Confused on what are grave reasons

[maryjk]

No, I understand what is meant. But what I mean to say is that my INTENT, mentally, I do NOT want to have a child right now. Am I not sinning then because my thoughts are not about giving myself to my husband but hoping and praying that I do not get pregnant? That’s why I feel like I am sinning. Would that not be having a contraceptive mentality?

If that were the case then every couple that uses NFP to avoid getting pregnant has a “contraceptive mentality.”

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get pregnant.

If I got pregnant right now, I would have to stop taking 3 different medications. Three. I would become home bound and my husband would have to hire outside help.

I really DON’T want to get pregnant. And that is okay. That is why I use NFP.

 

[snarf1978]

If that were the case then every couple that uses NFP to avoid getting pregnant has a “contraceptive mentality.”

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get pregnant.

If I got pregnant right now, I would have to stop taking 3 different medications. Three. I would become home bound and my husband would have to hire outside help.

I really DON’T want to get pregnant. And that is okay. That is why I use NFP.

I get you. But, how does this reconcile with being open to life when I right now am opposed to it and really feel that I cannot handle another child right now? Maybe I am not understanding the correct use of NFP properly.

I’m sorry if I sound very difficult. But, when I got pregnant I cried for 3 days straight and yes, for a brief moment I thought about not keeping the pregnancy (I did confess this). But, I over time got used to being pregnant. After having the baby I got really bad post partum depression (on top of preexisting depression and anxiety) and still having to deal with my preexisting issues. The thought of having another kid sends me in to a total panic right now. But, I feel great guilt about my thoughts and wonder how different they are from when I used to contracept (I am a convert)?

I can see that my reasons for NFP are okay. That you all have acknowledged. But what about my thoughts on the matter?

 

[The_Bucket]

I can see that my reasons for NFP are okay. That you all have acknowledged. But what about my thoughts on the matter?

Well the bottom line is that feelings are feelings. They are fleeting, they are not something you can control. What you can control is your action. You recognize that your reasons are valid and a nagging “feeling” of guilt because of past behavior is not the same thing as actually being guilty of sin. For all you or anyone else knows, it’s Satan trying to eat at your now better-formed conscience in an attempt to make you despair!

The Enemy thrives on feelings. Feelings of pride, feelings of sorrow, feelings of despair, anxiety, infatuation, the list goes on. Feelings can help us bring the Gospel to others because it allows us to connect to one another, but they are also a vulnerability that the Enemy likes to use.

So don’t let him! Understand that you are in the right and when you get those feelings, simply offer up their burden as a sacrifice for the souls in purgatory or for your family or whatever else. Ask the Lord to deal with them and just let it go. I know, it’s easier said than done, but if you take a step back each and every time you get this feeling of anxiety and take purposeful and conscious action to ask God for His peace, you will eventually be able to let it go. That doesn’t mean the feelings won’t come back. They probably will. But you’ll be able to get around them.

Peace to you!

 

[snarf1978]

Well the bottom line is that feelings are feelings. They are fleeting, they are not something you can control. What you can control is your action. You recognize that your reasons are valid and a nagging “feeling” of guilt because of past behavior is not the same thing as actually being guilty of sin. For all you or anyone else knows, it’s Satan trying to eat at your now better-formed conscience in an attempt to make you despair!

The Enemy thrives on feelings. Feelings of pride, feelings of sorrow, feelings of despair, anxiety, infatuation, the list goes on. Feelings can help us bring the Gospel to others because it allows us to connect to one another, but they are also a vulnerability that the Enemy likes to use.

So don’t let him! Understand that you are in the right and when you get those feelings, simply offer up their burden as a sacrifice for the souls in purgatory or for your family or whatever else. Ask the Lord to deal with them and just let it go. I know, it’s easier said than done, but if you take a step back each and every time you get this feeling of anxiety and take purposeful and conscious action to ask God for His peace, you will eventually be able to let it go. That doesn’t mean the feelings won’t come back. They probably will. But you’ll be able to get around them.

Peace to you!

Yes, thank you for that. I will offer the guilt up.

 

[maryjk]

I can see that my reasons for NFP are okay. That you all have acknowledged. But what about my thoughts on the matter?

If I got pregnant I would cry. Three days wouldn’t even begin to be long enough.

I am almost 50. I have Lupus. As I said, I take 3 different medications that I would have to stop taking. I have a physiological problem, so I would be on bed rest for most of the pregnancy. My medical expenses would be out of this world. And chances are, the baby would be very premature. That doesn’t even touch on the other medical problems I have.

Like I said, I don’t want to get pregnant.

But as The Bucket said. What you have are simply feelings. Not actions. And my feelings are the same. Just feelings.

 

[The_Bucket]

Fear is a good thing from a survival standpoint. Fear keeps us from being reckless. Fear keeps us from making bad choices. Fear prompts you ladies to think about the potential consequences of actions related to conception.

Fear is God-given to keep us alive. So I see it as a good thing.

What’s bad is when we allow fear to rule our lives. Acknowledging it and using it as a starting point to come to the conclusion about what action to take is certainly valid and smart. But we cannot allow it to overcome us constantly. That goes for whether it’s fear about what will happen in the future in our Earthly lives or fear about our eternal destination.

Think about the number of times Christ told the Apostles to be at peace. Think of the number of times that “do not be afraid” is written in Scripture. Fear of what will happen if we jump off a cliff is well and good. Allowing fear to rule us is not. The peace of Christ must rule.

 

[Rau]

No, I understand what is meant. But what I mean to say is that my INTENT, mentally, I do NOT want to have a child right now. Am I not sinning then because my thoughts are not about giving myself to my husband but hoping and praying that I do not get pregnant? That’s why I feel like I am sinning. Would that not be having a contraceptive mentality?

Being open to life does not mean actively seeking a baby. It does not mean hoping for a baby. It does not require that one who becomes pregnant should feel happy about it. It simply refers to the practical means you adopt in your sexual relations. Those acts are open to life if they do not frustrate natural processes. A couple using NFP is open to life, and how they feel about having a baby (eg. your feelings now) has no bearing on that.

 

[PaulGH]

Thank you for replying I would love to practice NFP I do try to track my symptoms and avoid sex on those days. But I would ideally like to do sympto-thermal but my irregular sleep habits (napping, staying up late, frequent wakings at night) makes the prospect not to reliable. I don’t know.

If you are having trouble with taking your temperature at the same time each day (which my wife also found challenging), then you could try the Billings method of NFP or the Creighton method of NFP, both of which use only the mucus symptom as an indicator of fertility.

My understanding is the same as that of others here, that you do not need a “grave” reason to avoid another pregnancy, but rather a “serious” or “just” reason. What this means for you is best decided by you and your husband, with prayer being part of the process, and optionally taking advice from your pastor if you want to. No one else can say for sure what constitutes a serious reason for you and your husband, because it can vary from couple to couple.

 

[PaulGH]

Being open to life does not mean actively seeking a baby. It does not mean hoping for a baby. It does not require that one who becomes pregnant should feel happy about it. It simply refers to the practical means you adopt in your sexual relations. Those acts are open to life if they do not frustrate natural processes. A couple using NFP is open to life, and how they feel about having a baby (eg. your feelings now) has no bearing on that.

 

[underacloud]

I get you. But, how does this reconcile with being open to life when I right now am opposed to it and really feel that I cannot handle another child right now? Maybe I am not understanding the correct use of NFP properly.

I think you are overthinking what being “open to life” actually means in Catholic teaching.

From Humanae Vitae, the use of the terms is:

“every marriage act must remain open to the transmission of life”.

All this means is that you don’t use any contraceptive method that closes (or attempts to close) any given marriage act to life. If a marriage act is naturally not likely to result in new life (eg infertile phase or permanent infertility), that is merely nature at work and not you acting to close off life. You remain open to the posibility.

Note also this is not talking about your sex life as a whole in a more philosophical sense, but the conditions of any given occassion. The question of whether you have grave reasons to use NFP (which many of us agree that you do) is different from the question of how one may go about avoiding pregnancy. The Church recognises recourse to the infertile phase (through NFP) as a legitimate means to avoid pregnancy if you have a serious reason. You should trust what the Church teaches on this a feel no guilt…at all.

Does that help explain what “open to life” specifically means?

 

[Rau]

Could we just be careful about the nature of reasons needed for NFP. I see the word “grave” being used. This is not the word the church uses in current English translations from the original teaching. The word “grave” would tend to suggest something close to a “life and death” matter. That is not the teaching. Current authoritative church language uses words “serious” or “just” - a significantly different notion than “grave”. And the Church does not seek to be any more prescriptive - it chooses to give parents the sole right to make that judgement for their family.

 

[maryjk]

Could we just be careful about the nature of reasons needed for NFP. I see the word “grave” being used. This is not the word the church uses in current English translations from the original teaching. The word “grave” would tend to suggest something close to a “life and death” matter. That is not the teaching. Current authoritative church language uses words “serious” or “just” - a significantly different notion than “grave”. And the Church does not seek to be any more prescriptive - it chooses to give parents the sole right to make that judgement for their family.

I also stay away from using the words “contraceptive mentality.”

You won’t find that phrase in Church documents or teaching.

 

[CorieDreams]

Let me tell you a secret;no one can answer this for you. NO ONE. Don’t listen to the person telling you that newlyweds should all just go for it. don’t listen to the women chastising you and telling you it’ll all work out and leave it in God’s hands. Don’t listen to the one who tells you you can go ahead and abstain indeffinately.

Why?

Because all those people may be right, for the right person. But may be horrifically wrongfor another. There is no set of rules for what Just Reasons are. What may be extremely legitimate reasons for you may be laughable for someone else, etc. You and your husband alone can make that final decision.