Contempt for the weak

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KomradeGabriel

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Hello back, hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to bring up a topic that’s been on my mind for a while and wanted to hear people’s take on it as it is affecting my relationship with someone.

I am currently an agnostic but I’ve always been very compassionate and credit religion for shaping my character in positive ways. The people I tend to respect the most are kind and humble and merciful. I tend not feel much respect for bullies, jerks or insensitive people in general (although I do try to avoid hating anyone.) I also tend not to like those who intimidate or frighten others, especially the weak and vulnerable.

Now the person I’m referring to has an almost opposite outlook, where they tend to express disgust for whoever is sensitive or shows any vulnerability. They apparently believe that someone who is hurt by mockery or name-calling has a problem. The same applies to someone who cries (gender notwithstanding). They’ve also expressed disgust for those who “cry bullying” because apparently the bully is not the problem, it’s the fact that the victim is “too weak to take it.” I’ve also seen them express irritation for pregnant women who cannot physically carry as much weight as he can (he eventually helps but is clearly annoyed). If called out on his callousness, he will accuse one of being weak as well, so there is little chance to win an argument.

I must say I feel disgusted by this person’s outlook and feel it’s plain evil. I am very saddened because we used to like each other so much and did share many good times together (before I knew this was his outlook or he knew mine). Is there any way to reason with this person? And if so, what would you say to them?

Thank you all for your perspectives.
 
The guy sounds insecure and/or is a bully. I’d call him on it when he starts acting like that. Either he’ll change his behavior or will stop associating with you. I wouldn’t even bother with a discussion until he realizes you won’t put up with his behavior. As to meek, I’ve know some “hard” men who cry, and being the father of 5 children I can assure you pregnant women aren’t weak or meek (a good strong kick in the crotch is nothing compared to labor, let alone the actual birth). Either way you’re better off. I’d also say pray for him, but you indicate you’re an agnostic (though apparently with Catholic leanings:))

Seriously, don’t kick him in the crotch though. I was just
 
oldcatholicguy said:
The guy sounds insecure and/or is a bully. I’d call him on it when he starts acting like that. Either he’ll change his behavior or will stop associating with you. I wouldn’t even bother with a discussion until he realizes you won’t put up with his behavior. As to meek, I’ve know some “hard” men who cry, and being the father of 5 children I can assure you pregnant women aren’t weak or meek (a good strong kick in the crotch is nothing compared to labor, let alone the actual birth). Either way you’re better off. I’d also say pray for him, but you indicate you’re an agnostic (though apparently with Catholic leanings:))

Seriously, don’t kick him in the crotch though. I was just
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LOL, please ignore the last line. I apparently forgot to remove it while revising my post. I think this is a good indicator I need to go to bed.
 
Give him a taste of his own medicine. Find something about him that he is sensitive about (e.g. bald, fat) and tease him relentlessly. If he gets upset, mock him for being weak. Most people like that can dish it out, but can’t take it.
 
Groo said:
Give him a taste of his own medicine. Find something about him that he is sensitive about (e.g. bald, fat) and tease him relentlessly. If he gets upset, mock him for being weak. Most people like that can dish it out, but can’t take it.
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Not a Catholic response.
 
Hmmm. Was this person ever parented by a person in their life or a strong influence that was weak and did not/could not support them? Could it be possible that they were neglected or abandoned in some way and they are transferring hate\hurt to all who display such characteristics? Just a thought:)
 
This person is obviously very insecure. Everytime someon shows their feelings are hurt, it brings up all the hurt in him he is not willing to look at. His cruel behaviour is his way of stuffing his true feelings down.

If there is one thing I have learnt in life, is people like your friend have a VERY hard shell. I would NEVER be able to compete with them and any attempt I try to make them see the err in their ways, will cause me to be bullied. People like this guy are professional manipulators and are good at it.

I would simply avoid him. If he ever asks why, you can tell him the truth ‘Because I think you are a bully’ But be prepared, he will then tell everyone in town bad things about you. But then again, anyone who would believe him is not worth your time

CM
 
He’s playing a very dangerous game, pushing some people past their breaking point can be devastating.
 
oldcatholicguy said:
The guy sounds insecure and/or is a bully. I’d call him on it when he starts acting like that. Either he’ll change his behavior or will stop associating with you. I wouldn’t even bother with a discussion until he realizes you won’t put up with his behavior. As to meek, I’ve know some “hard” men who cry, and being the father of 5 children I can assure you pregnant women aren’t weak or meek (a good strong kick in the crotch is nothing compared to labor, let alone the actual birth). Either way you’re better off. I’d also say pray for him, but you indicate you’re an agnostic (though apparently with Catholic leanings:))

Seriously, don’t kick him in the crotch though. I was just
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I agree! I was about to say pray for him too 🙂 Thou the last line…:angel1:
 
I, too, have difficulty being close with people who behave like this. Lately, I have resorted to just stating my perspective so they can’t take my silence as agreement. If someone starts complaining that so-and-so is poor, or can’t drive, or has an annoying habit, I’ll just say something like, “It doesn’t bother me.” If I know the person well enough I sometimes jab them with a bit of humor. If a man is complaining about a pregnant woman not being able to carry a heavy load, I might say, “When you’re pregnant, we’ll see how much you can carry.” Personally, there’s really low chance of actually convincing someone against this kind of behavior, but we can just show them by our example the right way to treat people.

One thing I’ve noticed is that when I just let people know I disagree with them, they tend to just stop complaining to me, because they don’t get the pay off they’re looking for.
 
Bullies always have their irrational logic for thinking that what they’re doing isn’t wrong. People with this sort of mentality are usually toxic to everyone around them. I actually had a college teacher who thought along those lines. :rolleyes: He thought he was doing people a favor by breaking them down so that they “could become stronger”.

Bullying is bullying, period. Personally, I find that anyone who has a need to break someone else down and make them feel badly is the one with the problem! It takes more strength to put up with a bully and a jerk than to be one.
 
The best treatment I have ever seen went essentially like this:

While someone was boasting of such an attitude, one of those being addressed whipped her head around to look him in the face and confronted hime with a disbelieving “what did you just say?” After the ridiculous sentiment was foolishly repeated, the questioner said to him very sternly: "And I suppose you’re proud of that? " As she was not in a position of authority over him, she shook her head and refused to hear any more defense of such a position. Her whole attitude said very clearly: “no, you can stop trying to explain yourself. I’ve heard enough. You’ve made yourself clear, and you are quite a piece of work. I am disgusted.” He did not pursue any self-defense of his position with her! Accusing that lady of being weak was certainly not an option!

When someone is being arrogant in their defense of evil, expressing the belief that shame would be more fitting than pride for such an attitude is not out of place. If you fall in the estimation of someone becouase you objected to behavior like that, you certainly haven’t lost anything. On the day when they turn from their sin, they’ll also turn from their rejection of the admonishment you cannot help but have expressed.
 
KomradeGabriel said:
Now the person I’m referring to has an almost opposite outlook, where they tend to express disgust for whoever is sensitive or shows any vulnerability. They apparently believe that someone who is hurt by mockery or name-calling has a problem. The same applies to someone who cries (gender notwithstanding). They’ve also expressed disgust for those who “cry bullying” because apparently the bully is not the problem, it’s the fact that the victim is “too weak to take it.” I’ve also seen them express irritation for pregnant women who cannot physically carry as much weight as he can (he eventually helps but is clearly annoyed). If called out on his callousness, he will accuse one of being weak as well, so there is little chance to win an argument.

I must say I feel disgusted by this person’s outlook and feel it’s plain evil. I am very saddened because we used to like each other so much and did share many good times together (before I knew this was his outlook or he knew mine). Is there any way to reason with this person? And if so, what would you say to them?

Thank you all for your perspectives.
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While his behavior may not be evil it’s certainly not christian. Christ clearly said “Blessed are the meek” and “love your neighbor as yourself”.
 
Hi everyone, thank you so much for the advise! I also have the same suspicion about people who act like this being actually insecure themselves.

HI OldCatholicGuy, I know you were kidding about the kick in the crotch although it does sound tempting 😛

Hi Groo, I know what you mean. I am currently fighting the temptation to rip him to pieces. For example, he often questions my competence even if what I do isn’t exactly ‘wrong,’ just different from what he would do. Yet, I tend to avoid pointing out his small mistakes (because they’re just that: trivial) but I know that if I left aside all compassion and kindness for him I could probably rip him apart way worse than he has me 🤷

Hi Fan of Francis, not exactly sure how he was parented but there may be a connection between that and his current philosophy. What’s ironic is last time I confronted him about his behavior he actually bashed MY parenting because according to him I was spoiled into becoming ‘weak’ (anyone who speaks against insensitivity is weak :rolleyes:). You know what’s even more ironic/offensive? I previously confided in him about growing up with a mentally ill parent who often blamed me for their suicide attempts and self-injured whenever I misbehaved like any typical kid. My parent and I have since reconciled but that doesn’t negate the fact that I’m a child-abuse survivor. Yet he thought nothing about claiming I had been ‘spoiled!’ Sometimes I wonder if he’s worth reaching out to :mad:

Hi CMSCMS, you hit the nail in the head: trying to reason with this person about their attitude, ends in them trying to get you back by changing the subject to whatever they feel is wrong with you, which are usually things that he ‘generally dislikes’ about me but don’t affect him personally at all (i.e. he claims I’m too submissive toward my parents)

Hi Pete29, I completely agree.

19_Zner, I guess I could give it a shot 🙂

Hi Monicad, thanks for the encouragement. I agree such callousness regarding a pregnant woman’s physical limitations is unacceptable. In this case it involved his 1 year old becoming fussy and being taken out of a stroller by his partner and then eventually them having trouble carrying the baby/toddler home during the last block. He justified his anger by saying they shouldn’t have picked up the fussy baby if they weren’t able to ‘handle it’ as now he had to carry him ‘one more block.’ His obsession with others being too weak to ‘take it’ or ‘handle it’ is bordering on the ridiculous :mad:. But you’re right, I feel that if I lecture him I’m just going to get attacked.

Hi Hannajomar, I agree. It’s not easy to sway someone like this. I have tried talking to him about how I handle this type of situation by telling him I’ve never became irritated and left my grandmother behind (who is not pregnant but is elderly), but he just becomes irritated that I’m trying to ‘one-up’ him. I think my response to that will be, if I’m able to one-up you so easily, it must be because I’m right LOL

Hi Delaine, great post! There is definitely more strength in being true to your values and choosing compassion for the weak and vulnerable than to become irritated by them, which is the easy, cowardly path. Not to mention that it’s an ethical disaster to blame ‘the weak’ for not being able to ‘take’ insensitivity.

I also suspect that he confuses any dislike or distaste for rudeness and insensitivity as ‘weakness.’ When on a few occasions I’ve told him not to use that tone with me, he has claimed I was too weak to take it. That doesn’t even follow logically as strength does NOT equal tolerance for jerk behavior!

Hi EasterJoy, love your suggestion. Unfortunately I’m not sure it would work on this person, since he has a way of turning the other person’s chastisement as an invitation to get offended himself and go on about this person’s reaction being extreme and this person having a problem themselves. Very difficult situation 😦

Hi Luvz2Travel, he’s not a Christian AFAIK he’s always bee agnostic/atheistic but I still expect him to act ethically. I know other folks who are skeptics and would never dream of expressing that kind of outlook.
 
KomradeGabriel said:
…I’m not sure it would work on this person, since he has a way of turning the other person’s chastisement as an invitation to get offended himself and go on about this person’s reaction being extreme and this person having a problem themselves. Very difficult situation 😦
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The main thing I learned from this lady is that she simply does not accept any of that kind of talk, let alone that kind of behavior. She does not suffer fools gladly, and to use the language of a century ago, you are describing the talk of a knave or a fool, possibly both. She has such a no-nonsense demeanor about it, I admire her very much. The knaves and the fools don’t try this stuff on her!

Fortunately or unfortunately, this is your position: You can let his foolish talk pass–you have no responsibility to toss your pearls before swine when you know the pig will just trample it under and may turn on you–but you may not allow his bad behavior to go unquestioned in your presence. If you cannot distract him away from it by indirect means (which will be sufficient for the gratitude of his victim(s)), you have to say, “I do not care what you think of me and I do not care about your criticism. You are not going to treat him/her like that in my presence, period. I cannot alllow it, even if that makes you mad.” You may not sit by and watch him terrorize people who cannot defend themselves, and if that costs you the pleasurable or profitable aspects of your association with him, that is no matter. You have to do the right thing.

You are both wise and virtuous not to bend to the level of responding to his abuses in kind. If you act like he does, you will lose all moral ground from which to correct him. Even if you didn’t, it is still wrong, and so you ought to avoid doing it.

Stick to your guns and do not feel a need to defend principles which are axiomatic to decent human beings. As for his silly come-back that you object to his rudeness because you are too weak to take it, you can tell him that, to the contrary, you are not so weak that you have to either take it yourself or let him dish it out to anybody else.

He’s trying to give himself the right to set everyone else’s boundaries. Don’t let him get away with it. He has no such right. He is one person, and not a very nice one at that, not the center of the universe and certainly not someone worthy of such admiration that anyone is bound to listen to him.

You can tell him for me that he wants anyone else to listen to him, he’d better work on giving other people some desire to be like him. So far he’s failing miserably. If he doesn’t like that, well, he needs to get with the program, because he’ll never find a world that’s in a hurry to revolve around him. That’s just the way it is.
KomradeGabriel said:
Sometimes I wonder if he’s worth reaching out to :mad:
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Eventually the “pearls before swine” thing does come into play. I’m not advising that you be in a hurry to abandon friends who show occasional bad behavior–if we find friends that will take us, of course we will have friends that have faults of their own!–but sometimes when you realize you’re just throwing in good friendship after bad, it is time to cut your losses.

If you make a list of pros and cons, giving each the priority it deserves, will you really miss this fellow? Can he blame you for figuring out that you have better uses for the limited term of your life span? It’s something to think about.
 
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