'Conservative' Catholics- Would you invite your adult child's same-sex partner to family gatherings at your home?

[SuperLuigi]

I would absolutely invite them both into my home. I have friends who choose to live this lifestyle, and we have had discussions where I made it very clear where I stand on the matter. And yet we still meet up for drinks, joke around, and participate in our common interests. You will never be able to share the absolute love, mercy, and joy that a relationship with Jesus Christ offers if you don’t meet people where they are.

I like this post.

 

[Corki]

I consider myself a conservative, imperfect Catholic in need of some perspective. This summer my sister and her same-sex partner were legally wed. My sister’s partner had never been invited to gatherings at my parents’ house, and now that their commitment level has increased, my sister has decided to stay away from places her partner is unwelcome.

I’m hardly a gay-rights activist, but my sister and her partner are always welcome in my home. At the same time, I respect my parents’ right to determine who is welcome in their home.

Here’s where I could use some perspective: Are my parents being unduly harsh, or just practicing tough love?

I don’t think they are being unduly harsh nor would I portray this as “tough love”. You parents are likely heartbroken over the choices your sister has made. As long as they are keeping the lines of communication open with your sister and are civil to your sister’s “partner” if they are at some gathering together (for example if they are all at your home), you should be grateful.

My husband, children and I live close to my parents and see them often, would it be unkind for me to decline their invitations to events where not everyone is welcome?

It would not only be unkind but it would be a serious breach of the fourth commandment. To treat your parents rudely in order to to show “support” for something that is not only immoral but, frankly, not any of your direct business, is not a good thing to do.

 

[Hodegetria]

I’m very conservative and I would invite my child and allow the “friend” to come too, and I’d be as hospitable to “friend” as to any other guest.

That being said, my rules would be explained ahead of time to my child: NO PDA’s and you’re going to present yourselves as FRIENDS to any children or anyone else who doesn’t know the situation. Overnights would be in separate bedrooms or get a hotel, just like any other non-married couple.

I’d do this to keep peace in my family, as it wouldn’t be a holiday or even a family without including everyone, regardless of their “shortcomings”. Our family has alcoholics, addicts, thieves, ex-cons and who knows what anyone does behind closed doors, so they’re all welcome as long as they behave themselves at the family gathering. Life’s too short to be mean to people and cause hurt feelings.

To answer OP’s question–YES, it would be very wrong to disrespect your parents by boycotting their family functions. They have enough heartache!

 

[Kelly_S]

Thanks to all posters who took the time to reply, your responses are so appreciated.

Just to clarify, my parents have ten grandchildren ranging in age from 1 to 18. My sister and her partner both teach high school and volunteer in our public school system (they’ve already taught a couple of my children). They also provide respite care for one of my nephews who has special needs. Their conduct in family settings is very respectful, and they are close to and interact well with our children.

Do you recognize it as a marriage? Your parents probably do not see it as a marriage and you say you respect your parents decision. So why would you show disrespect to your parents?

Btw…what is a conservative imperfect Catholic? Aren’t we all imperfect?

I recognize that my sister is legally married, not sacramentally married. My parents hold the same view, so no disrespect there.

I’m a conservative Catholic in that, I believe in all the fundamentals of Catholicism, even when I find them hard to obey. Yes, we’re all imperfect. I just feel a bit more imperfect than most.

Practicing tough love is meant to change someone’s mind. I doubt that your grown gay sister is going to become straight because she can’t come to family dinner, so don’t even worry about that.

Unduly harsh? Not for us to decide but from my perspective, although I have not been in exactly the same situation, I try to follow the “hate the sin, love the sinner concept”. Our married/divorced/re-married family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried openly sleeping together family/friends are welcome. Our unmarried cohabiting family/friends are welcome. Our gay family/friends are welcome. They are welcome in our home, but they follow our rules (for example, if you are not married you don’t get to sleep together under our roof). If I don’t approve of your choices, I can tell you why I think your decision is bad, but you and your “friend” are not bad. I am not anywhere near perfect, but it is how I think I am called to be.

It’s mom and dad’s house and their rules. You will be seen as taking sides no matter what you do, so do what you think is best for your relationship and family. Maybe you are being called to be the peacemaker. Tough road to hoe.

If I may, I will pray for wisdom and understanding for everyone.

I’ll probably review this post many times in the next few days. I’ve been feeling ‘spiritually exhausted’ over this situation and your words are so insightful and encouraging. Your prayers are very much appreciated.

If your sister ever asks why you go to mom’s house when she isn’t invited, say, “You know how I hang out with you even thought with some of your decisions, and you hang out with me even though I’m sure you disagree with some of my decisions. Same thing with mom.”

I really like this. If nothing else, I’m learning some valuable lessons about boundaries and respect.

 

[Kelly_S]

Bottom line whatever you decide it doesn’t matter what your mother thinks or your sister or you, you need to do what is in the best interest of your children that is who you are the most accountable to God to for the formation of their souls.

I loved your entire post but your bottom line is spot on.

God bless you with a plan.

I could really use it!

I don’t think you’ll ever change a persons heart by using social rejection.

I agree wholeheartedly!

To answer OP’s question–YES, it would be very wrong to disrespect your parents by boycotting their family functions. They have enough heartache!

While I like your point of view, this last part of your response has really given me something to think about, thank you.

 

[Kelly_S]

I don’t think they are being unduly harsh nor would I portray this as “tough love”. You parents are likely heartbroken over the choices your sister has made. As long as they are keeping the lines of communication open with your sister and are civil to your sister’s “partner” if they are at some gathering together (for example if they are all at your home), you should be grateful.

You’re right, my parents are heartbroken. The lines of communication are strained at best though, and it does cause me some concern.

It would not only be unkind but it would be a serious breach of the fourth commandment. To treat your parents rudely in order to to show “support” for something that is not only immoral but, frankly, not any of your direct business, is not a good thing to do.

It is important to me that I not treat my parents rudely, which is a big reason I started this thread. Rather than decline an invitation from them, I might suggest something different. On Christmas Day for example, my siblings and I all visited our parents separately with our families. That way, we got to spend time with them and my sister and her partner were not left out of a big family gathering.

I suspect if we want to see everyone included, my siblings and I will start to host holiday gatherings more often, which has the added benefit of allowing us to serve our parents who have graciously played host to us for so many years.

 

[Ositokc]

You know the second saddest thing about the replies to this thread are in my opinion? The fact that there is any debate at all. This is your sister’s WIFE, the person she loves and wants to be with. There should be no second thought. YES YES YES you invite them to all your family gatherings, she is now your family, together they are your family! Flesh and blood.

“Conservative” Catholics, any people of ANY religion need to realize that their closest family and relatives may NOT be Catholics, Christians or even conservative, and must be able to still love and accept them as family.

And now to the first saddest thing about the replies to this thread in my opinion: The fact that there lingers this backhanded insult that this marriage between your sister and her wife, even remotely begins to compare her to, and I quote: “alcoholics, addicts, thieves, ex-cons and who knows what anyone does behind closed doors.” This hurts my heart that some people seem to believe that being homosexual compares you to the above. :imsorry:

 

[KendraDZ1902]

You know the second saddest thing about the replies to this thread are in my opinion? The fact that there is any debate at all. This is your sister’s WIFE, the person she loves and wants to be with. There should be no second thought. YES YES YES you invite them to all your family gatherings, she is now your family, together they are your family! Flesh and blood.

“Conservative” Catholics, any people of ANY religion need to realize that their closest family and relatives may NOT be Catholics, Christians or even conservative, and must be able to still love and accept them as family.

And now to the first saddest thing about the replies to this thread in my opinion: The fact that there lingers this backhanded insult that this marriage between your sister and her wife, even remotely begins to compare her to, and I quote: “alcoholics, addicts, thieves, ex-cons and who knows what anyone does behind closed doors.” This hurts my heart that some people seem to believe that being homosexual compares you to the above. :imsorry:

I’m very sorry this hurts your heart. Please know that all should be treated with human dignity and love. Love the sinner and hate the sin. In Catholicism, engaging in homosexual acts is a mortal sin. Mortal sin would also include fornicators, adulterers, murderers, those who willfully skip Mass, etc. In all honesty, addicts are probably less culpable for their sins, because they are addicted.
I don’t believe anyone has been cruel on this thread and I believe a lot said they would hang out with the sister.

 

[Lost_Sheep]

To me it would be a moot question.

If I had a homosexual child in a same sex relationship I would have disowned them long ago.

Not even my child would be welcome anymore.

My :twocents:

 

[Kelly_S]

You know the second saddest thing about the replies to this thread are in my opinion? The fact that there is any debate at all. This is your sister’s WIFE, the person she loves and wants to be with. There should be no second thought. YES YES YES you invite them to all your family gatherings, she is now your family, together they are your family! Flesh and blood.

“Conservative” Catholics, any people of ANY religion need to realize that their closest family and relatives may NOT be Catholics, Christians or even conservative, and must be able to still love and accept them as family.

And now to the first saddest thing about the replies to this thread in my opinion: The fact that there lingers this backhanded insult that this marriage between your sister and her wife, even remotely begins to compare her to, and I quote: “alcoholics, addicts, thieves, ex-cons and who knows what anyone does behind closed doors.” This hurts my heart that some people seem to believe that being homosexual compares you to the above. :imsorry:

My sister and her partner are a welcome addition to any gatherings held at my home, the homes of my siblings, and the homes of our extended family. I love and accept my sister and her partner and we share a mutual respect of each others’ very different beliefs. Though it wasn’t me you were addressing specifically, I assure you, I don’t think of my sister or her partner as alcoholics, addicts, thieves or ex-cons because of their same-sex attraction (although people with those issues deserve care and acceptance as well).

I think it’s no problem for you to accept your parents invitations.
At the same time, I hope they would respect your invitations…and if you had a gathering in which your sister and her wife are attending, I’d hope your parents would not stay away.

You should throw some family gathering so that *everyone *can attend!

I don’t know how it’s “tough love” what your parents are doing.

It’s not as though your sister is a child and they are trying to teach her a lesson.
Your sister is a grown-up. All that will happen now is that your parents will not see her at family gatherings anymore.
I can surely understand why your sister would not come if she cannot bring the person she is legally married to.

Your parents obviously feel uncomfortable to have your sister’s wife there…and rather than have your sister attend with her wife, they prefer your sister not come at all.
It’s not a choice a lot of parents would choose, I don’t think.

.

It can be difficult to enjoy a family gathering when there are conspicuous absences. We had a large one at Thanksgiving with extended, out-of-town family and neighbors (including a co-habitating, unmarried couple ) Our mother was in tears by the end of the evening. Our sister was in tears at home. It was tense. I just don’t know if I have the mental energy for that every holiday. It’s getting easier to explain my sister’s relationship to my kids than it is to explain why some people aren’t invited to their grandparents house.

Not to worry, DaddyGirl, my siblings and I do throw parties and invite everyone in the family. Our mother has even started coming lately!

I think some parents will always see their children as little kids. My mother even talks about her need to ‘get us into heaven’. She knows better than that, theologically, I think she’s just very fearful.

To me it would be a moot question.

If I had a homosexual child in a same sex relationship I would have disowned them long ago.

Not even my child would be welcome anymore.

My :twocents:

That kind of shunning seems more in line with the Amish faith. It certainly doesn’t come from Catholic teaching. Still, I thank you for your perspective.

 

[Lost_Sheep]

That kind of shunning seems more in line with the Amish faith. It certainly doesn’t come from Catholic teaching. Still, I thank you for your perspective.

You’re welcome.

Sorry, but I refuse to believe that homosexuality is nothing other than a lifestyle choice. I don’t believe anyone is “born that way.” If you have a SSA it is either because you want to be in such a relationship, or you were raised in such a way as your gender roles were confused.

But I don’t believe there is any genetic predisposition to sexual preference.

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m not particularly conservative, but something about the wife/wife thing doesn’t sit right with me, and I’d have a hard time reconciling it. I might invite but would probably not be comfortable about it.

 

[johnnyc176]

I recognize that my sister is legally married, not sacramentally married. My parents hold the same view, so no disrespect there.

I’m a conservative Catholic in that, I believe in all the fundamentals of Catholicism, even when I find them hard to obey.

But Catholic teaching does not look at this union as a marriage at all. Just because the government calls it a ‘marriage’ doesn’t make it so. If your parents see the union as a ‘legal marriage’ as you claim then what is their objection?

 

[Hodegetria]

You know the second saddest thing about the replies to this thread are in my opinion? The fact that there is any debate at all. This is your sister’s WIFE, the person she loves and wants to be with. There should be no second thought. YES YES YES you invite them to all your family gatherings, she is now your family, together they are your family! Flesh and blood.

“Conservative” Catholics, any people of ANY religion need to realize that their closest family and relatives may NOT be Catholics, Christians or even conservative, and must be able to still love and accept them as family.

And now to the first saddest thing about the replies to this thread in my opinion: The fact that there lingers this backhanded insult that this marriage between your sister and her wife, even remotely begins to compare her to, and I quote: “alcoholics, addicts, thieves, ex-cons and who knows what anyone does behind closed doors.” This hurts my heart that some people seem to believe that being homosexual compares you to the above. :imsorry:

I’m also sorry this hurts your heart. Instead of taking out of context a portion of one sentence from my post, if you read it, this is not a “backhanded insult”. It was an example, from my own life, that ALL are welcome, regardless of their shortcomings. The point was life’s too short to be mean to people by excluding them no matter what they’ve done, not to equate any of those things to her sister and wife’s union.

**I’d do this to keep peace in my family, as it wouldn’t be a holiday or even a family without including everyone, regardless of their “shortcomings”. Our family has alcoholics, addicts, thieves, ex-cons and who knows what anyone does behind closed doors, so they’re all welcome as long as they behave themselves at the family gathering. Life’s too short to be mean to people and cause hurt feelings.
**

 

[12345678]

You know the second saddest thing about the replies to this thread are in my opinion? The fact that there is any debate at all. This is your sister’s WIFE, the person she loves and wants to be with. There should be no second thought. YES YES YES you invite them to all your family gatherings, she is now your family, together they are your family! Flesh and blood.

“Conservative” Catholics, any people of ANY religion need to realize that their closest family and relatives may NOT be Catholics, Christians or even conservative, and must be able to still love and accept them as family.

And now to the first saddest thing about the replies to this thread in my opinion: The fact that there lingers this backhanded insult that this marriage between your sister and her wife, even remotely begins to compare her to, and I quote: “alcoholics, addicts, thieves, ex-cons and who knows what anyone does behind closed doors.” This hurts my heart that some people seem to believe that being homosexual compares you to the above. :imsorry:

I’m very sorry this hurts your heart. Please know that all should be treated with human dignity and love. Love the sinner and hate the sin. In Catholicism, engaging in homosexual acts is a mortal sin. Mortal sin would also include fornicators, adulterers, murderers, those who willfully skip Mass, etc. In all honesty, addicts are probably less culpable for their sins, because they are addicted.
I don’t believe anyone has been cruel on this thread and I believe a lot said they would hang out with the sister.

I agree with Kendra.
I wanted to add, though, that it is impossible for the woman to actually be a wife to another woman, much less flesh and blood. I know gay marriage is legal in many places now, but true marriage as we Catholics believe is not the same as a contract written up by the government.
Also, as parents, we have to try to do what is best for our kids, and sometimes it includes avoiding people setting bad examples. We do need to love every person, no matter what their choices are, and we do need to respect the dignity of each person, no matter how they choose to live, but we don’t need to unnecessarily expose our kids to things that are not healthy. It may not be evident that Johnny and Mary are not married, or that they live together unmarried, so being around them may not affect children the same as if Suzy and Jenna are around them with PDA. Now, there are couples that you can’t tell the difference if they are friends or what, and so each person can evaluate what is best for their family. Treating homosexual marriage as something normal is not what is best for society, and definitely not good for children.

 

[EasterJoy]

I would have to sit down with them and talk about this, just as if they had divorced and re-married. They’d have to realize that I could not recognize their relationship as legitimate. Could they stand knowing that I was keeping my mouth shut about this for the sake of accepting them as people and as acknowledgement that I am in no condition to say, “Thank you, Lord, that I am not like other men”?

If they could not be guests in the home of someone who refused to ever say they were in a legitimate relationship, who would have to say, “this relationship is objectively wrong, and there is no getting around it, no matter how much I like the two of them” if asked, then I would have to respect that. I would have to be ready for them to cut me off entirely, too.

If, OTOH, they were willing to eat with me in the knowledge that I did not condone what they decided to do, then yes, I’d have them as guests. Sure I would. I’d eat in their home. If it were a family member, though, such that I was someone who had been in the position of having the duty to bring up either of them up in the faith, though, the subject would have to be breached.

As for other people, it is not part of our pluralistic culture to refuse to share a meal with those with whom we have deep-seated moral differences. The most you ask is that they don’t require you to condone their opinions and choices as the price of that. There has to be the understanding that deciding not to throw pearls before swine is not tacit acceptance of ignorance, whether the ignorance is honest or willful. If they require that, then you have to bow out. That price is too high.

As for addicts and alcoholics, the price of admission is that they are not using when they visit. No exceptions.

 

[Corki]

I think some parents will always see their children as little kids. My mother even talks about her need to ‘get us into heaven’. **She knows better than that, **theologically, I think she’s just very fearful.

What do you mean by the bolded? Doing everything we can to ensure our children see heaven is one of the central duties of a parent. It doesn’t end when the child reaches some arbitrary age. The amount of control a parent can exert diminishes as a child reaches adulthood but the imperative is still there.

 

[Kelly_S]

But Catholic teaching does not look at this union as a marriage at all. Just because the government calls it a ‘marriage’ doesn’t make it so. If your parents see the union as a ‘legal marriage’ as you claim then what is their objection?

Forgive me, I don’t think I’m answering your questions clearly, but I will try again.

I side with Catholic teaching, as do my parents. I also respect my sister’s view that she is married, though I don’t share that view. My parents consider her relationship to be sinful and do not welcome her partner in their home, so as not to show approval for the relationship.

I urge you, as much as possible to take the focus off of your mother, your sister and yourself and focus on your children. It is a blessing that you are here and asking these questions.

In the end, your mother is hurting yes but she is an adult, has known of this situation for years and will cope with it through prayer like she has been already. Your sister is coping, and if she is angry will promptly bow out and go on her way. You are being stressed out at family events but again, are an adult. Your children are being FORMED, emotionally and especially spiritually. Are they hearing from you that living in a homosexual relationship is a mortal sin? If so, how are you presenting it to them that their aunt is living with another woman? You are in a bind that is for certain, how do you teach your children that a lifestyle is sinful and disordered when with their eyes it looks to them as if it is normal and loving?

Jesus has known from all eternity that you would be in this exact situation at this exact time in your life. This is no accident, He is allowing this to happen in your life, He is walking alongside you right now. Take this opportunity to grow closer to Him. I believe the focus needs to be your family only because your children are your primary vocation, and this situation can have a great impact. Please take care as best as you can.

Thank you for taking the time to post this. You’re right, I’m trying to hash out how to act charitably toward my mother and sister so that I can put our issues to rest and refocus on my own family. I can handle some stress in my family of origin, but I dislike it when that stress steals the energy I need for my primary vocation. As for formation, I teach according to the Catechism and find that children are smart. They get that appearance and reality can be two different things.

 

[Kelly_S]

What do you mean by the bolded? Doing everything we can to ensure our children see heaven is one of the central duties of a parent. It doesn’t end when the child reaches some arbitrary age. The amount of control a parent can exert diminishes as a child reaches adulthood but the imperative is still there.

I agree with what you’re saying about the duties of a parent, but my mother sometimes acts like she alone is responsible for our salvation. As if neither us nor God had anything to do with it. No human being ‘gets us into heaven’. The concern she shows is admirable, but she gives no witness to love or seeking and trusting God, only chastisement and fear.

 

[johnnyc176]

The concern she shows is admirable, but she gives no witness to love or seeking and trusting God, only chastisement and fear.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you (compassion). Go your way, and from now on do not sin again (conversion).”

Compassion for this life, conversion for the next. Both are pastoral and done out of love. Jesus called sin a sin, spoke much about sin, satan and hell. In fact I think he spoke more about the place of eternal damnation than He did Heaven. Could be that we are not used to hearing about it too much anymore from the homilies.

So your mom speaking of the danger of sin could also be a witness to love.