Coping with depression

[vluvski]

gabangel,
I was really, officially diagnosed with clinical depression in high school and medicated with Effexor. I really was not experiencing anxiety at that time, and I’m sure the drug choice had a lot to do with kickbacks from pharm companies. In any case, that’s water under the bridge.
I am experiencing the same symptoms more severely now, but with more justification for my anxiety and sadness. I have not been to the dr about it this time to receive a diagnosis, partly because I had such an unpleasant experience with the Effexor and partly because we just can’t afford it. We have CDH type health insurance and our HRA is dry, so we have to pay for any dr or meds out of pocket right now.

 

[rayne89]

If your hubby can go golfing, buy new equipment and such he should be making allowances for going to the doctor. I believe gabangel was making some unfair assumptions about your condition.

My hubby didn’t have anxiety either and the Effexor did work for him for a time anyway. He had to switch a few times because after a while they stopped working. And some didn’t work at all and/or had bad side effects. I think Lexipro was the last one he was on that worked well before he stopped needing them.

There’s alot out there and your doc should have free samples of many of them he could give you if you have a financial hardship. I have to do that from from time to time when money gets tight for some of my heart meds. A friend of mine had no insuarance for a while and needed to be treated for depression and her doc was able to give her free samples.

I’m not saying meds is the only way but what I noticed with my hubby is the meds gave him the boost to do other things that were helpful to him. He suffered for years -it made me so sad that we didn’t deal with it sooner once I saw the change in him.

Having a spouse that doesn’t really get it is difficut too. My bestfriend’s dh had to deal with that for years until just recently when (unfortunately) her hubby now has experienced depression for the first time.

Your health is more important that golfing, please don’t put yourself last. I know it’s easy for me to do when money is tight.

I’m praying for you. God Bless.

 

[vluvski]

I think he gets the depression on a rational level, but has trouble internalizing it on an emotional level. He has a lot of anxiety and depression, which can sometimes be more severe than mine though normally short-lived. He flat out refuses to consider seeing a doctor about his, though, and his doesn’t last long enough to be a poster-case for clinical depression.

I try and try to discuss things with him, like how his golf outing makes me feel as if I cannot do anything for myself because he’s spent every penny we have for that and then some. He stands there and hears me, but interrupts and refutes until I get so frustrated I raise my voice, and then he changes the subject to how it’s inappropriate for me to yell at him.

 

[cecilia97]

Hi vluvski,

You’re in my prayer intentions when I go to the adoration chapel later today!

I hear you about your hubby. My ex “understood” that I needed to take medications and monitor my moods, but he wasn’t really able to put himself in my shoes enough to have patience with my symptoms. And ironically, he seemed to sink into a deep depression himself after a while. When I prompted him to consider he might be depressed, he got really upset. Like I had insulted him, or called him weak or suggested something was “wrong” with him. If I had not been secure in the knowledge that clinical depression isn’t a indictment of a person’s character, I would have thought to be insulted. It was OK for ME to be “mentally ill” but how dare I suggest HE was?!

Thankfully, that really didn’t enter my mind until I read this thread, har!

So, your hubby may be lacking a little empathy, but that’s what girlfriends and moms are for, frankly. Do what you need to help YOURSELF deal with your depression and I’ll all pray with you that he follows suit. We’re all learning as we go, after all.

 

[Maryam]

gabangel,
I was really, officially diagnosed with clinical depression in high school and medicated with Effexor. I really was not experiencing anxiety at that time, and I’m sure the drug choice had a lot to do with kickbacks from pharm companies. In any case, that’s water under the bridge.
I am experiencing the same symptoms more severely now, but with more justification for my anxiety and sadness. I have not been to the dr about it this time to receive a diagnosis, partly because I had such an unpleasant experience with the Effexor and partly because we just can’t afford it. We have CDH type health insurance and our HRA is dry, so we have to pay for any dr or meds out of pocket right now.

I too had a bad experience with EFFEXOR… bad enough that I started hallucinating, had heart palpitations and ended up in the hospital for a week. I can remember 3 years back where there was even a court case where Effexor was linked to triggering a young man to commit suicide.

Due to this I refuse to take any medication until I can get some kind of in-patient treatment at a clinic where they can watch over me just in case I have any adverse reaction to any new medication. But since I don’t have insurance this is not an option for me right now.

God bless all of us who struggle with depression… I will be praying my Divine Mercy Chaplet for us all at 3pm today.

 

[Mirdath]

I don’t suffer from clinical depression, but it is rampant in my family, and as a (high anxiety) child of a severely depressed mother, I sure learned a lot about it the hard way. Yes, you really do need to get to a doctor, a psych, and very possibly look into medications. Tell them right away that you didn’t react well to Effexor! There are so many possible medications and classes of meds, and there really isn’t a better method than trial-and-error to find out which works best. It may be an obnoxious process, but when it works, it can truly help, and there are definitely medications either specifically for anxiety, or for both anxiety AND depression out there too. Hm, just curious, but do you have migraines also?

But I agree with the other posters, it does sound to me like your husband needs to read up on the condition. And more importantly, he needs to not use medical terms as insults. (If you had a broken leg, would he call you a useless, lazy gimp? That abusive language is pretty close to what he’s using, not to mention bipolarity is entirely different from unipolar depression, chemically and in manifest symptoms.) Also, your medical needs come way, WAY before his recreational ones in a marriage. If he cannot understand that…ugh, I don’t know what to tell you, except that just maybe you are experiencing more situational (ie, normal) depression than chemical.

He needs to learn patience, caring and responsibility, whether or not you have an illness. I’ve heard a lot about ‘men generally lack empathy’ on this forum, and it’s hooey. Men who lack emotional maturity…aren’t men. They are boys. Time to grow up and face up; whining and excuses don’t cut it, guys. On the other hand if you are both experiencing depression, whether situational or clinical, either or both of you may well be experiencing other emotional fallout from the main problem, and sure enough, lack of empathy is one fairly common symptom. Likely you both need counseling, in any case.

If he’s only looking out for himself, someone’s got to look after you…and that’s YOU. Make an appointment, and go, and if he gets nasty over his lack of fancy golf pantaloons or whatever, that’s just too bad. It may take all you have (not just money, but emotionally) to get there, but you know you need some help, even if it’s just a little, for a little while, or just counseling. It’s not only your responsibility to yourself, but to everyone around you. And I’d bet you’ll feel a little bit better from taking the first steps towards taking control over your life.

By the way, farmbabe1, you sound GREAT! Whatever you’re doing, it sure seems to be working. Upbeat, together, focused and having fun - yep, that’s what it’s all about. Heck, maybe your doctor can refer people to other psychs in other areas. Kidding of course, but wow it was nice to read that post!

 

[Convert_in_99]

You go to DAILY mass with depression?!?! WOW! Sunday Mass can be enough of a struggle for me sometimes. But I try to go to one daily mass a week.

I, too, have battled mental troubles since adolesence. I know how it feels to not want to get out of bed, to want to stay inside with the blinds closed, and block out the world.

I am sorry I can’t emphathize with the lack of support from your husband. My husband happens to be one of those “rare and precious gems” that understands completely and does everything physically and emotionally possible to help me. I don’t know where I picked him up, honestly, he just popped into my life. I get that alot. Maybe he’s from mars, who knows!

At least your spouse dosen’t force you to work, that is not a good thing right now. If you CAN, volunteering somewhere, anywhere (well not an immoral charity) is a good idea. Do some volunteer work online if you really can’t get outside. I stress volunteer because it is just not right for anyone (your hubby included) to expect you to be able to show up at a regular job right now…it’s just too much.

Do you have any family around? How about kids in the family? Maybe kids of friends? I stress kids because they can often pull you out of your worst of days! :yup: No kids? Maybe a pet? Dogs are GREAT companions. They know your having one of your bad days and don’t get upset from them.

Walking OUTSIDE is very good, and VERY painful at times, yes. But, even just five minutes can be a real breakthrough, and highly beneficial for mind and body. An added benefit of the dog, you can’t NOT walk him!

I, too, am part of the “no medicine” group. They DO work for lots of people, but there are some forms of depression that medicines make WORSE. Maybe we’re just part of this group. Don’t know. The counseling is very needed right now. Even if your husband won’t go or pay for it. Sometimes a local priest (minister if you aren’t catholic) will help you, and not expect pay. Sometimes a GOOD catholic/christian psychologist will counsel you for low or no cost if you apply.

Yes, your husband’s spending right now may SEEM selfish, but he’s probably just trying to cope himself. It’s called a coping mechanism in psychology. Maybe you could help him find a cheaper hobby, like marathon running, if that’s even possible. Just be patient with him. Bipolar? Nah! I think he’s just wanting you to be real right now, and not put on a mask.

The good days may just be so rare right now, that he dosen’t want to get his hopes up. When you start having more good days, and they aren’t as rare, he will begin to look foward to them, and be able to handle the bad ones more easily and patiently. Try to tell your husband that you are having a good/bad day today, so that he knows which behavior to expect. So its more predictable, less “bipolar” in his terms. He might just need the stability right now. Make sure SOMETHING he likes is very predictable and stable right now. A t.v. show, a hobby, even lovemaking. This helps my husband look foward to and rejoice in the happy days when they are there. He wants more of them, so he threatens to tickle my feet on the bad days :yup:

Hang in there. I can’t think of anything else right now, but just know you are not alone. I will keep watching this post and post more as it pops in my head. God bless you, you are in my prayers :console:

 

[Convert_in_99]

The good days may just be so rare right now, that he dosen’t want to get his hopes up. When you start having more good days, and they aren’t as rare, he will begin to look foward to them, and be able to handle the bad ones more easily and patiently. Try to tell your husband that you are having a good/bad day today, so that he knows which behavior to expect. So its more predictable, less “bipolar” in his terms. He might just need the stability right now. Make sure SOMETHING he likes is very predictable and stable right now. A t.v. show, a hobby, even lovemaking. This helps my husband look foward to and rejoice in the happy days when they are there. He wants more of them, so he threatens to tickle my feet on the bad days!

I will try to explain this a little better, looks kinda unclear in my posting. All you need to do is be very upfront. Say to your hubby that this is a bad day, and he will learn what a bad day entails. This is a good day, and what a good day means, or what might lead up to it being a good day (maybe he did the dishes without being asked )

Also, the one thing stable is very necessary. It has to be something he loves (nothing sinful of course) and something that will be there for him every single day GOOD OR BAD. Let him have that time (an hour is good, he may need two.) Let him know that this is HIS time. Also, when you are having a good day, let him REALIZE it with something very special. Something that is extremely fun for him that YOU can provide. He will see that this is a special treat for a good day only, and will begin to desire to help you have more of them.

I know this seems artificial, but you got to start somewhere. Also, don’t forget that sin is a part of every life, even with someone who’s depressed. Regular confession helps. Also, striving with all you have in you (and God’s help too) to have good days for your husband, even if its only one a week for now, is honorable. You can sometimes choose to be depressed, and sometimes you can’t help it. When you can help it, do, for his sake and yours. When you can’t, let him know, so he dosen’t think its his fault, or you are just being mean.

Well I hope this helped a little. Its hard to help someone when you are not in their same shoes. If my advise dosen’t fit for you, ignore everything…its A OK with me What’s important here is your healing. Let us know how you are coming along :console:



Convert in 99