Cultural split

[Xantippe]

It’s not even a relief for me. I know the havoc I cause.
It’s really uplifting to know you got over it, and that I’m not the only catholic struggling with it. For me it also appears to be what saint Ignatius calls discomfort (?).
But, how did you overcome it?

What a title for the last one! But, good idea. I do have some books gifted at our marriage that I never really opened. That would be a great time. But I’m also planning some fun activities.

Yes.i need to find time and space to relax, pray and sleep. Now I feel burned out myself so generating positivity is really difficult.
By comments, could that also include things like news topics? Talking about “us” is difficult right now, but I also caught myself only sharing bad world news instead of something else.

Just had a short talk. I want to let her know that Im not reacting like this out of arrogance but because I feel powerless like her. She understands it’s difficult for me too, which in itself is hopeful.

From your general comments, I deduct that you still see hope. For me too, now, it doesn’t seem like the end, but almost as the absolute bottom of our relationship. The straw is bend to the maximum, but not broken.

How I got over temper? It helped a lot to realize how BAD it was, because in my family of origin, losing one’s temper was the “acceptable” display of negative emotions. So I’ve

–broadened my repertoire of negative emotions (like it’s OK to be sad or afraid)
–stopped giving myself a pass for losing my temper
–slowed down my responses (it may help being a bit older)
–started being more verbally expressive early on about a problem before I totally lose it

The mom in the How Not to Hate Your Husband book had similar issues–in fact really spectacularly terrible temper issues (like she was calling her husband awful names in front of their little kid). She talks a lot in the book about how the different things she learned while researching the book helped her to get control of herself. (There’s a really gut-wrenching bit where a therapist tells her that when she gets ready to lose it, she needs to go into time out, and look at a photo of her daughter and tell the picture, “I know that what I’m about to do is going to cause you harm, but right now, my anger is more important to me than you are.” )

Like the author of that book, I’ve discovered that I’m actually more persuasive when I’m not ragingly angry. Who knew?

Fun activities are good–but I think you’ll have time to read a book. I know evenings with a spouse and kids away tend to be long and slow.

Now I feel burned out myself so generating positivity is really difficult.
By comments, could that also include things like news topics? Talking about “us” is difficult right now, but I also caught myself only sharing bad world news instead of something else.

It’s not terrible, but it’s not enough.

There’s also a book called Don’t Shoot the Dog that’s about training animals and people through positive reinforcement. That book, the Five Love Languages and any Gottman marriage book will talk about what positive interactions look like. Gottman is especially good on what he calls “recognizing bids” from your spouse and making sure to respond to them.

gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/

There’s also a book entitled “Transforming the Difficult Child” that I don’t actually recommend to you at this point (because it’s not time efficient), but I’ll tell you the relevant approaches from that book, because that was my behavioral bible when I was working with my oldest when she was first having serious behavioral issues at school. What they recommend is learning to notice good things and to verbally express the fact that you see the good thing happening. Learning to verbally notice good things has two positive effects a) it creates a more positive relationship with the person you’re talking to and b) training yourself to see good things will make you happier and more positive. So there’s the potential for a virtuous circle.

From your general comments, I deduct that you still see hope. For me too, now, it doesn’t seem like the end, but almost as the absolute bottom of our relationship. The straw is bend to the maximum, but not broken.

I really can’t tell, not knowing you personally, but unless you and/or your wife are terrible people, of course there’s hope for you.

 

[Xantippe]

If your wife is upper class Latin American, is she having trouble being “poor” wherever it is you live now?

I have heard that it can feel like being downwardly mobile to be just middle middle class in the US.

Is your wife having to do a lot of household stuff that she wouldn’t have had to if she’d stayed in Latin America?

 

[Samwise1]

It could be that she is disappointed in not doing the travelling that some of her sisters can. But we still go out and enjoy life (restaurants, trips etc). Household? She probably would have been caring for her dad if she was there.

Speaking about household, I see some things that should make me feel more positive. She may not smile in my face all day and even keep physical distance (speaking about the “bids”, she’s ignoring most of mine), but still shows her care as a wife.
It could as well be her realizing I need rest and space.

What I mean is, she could be doing exactly the things that are healthy this time: Protecting herself, and protecting me.
This happened before. All I have to do is keep trust, seek happiness and show her im back on track and to be counted on.
But then, finally I should break the circle and provide enough rest for myself and her from the beginning so we won’t end up like this again.

 

[Xantippe]

It could be that she is disappointed in not doing the travelling that some of her sisters can. But we still go out and enjoy life (restaurants, trips etc). Household? She probably would have been caring for her dad if she was there.

**Speaking about household, I see some things that should make me feel more positive. She may not smile in my face all day **and even keep physical distance (speaking about the “bids”, she’s ignoring most of mine), but still shows her care as a wife.
It could as well be her realizing I need rest and space.

What I mean is, she could be doing exactly the things that are healthy this time: Protecting herself, and protecting me.
This happened before. All I have to do is keep trust, seek happiness and show her im back on track and to be counted on.
But then, finally I should break the circle and provide enough rest for myself and her from the beginning so we won’t end up like this again.

Very good.

 

[Samwise1]

I woke up to a smiling woman. It looks good again, judging by her face and words.

But in the meantime I planned a meeting with a psychologist and I planned some hours off.

I think she knows my tantrums are a sign of powerlessness and fear. But of course this is not an easy time for her as well, so I can’t expect her to support me, to help me or to take away these worries.

I don’t want to close this subject yet, as I’m curious about what this sudden ‘making it up’ again could mean. I want her to be happy, because that’s part of my affirmation (we are married so one of my goals is that my wife gets holy).
Did she sleep well and pray over everything?
Does she just want to be rid off all the stress?
Or is her love for me stronger than her pain?
Did my offer to give her more control, release her a bit (put her in a better position within our marriage)/

 

[Xantippe]

I woke up to a smiling woman. It looks good again, judging by her face and words.

But in the meantime I planned a meeting with a psychologist and I planned some hours off.

I think she knows my tantrums are a sign of powerlessness and fear. But of course this is not an easy time for her as well, so I can’t expect her to support me, to help me or to take away these worries.

I don’t want to close this subject yet, as I’m curious about what this sudden ‘making it up’ again could mean. I want her to be happy, because that’s part of my affirmation (we are married so one of my goals is that my wife gets holy).
Did she sleep well and pray over everything?
Does she just want to be rid off all the stress?
Or is her love for me stronger than her pain?
Did my offer to give her more control, release her a bit (put her in a better position within our marriage)/

I’m really concerned about you being in a situation where your wife wakes up smiling and you want to** explain **that.

I’m glad you’re seeing a psychologist.

As you’re working on this, please be open to the possibility that you and/or your wife get some sort of psychological diagnosis and wind up on some form of medication. (A lot of people nowadays are on anxiety medication, for example. A young mother I know in real life was melting down and actually walked out on her husband but is now on anti-anxiety medication, at home, and is keeping it together a lot better.)

It may be necessary for you to overcome a lot of cultural prejudices on your wife’s part about medication for psychological issues. There are (unfortunately) cultures where people prefer to walk around being crazy rather than accepting a diagnosis and medication.

Keep your eyes and ears open and bear in mind that your baby’s medical issues may be the least of your family’s problems.

Best wishes!

 

[Samwise1]

I’m really concerned about you being in a situation where your wife wakes up smiling and you want to** explain **that.

This may sound stupid, but can you put it more bluntly? I just have trouble reading between the lines.
Do you mean it’s concerning that she doesn’t smile every morning?
Or do you mean that a smile is the evident sign of good things happening?

Sorry, I just have been confused a lot in the past about our emotions and they can change fast.
But I am sure I saw a honest, real, relieved and loving smile. I don’t have to explain that no. But what I can’t explain, is this sudden change. It can only be real love or a miracle after our downtime. I just don’t feel a lot of hope and positivity in mt current state. But I want to believe!

Yes, I keep saying that it feels strange that the person I worry least about, is the most vulnerable and diagnosed person of the three of us.

About medication and psychiatry, I think that’s safe. She went with me when I went for self medication in the past. But I think it’s not in the medication for me, it’s in the way I structure my thoughts. For her, she will visit a psychiatrist in her own country.

I want to emphasize that our problems always were survivable, just a matter of acknowledging our different heritages, apologizing and taking more account.

Now we had a very very stressful time, not only for the diagnosis but also some other setbacks and taxing changes. And that makes our differences light up, while due to our moarning process works even more counterproductive…

 

[Xantippe]

This may sound stupid, but can you put it more bluntly? I just have trouble reading between the lines.
Do you mean it’s concerning that she doesn’t smile every morning?
Or do you mean that a smile is the evident sign of good things happening?

Sorry, I just have been confused a lot in the past about our emotions and they can change fast.
But I am sure I saw a honest, real, relieved and loving smile. I don’t have to explain that no. But what I can’t explain, is this sudden change. It can only be real love or a miracle after our downtime. I just don’t feel a lot of hope and positivity in mt current state. But I want to believe!

Yes, I keep saying that it feels strange that the person I worry least about, is the most vulnerable and diagnosed person of the three of us.

About medication and psychiatry, I think that’s safe. She went with me when I went for self medication in the past. But I think it’s not in the medication for me, it’s in the way I structure my thoughts. For her, she will visit a psychiatrist in her own country.

I want to emphasize that our problems always were survivable, just a matter of acknowledging our different heritages, apologizing and taking more account.

Now we had a very very stressful time, not only for the diagnosis but also some other setbacks and taxing changes. And that makes our differences light up, while due to our moarning process works even more counterproductive…

I mean that it’s normal to get up feeling reasonably positive because every day is a new day.

I have to mention that you’ve described an unusually high amount of conflict and drama in a new marriage.

 

[Samwise1]

Yes, we have a lot of drama. I’m being honest here - I love her, but looking back of things I’d have had a better preparation to our marriage

However - I love her deeply. Our basic personalities fit together, but we let ourselves be influences by too much outside and inside factors - our families, our mood - but not enough by our common faith.

This episode, including all your feedback, the feedback from my spiritual director and my doctor, finally seems to have convinced me about the one I should have the most care for:
Myself and my own soul.

I have been so busy trying to make others happy, looking at their faces (I suspect mild autism in myself and heard other people referrring to that).

Some things I learned - I just write down so I can hold myself better to them:
Don’t look at others faces, look at myself and from there decide my path. I’m bad at reading faces anyway, so it’s no use guessing their feeling. I know my wife well enough to express when she really doesn’t like something. I know her well enough to trust on my decisions when I take them with confidence.
Don’t ‘solve’ frustration by excersing more control, just accept it and take more rest. Outing frustration almost never is the solution of the frustration: The solution, is letting go and let the other person take responsibility. If there’s something annoying, it’s annoying me. If there’s something really not good, it’s not an issue ‘between us’, but for our baby (for example). So change the situation by just changing the situation and saying why, not by making a negative comments.
Look to God - Hes the Healer, and actually is the place to confide our personal problems.
Just be ‘present’. No need to fill up emptiness by talking always, just be present for now so my wife knows I’m there. Actually, that’s the best therapy I can give her - confiding in me.
Sleep.
Pray. Read about God, talk with God.
Enjoy. Meet friends, meet familiy. But most of all, enjoy a walk, enjoy looking at my baby. And at my wife for her own beauty and presence.
Realize that my wife made sacrifices, and be thankful - but don’t take that to mean I have to sacrifice my life - instead, stay strong so she sacrified for a real man and not for a timid, little boy.
Be clear and willing. Yesterday I brought up two topics of our planning (I’m doing the logistic planning) and instead of insisting her presence, I outlined a plan so she knows really what she’s up to.
Take some days off.

OK, so here’s my plan to self-recovery. Taking in mind above ‘analysis’, taking the steps to improve the state of my soul, and talking with my doctor to find a solution for my tantrums because they are more of a result of discomfort, weakness and tiredness than of something else.

 

[Xantippe]

Yes, we have a lot of drama. I’m being honest here - I love her, but looking back of things I’d have had a better preparation to our marriage

However - I love her deeply. Our basic personalities fit together, but we let ourselves be influences by too much outside and inside factors - our families, our mood - but not enough by our common faith.

This episode, including all your feedback, the feedback from my spiritual director and my doctor, finally seems to have convinced me about the one I should have the most care for:
Myself and my own soul.

I have been so busy trying to make others happy, looking at their faces (I suspect mild autism in myself and heard other people referrring to that).

Some things I learned - I just write down so I can hold myself better to them:
Don’t look at others faces, look at myself and from there decide my path. I’m bad at reading faces anyway, so it’s no use guessing their feeling. I know my wife well enough to express when she really doesn’t like something. I know her well enough to trust on my decisions when I take them with confidence.
Don’t ‘solve’ frustration by excersing more control, just accept it and take more rest. Outing frustration almost never is the solution of the frustration: The solution, is letting go and let the other person take responsibility. If there’s something annoying, it’s annoying me. If there’s something really not good, it’s not an issue ‘between us’, but for our baby (for example). So change the situation by just changing the situation and saying why, not by making a negative comments.
Look to God - Hes the Healer, and actually is the place to confide our personal problems.
Just be ‘present’. No need to fill up emptiness by talking always, just be present for now so my wife knows I’m there. Actually, that’s the best therapy I can give her - confiding in me.
Sleep.
Pray. Read about God, talk with God.
Enjoy. Meet friends, meet familiy. But most of all, enjoy a walk, enjoy looking at my baby. And at my wife for her own beauty and presence.
Realize that my wife made sacrifices, and be thankful - but don’t take that to mean I have to sacrifice my life - instead, stay strong so she sacrified for a real man and not for a timid, little boy.
Be clear and willing. Yesterday I brought up two topics of our planning (I’m doing the logistic planning) and instead of insisting her presence, I outlined a plan so she knows really what she’s up to.
Take some days off.

OK, so here’s my plan to self-recovery. Taking in mind above ‘analysis’, taking the steps to improve the state of my soul, and talking with my doctor to find a solution for my tantrums because they are more of a result of discomfort, weakness and tiredness than of something else.

Not bad.