Considering Marrying a Protestant

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Good Morning Church
Good Morning GoLeafGo

I hope you don’t mind me sharing my story.

I will be married for 50 years this coming February.
I was born and raised Protestant, and in fact very anti-Catholic.
I met and fell in love with a Catholic. After several months he proposed, but conditionally. He said he would always try to compromise with me on anything that concerned us but he would never, NEVER compromise on his Catholic faith. We must be married in the Catholic Church, we must not use artificial birth control and we must raise our children to be Catholic.
He told me he loved me more than his own life but he loved God more.
He never required me to be Catholic but the Church required me to have classes in the faith before I could marry in the Church. I believe it was weekly classes for 6 weeks.
I was very impressed by my husbands firm faith. I was also very much in love.
We were engaged for a year and I found that as I listened and discussed different things my objections grew less and less. My husband suggested that since my children were to be raised in the Catholic Church, during this year, I do some studying, so that I would be sure what I was getting my future children into.
I thought that made good sense. I talked to the priest (a very wise man) and he made arrangements to talk to me, himself on a weekly basis. He knew I cut my teeth on scripture and so he approached all my teaching, with our Bibles in hand. He answered every question I asked and backed it up with scripture.
Well Gods’ grace is sufficient!!! I converted before our wedding.
As folks like to say, “the rest is history”

Please don’t make any compromises where God is concerned. If anything, delay marriage until these things are cleared up.
 
First off I must say I wouldn’t even consider marrying a non-Catholic for a few reasons. My first question is are the two of you reading your Bibles together ? Do you pray together? Without her willing assent, you may be entering an invald marriage. This would mean that the grace you two will need to build up you family together won’t be there. God cannot join together two hearts if the one isn’t willing.

As harsh as it may seem, if this friend of yours cannot see clearly why things need to be settled before the wedding, than perhaps the best thing is to let go of your infatuation and offer the heart ache up to God as a sacrifice. Perhaps in time you will be ready for marriage.

As for your “theory” it seems flawed in that you are already admitting that this union would be wrong for you two by saying that after some time in a married state, you are only “hopefully” getting her into an RCIA program not so she can convert, but to try and live a life on two sides of the same street? You’ve already agreed to mortal sin by excluding your Sunday obligation in favor of attending whatever church she may find appealing by then, and expect to make it up by going to a Vigil Mass the night before? Can you see already how far from God’s plan for married life this “theory” is?

As for the “kids” getting the “Catholic sacraments,” correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t this show a little sway in your mind about Sacraments in other churches. Your heart may be telling you that this could work, but you need to make a decision about what is actually best for the both of you. Tell your friend your reasons why and perhaps you may be sowing seeds that will grow to the fullness of faith for her later in life. She may take willing steps in her life later on, and you will probably be married to someone more suitable by then.

May God bless you both.

Peace and all good,

Thomas2
 
P.S. I forgot to mention that the ultimate goal of entering into the Sacarmental life as a married Catholic layperson is Heaven. This goes for you, your spouse and your children. Catholic spouses work together with God’s grace in achieving faith’s goal the salvation of your souls. For this we were made, each male and female. If you’ve begun in a compromised state, how can that happen? Sounds like Russian-roulette only you’re playing with your immortal souls. If you really love this friend of yours, then perhaps the best thing is to let go and let God and pray for her.
 
Now comes the issue of raising kids. She understands that I will not change my faith and that I am actually getting stronger, but she also understands that for us to get married and start a future, we have to come into agreement. Here is what we have come up with, and tell me if that makes any sense to anyone.
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No advice here, just a few issues to ponder/agree on before you get married.
  1. Who is going to be the Spiritual head of this family? This isn’t an old fasioned idea. In fact, many Protestant churches and Catholic organizations have been actively educating their members on the need for spiritual headship lately.
  2. You cannot, in good faith, actively teach your children things that are contrary to the Faith. So when you say,
My compromise would have to be to teach them not to pray to saints and not to pray to Mary.
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are you planning to actually teach you children NOT to do these things or just not teach them TO do these things? World of difference.
  1. Since the plan is to have the children recieve the Sacraments, they will almost for certain be attending CCE or sacrament prep classes. How will you handle the inconsistencies? For example, for First Communion at my parish, the children have to be able to recite the Hail Mary, Our Father and Glory Be and to know how the Rosary is said among other things.
  2. You mentioned your future mother-in-law, so my next question is what role will the grandparents have in this compromise? Do they agree with your plan or at least to keep quiet? For example, I have a brother who left the Church and is now very anti-Catholic. But he sometimes leaves his son with our parents for the weekend. He knows that his son will go to Mass with my parents. No Mass = no free babysitting. 🙂
from your girlfriend:
I’m the girlfriend, yes, we have discussed birth control, and yes he thoroughly agrees and encourages it’s use. Thank you for asking about an area that is private and completely out of context.
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How can a discussion of birth control/NFP be out of context in a discussion of considering marriage? I don’t know where you live but in many diocese NFP classes are a mandatory part of marriage preparation. Marriage preparation classes are always mandatory if you want to get married in the Church.

Again, I am not expecting you to respond, just to consider these issues. Most of these and the points brought up by previous posters are likely to come up in your marriage prep sessions anyway. You may as well be prepared.

Good luck. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
go Leafs–Based on your girlfriend’s (skattas) posts, I suspect you two have more issues than just religion. Could religion symbolize other differences you have? I suspect your Catholic religion is a strawman for other differences. Please pray long and hard, and work through these issues before marrying. You are young but marriage should be forever. And that is a long time if it is not right. God bless you.
 
Peace be unto you both!

Your private lives are touchy, so for charity’s sake I will not discuss it on this board. I’m sure you both know the Catholic requirements.

To the girlfriend, please understand that Catholics, too, believe that we are saved through Christ alone, not through Mary and the Saints. We confess Him as the One Mediator between God and Man. We just believe that all Christians are like one big happy family! If you are concerned about the salvation of others on earth right now, wouldn’t you be concerned about their salvation, and even pray for them, when you get to Heaven? After all, God wants us to be saved, and when we get to Heaven, we are totally formed to His will.

All I’m saying is that there’s much more that unites us than divides us. I don’t think there’s any sin in asking for the intercession of the saints, because we believe that they are totally dependent on the power of God. Just as long as you emphasize to your children to focus on God in prayer, they’ll turn out all right.

I wish you the greatest of happiness and many long years of marriage!

God bless and keep you,

The Augustinian
 
About the children, I believe you should let them decide what faith they will follow. Its only fair…
 
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LoneWolf:
About the children, I believe you should let them decide what faith they will follow. Its only fair…
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LoneWolf–I suspect you are not married, do not have children, and probably are not Catholic. I can not conceive of a married, Catholic parent making such a statement. Anyone who believes strongly in one’s own faith and feels the blessings of their faith could only want to share that blessing with their children. And that is why so many threads in this forum are parents of adult children who struggle because their adult Catholic children are forsaking our faith.
 
Go Leafs Go,

**It all looks so easy now to you. It seems to me that your prspective wife will always be a Protestant and eventually she will be the ruin of your Catholicity. **

I have seen two good Catholic men driven away from Holy Mother Church after they married Protestants, and they are apostate now…don’t attend any Church at all.

**You just see rainbows and bunny rabbits now, just look 10 years ahead.:nope: **
 
go Leafs go:
If we did agree to raise them fully Catholic, how would I explain to the kids that Mommy doesn’t take Communion (because she can’t), or say the Rosary (because she won’t) without making her seem inadequate.

I must admit, that I don’t know of a Catholic girl that has a zeal for God as this one does, and she happens to be Protestant, this is my dillemma. I know she is still seeking truth, I believe that with me she will find truth in time and that it’s my duty as a Catholic to see to it that she hears and see’s the truth.
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I think you are making a huge mistake. Believing you can marry her and change her is wrong. She may change, but that has to come on her own. And, she might not ever change-- and she might get more resistent to your faith over time. Meanwhile you will have discord in the house-- the man is called to be the spiritual head of the household and you cannot be that if your wife is constantly chafing at the yoke. Read what St Paul says-- you are called to be EQUALLY yoked.

My former roommate had a sister who married outside the faith-- with the husband promising to raise the kids Catholic. That was until they actually had kids at which time he refused to allow them to be baptized. It was a very bad realization on the part of the woman that she had made a huge error.

There are faithful Catholic women out there. How can this woman be the “terrific mother” if she cannot lead your children in their catechism-- teaching them by example how to pray, how to worship, Catholic doctrine, how to be Catholic? Remember who will be spending the majority of time with your kiddos-- she will… and they will be absorbing her Protestant viewpoint just by being with her. What’s she going to teach them when they ask questions… what SHE believes.

As for the going to both Churches-- no better way to totally confuse a child.

I am a convert, and my parents were of two different faiths, so I do know what I’m talking about.

Find a Catholic girl who is faithful and practicing. God rewards those who are faithful to Him.
 
go Leafs go:
Thanks everyone. I’m not necessarily looking for support, just opinions, and I see there is a range of opinions. Hearing about your personal experiences truly does help.

Mostly, I all ask you for you prayers first and foremost.

Thanks
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I see that your girlfriend posted that you have discussed contraception and will be using it. This is a HUGE mistake and also shows that you have a lot more to learn about your faith. Contraception is mortally sinful.

Again-- another example of being unequally yoked. Find someone who practices the Catholic faith before you are completely led astray. This Protestant woman is leading you into mortal sin with her beliefs and your “compromises”.
 
If you honestly love her and have sought God’s will, then marry her. God’s grace is sufficient to overcome all difficulties. Ignore the wanna-be prophets of doom who tell you this bad thing will happen.

Contrary to what appears to be a rampant attitude, both Catholics and Protestants are Christians. Yours, therefore, can be a Christian marriage.

But remember this: Your faith is yours. Do not compromise it on any front that leads you or your wife into grave sin. This means, among other things, that artificial birth control must be excluded, and that you cannot ignore the Sunday obligation.

– Mark L. Chance.
 
Everyone else has done so well of tackling your situation on the marriage issue–so here’s something on Mary, etc.

You cannot raise kids Catholic and not teach them the doctrine of the “communion of saints.” It’s part of our creed, and it will be something they must understand and accept at their confirmation. Period.

Here’s how I’ve handled discussion on the topic of the communion of saints with friends.

You know how Jesus says “where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am also” - well, when we ask Mary and the saints to pray WITH us (which is what we’re doing) - we’re asking them to be a part of our prayer group. And we can do this through Christ Jesus, because we are all one body, one spirit in Christ.

What’s confusing is that Catholics say “pray to Mary” - well, the dictionary has two definitions for the word “pray.” Here they are from Webster’s:
  1. To utter or address a prayer or prayers to God, a god, or another object of worship.
    2. To make a fervent request or entreaty.
As you can see, we use definition #2. We are taught from infancy that we worship god alone, but that our brothers and sisters in Christ can pray with and for us, and that it’s a good thing to do to ask them. And, per John 11:25, all who die in Christ are alive–not dead-- and joined in the one body, one spirit in Christ.

A quick analogy: Christ is our internet provider. And we (Christians on earth and in heaven) all log in to connect with eachother through Christ.

One final thing: you need Biblical quotes to back this all up. You can find it here:

www.scripturecatholic.com
globalserve.net/~bumblebee/ecclesia/ecclesia.htm

And - here’s the Hail Mary with all the Bible citations attached. It’s good for a show and tell:
“Hail, Mary, full of grace” (Luke 1:28)
“The Lord is with Thee” (Luke 1:28)
“Blessed art Thou amongst women” (Luke 1:42)
“And blessed is the Fruit of Thy Womb : Jesus” (Luke 1:42)
“Holy Mary, Mother of God” (Luke 1:43)
Pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen." (Acts 1:14)

1:28 And the angel being come in, said unto her: Hail, full of grace, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women.
1:42 And she [Elizabeth] cried out with a loud voice, and said: Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb.
1:43 And whence is this to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?
Acts 1:14 All these were persevering with one mind in prayer with the women, and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brethren.

God bless and good luck.
–Ann
PS: The oral contraceptive pill is an abortificant. And it’s really bad for your health. It almost ruined my marriage, and my husband and I are Catholic. Don’t do it. Take a class in NFP. You’ll be much happier and she’ll be much healthier.
 
Go leafs go:

Your girlfriend wrote: “I’m the girlfriend, yes, we have discussed birth control, and yes he thoroughly agrees and encourages it’s use. Thank you for asking about an area that is private and completely out of context.”

The use of artificial contraception is a serious sin—please be advised that if you are using it, then you may not participate in the Eucharist. Please inform yourself as to the “whys” of the Church’s teachings on this. Also, Christopher West’s book on the Theology of the Body is very good.

Your girlfriend’s sarcasm is out of line: as someone mentioned, the marriage preparation courses will be discussing this.
 
Speaking as a non-Catholic, but as one who has had (and has) to deal with this issue, I would say that the issue is whether you are totally committed to submitting to the Catholic Church. If you are willing to selectively practice certain teachings of the CC, and to not practice other teachings, then marriage to a Protestant could work. If, on the other hand, you intend to practice the full teachings of the CC, then I wouldn’t recommend marriage to a non-Catholic.
 
I’d like to add my voice, as an Episcopalian, to the chorus of voices warning you that you’re being a bit naive here. Your differences with your girlfriend are big enough that you shouldn’t consider marriage unless you can sort things out further. If both of you are entering into this trying to convert the other, you are asking for trouble. A Catholic-Protestant marriage is difficult because of not being able to receive communion together, and because you will have to decide what to teach the children. Your current compromise doesn’t work because you are agreeing not to teach them an important part of your faith. There’s an intrinsic lack of integrity in that. You both need to be free to share your faith with your kids (for instance, you couldn’t ask your wife not to teach the kids her understanding of the “new birth”). If your views of Christianity are so different that this would hopelessly confuse the kids, then clearly you should not get married. Sorry if this sounds harsh. I had to break up with a woman who was Plymouth Brethren (a very conservative evangelical group) and thought I was going to hell because I was considering either Catholicism or Orthodoxy. Later, I dated a Catholic woman who broke up with me because she thought I was “too Protestant.” There were good reasons (obvious now in hindsight) why those relationships wouldn’t have worked anyway, but religion played a role. Now I’m married to a wonderful Methodist woman who shares most of my basic beliefs. We have disagreements, but we are both from an evangelical background with a lot of Catholic beliefs (she has no problem asking for the prayers of saints, for instance, and we both believe that Christ is really present in the Eucharist, though my view is a bit closer to Catholicism than hers), and our disagreements aren’t major. Still, it would be quite difficult to raise children together if I were to become Catholic, which is one of the reasons I’m not going to do that unless it becomes absolutely clear that I have to. Difficult, of course, is not impossible–a marriage in which you can’t take communion together can be a fruitful though painful sign of the brokenness of the Christian world. But there needs to be a deep respect for each other’s faith and a recognition that you share the essentials. If that isn’t present, marriage would be extremely foolish.

In Christ,

Edwin
 
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LoneWolf:
About the children, I believe you should let them decide what faith they will follow. Its only fair…
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Sure, and while you’re at it let them decide whether to cheat in school, take drugs, have sex during childhood and whether or not they should murder people. It’s only fair. Sheesh… Why people think that children need less guidance about the truth of God and His Church than about anything else escapes me, unless it’s because to them faith is just not very important. 😦
 
Don’t do it! Don’t get married. You will be forever wanting her to become Catholic and she will be wanting you to become Baptist. I think eventually one of you will make the switch & I predict it will be you. (wives usually win these fights IMO) Your kids will WANT to be Baptist - it’s more fun at those churches. You sound like a great guy and I’m sure she’s a wonderful girl - you just aren’t right for each other - assuming your religions are important to you both. Better to know that now rather than years down the road. CM
 
Hey there Lone Wolf! About that “let the children decide” liberal mode of thinking - I grew up in one such household, only when I did decide, I found out they wanted me to pick anything but Catholicism. I’m eight years a Catholic and some of my family members still haven’t stopped trying to get even with me for my choice. And since some of the grudges in my family are older than its members, I don’t expect much of a patch job from them at all!

Warning to all of you who think mixed marriage is the way to go when you haven’t found the “right” Catholic guy or gal, trust me, you don’t want to go there.

Peace and all good,

Thomas2
 
Don’t do it! There are so many other things that you can’t even begin to imagine that you are not considering. There is a way that Catholics think that a Protestant doesn’t. If I had to do it over again I would seriously run the other way. This has nothing to do with how nice or wonderful someone is.
 
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