Contraception and Marriage Crisis

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Honour

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Ok all I need some advice and some prayers.

Heres the story, I am 5 weeks postpartum and my husband is pressuring my to take artificial birth control. He wants me on the pill. He started off wanting me to get sterilized to which i refused. He knows I want more children and so he started threatening a vasectomy. I explained we could use NFP to avoid for the time being, but her thinks it is unreliable. unproven, and unscientific.

He thinks I am being stubborn and inconsiderate of his feelings and his wellbeing by not meeting him in the middle and taking the pill.

Now he is saying that I must take the pill or he will leave me and take my oldest daughter with him, and if I fight him for her, he will ruin my life and make me so miserable that I want to die until I give her up.

He says I’ve turned into a religious nut and I am not the person he married and therefore I have no right to change my mind on birth control.

He also said “God help you if you get pregnant again”. Which I suppose is some kind of vague threat.

Ive tried to be logical and levelheaded throughout the discussions and address his concerns but he is very emotional and destructive with his tactics. He says I am ruining us and he’s on the hunt for a better wife.

Help?
 
And I have also been praying a lot, and have taken up praying to St Monica as well, for his conversion and to help me handle myself well in this scenario so he can see Christ in me.
 
Of course, you aren’t going to be the same person he married. The expectation that you were never going to change the whole entire time you were married is stupid on his part. I’m sure he’s changed since you were married too!

Guys don’t get how much we change physically, spiritually, emotionally after we have kids. Our whole view on the world is different. We are different than we were before we had kids. We can’t put the “genie back in the bottle” as they say.

I’m sorry that you are going through this - especially so shortly after giving birth.

I don’t know what else to say, except that I can pray that the Holy Family surrounds your family and helps you through this tough time.
 
Your husband sounds really unstable and weird. Can you get him to a doctor to be looked at? It’s possible that it’s just sleep deprivation (which can make anybody act crazy) combined with post-partum abstinence, but it could be something worse.

My suggestions would be to 1) don’t do anything immoral 2) stay calm 3) involve professional third parties, who will be able to point out to your husband how unreasonable he is being about the situation. If your husband can’t afford another baby while married to you, he sure as heck can’t afford to divorce you and marry somebody else, who will a) likely have kids of her own or b) want kids of her own. With half decent legal representation and as long as you don’t do anything weird, nobody’s going to let him just walk off with your older kid. That is not going to happen.

It’s interesting that he hasn’t gone forward with the vasectomy, but keeps insisting on methods of birth control that would involve your body and your cooperation. My uncharitable reading of this is he doesn’t have the guts to get a vasectomy.
 
Xantippe said:
It’s possible that it’s just sleep deprivation (which can make anybody act crazy) combined with post-partum abstinence, but it could be something worse.
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Yeah, he should be sleeping just fine, he moved us out of his room, and I only got three weeks recovery so not post-patum abstinence.
Xantippe said:
My suggestions would be to 1) don’t do anything immoral 2) stay calm 3) involve professional third parties, who will be able to point out to your husband how unreasonable he is being about the situation.
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Good advice, I would love to get some counseling…if he will every agree.
Xantippe said:
With half decent legal representation and as long as you don’t do anything weird, nobody’s going to let him just walk off with your older kid. That is not going to happen.
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Thank you, this is reassuring.
Xantippe said:
It’s interesting that he hasn’t gone forward with the vasectomy, but keeps insisting on methods of birth control that would involve your body and your cooperation. My uncharitable reading of this is he doesn’t have the guts to get a vasectomy.
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Maybe,I know he doesn’t want the procedure, he’s also read that it increases risk of cancer, and thus the reason he wanted me to get sterilized instead of him. This is also why he feels I am not being considerate of his well-being.
 
you don’t have a contraception issue, you have an abusive husband issue.

Get a lawyer.
 
Honour said:
Maybe,I know he doesn’t want the procedure, he’s also read that it increases risk of cancer, and thus the reason he wanted me to get sterilized instead of him. This is also why he feels I am not being considerate of his well-being.
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But he insists you go on a pill that has a high incidence of cancer as well, along with blood clots and a plethora of other problems?

I have no advice, but you will be in my prayers. Yikes!!!
 
Get the side effects pamphlet from the pill package, or off the internet. Have it enlarged so he can read it. Then give it to him. thousands of women die each year from complictions due to conraceptives. Give him scientific studies on NFP. Then it’s up to him to “Man up!”, and face his fears, or continue to throw a tantrum. We all have to over come difficulties in our lives.

Will pray for you
 
Also
Honour said:
I explained we could use NFP to avoid for the time being, but her thinks it is unreliable. unproven, and unscientific.
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Have you heard of the Creighton model and the Marquette method? What does he suppose those are named after. Universities!! Unscientific?

Your husband seems to have been poisoned by mainstream culture.
 
maryjk said:
I have to agree.

This isn’t about contraception. This is about him being abusive.
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I agree, too. Whose decision was it to resume relations after just three weeks? Has he been coercing you into being intimate? How does he treat the children?
 
If you’re breastfeeding, the pill can interfere with milk supply. A lot of women who do not have moral issues with hormonal contraception do not use it while breastfeeding.

Your husband sounds really selfish, immature, manipulative and abusive (or very, very close to abusive).

I suggest getting and reading the book “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,” which may remind you of your husband.

I don’t know if your marriage can be fixed, but it’s going to require your husband’s commitment to the project. I would encourage you to use the following language: “We need to improve our relationship for our sake and for the sake of our children” or “I love you and I want to be married to you and we need to go to counseling to learn how to be better at talking to each other, loving each other, and solving problems. We can’t keep treating each other like this. It’s not a good example for the children.” No fully-conscious counselor is going to let him continue threatening and blackmailing you with abandonment and taking your child away from you.

I know from your earlier posts that you’re in the process of annulling previous marriages and converting. I think it’s possible that you might be able to regularize and fix this marriage and maybe live happily ever after with enough work on both your parts, but I think you should think long and hard before regularizing this marriage, as it seems like your husband doesn’t really understand what a good marriage entails. Do you want your children living with this style of problem solving for the next 18 years? Do you want them to treat their spouses like this? Do you want to live like this until you die, with him periodically threatening you that he’s leaving to find somebody better, every time he doesn’t get his way?
 
I noticed you’re converting to Catholicism. Sounds to me like you’re probably strengthening spiritually and he is now caught up in a spiritual battle himself. When I read that he said NFP was “unscientific”, I literally laughed out loud. It’s a scientific as you can get. It’s all about knowing and understanding your body and how it works. And as far as being “proven”, I’ve been using NFP successfully for over four years now (legitimate health and financial reasons for putting off another child). My advice would be to stay strong and gentle. Pray for him, that his heart is softened to you and your beliefs! The Rosary Novena is ah-MAZING! It’s worked numerous miracles in my life. I love St. Therese, the Little Flower, too. She is truly wonderful. I will pray for you. I hate when there is turmoil within a family. I’ve dealt with it myself and it’s so difficult. Stay strong and keep the faith! {{{HUGS}}}
 
FrenzyJen said:
Also

Have you heard of the Creighton model and the Marquette method? What does he suppose those are named after. Universities!! Unscientific?

Your husband seems to have been poisoned by mainstream culture.
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Thats funny that’s exactly what I to,d him about the universities…his response…“oh what CATHOLIC universities?” They don’t count I guess.

After pressing him some more he said he’s also worried about human error and doesn’t want to abstain. After I mentioned human error a problem with the other methods as well he apparently reconsidered, apologized for threatening to leave and has decided to get the vasectomy and stay with me. He is apparently so fearful of an unexpected pregnancy he now sees vasectomy as the only option. I’m sad because I would love more children, but relieved he is not going to leave or force me do something immoral.
 
105lynne said:
I noticed you’re converting to Catholicism. Sounds to me like you’re probably strengthening spiritually and he is now caught up in a spiritual battle himself. When I read that he said NFP was “unscientific”, I literally laughed out loud. It’s a scientific as you can get. It’s all about knowing and understanding your body and how it works. And as far as being “proven”, I’ve been using NFP successfully for over four years now (legitimate health and financial reasons for putting off another child). My advice would be to stay strong and gentle. Pray for him, that his heart is softened to you and your beliefs! The Rosary Novena is ah-MAZING! It’s worked numerous miracles in my life. I love St. Therese, the Little Flower, too. She is truly wonderful. I will pray for you. I hate when there is turmoil within a family. I’ve dealt with it myself and it’s so difficult. Stay strong and keep the faith! {{{HUGS}}}
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Thank you this is very helpful and encouraging!
 
Xantippe said:
If you’re breastfeeding, the pill can interfere with milk supply. A lot of women who do not have moral issues with hormonal contraception do not use it while breastfeeding.

Your husband sounds really selfish, immature, manipulative and abusive (or very, very close to abusive).

I suggest getting and reading the book “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,” which may remind you of your husband.

I don’t know if your marriage can be fixed, but it’s going to require your husband’s commitment to the project. I would encourage you to use the following language: “We need to improve our relationship for our sake and for the sake of our children” or “I love you and I want to be married to you and we need to go to counseling to learn how to be better at talking to each other, loving each other, and solving problems. We can’t keep treating each other like this. It’s not a good example for the children.” No fully-conscious counselor is going to let him continue threatening and blackmailing you with abandonment and taking your child away from you.

I know from your earlier posts that you’re in the process of annulling previous marriages and converting. I think it’s possible that you might be able to regularize and fix this marriage and maybe live happily ever after with enough work on both your parts, but I think you should think long and hard before regularizing this marriage, as it seems like your husband doesn’t really understand what a good marriage entails. Do you want your children living with this style of problem solving for the next 18 years? Do you want them to treat their spouses like this? Do you want to live like this until you die, with him periodically threatening you that he’s leaving to find somebody better, every time he doesn’t get his way?
Click to expand...
Thanks for the advice, I sometimes wonder if its just me being whiny of if the way he treats me is really that bad…he has improved a lot since we have had children, but I’ve also lost a lot of will to stand my ground, it’s easier to just give him what he wants, since he usually gets his way eventually. I’m committed to making this work, I just wish he would agree to counseling, I think it would help us a lot. I have learned to live with it, but sometimes when he gets going, I look at my daughter and pray that she can somehow learn that this isn’t what she should expect for herself, I don’t want her to settle for someone who treats her like that.
 
Honour said:

“Thanks for the advice, I sometimes wonder if its just me being whiny of if the way he treats me is really that bad…”

It really is that bad.

“…he has improved a lot since we have had children”

He used to be worse? Good heavens.

“but I’ve also lost a lot of will to stand my ground, it’s easier to just give him what he wants, since he usually gets his way eventually.”

That sounds really unpleasant.

“I’m committed to making this work, I just wish he would agree to counseling, I think it would help us a lot.”

I wonder if you could get him to do one of those Skype-based programs? That way the scheduling might be easier and he might feel more comfortable in his own home.

“I have learned to live with it, but sometimes when he gets going, I look at my daughter and pray that she can somehow learn that this isn’t what she should expect for herself, I don’t want her to settle for someone who treats her like that.”

If you can get him into counseling, I think you should tell him that. Actually, you should tell him that even if you don’t get him into counseling. “The way you treat me is the way that your daughters’ boyfriends and husbands are going to treat them.”
 
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