Curious: Wedding RSVP & Etiquette if Something Comes Up

[skigirl1689]

We are invited to my cousin’s wedding in August and are planning on attending. However, my dad’s work is unpredictable and there’s a project just days before that very well could hinder us from driving to the wedding. It’s a 10+ hour drive, so it’s not like we can just go the morning of. He said to RSVP and we’ll just see how it works out.

It’s not my decision to make, and I understand he cannot control when they decide to do these projects; it’s an industry where they need to schedule shut-downs to get the work done.

But I am curious; what is the proper thing to do when you RSVP and then something legit prohibits you from going? Obviously, try to let the couple know ASAP, but is it rude to plan on going even with the possibility you won’t make it? I’m sure it happens a lot with life being unpredictable by nature but it still makes me kind of worried about it for some strange reason.

Thanks!

 

[PatriceA]

I think it depends upon the bride and their budget. When I was a bride I totally understood relatives that were in this kind of position and why they RSVPed when there was a chance they still couldn’t make the wedding. I anticipated such problems when the budget for the reception was decided and finalized.

Other brides though, have concerns about paying for a meal and not having the guest show up. My husband’s cousin is getting married in September and they are on a VERY tight budget. When the invites came out, we were facing a similar situation due to my husband’s work schedule and after talking with people associated with the wedding, we declined the invite due to the uncertainty of us being able to go. Turns out we can’t go after all.

As a former bride, I appreciated people talking to me about their situation ahead of time so I could tell them not to sweat it if they didn’t come at the last minute but please RSVP if there was a good chance they could.

 

[EasterJoy]

As a former bride, I appreciated people talking to me about their situation ahead of time so I could tell them not to sweat it if they didn’t come at the last minute but please RSVP if there was a good chance they could.

This…and also offer to RSVP regrets, if that is best for whoever is sending out the invitations. Since you are not the one with RSVP control, though, while giving your cousin the heads-up about what might be unexpectedly coming down the pike is a good thing, it is better that your parents do it.

 

[newf]

Within the last 6 years, my husband and I have put on 2 weddings.

We had around 200 pp at each. On the morning of each wedding we got a call from someone who could not attend… a sick child, an unforeseen circumstance, or whatever. I really appreciated the calls. And it was no problem. You have to know this kind of thing will happen especially if you invite a larger crowd. And you have to accept that it is okay.

When people put on a wedding, they really need to leave some ‘wiggle room’ for unforeseen circumstances. And you have to have in your head that the most important thing is the bride and groom. All other things aren’t so important. We got a call the morning of our first wedding that our church musician was stuck in an airport in another state. We knew if there was to be no music, it would be okay. We had the priest, the bride and groom, that was all we needed. And it all worked out fine. Btw, the musician was able to get another flight and he made it in time. Phew.

OP, I would RSVP ‘yes’ because you want to attend. And let the bride know that you may have a glitch, that way she will not be caught off guard.

 

[johnnyjones]

I would say respond with, “we would most certainly like to attend but with my husbands schedule I am unable to say definitively that I will be there. If I do not attend I will pay for any inconvieniences this creates.”

If you really feel bad about not going the mention of payment can relieve your conscience and may be worth it although it hurts your pocket. Good luck.

 

[skigirl1689]

This…and also offer to RSVP regrets, if that is best for whoever is sending out the invitations. Since you are not the one with RSVP control, though, while giving your cousin the heads-up about what might be unexpectedly coming down the pike is a good thing, it is better that your parents do it.

Oh yes, definitely…I am in my early 20s but due to a disability I live at home, so sometimes I want to get involved in things but know it’s not my place. I did mention to my dad, “umm, you do know they need to plan for how many people, don’t you?”

As to the budget and how it would affect the bride, I have no idea. My cousin is the groom and I cannot remember the last time I saw him, maybe Christmas of '08. I know they both have professional positions, and they are living on the west coast but the wedding is in MI. I wouldn’t know how to contact either of them, besides Facebook, and even that would be hit or miss.

I was part of my friend’s wedding last summer and I know she would have been furious, but then again, everything was an issue with her:shrug:.

Thanks for the replies!

 

[newf]

I would say respond with, “we would most certainly like to attend but with my husbands schedule I am unable to say definitively that I will be there. If I do not attend I will pay for any inconvieniences this creates.”

If you really feel bad about not going the mention of payment can relieve your conscience and may be worth it although it hurts your pocket. Good luck.

No, you do not offer to pay for any inconveniences. There is no way you should ever have to do that. It is very rude for anyone putting on a wedding to even think that someone should have to pay for not showing up.

 

[newf]

Oh yes, definitely…I am in my early 20s but due to a disability I live at home, so sometimes I want to get involved in things but know it’s not my place. I did mention to my dad, “umm, you do know they need to plan for how many people, don’t you?”

As to the budget and how it would affect the bride, I have no idea. My cousin is the groom and I cannot remember the last time I saw him, maybe Christmas of '08. I know they both have professional positions, and they are living on the west coast but the wedding is in MI. I wouldn’t know how to contact either of them, besides Facebook, and even that would be hit or miss.

You can write a note on the RSVP card that you mail back, just mention you are really excited to attend but that there may be a chance you can’t make it. Ask them how you should let them know if your circumstances change. They obviously have your address and maybe you could give them your email and phone number.

 

[faithfully]

RSVP yes, and if for some reason you can’ attend, call the moment you know.

I had a groomsman call the morning of our wedding to not be able to make our wedding. Turns out forest fires don’t wait for a wedding to finish.

This sort of thing happens. Most people just roll with it. And if they don’t, then I really wouldn’t worry about “etiquette”, as they aren’t either.

 

[aicirt]

We are invited to my cousin’s wedding in August and are planning on attending. However, my dad’s work is unpredictable and there’s a project just days before that very well could hinder us from driving to the wedding. It’s a 10+ hour drive, so it’s not like we can just go the morning of. He said to RSVP and we’ll just see how it works out.

It’s not my decision to make, and I understand he cannot control when they decide to do these projects; it’s an industry where they need to schedule shut-downs to get the work done.

But I am curious; what is the proper thing to do when you RSVP and then something legit prohibits you from going? Obviously, try to let the couple know ASAP, but is it rude to plan on going even with the possibility you won’t make it? I’m sure it happens a lot with life being unpredictable by nature but it still makes me kind of worried about it for some strange reason.

Thanks!

I assume you and your mother and maybe another relative are going and someone else can drive. Certainly, you were planning on staying over for two nights. So what is stopping the rest of you from driving the 10 hours. That is duable in one day, next is the wedding, following day drive home.

I would tell them x number will definitely be coming and hopefully Dad too depending on his schedule. Ask what is the latest they need to know re. Dad so they don’t get billed for his dinner. The rest of you go and have a good time.

 

[johnnyjones]

No, you do not offer to pay for any inconveniences. There is no way you should ever have to do that. It is very rude for anyone putting on a wedding to even think that someone should have to pay for not showing up.

You didn’t read it right. If your not sure you will show up at a wedding but offer to pay what for what would have been yours how is that rude? Your showing you want to go but may not be able to while being considerate of the expenses.

 

[Pink_Lemonade]

It’s okay for your Dad to RSVP yes if he thinks there is a good chance you’ll all be able to go, but he should also put a note in with your RSVP card, or call/email and let them know there is a possibility you won’t be able to make it. And then, if he finds out he won’t be able to make it, let them know as soon as possible.

At my wedding, we had to give the caterer a final count three days before the wedding. Two people who had previously RSVP’d yes let us know in time that they wouldn’t be able to make it, and so we were able to save a bit of money because they let us know soon enough. Two more people, however, had said they were coming and never even showed up, and did not let us know, so we lost that money. I think that as long as you let them know your circumstances, and keep them updated, they will really appreciate it.

 

[skigirl1689]

If it was up to me, I would give them a heads up about it, but it is not my place. I am sure my dad will contact someone if it happens to not work out…I’m sure it unfortunately happens more than not, such is life.

It’s good to know it is ok to RSVP even with an uncertainty. Hopefully it all works out.

RSVP yes, and if for some reason you can’ attend, call the moment you know.

I had a groomsman call the morning of our wedding to not be able to make our wedding. Turns out forest fires don’t wait for a wedding to finish.

This sort of thing happens. Most people just roll with it. And if they don’t, then I really wouldn’t worry about “etiquette”, as they aren’t either.

I’m so sorry this happened to you! But like I said before, life happens and it is beyond anyone’s control.

I hope most people understand in these situations, as the saying goes, even the best laid plans…

 

[faithfully]

I’m so sorry this happened to you! But like I said before, life happens and it is beyond anyone’s control.

I hope most people understand in these situations, as the saying goes, even the best laid plans…

Oh, don’t be sorry. You’re right,things happen… My wedding was AWESOME.

Most people do understand. That’s why I think it’s fine to RSVP with a yes, and perhaps a note of possability. Then go from there. Being as prompt as possible with any change of plans.

 

[skigirl1689]

Oh, don’t be sorry. You’re right,things happen… My wedding was AWESOME.

Most people do understand. That’s why I think it’s fine to RSVP with a yes, and perhaps a note of possability. Then go from there. Being as prompt as possible with any change of plans.

So glad it was wonderful! My friend’s wedding was kind of unpredictable but it all worked out! We had a roaring thunderstorm during the ceremony, with rain going sideways, but she had decided to change it to the church instead of an outside venue. Then we had tornado warnings in the area while we were taking photos. Made for a memorable day for sure!

 

[newf]

You didn’t read it right. If your not sure you will show up at a wedding but offer to pay what for what would have been yours how is that rude? Your showing you want to go but may not be able to while being considerate of the expenses.

Sorry I wasn’t clear… No, it’s not rude to offer to pay, but it is totally unnecessary because as a guest, you are not obliged to pay for anything. It is not your business what the wedding costs and you shouldn’t need to worry about that. I think you are motivated out of kindness, but I think you are misdirected.

It IS rude for someone putting on a wedding to expect their guests to pay for anything.

 

[PatriceA]

You didn’t read it right. If your not sure you will show up at a wedding but offer to pay what for what would have been yours how is that rude? Your showing you want to go but may not be able to while being considerate of the expenses.

Actually I know your motive is from a kind heart, but it still can come off not in the manner you think it could. You could offend the bride’s family or whomever is paying for the wedding expenses that you think they can not afford your meal if there is a hiccup in you being able to attend. You have to tread lightly with these kinds of situations and unless you know the bride’s family extremely well and know 100% sure they wouldn’t be offended by such an offer, you shouldn’t make the offer to pay for your share of the expenses if you have to cancel last minute. It could be taken as being very ill mannered with some families.

 

[johnnyjones]

Actually I know your motive is from a kind heart, but it still can come off not in the manner you think it could. You could offend the bride’s family or whomever is paying for the wedding expenses that you think they can not afford your meal if there is a hiccup in you being able to attend. You have to tread lightly with these kinds of situations and unless you know the bride’s family extremely well and know 100% sure they wouldn’t be offended by such an offer, you shouldn’t make the offer to pay for your share of the expenses if you have to cancel last minute. It could be taken as being very ill mannered with some families.

The reason I brought up paying is because the OP was concerned about that issue and comments were being made about her absence causing “set backs”. In this case I maintain the answer should still be to be considerate and make that offer.

 

[johnnyjones]

Sorry I wasn’t clear… No, it’s not rude to offer to pay, but it is totally unnecessary because as a guest, you are not obliged to pay for anything. It is not your business what the wedding costs and you shouldn’t need to worry about that. I think you are motivated out of kindness, but I think you are misdirected.

It IS rude for someone putting on a wedding to expect their guests to pay for anything.

Of course you are not obliged to pay for anything but this was a concern to the OP. I don’t think you closely read the OPs post. I am not misdirected, I am addressing the OP concern which you and others are sidestepping.

 

[johnnyjones]

Actually I know your motive is from a kind heart, but it still can come off not in the manner you think it could. You could offend the bride’s family or whomever is paying for the wedding expenses that you think they can not afford your meal if there is a hiccup in you being able to attend. You have to tread lightly with these kinds of situations and unless you know the bride’s family extremely well and know 100% sure they wouldn’t be offended by such an offer, you shouldn’t make the offer to pay for your share of the expenses if you have to cancel last minute. It could be taken as being very ill mannered with some families.

Thats what I would do but maybe you guys are right, I’m a man so that could be it.