Corporal punishment, tips on how to raise children

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Debora123

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Hi everyone!

First of all, happy Valentine’s day to you all! ❤️
I hope you all had a blessed day.

I wanted to start a discussion on disciplining children. I’m not a mom yet, but hope to be within the next 2 years. I know I’m wayyy ahead of the game to be asking these things already, but I’m just excited and can’t wait to be a mom!

So, how do y’all feel about spanking? I go back and forth on it a lot. Sometimes I think I definitely will, other times I feel maybe there’s a better way. What I DO know is that people these days don’t seem to raise their kids the way they used to anymore. And I see testimony of this everywhere I go.

…Say “please” and “thank you,” don’t talk when someone else is talking, don’t throw a fit in the middle of a Walmart, and don’t run around like you own the place when you’re at a restaurant!

Our culture seems to be going through this phase where we’re just like “let’s tolerate everything! Yay!”

…uh no.

So, any thoughts? Any advice? To spank or not to spank?

Thanks guys!
 
I’ve got a 17 month old and still wonder…as a matter of fact…I was talking to God about it today in the eucharistic adoration chapel.

We as parents are supposed to image God’s love, protection etc etc…we enter into His fatherhood. What a task! And I’m always worried about screwing that up!

With discipline (christian discipline) …this is what I’ve learned so far:
  1. Every child is different and responds differently and each child should be looked at as a specific case.
  2. However you choose to discipline…do it out of love. If you choose to use corporal punishment…MAKE SURE YOU ARE NOT angry when you do it. It can’t be frustration that does the punishing…it has to be love…love that wishes the best good for the child!
    3.You need to stay very close to Jesus during this time because that’s where your going to get the strength, heart, and mindset to “image” well!
I’ve always been pro corporal punishment. Primarily because I see the world going the way you do. But keep in mind… Might does not make right…it takes the love I mentioned above that does the disciplining.

Currently, I almost had to kill my son today…
I gave him a little tap on the hand and he hit me 3 or 4 times back with an angry face! I couldin’t believe it! It’s sooo unlike him …but the past week or so, he seems to be hitting me! (you’ll find that it’s sometimes hard to tell if they know what they’re doing or not at this age) …but it sure seemed very direct and I KNOW they’re more “with it” then most people give them credit…even at 17 months!

I wonder to myself if he’s just imitating me by hitting (because he dosen’t know that it’s love that fuels my discipline) or what…

At first…my stern voice or simply saying “no” was able to make him burst into tears and come running to me. Now, i’ve started also giving him a little tap if he repeatedly does something, or does something dangerous to get his attention.

Now, I have to say…we are VERY blessed. He’s really a very, very easy baby! But this past week or so…wow. Also, it might be something to do with his daycare. He’s been kept in the baby room because he loved helping the worker back there and being with the babies…they’ve just recently moved him in the toddler area… I wonder…

please pray for me!

It’s a tough one friend!
 
No hitting for us. That’s not to say I haven’t lost my temper and swatted a little behind… But I was not proud of it and totalky regretted my adult temper tantrum. I don’t think human beings deserve to be hit. Goes against my reverence for the dignity of each person. And my kids aren’t brats (usually!)
 
We are definitely pro spanking. Out of our 3 that are old enough to get disciplined (the other is only 3 months), they have all been spanked, they know they will get spanked if they need it again (sometimes multiple times daily, but not usually), they usually will straighten up with just a look (because they know that means bad news for them if they don’t cut it out), and they all require different amounts of spanking, or discipline in general. Part of my theory is that we are going to have the pretty much under control by the time they are 4 or 5 and we won’t have as hard a time later on as people who let their toddlers get away with anything for 4 years ‘because they are just babies’.

Our oldest (6yo girl) has never really required much more than telling her that we are unhappy or disappointed with her. She can and does get spanked when she needs it, but most of the time, because she is so eager to please us, knowing that we aren’t happy with her is enough to make her stop whatever she did and cry like she’s dying.

The next one (4yo boy) is the most hardheaded one of all. He has had more spankings than the other two combined and they have all been deserved. Problem is, I could beat him with a two by four and he would tell me it didn’t hurt and in an hour he’d try the same thing again. He’s straightening up now, and oddly enough, in the last few weeks, he has been the best behaved of all the big kids.

The next one (almost 3yo boy) is tough as nails normally…unless he is in trouble. Then he is a big wuss. I think I could spank him with a feather and the neighbors would think I’m chopping his arm off. Needless to say, a stern look is *normally *all it takes to get him to behave, but he has been really pushing the limits lately.

I don’t expect to have to discipline the baby too much when he is older. He has the most happy, easy going personality of all the kids and I don’t think it will change much, but we’ll know for sure in another year…

One thing that I do know for a fact is that none of our friends really do much disciplining their kids (generally the same age range as ours) and our kids are so much better behaved than them. I can’t hardly stand to be around other people’s kids most of the time because of the way they are being raised. We get compliments on our kids behavior all the time, which is nice when you are going through the store with 4 kids as young as ours and they are being *pretty *good and people notice. We are also about the only family at our Mass that doesn’t have to go sit in the atrium with our kids because they won’t sit. That is a big pet peeve of mine and they have never gotten away with anything in Mass. If we take them out of the pew, it is only to the bathroom to get popped on the butt and scolded, then right back in to Mass. Any of my kids can be sitting 6 people away from me and if I get their attention, look at them and give them a hand motion to do something or mouth the words, they do it immediately. I’m proud to say that I can sit in Mass with 4 very young kids and the people all around us don’t have to put up with rowdy kids and I don’t have to leave with them.

Another thing that is really important is that we always try to balance their discipline with love. We are very, very strict parents that really don’t put up with any BS, but there is no doubt in any of our kids minds that we love them. You know you are doing something right when you spank them and they turn right around to hug you for comfort.🙂
 
I grew up being spanked with a wooden spoon. I believe that it made a difference (for the better) in how I would behave during the times that my parents firmly enforced things with being spanked. 🙂

If I caused problems in the car, one of my parents would reach back and squeeze my knee. That was effective as well.

Proverbs 13:24 He that spareth the rod, hateth his son: but he that loveth him, correcteth him betimes.
 
No hitting here. My daughter says please and thank you just fine. no temper tantrums in stores. (She’s 13 now, btw.) I think hitting sends the wrong message. There are other ways to discipline besides hitting, imho. Every child is different and will respond differently. When my daughter misbehaved when she was younger, she had to stand in the corner, in a time out.

My parents spanked me (never out of anger, only “discipline”) and I grew up afraid of them. I still feel an emotional distance from them even now because of it.

Nearly all the kids I knew who were spanked were also very stubborn individuals and usually no amount of hitting brought them under control.
 
It’s funny. You can’t correct an adult by hitting them. That will land you in jail and probably bring a civil lawsuit, but striking a child is considered OK even though they are smaller, weaker and immature by definition.
 
We don’t believe that spanking is the best form of discipline. I think there are better ways to do it, and I don’t like sending the message that hitting is a solution to anything. But I have spanked on a few occasions, so I am of course a hypocrite! The times I have spanked have been more attempts to get their attention, along the lines of "snap out of it’ when they’re being irrational and not listening. It has never been as a punishment or out of anger (which is a risk for some parents who choose to smack).

Most importantly, as 28562 said, there needs to be balance between discipline and love. Love should always come out ahead…though I must admit that sometimes, when it’s important that the lesson is well understood, it’s by just a nose.
 
poker10 said:
It’s funny. You can’t correct an adult by hitting them. That will land you in jail and probably bring a civil lawsuit, but striking a child is considered OK even though they are smaller, weaker and immature by definition.
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Some adults could really use that kind of correction—

Just sayin’😃
 
A swat on the backside as a last resort. My girls turned out great. I think staying home and being with them every evening helps.
 
Debora123 said:
Hi everyone!

First of all, happy Valentine’s day to you all! ❤️
I hope you all had a blessed day.

I wanted to start a discussion on disciplining children. I’m not a mom yet, but hope to be within the next 2 years. I know I’m wayyy ahead of the game to be asking these things already, but I’m just excited and can’t wait to be a mom!

So, how do y’all feel about spanking? I go back and forth on it a lot. Sometimes I think I definitely will, other times I feel maybe there’s a better way. What I DO know is that people these days don’t seem to raise their kids the way they used to anymore. And I see testimony of this everywhere I go.

…Say “please” and “thank you,” don’t talk when someone else is talking, don’t throw a fit in the middle of a Walmart, and don’t run around like you own the place when you’re at a restaurant!

Our culture seems to be going through this phase where we’re just like “let’s tolerate everything! Yay!”

…uh no.

So, any thoughts? Any advice? To spank or not to spank?

Thanks guys!
Click to expand...
My cut is your kid will end up picking their punishment. You tend to do what works with that child. I have one incredibly stubborn one who didn’t respond to anything other than a spanking (two swats to the behind). Fortunately, I only had to do it once each time I was setting a boundary, if I didn’t she didn’t take the rule seriously. It was the only way to keep her running away in a parking lot, or into the street. Timeouts were useless- she would storm out of her corner, refuse to stay there, yelling that ‘You aren’t the boss of me!! You’re the one who’s wrong, you go in timeout!!’ Ever stick a kid back in timeout 35 times in a row before losing count? Therapist suggested locking her into a room from the outside, ‘caging’ her that way seemed way too cruel, and it still wouldn’t get her to accept that she was wrong and had chosen to be punished as a consequence. At about 8 we even went to counseling with her and ended up taking away literally everything except one blanket with her having to earn everything back. Her view was she was being unjustly treated, we didn’t have the authority or right to tell her what to do, or take her things, or her door away for slamming it. In her mind she could literally do no wrong, I think she’s apologized twice in her life. She saw herself as a political prisoner/martyr and insisted she wouldn’t be earning anything back because we’d never had the right to take it. Fun stuff. As she got into her teen years she responded to having electronics taken away. By the way, she is graduating this year from college with her B.A. (Debt free!!) and has already started her teaching credential work, I don’t know if that’s because of or despite my guidance.

Second kid responded to what I thought I would do with all my kids. Say no firmly when they were little, reward obedience, use timeouts, explain the reasons for rules as she got older and could understand. I never had to raise a hand to her, never had to even raise my voice. She always acknowledged our authority as parents and immediately accepted any punishment.

Third kid is a very physical little boy, anything physical becomes a game to him. Thankfully, he responded to timeouts. Hated them, always adjusted his behavior after they were imposed, always said he was sorry and accepted correction.

Your expectations at different ages have to be realistic. I didn’t punish my kids when they started acting up in restaurants when they were little. I would take them outside, walk them around- little kids, especially energetic boys just can’t sit still for long periods.

Good luck, kids are a lot of work but incredibly rewarding, just realize they are in fact individuals and what works with one may not work with another. Just my .02.
 
I don’t have any children, but I used to teach dog obedience classes, and train dogs… There are two essential principles of training that apply to every creature from goldfish on up:
  1. Reward behavior that you want more of.
  2. Do NOT reward behavior that you want less of.
Thus, giving a toddler a treat to get him to stop having a tantrum is counter-productive…
:rolleyes:
 
I would definately go with not spanking and have never understood the punishment. Violence doesn’t teach children–just hurts them physically and emotionally.

I would also suggest not just letting them get away with anything or else they’ll wind up being SERIOUS brats. (You don’t sound like you’ll do that, but you haven’t had any children yet and may at least be tempted to be like that with them.)

As for me, if I were to have children, I would try different things out and see what worked best.
 
I teach 2,3,4,5 yr olds for a living. I’ve never had an instance where I felt there was no recourse but to spank a child, and have never done so to mine (obviously not my students either!). I’m not against it, but I think there are much better options these days to truly work with a child, at their level, to help them understand things. If a child is having an incoherent meltdown, I give them a place to have it in- “back then” an adult would often try to shock them out of it by hitting/spanking them. I don’t rule with fear. Let them learn to work through that feeling/problem, and come back to discuss it when ready (yes, even 2 yr olds!) I don’t hit other adults, why am I going to hit a child who has so much less experience or control than I do?

Children must be allowed to make mistakes, mess up, have bad days, and learn through whatever they are doing- that is how we ALL learn.

Now, the 16-23mo period, is, IMO, the most trying 🙂
 
I don’t have children and I don’t know if I ever will. But I will say with total conviction from personal experience that “spanking” is a form of abuse.

We try to clean up the act by giving it a cute little name like spanking or swatting. But it’s making physical contact with the intent to cause pain. That’s hitting. Do it multiple times and it’s a beating. I don’t care if it doesn’t leave a bruise or if they are over the pain in a few minutes. It’s still abusive.
 
pollynova said:
I don’t have children and I don’t know if I ever will. But I will say with total conviction from personal experience that “spanking” is a form of abuse.

We try to clean up the act by giving it a cute little name like spanking or swatting. But it’s making physical contact with the intent to cause pain. That’s hitting. Do it multiple times and it’s a beating. I don’t care if it doesn’t leave a bruise or if they are over the pain in a few minutes. It’s still abusive.
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I agree with you on just one thing: the terms. There is really no difference between spanking and beating. As you have rightly said, hitting repeatedly is beating. But it seems as if beating is often used to refer to hitting repeatedly on different parts of the body with the hand or something else. 🤷

Whatever the case, it boils down to inflecting a certain amount of physical pain.

The alternative is to inflect a certain amount of psychological pain. That’s the truth. You can cause a child serious pain without hitting the child.

Both physical and psychological forms of discipline could have positive or negative effects. As others have said, homes are different; children are different. Parents have to decide for themselves what they think is best for a child.

If inflecting pain is abusive, then inflecting pain is abusive, be it physical or psychological.

For me, such could only be abusive if excessive and when not done with love or out of love.

There is no form of discipline that is guaranteed to work.
 
Rule #1 when having your first child:

Everything you learn before having your first child goes right out the window after you have have your first child. 🙂

We have a secretary in the office that planned everything out in excruciating detail for her first child. This went on for months on end: meal planning, sleep times, play times, etc. Then she had her child. When she came back to the office she said she was amazed at how everything she learned when right out the window and her child ended up setting her (the mother’s) schedule.

RE: corporal punishment.
If I remember correctly, you plan on being a stay-at-home mother. That is an EXCELLENT thing to do if you can. My wife did that. Married parents where at least one stays home AND pays attention to them all day long tend of have better-behaved children.Yes, there are exceptions, but what I’ve stated is something I’ve observed many times over. We’ve actually lost friends over the years because of really out-of-control, destructive children, and they’ve also been of the “divorced parent, doesn’t pay attention to their children” type.

I don’t condone corporal punishment, and that’s coming from something that would get it on occasion as a kid, and thought as an adult it might be necessary (prior to having children). There are ways to punish or restrain children if necessary without corporal punishment, and you will likely learn them as you go, since every child is different.

There have been a few times where I’ve had to restrain the children, either for safety (e.g., on the side of a road with traffic), when they are hitting me (not common with my kids), or when they’re in public and are fired up and out of control. Since I know martial arts; it’s easy. There are points that a person can be grabbed that are very uncomfortable, stop a person in their tracks, yet cause absolutely no harm. These include some pressure points along the shoulders and arms, or simply places between the muscles. It’s worked wonders; it immediately gives child pause. Hitting in its primitive form is a challenge for dominance, and the reason for hitting can get lost in the challenge for dominance. Restraining them in a subtle manner is not, yet sends the message that there are boundaries not to be crossed.

Good luck, future mama!
 
And you know, now that I think about it - the worst behaved kids that I ever knew were spanked. They had a certain anger and defiance in them that I saw as a direct result of being physically hurt and shamed by their parents. I remember telling one mom, “Maybe he will stop hitting his little brother if you stop hitting him!”

I feel like, with kids, if we have any doubt that spanking is healthy for children - we should err on the side of caution. A parent that feels they have no other choice but to hit really just needs some help finding better ways to guide their child. Every time I have spanked one of my kids, it has been when I am personally frustrated, tired or preoccupied with something else. When I am at my best, in control, focused on my kids and feeling good - it doesn’t happen. That shows me spanking is a poor excuse for actual parenting and a lazy out for me when I’m not at the top of my game.
 
My daughter has never required a spanking EVER b/c she is more gentle in her character. My son, however, I has had a few spanks on the bum from me. No bare bum spanking or anything like that…just one “pow” on the bum to get his attention to stop his behaviour.

It really depends on your child. We use time-outs 99% of the time, but every now and then, when I have given my son a million time outs and he’s pulling my daughter’s hair or hitting her, I have given him a smack on the bum.

It’s really up to you and what works for each child.

As for please and thank you, we teach our children to be cordial to others as well.

I find that giving children praise … lots and lots of praise, is by far more effective to get good behaviour. The more praise they get, the better their behaviour. Praise is golden!!!

Every night before my kids go to sleep, I tell them:

“you are such a good girl/boy”
“you are so smart”
“I love being your mommy. You make me so happy.”
“I love you”

I then tell my son something he did that day that I liked:

“you are an engineer! I love the way you build a city out of your lego.”

Or my daughter:

“you read 6 pages today! You are my little reader!!!”

ALWAYS ALWAYS work on their confidence. Build them up as high as possible.
 
You just love stirring the pot…don’t you Debora? Naked pictures, spanking…haha. You need to throw one out on vaccinations …and communion in the hand. Those should be fun.
Debora123 said:
Hi everyone!

So, any thoughts? Any advice? To spank or not to spank?
Click to expand...
When I was younger I used be largely in favor of it. And now, while I am not against it nor consider it abuse or beating like some, I don’t think it should be used as a common form of discipline; only sparingly if at all.
Our culture seems to be going through this phase where we’re just like “let’s tolerate everything! Yay!”
Click to expand...
I largely agree with you here. I think there is definitely a discipline problem with kids these days. There seems to be this attitude that “well he is a toddler, not sharing is normal” or “she is a teenage, being moody is normal” and the behavior is not addressed. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying more spanking is needed…just more discipline.
 
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