I’ve been married 6 years and recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how perspective impacts marriage. I don’t want to go off down the rabbit hole of same-sex marriage or other unusual issues, I’m strictly referring to sacramental marriage between Catholics. I’m curious to discuss different opinions about something because I want to impact my life with my choices for my marriage.
It seems to me there is a popular view of marriage in US culture today that says spouses are close friends who share nearly everything and find a lot of fulfilment in each other. The differences between the spouses are effaced and the lines between roles are blurred, with each spouse doing whatever is necessary to support the other spouse however he can. Traditional behavior doesn’t matter as much as the couple deciding together what works for them. Decisions go much farther than just thinking about what’s right and wrong, but must also fulfill the emotional needs of both spouses. Marriage is somewhat romantic in that the emotional content is one of the most, if not the most, important dimension. Ie, Staying with someone who doesn’t nurture your emotional needs is deemed a loveless marriage in need of serious intervention before it collapses. Spouses are soul mates who should get along well, prefer each other’s company, and be extremely compatible in their views, desires, goals, sexuality, etc. If this is not or ceases to be the case, the marriage is almost doomed. Even if they differ in some of these respects, spouses must be friends first and foremost. The only real solution to martial difficulties, aside from prayer and God’s grace, is therapy, learning to communicate better, self help strategies, mastering each other’s Love Languages, etc.
There seems to be a subtle but drastic difference in the view of marriage in other places in the world and through history. Marriage looks the same from the outside but is more focused on practicality and duty, where spouses get along well enough but aren’t necessarily friends. They live together but keep separate identities to some extent, coming together mainly for sex, family occasions, etc. Spouses generally have different and distinct roles that are not explored by the other spouse, and decisions about those roles are made by the one in that role without consulting the other much. There is nothing wrong with marriages being arranged by others who know both parties well enough. The couple learns to accept each other and adapt their lives but isn’t expected to fulfill their spouse on an emotional level. Couples often get along well, but there is not really a thought to psychoanalyzing each other specifically, just going off of a basic understanding of the opposite sex and a gradual getting to know the spouse. Expectations are more centered around roles and keeping the status quo, and each spouse learns through experience and from peers and elders how best to handle conflicts with their spouse. But conflicts aren’t as emotionally charged, rather disagreements that must be settled whether everyone is pleased with the results or not. The solution to many conflicts is not more communication, but more like a good night’s sleep, the passage of time, and just plain agreeing to disagree. Generally the one considered the leader on the subject gets the final say. Decisions are based more on objective morals than on subjective feelings of the spouse, and anything not sinful is considered fine.
There may be a tendency to romanticize the past (or different cultures) or conversely to believe that these people didn’t/don’t experience love like modern people in the US today. I’m not trying to go to either of those extremes. I realize that different personalities will make up different types of marriages, I just wanted to discuss the overall moré of the cultural norm. I’m going with a fundamental belief that human nature hasn’t changed much, ever, and essentially crosses cultural lines.
I don’t think these views are necessarily conscious, more like automatic expectations. In much the same way that growing children have always defied their parents to some extent but not in the way that’s socially accepted today. It’s not like there was a meeting where it was decided, it just sort of happened culturally.
I also realize that I just described caricatures, not perfect reality. Although I tried to use realistic examples and language.
So do you see the difference I’m talking about? If so what caused it? If you’re married which one does your marriage resemble more? What are other examples of this difference you’ve seen? Which do you think is preferable? Do you find one or the other unacceptable, or is it to each his own? How does pop culture like movies and music contribute to the problem or the solution? How does therapy and self help contribute to the problem or the solution? How does religion contribute to the problem or the solution? Does the view of marriage change from one to the other during the course of the actual marriage? Which way is our culture leaning for the future? Please discuss.
