Contraception and Unbelieving Spouse

[NHLove777]

I guess you each already understand you have some different views on what is moral? From this must surely flow a desire on your part to avoid the immoral thing? This need not (must not) be done by condemning her (and certainly not on a regular, repeated basis), but rather explaining your personal feeling on the matter. I presume she knows the “Catholic” score on this point anyway?

The difficulty I would envisage in such a discussion is that if you suggest that she acquire a barrier for herself, you’re essentially saying "I prefer you to do this ‘bad’ thing which I don’t want to do myself’. It sounds like one of those situations where you’d like to hope she may just come to the view - on her own initiative - that she should get the barrier herself without direct prompting from you.

Thank you for this response, I think it makes sense.

 

[Ana_v]

That’s a dangerous line to tread. Contraception and abortion have very little in common, and I would not be suggesting otherwise to a person who already rejects abortion.

And btw, “pro-life” is a colloquial expression and in common use means no more than opposing abortion and euthanasia.

I understand what you mean by it being a dangerous line to tread – it is a delicate suggestion to make to a spouse who is opposed to abortion but accepting of contraception. However, I don’t think that it should be totally out of the question. Rather, it should be something that should be delicately and carefully worded and offered at an opportune time.

What contraception and abortion hold in common is that they both arise out of a desire to suppress the procreative tendency of sexual relations, and in concrete situations, actually disassociate sex from procreation.

I recommend to you this brief ( 4 minute) video in which Janet Smith explains the relationship between contraception and abortion, and how the former creates reliance on the latter.

youtube.com/watch?v=eAJexmBX5lI

 

[Ana_v]

One more thing I had forgotten to mention.

Though the document I referenced earlier does conditionally allow a person to have sex with a contracepting spouse, I don’t think a person is required to do so.

We could make the distinction between morally permissible acts, and virtous acts. One could argue that the most virtuous thing to do in this situation is to abstain from sex until the spouses have mutually agreed to be open to life.

Now someone might raise the argument about conjugal rights. Yes, spouses have a right to each other’s bodies, but there are grounds upon which a person is justified in refusing his/her spouse at a particular time/span of time (e.g. being hospitalized, concurrent martial infidelity on the part of the requesting spouse, the attention required by infants, etc).

I think it could be successfully argued that a spouse’s determination to contracept is ground for abstaining from sex.

That is not to say that such a decision is the easiest as regards the carnal aspect of our being or our sensitivity to offending people! But it may be the easiest on our conscience!

Have you tried contacting the National Catholic Bioethics Center? Or perhaps try contacting one of the priests at this site: spiritualdirection.com/blog/tags/recreation

Again, I will pray for you. Solicit the guidance of the Holy Spirit, especially in the area of communication with your wife.

God Bless!

 

[NHLove777]

Hi everyone,
You all have been a great help to me and I appreciate your kind words and interest in my situation.

I spoke with a priest about this today and he, after acknowledging it is a very difficult decision, said that it is permissible for my wife and I to continue our sexual relationship under Church authority so long as I am not the one engaging in the contraception.

Prior to going to meet with him, I asked my wife about using a diaphragm or something like it and she said there was no chance she would do that - success rates are too low from her standpoint.

So I told the priest that I was worried because the only options left are basically an IUD or patch, or birth control pill (if she changes her mind about it). All of these options (some more than others) can, in limited situations, cause a fertilized egg (which is when I believe and when the Church teaches life begins) to essentially die by not implanting. Additionally, if a fertilized egg does implant, it can kill the child later on in development, which seems even more awful to me. It’s not very likely so long as the birth control method is used properly, but it still could happen.

I then asked him, “What is the greater evil? Is risking an abortion less evil than using a condom?” And he didn’t really answer the question but instructed me to avoid using a condom.

I am very, very torn on this. I am just coming back to the Church and I want to be a good Catholic as I hope this thread shows, but if my wife chooses to use a form of birth control that could potentially cause an abortion because I refuse to wear a condom, that to me seems like a far greater evil. I just don’t see how the Church could come to this conclusion. I am finding it nearly impossible to go that route, which would, in all seriousness, be the easier route for me. But I cannot bear the thought of being involved in an abortion. I have heard horror stories about even the safest of birth control methods…As far as preventing deformities, spontaneous abortions, etc., nothing is “better” than a condom.

What should I do? Feeling very lost.

-T.H.

 

[NHLove777]

I understand what you mean by it being a dangerous line to tread – it is a delicate suggestion to make to a spouse who is opposed to abortion but accepting of contraception. However, I don’t think that it should be totally out of the question. Rather, it should be something that should be delicately and carefully worded and offered at an opportune time.

What contraception and abortion hold in common is that they both arise out of a desire to suppress the procreative tendency of sexual relations, and in concrete situations, actually disassociate sex from procreation.

I recommend to you this brief ( 4 minute) video in which Janet Smith explains the relationship between contraception and abortion, and how the former creates reliance on the latter.

youtube.com/watch?v=eAJexmBX5lI

Thanks to you and all who have replied. If you get a chance, please read my latest comment. I am in desperate need of advice.

 

[LongingSoul]

Thanks to you and all who have replied. If you get a chance, please read my latest comment. I am in desperate need of advice.

Follow your Priests advice. It is a disappointment that your wife is not willing to come on board with you in your faith journey but it would be a very bad example to her and her ability to respect Church teaching if you were to use a condom for the reasons you suggest. Leave some things to the Lord and His great mercy and ultimate control. Follow your Priests advice and continue on your new journey of faith in all the ways that are within your own control.

 

[NHLove777]

Follow your Priests advice. It is a disappointment that your wife is not willing to come on board with you in your faith journey but it would be a very bad example to her and her ability to respect Church teaching if you were to use a condom for the reasons you suggest. Leave some things to the Lord and His great mercy and ultimate control. Follow your Priests advice and continue on your new journey of faith in all the ways that are within your own control.

I appreciate you offering your view…I will definitely take it into account.

T.H.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

This is a situation that requires a leap of faith. I was in something similar some time ago with my husband. He wanted ABC, and I said no because it was against my faith. He was very angry and continually guilt-tripped me about it. I was very worried and on the verge of submitting to pressure, just to keep the peace. But then I suddenly felt confident that God would take care of my situation if I completely out it in His hands. I prayed for guidance and placed my situation in God’s hands and decided to stay faithful. I was ready for anything because I trusted Him. What happened was a small miracle. My husband stopped pressuring me. Completely. It has been a year and I still can’t believe it.

Your need to trust God here. Do the right thing - follow His will. He will help you. Your wife also needs to make some decisions. Follow the church’s teachings and don’t offer to do the lesser of 2 evils. She needs to make this choice of how to contracept for herself. She should be alone in this.

 

[Ana_v]

So I told the priest that I was worried because the only options left are basically an IUD or patch, or birth control pill (if she changes her mind about it)…

I then asked him, “What is the greater evil? Is risking an abortion less evil than using a condom?” And he didn’t really answer the question but instructed me to avoid using a condom.

I am very, very torn on this. I am just coming back to the Church and I want to be a good Catholic as I hope this thread shows, but if my wife chooses to use a form of birth control that could potentially cause an abortion because I refuse to wear a condom, that to me seems like a far greater evil.

I would like to share something with you that expands upon what I wrote in my post about the distinction between formal and material cooperation with evil. It requires though that I upload images. There is an apologetics booklet that was on display at my parent’s parish, and it covers this issue of the morality of marital relations with a contracepting spouse. However, since I did not have a copy machine at hand, and wanted to study the issue more in depth, I took pictures with my phone of relevant paragraphs.

I can tell you that in this booklet, it explicity stated that the contraceptive method used by the contracepting spouse cannot be abortifacient.

I think your conscience is on the right track regarding the questionable nature of cooperating with a potentially abortifacient method of contraception. That said, a priest is a spiritual father and I would like to trust that you are best off following his advice, especially since you can meet with him face to face and communicate much easier in voice (because you can go into all sorts of particularities and details that would be to tedious to write out on a forum) about the difficulty you are faced with.

Be assured that it is with God’s grace that you are even desiring to do what is right in his eyes.

I really want to help you, because believe me I empathize with you feeling torn. I carry a similar feeling often, sometimes unbearably.

I will type out the paragraphs from the apologetics resource mentioned above, because I can’t upload the photos. This is not a Church document, therefore it doesn’t carry the same authority. It is not infallible. Yet, what can we do in a situation like this except to defer to those who have researched the matter and surveyed the consensus among theologians?

 

[PennyinCanada]

The only advice I can offer you is that she go on the pill and you do not have sex in the middle of the cycle when there might be ovulation.

 

[Ana_v]

I will include the footnotes in what I quote below.

Taken from Beginning Apologetics 5: How to Answer Tough Moral Questions

What If My Spouse Keeps Contracepting?

The 1997* Vademecum for Confessors Concerning Some Aspects of the Morality of Conjugal Life* addresses the question of cooperating with a contracepting spouse in part 3, sections 13 and 14. It says that even if your spouse is deliberately contracepting, you can still have martial relations as long as:

1. There are serious reasons to materially cooperate
2. They are morally sure the contraception won’t cause an abortion
3. The action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit in itself ( in other words, he or she is not participating in something that perverts the unitive nature of the marital act) [41].
4. The cooperating spouse make reasonable efforts to correct the other.

Remember, material cooperation with a contracepting spouse doesn’t mean approving his or her actions or participating in illicit actions. [42] Obviously, the non-offending spouse should pray and sacrifice for the other’s change of heart…

---

41 Father Thomas J. O’Donnell, SJ points out that all authentic and approved Catholic theologians have taught that barrier methods such as condoms, diaphrams, and spermicidal jellies and foams pervert the marital act itself. See Medicine and Christian Morality (New York, NY: Alba House, 1996), 250-251.

42 See page 8 on the distinction between formal cooperation (which is never allowed) and material cooperation (which is allowed under certain conditions). One of the essential conditions of allowable material cooperation is that the action of the cooperator must be good or at least indifferent in itself. One cannot cooperate if the act of intercourse sought it intrinsically wrong. This includes “barrier” methods such as condoms and diaphrams as well as “separation” methods such as completed oral and rectal intercourse. These methods of intercourse are intrinsically illicit because they pervert the physical act itself, regardless of intentions. There is never a situation where they can be used morally. In addition, both parties are *directly participating *in the contraceptive activity.

What If I Have Been Sterilized?

Spouses who have repented of being directly sterilized often wonder if they are morally obligated to get their sterilization reversed. The answer is “no”. The only obligation the sterilized person had is to confess the sin (if he knew it was a sin at the time) and do whatever penance the priest prescribes. The Church does not obligated reversal of sterilization because of the high cost, surgical risk, and uncertainty of outcome: reversal is often unsuccessful. Obviously, spouses should examine their financial and physical condition, and prayerfully consider reversal as an heroic act of reparation and love. But sterilization- reversal is not obligatory.

---

Examples of intercourse that do not pervert the physical act itself include onanism, ligations (vasectomy or tubal), and non-abortifacient chemicals. In these actions, the martial act remains natural and intact. In many situations such intercourse is perfectly moral: a domestic emergency interrupts a couple’s lovemaking; a spouse has a ligation to treat ovarian or testicular cancer; a wife takes non-abortifacient chemicals to treat a hormone imbalance. In each case, spouses can still legitimately engage in intercourse, as long as there is no contraceptive intent. **Even when they are known to be unfruitful, these marital acts remain physically intact. They are not intrinsically illicit. They only become wrong with the addition of a contraceptive intention. **The non-offending spouse is not participating in the contraceptive activity and the marital act itself remains intact. Therefore, the cooperation is material and, for serious reasons, can be allowed.

I just want to emphasize that while I am perplexed, and do not understand the reason for why the withdrawal method is not considered as perverting the marital act itself, I do understand the reason why in-itself it is not evil (e.g. a child walks in on his parents having sex and the parents have to stop), and why it is only evil when the intention behind it is to prevent conception.

Or perhaps (any moral theologians here on CAF???) the more precise way of wording it is that withdrawal is objectively evil, but a person who does it for non-contraceptive reasons, like the parents who want to avoid scandalizing their child, are not morally culpable (i.e. on a subjective level) for the evil.

 

[Ana_v]

The only advice I can offer you is that she go on the pill and you do not have sex in the middle of the cycle when there might be ovulation.

This is a nuance I hadn’t thought of! Very interesting. The only thing I would change in the wording of your response (forgive me! I am very detailed oriented and I tend to scruple) is to say that we *do not *advise her to contracept, indeed, we advise the very opposite, but if she *chooses for herself *to use the pill, that the OP may continue sexual relations with her provided he obstain during the days in which she might forseeably ovulate.

The problem is this: Isn’t the primary mechanism of action of the pill, prevention of ovulation, secondarily prevention of fertilization (I think by altering the cervical mucus) and lastly, prevention of implantation?

The OP might benefit from starting a new thread dedicated specifically to asking women on CAF who have previously used the pill, what their cycles were like.

 

[Rau]

I will include the footnotes in what I quote below.

Taken from Beginning Apologetics 5: How to Answer Tough Moral Questions

I just want to emphasize that while I am perplexed, and do not understand the reason for why the withdrawal method is not considered as perverting the marital act itself, I do understand the reason why in-itself it is not evil (e.g. a child walks in on his parents having sex and the parents have to stop), and why it is only evil when the intention behind it is to prevent conception.

Or perhaps (any moral theologians here on CAF???) the more precise way of wording it is that withdrawal is objectively evil, but a person who does it for non-contraceptive reasons, like the parents who want to avoid scandalizing their child, are not morally culpable (i.e. on a subjective level) for the evil.

The cooperating partner is not free to use onanism (withdrawal) himself. That Is a measure that a contracepting party might take and the cooperating party may go along with.

 

[NHLove777]

This is a situation that requires a leap of faith. I was in something similar some time ago with my husband. He wanted ABC, and I said no because it was against my faith. He was very angry and continually guilt-tripped me about it. I was very worried and on the verge of submitting to pressure, just to keep the peace. But then I suddenly felt confident that God would take care of my situation if I completely out it in His hands. I prayed for guidance and placed my situation in God’s hands and decided to stay faithful. I was ready for anything because I trusted Him. What happened was a small miracle. My husband stopped pressuring me. Completely. It has been a year and I still can’t believe it.

Your need to trust God here. Do the right thing - follow His will. He will help you. Your wife also needs to make some decisions. Follow the church’s teachings and don’t offer to do the lesser of 2 evils. She needs to make this choice of how to contracept for herself. She should be alone in this.

I appreciate your advice, thank you for taking the time to consider my situation.

 

[NHLove777]

I would like to share something with you that expands upon what I wrote in my post about the distinction between formal and material cooperation with evil. It requires though that I upload images. There is an apologetics booklet that was on display at my parent’s parish, and it covers this issue of the morality of marital relations with a contracepting spouse. However, since I did not have a copy machine at hand, and wanted to study the issue more in depth, I took pictures with my phone of relevant paragraphs.

I can tell you that in this booklet, it explicity stated that the contraceptive method used by the contracepting spouse cannot be abortifacient.

I think your conscience is on the right track regarding the questionable nature of cooperating with a potentially abortifacient method of contraception. That said, a priest is a spiritual father and I would like to trust that you are best off following his advice, especially since you can meet with him face to face and communicate much easier in voice (because you can go into all sorts of particularities and details that would be to tedious to write out on a forum) about the difficulty you are faced with.

Be assured that it is with God’s grace that you are even desiring to do what is right in his eyes.

I really want to help you, because believe me I empathize with you feeling torn. I carry a similar feeling often, sometimes unbearably.

I will type out the paragraphs from the apologetics resource mentioned above, because I can’t upload the photos. This is not a Church document, therefore it doesn’t carry the same authority. It is not infallible. Yet, what can we do in a situation like this except to defer to those who have researched the matter and surveyed the consensus among theologians?

Thank you for your kindness and for providing the additional information you did from that pamphlet.

I honestly don’t at all feel comfortable with what the priest instructed me to do. I just cannot believe that God would prefer the possibility of an abortion over condom use. This is agonizing…even the Eastern Orthodox don’t hold to this extreme of a view. I just can’t understand it at all.

 

[NHLove777]

This is a nuance I hadn’t thought of! Very interesting. The only thing I would change in the wording of your response (forgive me! I am very detailed oriented and I tend to scruple) is to say that we *do not *advise her to contracept, indeed, we advise the very opposite, but if she *chooses for herself *to use the pill, that the OP may continue sexual relations with her provided he obstain during the days in which she might forseeably ovulate.

The problem is this: Isn’t the primary mechanism of action of the pill, prevention of ovulation, secondarily prevention of fertilization (I think by altering the cervical mucus) and lastly, prevention of implantation?

The OP might benefit from starting a new thread dedicated specifically to asking women on CAF who have previously used the pill, what their cycles were like.

It is interesting, yes, but everyone should understand that ovulation, even when carefully tracked, is not something that can be pinned down at home. Just do a search on NFP and surprise pregnancies and you will all sorts of people who were sure they weren’t fertile when a pregnancy occurred.

I don’t know anymore what I’m doing with this.

 

[Rau]

It is interesting, yes, but everyone should understand that ovulation, even when carefully tracked, is not something that can be pinned down at home. Just do a search on NFP and surprise pregnancies and you will all sorts of people who were sure they weren’t fertile when a pregnancy occurred.

I don’t know anymore what I’m doing with this.

It may be academic given your wife refuses to consider any form of periodic abstinence. But it is difficult to get pregnant having sex at the end of the cycle.

 

[NHLove777]

It may be academic given your wife refuses to consider any form of periodic abstinence. But it is difficult to get pregnant having sex at the end of the cycle.

Yeah maybe you are right. It is unlikely at any point in her cycle anyway.

 

[underacloud]

I will include the footnotes in what I quote below.

Taken from Beginning Apologetics 5: How to Answer Tough Moral Questions

41 Father Thomas J. O’Donnell, SJ points out that all authentic and approved Catholic theologians have taught that barrier methods such as condoms, diaphrams, and spermicidal jellies and foams pervert the marital act itself. See Medicine and Christian Morality (New York, NY: Alba House, 1996), 250-251.

It should be noted that this section (above) taken from that booklet is not official Church teaching on this topic, but the opinion of whoever wrote the booklet. It is not an opinion that is universally held nor binding.

To the OP, please listen to your priest and work with your wife to find an agreeable solution. You cannot use condoms, even to prevent what you see as a greater evil. It is a founding principle in Catholic morality that we may not do evil that good will come of it. This rules out using a condom, even for the sake of preventing failed implanting of fertilised eggs and/or maintaining your marriage.

It should be noted that failed implanting of fertilised eggs and other spontaneous abortions happen all the time. They are a natural evil, and only a moral evil when intended. Some might say they are intended if you choose contraception that increases their likelihood, but the jury is out on whether the pill, or any other particular contraception, actually does this. It’s something of a grey area, both medically and thus morally.

If you and your wife have identified that only barrier methods are suitable, you could suggest to her that if she insists on continuing to use contraception then she should find a method that she can administer without your involvement.

I know you are in a very difficult situation here. The clear moral answer is that you can’t yourself use condoms; this is hard, but faith is never promised to be easy. The less clear answer is what you and your wife do having ruled that out.

 

[LongingSoul]

It should be noted that this section (above) taken from that booklet is not official Church teaching on this topic, but the opinion of whoever wrote the booklet. It is not an opinion that is universally held nor binding.

To the OP, please listen to your priest and work with your wife to find an agreeable solution. You cannot use condoms, even to prevent what you see as a greater evil. It is a founding principle in Catholic morality that we may not do evil that good will come of it. This rules out using a condom, even for the sake of preventing failed implanting of fertilised eggs and/or maintaining your marriage.

It should be noted that failed implanting of fertilised eggs and other spontaneous abortions happen all the time. They are a natural evil, and only a moral evil when intended. Some might say they are intended if you choose contraception that increases their likelihood, but the jury is out on whether the pill, or any other particular contraception, actually does this. It’s something of a grey area, both medically and thus morally.

If you and your wife have identified that only barrier methods are suitable, you could suggest to her that if she insists on continuing to use contraception then she should find a method that she can administer without your involvement.

I know you are in a very difficult situation here. The clear moral answer is that you can’t yourself use condoms; this is hard, but faith is never promised to be easy. The less clear answer is what you and your wife do having ruled that out.

This is my understanding as per my spiritual education and as per my conscience. You would also be in error to second guess the advice of your Priest.

We cannot control the actions of our spouse although we are expected to air our feelings and objections all the same, which I assume you have done.

You are trying to assume a degree of control you don’t have and that is a dangerous path.

Your Priest is right.