Courtship help!

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Becky42

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hi my name is rebecca and i am 21 and my boyfriend/partner is 17 and we have been courting for about a year and a half now.

I was wondering if you could give me any advice as we have had many discussions about when it would be right and appropriate for us to get married/engaged. its a realy difficult situation due to our age difference with me as a 21 year old thinking that waiting more than 4 years from now would be really difficult whereas he is looking at it from the viewpoint that 21 (how old he wil be in 4 years) he feels is too young to get married.

i dont know if its just me, but does age of marriage matter so cruicially or should it be based on the love between the two?

I dont want to run the risk that the relationship might go ‘stale’ due to long courtship but as the female its not really my call on the marriage as i believe it is the male who should propose.

We believe in chastity before marriage and i am also concerned at the difficulty of upholding this if a 6-8 year courtship if what we are going to do.

Also i want to have a decent sized family, like 4 kids probably and would also just like some ‘us time’ after we get married for a year or so unless of course God blesses us earlier. In which case i would be looking at having my first kid at around 28/29 if we were to get married in 4 years which i feel is getting a bit into the later stages.

He wants to be 100% sure before we get married and i agree that you have to be called to it, but is anyone every 100% sure of everything cos i would imagine not.

Deeply in need of some advice.

God bless,
rebecca
 
you began dating when he was 16 or younger? and you were 4 yrs older?
that sends up red flags.

a 21 yr old may be ready for marriage
is a 17 yr old finished with his education, ready to begin his life vocation and career, support a family, and be a good father?
if not, no marriage, sweetie

and of course you already know about the no sex before marriage rule.

if you are ready for marriage suggest you begin looking for a man who is also ready, and stop dating children
 
You are both young, and at his age he is not ready to marry you. He is not even out of high school, and then he will be focused on education for several more years so that he can obtain a career that will support a family.

You, OTOH, are dreaming of marriage now and you want him to give up an important part of his life. Yes, age DOES make a difference most especially at your age and his.

And, you should NOT get married in fear of your relationship “going stale” over the next 4 years. YIKES!

I think his parents were nuts to let you two start dating to begin with. You need to find someone you own age to date, not a high school kid.

Move on.
 
wow, i could not imagine dating a 17 year old boy right now. i don’t know about you, but at 21 im a few months away from being done with college. i could not imagine dating someone who should still be in high school. i don’t blame a 17 year old for thinking he won’t be ready for marriage for awhile, he probably won’t be. but at 21, i AM ready for marriage, so it’s hard to imagine dating someone who doesn’t fully know who they are yet. He needs the chance to live on his own and be independent of his parents and everything before he tries to live with a wife i think. you two should be at different places in your lives, and if not, maybe it’s a problem, or maybe you’ll just have to wait awhile until he’s mature enough. if you don’t want to wait, move on and find someone who is ready for the next step in life.
 
1ke said:
You are both young, and at his age he is not ready to marry you. He is not even out of high school, and then he will be focused on education for several more years so that he can obtain a career that will support a family.

You, OTOH, are dreaming of marriage now and you want him to give up an important part of his life. Yes, age DOES make a difference most especially at your age and his.

And, you should NOT get married in fear of your relationship “going stale” over the next 4 years. YIKES!

I think his parents were nuts to let you two start dating to begin with. You need to find someone you own age to date, not a high school kid.

Move on.
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Hi becky;

I tend to agree with 1ke. You are both very young to be thinking about marriage, and he is only in high school. Personally, my husband and I would not want our son if he were a senior in high school, to be dating someone who is nearly out of college.:o I’m surprised his parents have gone for this, but it’s not for me to judge.

My husband is about 10 years my senior, and it would have mattered ***a lot ***if he were 27, and I was 17. (my family would never have allowed me to date anyone out of high school back then) But, now I’m 39 and he is soon to be 49, so the 'gap, if you will, is shrinking. We have been married for 16 years, and have two children. We met when I was nearly out of college, and he was 30. So, no, I don’t think that age matters if two people love one another, and make a commitment for life, however, it does matter at the ages you are both at, now. A 17 year old has a lot going on, and marriage shouldn’t be on his list of concerns. I think you might be setting yourself up for major disappointment if you ‘wait’ for four years on someone who is nowhere near ready. Just my two cents. Prayers that things work out, and you both make the right decisions for yourselves.🙂
 
I agree.
I don’t think that this relationship is healthy to either one of you.
I shudder when I think about the college guy I dated when I was in high school. He was ready to start settling down and I was just getting out into the world. He didn’t get my need to be free and silly, and I got scared when he talked about the big commitment (although, I am flattered that he felt I was “the one”).
A 17 year old is not ready for marriage, trust me. Where you ready for marriage at 17?
sigh If you really and truly love him, you need to let him go. He needs the chance to go to college and become a man in his time, not yours.
 
wow all…pretty harsh replies. i think a great number of you misinterpreted however, i never said i was discussing marrying him now, rather, in a MINIMUM of 4 years in which case he would be out of college and already working. i would never ever wish to tie him down earlier than this and not him live freely and have the fun of college life and anything else that goes with it.

i myself am still at university and will be for another 2 years or more so getting married earlier than this would really not be on my books either.

in regards to your posts about the age difference i think a great deal of you have been quite judgemental as we both come from very strict catholic families who would not (from either side of the families) have allowed us to court (not date as some of you have been saying) if they did not feel it was appropriate and also its hard for you as posters from another country to even reply about the age difference when you dont know the two individal people at all.

i am also not looking to marry because i am worried about the realtionship going ‘stale’, my comment was moreso about ideas that other people might have to prevent staleness in a long courtship as a long courtship is what is going to occur between the two of us.

maybe i didnt explain myself very well in the original post as it was quite late at night, but i am definitely not trying to rush him into marriage nor wil i be disappointed if it is a very long courtship as i believe that whatever happens to or in the relationship is the intention of God, but you do always go into a relationship with the intention of marriage (or possible marriage) in the future and rather than judgements on the relationship (as i have seem to have received) i was rather seeking thoughts on how long a courtship in this relationship should maybe be approximately and also how to keep our relationship all for God and with the intent of leading one another towards Heaven.

I know a lot of people with the age gaps in ther relationships similar to mine in numerical difference and ages, some even greater with about 8 years being the age difference and i was hoping for something more helpful rather than critical to assist any persons in similar situation.

God Bless
Rebecca
 
You know, Rebecca, the fact that people might disagree with you does not mean they are being judgemental. It means they are expressing an opinion on a subject - opinions you solicited.

I would not worry about the relationship or the courtship at all. If you are both being very holy in your approach to your relationship then, if God has called you both to marriage to each other when it is time it will happen. You won’t have to do anything to keep it fresh or from going stale…you will continue to pray together, attend Mass together, do group things together, talk to each other, remain chaste…all the things you are doing now. And you will continue to pray that God’s Will be done in your lives rather than your will.

God Bless you, Sweetheart. May the Lord lead you and may you listen closely so that you go in the direction HE wills.
 
Becky,

The purpose of courtship is to discern marriage.

If you are not ready to marry-- and since you’ve now clearly explained that neither of you would be in a position to do so for over 4 years-- then you should not be courting.

Courting forms emotional bonds that you are not in a position to act on.

I would recommend not being serious with any one person until you are ready to discern marriage in an immediate fashion-- meaning when you can act on the disernment. Neither of you can act on it, therefore it’s not wise to be discerning it.

Four years is a very long time, and much can change. Take a friendship route, but not a committed, exclusive route.
 
Becky42 said:
wow all…pretty harsh replies. i think a great number of you misinterpreted however, i never said i was discussing marrying him now, rather, in a MINIMUM of 4 years in which case he would be out of college and already working. i would never ever wish to tie him down earlier than this and not him live freely and have the fun of college life and anything else that goes with it.

i myself am still at university and will be for another 2 years or more so getting married earlier than this would really not be on my books either.

in regards to your posts about the age difference i think a great deal of you have been quite judgemental as we both come from very strict catholic families who would not (from either side of the families) have allowed us to court (not date as some of you have been saying) if they did not feel it was appropriate and also its hard for you as posters from another country to even reply about the age difference when you dont know the two individal people at all.

i am also not looking to marry because i am worried about the realtionship going ‘stale’, my comment was moreso about ideas that other people might have to prevent staleness in a long courtship as a long courtship is what is going to occur between the two of us.

maybe i didnt explain myself very well in the original post as it was quite late at night, but i am definitely not trying to rush him into marriage nor wil i be disappointed if it is a very long courtship as i believe that whatever happens to or in the relationship is the intention of God, but you do always go into a relationship with the intention of marriage (or possible marriage) in the future and rather than judgements on the relationship (as i have seem to have received) i was rather seeking thoughts on how long a courtship in this relationship should maybe be approximately and also how to keep our relationship all for God and with the intent of leading one another towards Heaven.

I know a lot of people with the age gaps in ther relationships similar to mine in numerical difference and ages, some even greater with about 8 years being the age difference and i was hoping for something more helpful rather than critical to assist any persons in similar situation.

God Bless
Rebecca
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Hi Rebecca;

I apologize if I was judgemental at all:blush: I actually mentioned that my husband and I are roughly 10 years apart, and it’s worked great. Not a problem at all. But, we both met when he was out of college, and I was almost out of college–which is why I inserted that I personally would not want to see my son date someone who was 21, if he hadn’t graduated high school yet. You are at a different place in your mind, and life–than your bf, but that doesn’t mean it cannot works. Just my opinion–not a judgement. I think that if it is meant to be, if this is God’s will for you both–then everything will work towards that. If things seem to be going against you, and over time–you both don’t have a peace about it–then most likely, it is not God’s will. Just keep praying for enlightenment, and you have my prayers, too. I prayed to God to give me a ‘sign’ that my husband (bf at that time) was the right one for me, and He flooded me with a lot of signs!!!🙂 Good luck to you.
 
You’ll meet the right man at the right time. Sometimes the person seems right, but it’s the wrong time and therefore it’s the wrong person for you. This seems like it may be the case here. Your age difference at this time does seem like a large issue–if you were both in your thirties, for example, it wouldn’t be as much of an issue.

I think you shouldn’t push the issue of marriage at this time–if you can be patient, that might be good, or you may need to move on…
 
You asked if age makes a difference. I think the younger you are the more difference it makes. I don’t know what your courtship entails, but I have to agree with some of the others that the fact you as a 20 year old were already courting him as a 16 year old does send up red flags to me, if you two were dating there would be some serious legal issues there. I don’t know the two of you, how you met, why you think he is the one, but I would encourage you to take a long hard work at the basis of your relationship.

You have said it yourself you two are at entirely different places in your life and you do not know if you can wait for 4 years. Please have hear to heart with this young man and consider allowing both of you to date other people closer to your own age, explore your options. If he really is the one for you, you will figure it out while you are exploring other options, but at least you will know that you did not just “rush in” to the first relationship that you felt was right and took the time to explore other relationships.
 
hi all,

there is no legal issue in our country with us courting, i know things are different in america if this is where the majority of you all are from. (Just thought i’d mention that:) )

we have and will in the future discuss marriage and he has stressed to me that he would not be courting me if he didnt have intentions to marriage in the future, its just that the future is not as soon as couples in a more common situation. so if thats what you mean by discerning marriage then i think we’re ok. but i’m not exactly sure what you mean sorry.

we met at our local parish where we both do music on a regular basis together with a large group of youth and we were friends for around a year and we used to go to adoration together and one day at adoration he seemed upset about something while he was praying and so i prayed with him for his intentions. (he was actually crying because he was asking God for a sign that if it was His intention that we move our relationship out of friendship that God show him a sign tonight or he would wait and leave everything where it was.) That night on the way home from adoration (not knowing his prayers) i felt this need to hold his hand (i was so nervous!) and he said that was the sign he had asked for (along with a lot of signs he said he thought were from God (he hasnt told me all of them yet) and thats how we ended up courting.

We knew our relationship wasnt as standard as everyone else’s and that a great number of people would be opposed, but we did not keep it a secret or anything, and the very next day we went together and spoke to his parents and we told them all about it and asked for their permission to court and they said yes but there were strict rules until he finished his studies about phone calls and only seeing each other on the weekend which was difficult but we stuck to mostly.

and now he is university and so am i 🙂
thats about all the background i can give you without writing a book!

we have both helped each ohter so much in our faith and we love making music together for God at church with all our friends.

i must admit, he is very mature for his age because i know other 17/18 yr olds (its his birthday soon 🙂 ) that go to our church that seem to have the strong faith and maturity that he has (i think this has a lot to do with his parents, they are such lovely faith filled people).

sorry i rambled i just wanted to give you guys some background information.

i really do love him and i think we will get through whatever issues we face as we always have each other’s best interests at heart, and if for us, that means leaving the relationship, then we would do so, but so far it hasnt seemed like this is what God intends for us.

Becky
 
I’ll tell you what Becky… Regardless of your age difference etc the one thing that raised a red flag for me was that despite the fact that you have been dating for a year and a half, 4 years from now seem too soon to your bf for marriage. If he thinks 21 is too young for marriage, 16 is way too young for courtship to discern marriage. One shouldn’t be courting until one is ready to get married in a reasonable time period. I would suggest to cool things down, stay friends if you can, be open to meeting other people, and see what happens.
 
Where are you from? It sounds like this might be a cultural difference since you are right, the majority of the posters are from America.
 
i am from australia, my boyfriend’s dad checked out all the legal issues of our relationship cos people kept using it as an argument and he completely checked it out and he said everything is totally fine. oh my gosh, i wouldnt do anything illegal!!! 😮
 
hey becky, I honestly wouldn’t worry about the age differences. I think people mature at different ages and at 17 he could very well be the same mature age as yourself. I know a couple where the girl was only 16 in highschool when she started dating someone 3-4 years older already in uni, and the families had no problems, both were strong catholics, and they got married 6 months ago when the girl was 21! So honestly, keep your relationship growing and I would say that if in 4 years time if you feel ready, then both of you will know when marriage is right. Just keep open minds and make sure that you can honestly always say that both of you are making the other a better person in every way.

take care.
 
Becky42 said:
wow all…pretty harsh replies. i think a great number of you misinterpreted however, i never said i was discussing marrying him now, rather, in a MINIMUM of 4 years in which case he would be out of college and already working. i would never ever wish to tie him down earlier than this and not him live freely and have the fun of college life and anything else that goes with it.
a
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good advice for any discussion forum, particularly one where you ask for other’s advice: don’t ask if you don’t want to hear the answers.
you probably already anticipated some of the answers, because they address the very concerns and misgivings that spurred to to post in the first place.

if you are not ready for marriage for at least 4 years you are not ready for a serious long term dating relationship, no matter what your relative ages. period.
 
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