Confused. My bf threatened me and I don't know what to do?

[JamalChristophr]

Everyone is telling you to get away from him, so will you do it?

I hope you will. Part of you definitely does not want to, I"m sure.

I hope the more rational part of you wins out.

God Bless You!

 

[Convert_in_99]

Pornography, potential cheating/trouble ending past relationships, insulting you, threatening you and intense violence and anger issues don’t make for a good and happy relationship let alone marriage. It’s time to move on. Good catholic men are hard to find, but settling for less than you deserve is not the way to go. You already know this. God bless you dear! :hug3:

 

[SMHW]

Forgive him, pray for him, AND leave him.

I think this pretty much sums everything up.

The only thing I would add is that you need to make sure you are safe if he reacts badly. As someone else mentioned, find a way to pay back the money you owe him. (If possible figure out how to do that before you tell him you are breaking up.) I don’t know your living situation but you might not want to be alone for the next while. This will be good for you because you might need the moral support to be away from him and it will be good if there is someone to keep tabs on you.

I have a feeling he already knows that you might be planning on leaving. You just don’t know how that will cause him to react. He might be relieved or he might try very hard to make you stay.

 

[StGerardMajella]

This one is long, but I really need some advice.

I agree with the other posters thus far. Your soon to be ex-boyfriend has some serious issues. With maturity, and some serious counseling, he might eventually grow out of his ways, but don’t count on it…and don’t bet your life on it, literally.

In the meantime, you need to protect yourself physically, spiritually, and psychologically. Certainly, a break-up and separation are in order. By the same token, you need to also take proactive steps to make sure that he doesn’t end up escalating the violence in the future, or stalking you.

Whether you break up with him in person, or via some other form of communication would be at your discretion. I wouldn’t be caught alone in his presence without a witness or attorney present, preferably someone who is physically strong enough to defend you if he should turn violent. It’s possible you may need to seek the advice of an attorney to get a restraining order.

Either way, you want a clean break, meaning no further communication moving forward.

The most alarming actions are his alcohol abuse, threats, and violent behavior. The rest of his actions are just as awful, but in terms of your physical well-being, the violent behavior definitely crossed the red line.

If he continues to threaten you, you may need to seek legal action, and you may need to take proactive steps in protecting your personal privacy. JJ Luna’s book, “How to Be Invisible”, is an excellent resource to learn safe, practical, and legal methods for protecting your personal privacy. Luna gives real world, practical advice for protecting your personal privacy (and safety) in these situations.

Lastly, once the break-up is final, you need to take some time alone. A year is generally recommended. You need to be careful not to jump into another bad relationship so quickly. Work on yourself - spiritually, physically, and mentally. After being around this past boyfriend and his abusive behavior, you need to build your personal strength so that you don’t find yourself in the same situation in the future. That takes time. Don’t be quick to jump into another relationship.

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.

 

[spedteacherita]

This one is long, but I really need some advice.

My boyfriend (soon to be ex) and I have been dating for almost two years now. We love each other deeply and our relationship has really grown spiritually this last year. We go to Mass together every week, we go to adoration together, and we pray and fast together too. We are also each others best friends. We both even share the same dreams of owning a small farm/homestead together and raising a good Catholic family. I feel I have never dated someone that I’m so compatible with. However, some things have happened that I’m just not so sure I can get past.

The first major thing is when I discovered that my boyfriend had been looking up inappropriate pictures of women for over a year via his facebook. The particular incident that I discovered, he looked at over 300 pictures on a Wednesday evening and then he later admitted he had been struggling with that for a while. I was able to forgive him, but now I get nervous every time he is online.

The second major thing happened about a month ago, I discovered that my bf had been hiding his ex-gf’s number under a man’s name, which he had to have been doing for at least six months because her number used to be under her own name. He apologized and explained that he only did that so I wouldn’t get upset whenever she would randomly text him (he unfortunately hasn’t told her it’s inappropriate for her to still be texting him) but that it was nothing more. I believe him to an extent but I hesitate to not believe there was nothing more going on. He promised the next time she texts him, he would tell her it’s inappropriate and do that in front of me as a means to gain my trust again. It hasn’t happened yet, but I don’t know how often she texts him anyway.

The third major thing, which happened this past weekend, was the worst of them all. We went over to one of his friend’s house to hang out and have some drinks. However, my bf had too much to drink and that’s where things started heading south. It all started with an inappropriate joke that he made about a girl we were talking about; he said “I’d still put it in.” An argument quickly started between us. To understand the next details, I have to explain that I’m currently in between jobs so he used that against me a lot that night. In front of his friends he said, “I’m not the one with no job or money.” I was very embarrassed and I didn’t want it to progress anymore in front of his friends so we left. On the drive home, he started insulting me even more. He told me that I have nothing going for me, that he’s a much better Catholic than I am, that I don’t know anything about the Catholic faith (I converted to the faith when I was 14 and have been a practicing Catholic for almost 10 years now), that I have no job or money, and that no good Catholic man would ever love me. Again to understand the next details, I have to explain that I experienced a car accident about two weeks ago and so had to purchase a new car. My bf was kind enough to loan me some money until the settlement from my insurance came through, which I would pay him back as soon as it did. Because he helped me, he used that against me as well that night. When we finally got to his driveway, I got my stuff from his house and then got back into my car to drive home. My bf ran out of the house towards my car and told me to “open the door or else he will break my window”. He then said “I own this car so don’t think I won’t hesitate to break the window.” He repeated that threat many times and I was scared to open the door for him so I tried to leave the driveway. As I was pulling out of the driveway, my boyfriend punched my window as many times as he could before I could finally drive off. The next day, my bf apologized and begged for my forgiveness. He said he was drunk and that he is terribly sorry for what he put me through. However, I am so hurt and traumatized by his actions that I have not been able to talk to him for the past three days.

I know I have to forgive him as a Catholic, but I’m not sure I can go back with him. He has NEVER done anything like that before to me. He has never threatened me or used violence so I am very confused where this all came from. It was all just so unprecedented and unexpected. He promised to never drink like that again and that he would never do anything like that again to me but now I worry what more is he capable of. He said he would do anything to gain my love back, but I just don’t think there is anything he could do. Was this all just the alcohol? I love him and am considering working together to get past this, but it saddens me deeply and scares me when I think about that night. A part of me feels I am not being very forgiving and compassionate, but another part of me feels I am not being prudent by considering getting back together with him. I am considering talking to a priest together with my bf to try and resolve this but I’m still not sure if I should even bother.

I know you have a lot of emotional investment going on there and it is hard to cut off a relationship but you have GOT to get out of there and now. This is just the beginning but already the signs are there…threatening you - scaring you with banging on your car and then apologizing when he’s sober. My sister has been married for almost 40 years and has hidden this same type of life throughout because she felt she needed to stay with him as his wife. Nobody deserves that type of treatment. Find out now where there is a battered women’s shelter just in case it would be something you need - not saying you will but it would be good to cover your bases.

Please care enough for yourself to get out of it now!

BTW forgiveness does not mean allowing yourself to stay in a potentially dangerous situation.

I’ll be praying for you!!

 

[LongingSoul]

He told me that I have nothing going for me, that he’s a much better Catholic than I am, that I don’t know anything about the Catholic faith (I converted to the faith when I was 14 and have been a practicing Catholic for almost 10 years now), that I have no job or money, and that no good Catholic man would ever love me.

This is not just a random angry drunk insult. This gives you some indication of his toxic true regard for you. Perhaps you suffer low self esteem? Abusive types are attracted to women that they can control by undermining their self esteem. You’ll see once you start to leave him what sort of person he really is. Make it a quick and thorough break I say.

 

[QuasiCatholic]

Totally agree you should kick this guy to the curb. Angry drunks are bad news.

But also wanted to address something you said that will be an issue in all relationships to come if you don’t address it now: You do not own your significant other, and it’s not up to you to tell him that he can’t still talk to his ex-girlfriend.

It’s not at all unusual for people to stay friends with an ex if they broke up on good terms. After all, these are people we saw good qualities in and enjoyed spending time with, or else we wouldn’t have dated them to begin with. I don’t think your boyfriend should have “hidden” her number under a different name, but it sounds like he did it because you were pressuring him to delete her. And frankly, that’s not your call.

If you don’t trust him enough to let him talk to an ex, you don’t trust him period. And you can’t have a healthy relationship without trust.

 

[pensmama87]

Totally agree you should kick this guy to the curb. Angry drunks are bad news.

But also wanted to address something you said that will be an issue in all relationships to come if you don’t address it now: You do not own your significant other, and it’s not up to you to tell him that he can’t still talk to his ex-girlfriend.

It’s not at all unusual for people to stay friends with an ex if they broke up on good terms. After all, these are people we saw good qualities in and enjoyed spending time with, or else we wouldn’t have dated them to begin with. I don’t think your boyfriend should have “hidden” her number under a different name, but it sounds like he did it because you were pressuring him to delete her. And frankly, that’s not your call.

If you don’t trust him enough to let him talk to an ex, you don’t trust him period. And you can’t have a healthy relationship without trust.

Oooooo, I don’t know about this. I think it’s fair to set boundaries about communication with exes. If the boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t agree with you, they’re free to leave the new relationship.

There’s a lot of factors involved, including the exclusivity of the new relationship, the intensity of the previous relationship, and so on. But in general I think it’s a bad idea for people in serious relationships or marriages to entertain friendships with people of the opposite sex that don’t include the significant other. So, if your boyfriend wants to talk with his ex, IMO you should know quite a bit about what was involved in that relationship, and there shouldn’t be any hesitation from the boyfriend on introducing you to the ex and making you a part of that friendship, if your relationship is serious.

At any rate, even apart from that the OP is dealing with an abusive situation and needs to get out pronto. It’s scary, but very, very good that she saw this side of him now than before things got even more tangled up.

 

[wild_thing]

Adding my vote to the chorus. Too many red flags. Praying for you…

 

[Blue_Goose]

Agreed.

I hate to say it, but the red flags are there. “You owe me something; you’re worthless; you’re lucky to have me.” This is how an abuser tries to manipulate a woman.

And the fact that he was drunk is no excuse. If he beat you up would his being drunk make it any better for you?

I can’t tell other people what to do but I know what I would do; leave the relationship before it’s too late.

Fully agree. Things will not get better with time, only worse. I recommend that you do not return.

 

[Sunbreak]

Run. These are all bad signs. Things won’t get any better. Once someone crosses the line and starts threatening you he will continue to do so and then blame you.

 

[lerapt78]

The third part of your post (his behavior while drunk) is what’s most concerning. The alcohol may have indeed been the trigger for the unleashing of his opinion of you, but none of that would have come out unless those opinions hadn’t been privately festering in the first place. The low opinion of you, combined with the physical aggression, is (to me) a clear indication that the relationship isn’t a healthy one.

You both sound to be on the young side, but is a meeting with a priest really necessary? The warning signs are as clear as day, and as such there’s little need to burden him with a problem that a reasonable adult should be able to figure out for him/herself.

My advice would be to part ways, forgive him in your heart, and fulfill any financial obligations you owe him. If the new car is in his name, give him the car and use friends/family or public transportation until your insurance money comes in and allows you to purchase one of your own. If the car is in your name, and he lent you the money for the down payment, reimburse him the moment you get your claim check.

My 2 cents. Best wishes for you, OP.

 

[pianistclare]

Well OP. Where are you?

 

[oldgraymare2]

OP, I know you have a lot of time invested in this guy, but really, he doesn’t respect you on so many levels. You deserve better than a guy that looks at porn, secretly is in contact with his old girlfriend and who is even more disrespectful to you in front of his friends. It doesn’t matter that he was drunk. Think of it as him being so uninhibited that he actually said what he felt.

So he apologized. It’s the least he could do.

Please, borrow the money from your family, pay him back immediately and say good bye.

I agree with Irishmom2.

I would leave this relationship, as it seems that this man is very disrespectful towards you, and is extremely manipulative towards you, as well.

Plus, he was trying to physically damage your new car with you in it, in an extremely violent way. That is just frightening, to even think about that situation. I am glad that you weren’t physically hurt, but that is still a traumatizing experience that you didn’t deserve in any way.

 

[retire_early]

Is this another one of those strange posts, in which a brand-new-to-Catholic Answers-forums-person posts a big, long, tragic drama (in which they are the victim) and claims they don’t know what to do? Seems almost like a repeat of the one posted by"thiscantbe" a few weeks ago. That person got called out for being a phoney and I see they are “Banned” now.

 

[pensmama87]

Is this another one of those strange posts, in which a brand-new-to-Catholic Answers-forums-person posts a big, long, tragic drama (in which they are the victim) and claims they don’t know what to do? Seems almost like a repeat of the one posted by"thiscantbe" a few weeks ago. That person got called out for being a phoney and I see they are “Banned” now.

It’s possible. We are a big forum so we get a lot of trolls. At the same time, there are people who post things like this under new usernames instead of their regular ones, and we do have lots of lurkers who read but never post until they have a specific question. Generally everyone who posts puts themselves in a positive light; I’d call that basic human nature.

The fact that there hasn’t been a response yet by the OP indicates that maybe it was a drive by. I think it’s usually the subsequent posts that identify a troll or not - do they actually pay any attention to the reasonable advice given, or do they continue on in the same vein of “woe is me” (the pattern of the recent repeat offender)?

However, situations like this are common enough, and so is the belief that “well, if he was drunk and it was this one time, it might be OK,” or “he didn’t actually punch me in the face, so it’s not abuse.”

 

[Irishmom2]

Is this another one of those strange posts, in which a brand-new-to-Catholic Answers-forums-person posts a big, long, tragic drama (in which they are the victim) and claims they don’t know what to do? Seems almost like a repeat of the one posted by"thiscantbe" a few weeks ago. That person got called out for being a phoney and I see they are “Banned” now.

It could one, you are right. And since everyone that posted gave the same exact advice, maybe we should all just sit back and wait for an update. If there never is one, that’s our answer.

 

[thequeen]

Is this another one of those strange posts, in which a brand-new-to-Catholic Answers-forums-person posts a big, long, tragic drama (in which they are the victim) and claims they don’t know what to do? Seems almost like a repeat of the one posted by"thiscantbe" a few weeks ago. That person got called out for being a phoney and I see they are “Banned” now.

I believe it is the same person I along with other people on here have told of our past experiences in relationships and how we got the strength to move on from the abuse of these relationships

 

[JamalChristophr]

One of the biggest problems I see in these situations is the massively powerful effect of bonding for women when intimacy has taken place.

That can make it real real real hard for many women to let go in spite of being usually very intelligent and rational human beings in all other regards.