary, Mother of God, preserve in me the heart of a child, pure and clean like spring water; a simple heart that does not remain absorbed in its own sadness;
a loving heart that neither forgets good nor feels bitterness for any evil.
Give me a sweet and humble heart that* loves without asking to be loved in return*, happy to lose itself in the heart of others, sacrificing itself in front of your Divine Son; a great and unconquerable heart with no ingratitude can close and no indifference can tire; a heart tormented by the glory of Christ, pierced by His love with a wound that will not heal until heaven. Amen.

Don’t forget St Monica!

 

[Irishmom2]

How in the world do you go about being nice to your husband when in fact you REALLY do not want to? My problem is that I have wayyyy too much pride and my pride tends to get in the way of wanting to do nice things to my husband. I’m not saying I’m not nice to him however when we are on not so good terms I shut him out and do not say one word to him. .

OP, please read what you wrote here again. You need to ask yourself why you do not want to be nice to your husband. You need to talk to someone about dealing with your pride issues.

I just read your other thread, and it seems to me that you want to blame your husband for a lot of things instead of working on a way to fix what you can fix about yourself. Maybe you both made mistakes, but you sound like you just want things to be different. Well that takes work, not blame. It means being honest with yourself and asking yourself waht you need to do, or what changes you need to make in order to have a happy marriage.

 

[Captain_America]

As I am sitting here, writing in my journal, a thought came to mind which was regretting marrying a non-Catholic. I honestly wish I would have never married my husband.

It’s sad to hear this, but I can remember on these forums people giving Catholics advice to not marry pagans or non-Catholics, noting that difficulties can later arise. . . and then getting criticized for this.

I’m a guy. He might want to take this slowly and in a few steps. Go take a long walk in the woods with him and ask him what he thinks God is. Just start with the big, basic question there. Perhaps it will get him thinking.