Cricis of Faith After Divorce

[joanofarc2008]

I would say that you may want to look into programs through your diocese to help pay for this. I just received my first decision. My xh is already engaged. It is rough but there is joy in it as well. God bless you.

 

[LilyM]

I have a lot in common with the OP in this regard. However, in my particular case, I had plenty of reasons for an annulment; it became a matter of which reason to pick.

The whole annulment process and subsequent convalidation was, and still is, a major issue. I found both the annulment and the convalidation repugnant to my conscience. The fact that an innocent person can be a victim and suffer for the rest of his/her life due to the actions of another is not the natural order of things, nor do I believe that God wants or intends that. Just MHO.

Innocent people suffer for the sins of others in all sorts of ways every day. It’s part of what makes sin so awful. God does not want sin, of course, nor the consequence of innocents suffering. That is why He came to earth to save as many as possible. Until all sin (ie free will) is eradicated, the suffering will continue. And in the meantime unavoidable suffering can and should be a source of grace for those innocents who suffer, a way to come closer to the innocent Lamb who suffered so because of our sins and guilt.

For jace, I did not mean to imply that the only way you relate to women is through sex. But if you relate to them equally or mostly on an intellectual and emotional level, then that is still wide open to you, unhindered by your troubles with your wife. That (the capacity to relate to women in a non-sexual way) is something to cherish, cling to and develop.

You may not be called upon to be ordained, but for the time being you are called on to be chaste. The same stresses might easily have arisen had, say, your wife been in a tragic accident and remained alive but able neither to move nor communicate with you. In both cases you are called on to develop the tools you feel you currently do not have. It is nit easy but not impossible to do so. I speak as someone also not (apparently) called to religious life but also (apparently) not to marriage.

 

[Chantal25]

Dear Jacedace,

First i want to say that i am so sorry about this. Evil is clever to brake off marriage, so clever. New age great thing, is to put in the head of many that you deserve to be happy and should move on from your relationship. It is an epidemic and i am so sad that your wife fell into this trap. This is her life now and all we could do is to pray for her own sake.

Of course, you **shouldn’t **be happy for her in any time but worry for her own salvation. She is committing adultery according to the bible teaching and yes if you desire to fully follow Jesus teaching, you must remain faithful and celibate. You have known the marriage which most friar or priest haven’t. Joy, peace and happiness isn’t found outside but with the lord in you.

I find that it is far more rewarding when i help others, give or share. You will find happiness and see Jesus among the poor, the one in needs or the one that had their heart broken. When we suffer, God loves us even more during those trials to give us faith and peace.

Find a way to forgive her and with Jesus. Jesus mercy will be your strength.

I pray for you to have peace, to have faith, to trust, to find true happiness and to be free from any attachment.

May i kindly suggest for you to offer your suffering to God to save soul.

You are dearly loved and always will be!

 

[Faith_Action]

I would first of all, not be jealous of someone who was/is cheating on you. The person who is going through the grief has the Lord: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for the kingdom of heaven is theirs.”

Also, things are never happilly ever after. Just because she is in this new relationship does NOT mean everything is resolved. Odds are, it’s just a way to re-invent the wheel, and things will never mature as they could have in the original relationship, because of the emotional cheating/etc.

Take a day or two, to thank the Lord for this experience and ask Him what he wants you to do.

 

[styrgwillidar]

A few more thoughts-

I would recommend petitioning for an examination of your marriage for a declaration of nullity. As to cost, contact your diocese most will help defray costs for those who can’t afford the full fee.

Do not petition because you want your marriage declared null.
Do not petition because you want your marriage declared valid.

Petition in the interests of knowing the truth. Because you will be tempted, you will run into someone and start to feel closer, and you will want to feel and be a part of that union that is a marriage - a complete acceptance and support of each other and each others wants and needs. To truly be there for someone else, and know they are always there for you as well.

As a human being it will be very hard to resist that temptation, IMHO, if in the back of your mind that ray of hope that – maybe you can get a declaration of nullity for your first marriage. Maybe… but you’ll possibly be leading yourself on, as well as someone you’re begining to truly care about. You’ll be hurting not just yourself, but that other person as well if your first marriage is found valid.

I think it is better to be firm, commit to finding and accepting the truth and close or open the doors on future possibilities now. Before toying with someone else’s emotions unintentionally, as well as for your own peace of mind.

You may also find witnesses who can testify to things you were never aware of that will lead to better understanding of what went on, attitudes and opinions, motives etc. It may suprise you.

I see the wisdom in the Church’s proceedings from a secular point of view as well. The rates of divorce for second marriages are far higher than first marriages. I think many folks (not all) after a divorce jump into a relationship, not because they are capable of giving, but as a band-aid for their own wounds. They use that other person as a patch on their own hurt, their own doubts about themselves. When they finally feel healed-- they no longer need that person, like a band-aid that’s done its job they are ready to discard it. Because it was all about themselves and numbing their pain instead of finding someone they respect and want to give to. Taking the time that the nullity process requires can be very healthy, allowing you time to heal, become yourself as opposed to the ‘half of a team’ that you are right now. Your identity was primarily husband to…; you are in that limbo as a Catholic of being the legal ex- husband but the sacramental still husband to someone who’s gone. You have to establish your identity again, be comfortable as who you are separate from the team that’s been torn apart.

Very few women understand what sex represents to a man. How binding it is to someone with a moral compass. It isn’t about sex, it’s about unity with that one person, that acceptance. My ex used to accuse me of just wanting sex, not understanding it was about intimacy and acceptance with her. How truly empty and pointless sex is without that as it’s foundation.

I do not miss the sex, I miss that belief that there was someone truly there for me, someone I could rely on, that tactile, tangible light in the darkness of life.

You said you have kids. Be the father, ensure whatever home you make in life is their home as well. They need to know that your home is still their home. Make the effort to call them often, every night at least. Even if they’re just on the phone for a few seconds, they need to know they’re in your thoughts, see you making the effort to stay connected.

It’s a rough time for you right now. You will get through it. Focus on understanding yourself better, who you are, who you choose to be…