Cutting contact with an elderly relative?

[Truth_Faith13]

This is difficult to explain as there is so much background information to this and I would rather not go into specifics.

But my question is, is it ever OK to cut contact with an elderly relative? (A grandparent)

Over the years she has caused a lot of hurt. She is very good at manipulating and game playing and has caused many family rifts only to play the “sweet little innocent old lady routine” afterwards keeping in contact with everyone while other family members don’t talk/see each other. In short she is very toxic. She treats my Mum (her daughter) horrendously and I’m starting to get frustrated that all of my family’s information (health, general goings on etc) is told to members of the family we no longer see (because of her) but she never tells us anything!

I’m just at the point where I’m tired and I have had enough. Since the rift happened a couple of years ago, I’ve realised just how toxic, controlling and drama seeking some members of my family are as since not seeing them (their choice not mine) my life has been calmer, happier and free of drama…except my grandma!

I’ve tried talking to her but she never listens, just switches off and says “yes yes whatever” and walks off. I look at the hurt in my mums eyes and how she treats my mum and it makes my blood boil.

Any advice greatly recieved!

 

[Aggie414]

I say you’re perfectly within your rights to cut contact with anyone who’s toxic. I will say I think it’s incredibly sad and my heart hurts for you that you didn’t have a good relationship with your grandmother – some of my best childhood memories are of time spent with my grandmother.

The one thing I would urge is continue to pray for her because she’s obviously a very unhappy woman that that’s how she has to live her life – pitting family member against family member. I have a family member who does that – not to the extreme as seems to be your case – but it’s just very sad for them. And remember if you do see her at family functions or whatever to just be polite.

 

[Casilda]

You are describing my own mother. She managed to alienate the entire family, both sides, hers and my dad’s. It is not OK to totally cut off this person. Then again it is wise to protect yourself. I learned that they will not change, it will not get better. Visit, make it short and sweet. Do not divulge person info. Determine if they are being cared for, their physical needs are being met. My cousin used to drop by and said hello, since she lived closest, and let me know of any issues (mental, physical). Something about staying in contact but not entangled with conflicts.

 

[PraiseChrist]

Hi, I hope that any problems may be resolved, and I’ll keep your family in prayers.

 

[EasterJoy]

We are responsible for teaching people what behavior we will and will not tolerate, both towards ourselves and also towards others. You are not bound to stand around and watch while your grandmother mistreats others just because she either cleverly operates under the false pretense that she doesn’t or because she rarely aims her mistreatment directly at you. If she habitually stole money out of other people’s purses and would not stop, would you stand around at watch? What she steals instead has been of far greater value than what anyone keeps in their purses.

Yes, you may morally avoid contact with your grandmother because it is a reasonable response to her habitual and willful bad behavior. If she amends, you can rethink that.

I would tell your mother that you’re not going to be seeing Grandma any more. If you like, it might be nice if you help your mom “de-brief,” but it you think that is turning out to be enabling your mother to continue to tolerate intolerable behavior, then don’t. If you do not want to tell your grandmother, I’d say her habit of saying one thing to people’s faces and quite different things behind their backs gives you reasonable cause to keep your reasons to yourself. You may not lie, but you have every right to keep your reasons to yourself.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are describing my own mother. She managed to alienate the entire family, both sides, hers and my dad’s. It is not OK to totally cut off this person. Then again it is wise to protect yourself. I learned that they will not change, it will not get better. Visit, make it short and sweet. Do not divulge person info. Determine if they are being cared for, their physical needs are being met. My cousin used to drop by and said hello, since she lived closest, and let me know of any issues (mental, physical). Something about staying in contact but not entangled with conflicts.

I can agree that there is a responsibility to see to the physical welfare of our families when that is not enabling a life-threatening addiction or some kind of immorality, but why is it not OK to cut off contact with someone who habitually poisons your relationships with your other relatives? What self-defense is there, other than that, when someone has made covert aggression her stock and trade?

Keep in mind that the OPs mother is seeing to the grandmother’s physical needs. I would think the great responsibility is in paying attention to the welfare of the mother’s emotions. The grandmother has sown the wind and can morally be allowed to reap the whirlwind, particularly when the alternative is to give her the near occasion of sin to keep up her offenses against her family.

 

[mommy_k]

Yes it’s fine to end a relationship with an abusive and toxic relative.
God does not want to live your life allowing another to steal your peace and cause you to have negative emotional fallout which includes stress and anxiety.
You can forgive grandmother from afar.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Thanks for the advice and prayers!

I do have some good memories growing up with her, she is actually OK with children and animals. As a child I would have been sheltered from the rifts that occurred when I was younger. It’s only now as an adult that I see the behaviour myself and know the stories of previous rifts.

It’s my Mum I feel for, she has a heart of gold and still tries to see the best in her mum. Once upon a time, we were seen as the close knit family, family was the most important, nothing could break the blood bonds etc. I feel betrayed now that I have learnt it has all been based on control, manipulation and toxic behaviour.

My Grandma’s physical welfare is met, she doesn’t want for anything.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks for the advice and prayers!

I do have some good memories growing up with her, she is actually OK with children and animals. As a child I would have been sheltered from the rifts that occurred when I was younger. It’s only now as an adult that I see the behaviour myself and know the stories of previous rifts.

It’s my Mum I feel for, she has a heart of gold and still tries to see the best in her mum. Once upon a time, we were seen as the close knit family, family was the most important, nothing could break the blood bonds etc. I feel betrayed now that I have learnt it has all been based on control, manipulation and toxic behaviour.

My Grandma’s physical welfare is met, she doesn’t want for anything.

Provided that you aren’t helping your mother enable your grandmother’s offenses–which would seem to be a major near occasion of sin for your grandmother, whether she sees it that way or not–it would be a mercy to help your mother as you can. It would be better you do not encourage her to do anything that enhances your grandmother’s ability to offend, even for the sake of reducing open conflicts. There are worse things than “scenes” that put family imperfections on display. You don’t defend peace when you give aid to covert relational aggression.

That does not imply you are morally bound to witness, aid, or tolerate your grandmother’s offenses. A long and unrepentant history of sowing discord will alienate a grandmother from her grandchildren; it is not immoral or ungrateful when the children or grandchildren make an honest effort at decent behavior a non-negotiable condition of continuing contact with them. It is not uncommon for them to be duty-bound to avoid these continuing attacks. (Not just because they may be the only ones with the power to protect themselves from her, but also because they present a near occasion of sin for her by sticking around to be used in her offenses.)

 

[WT1]

Honestly there isn’t anything an elderly person can do to you that you don’t allow. If her comments hurt you then you are letting them. If she is sharing information then don’t give her the information. If she gets negative then change the subject.

What I have learned is that there are topics (non toxic) that elderly people like, for example stories from their childhood. Lead them in that direction, listen and their demeanor changes.

Constantly talking about things that distress them such as their healthy, strained family relationships or other negative comments only results in frustration for all parties. My wife’s grandmother was like this but I worked with the other family members to stick only to positive topics and the situation improved immensely. Now if you have one person that won’t comply then the conversations tend to stay in a negative rabbit hole.

 

[JB_Brother_4446]

This is difficult to explain as there is so much background information to this and I would rather not go into specifics.

But my question is, is it ever OK to cut contact with an elderly relative? (A grandparent)

Over the years she has caused a lot of hurt. She is very good at manipulating and game playing and has caused many family rifts only to play the “sweet little innocent old lady routine” afterwards keeping in contact with everyone while other family members don’t talk/see each other. In short she is very toxic. She treats my Mum (her daughter) horrendously and I’m starting to get frustrated that all of my family’s information (health, general goings on etc) is told to members of the family we no longer see (because of her) but she never tells us anything!

I’m just at the point where I’m tired and I have had enough. Since the rift happened a couple of years ago, I’ve realised just how toxic, controlling and drama seeking some members of my family are as since not seeing them (their choice not mine) my life has been calmer, happier and free of drama…except my grandma!

I’ve tried talking to her but she never listens, just switches off and says “yes yes whatever” and walks off. I look at the hurt in my mums eyes and how she treats my mum and it makes my blood boil.

Any advice greatly recieved!

Obviously, if someone doesn’t respect you, you should cut them off. Personally I don’t judge based on family relations but if someone’s a pain in the side and someone who isn’t.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

Honestly there isn’t anything an elderly person can do to you that you don’t allow. If her comments hurt you then you are letting them. If she is sharing information then don’t give her the information. If she gets negative then change the subject.

What I have learned is that there are topics (non toxic) that elderly people like, for example stories from their childhood. Lead them in that direction, listen and their demeanor changes.

Constantly talking about things that distress them such as their healthy, strained family relationships or other negative comments only results in frustration for all parties. My wife’s grandmother was like this but I worked with the other family members to stick only to positive topics and the situation improved immensely. Now if you have one person that won’t comply then the conversations tend to stay in a negative rabbit hole.

Unfortunately the topics my Grandma likes is knowing everyone else’s business but not talking about her own which makes conversations difficult. I have tried to stop the information sharing by saying simple responses like “fine thank-you” but she finds out from other people.

One day we found out she had gone to visit a relative (who I’ve never met due to a rift caused by her before I was born) because his wife (my grandpa’s sister) had died about 6 weeks before, which she had known about and never once mentioned it to my mum (who did know her albeit hadn’t seen for years due to rift).

I would never casually talk about topics that distress her but it’s difficult to have a conversation as its not as simple as choosing a topic she likes. She’s not a two way conversation person.

 

[oldgraymare2]

Honestly there isn’t anything an elderly person can do to you that you don’t allow. If her comments hurt you then you are letting them. If she is sharing information then don’t give her the information. If she gets negative then change the subject.

What I have learned is that there are topics (non toxic) that elderly people like, for example stories from their childhood. Lead them in that direction, listen and their demeanor changes.

Constantly talking about things that distress them such as their healthy, strained family relationships or other negative comments only results in frustration for all parties. My wife’s grandmother was like this but I worked with the other family members to stick only to positive topics and the situation improved immensely. Now if you have one person that won’t comply then the conversations tend to stay in a negative rabbit hole.

I personally think that some people just happen to be disagreeable and toxic. I think that they’re just vindictive, no matter what you say or do, or no matter how you respond to them. That just happens to be the way that they are. That has been my own personal experience, when dealing with really toxic and dysfunctional people.

I find that people often say things like, “we allow others to treat us this way or that way,” and so on, but I personally just happen to disagree with comments like that.

I don’t think that there is a “one size fits all” answer to all situations. I personally think that each situation is usually different, and I think that sometimes we just each have to find a way to deal with it that works for each of us.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. It is not OK to totally cut off this person. .

Huh? What ever happened to don’t cast your pearl’s before swines

OP, I think it is OK to avoid this person. I would not directly tell her you are cutting her off because she will just tell everyone and paint you in a negative light.

I also would wait for your mom to clue in something is up before telling her. As much as I personally think it would be wise to avoid this person like the plague, I don’t think you should expect your mom to follow suit.

I had to cut contact with my brother. People ask and I just say ‘walk in my shoes before judging me’

Angie

 

[Listener]

Honestly there isn’t anything an elderly person can do to you that you don’t allow. If her comments hurt you then you are letting them. If she is sharing information then don’t give her the information. If she gets negative then change the subject.

What I have learned is that there are topics (non toxic) that elderly people like, for example stories from their childhood. Lead them in that direction, listen and their demeanor changes.

Constantly talking about things that distress them such as their healthy, strained family relationships or other negative comments only results in frustration for all parties. My wife’s grandmother was like this but I worked with the other family members to stick only to positive topics and the situation improved immensely. Now if you have one person that won’t comply then the conversations tend to stay in a negative rabbit hole.

I agree with this. I would recommend cutting contact with a very disagreeable friend, but not with a relative as close as your own grandmother. My grandparents have been dead for many years, and sometimes I dream about them. It would be so wonderful to see them again!

If your grandmother upsets you, you can suddenly remember a reason that you need to be someplace else. You don’t need to sit and listen to that for hours. On the other hand, if she starts telling an interesting story about your family history, you can tell her that you really appreciate the information and that you are going to write it down in your notebook. Believe me, when you get older, you will be glad you wrote it down.

Mean things that she said or did to family members years ago should be no concern of yours.

Announcing that you’re “cutting contact” with a relative serves no good purpose, unless they are carrying a gun and trying to shoot you!

 

[EasterJoy]

Unfortunately the topics my Grandma likes is knowing everyone else’s business but not talking about her own which makes conversations difficult. I have tried to stop the information sharing by saying simple responses like “fine thank-you” but she finds out from other people.

One day we found out she had gone to visit a relative (who I’ve never met due to a rift caused by her before I was born) because his wife (my grandpa’s sister) had died about 6 weeks before, which she had known about and never once mentioned it to my mum (who did know her albeit hadn’t seen for years due to rift).

I would never casually talk about topics that distress her but it’s difficult to have a conversation as its not as simple as choosing a topic she likes. She’s not a two way conversation person.

You might consider arranging to keep the visits short. For instance, you can come about the time your mom will be headed for the door, leave with your mom, and then let your mom de-brief with you or just let her spend time with you to shake off the dust. She can trust that you will understand how exhausted she is by the visits, but you don’t have to expose yourself to a lot of Grandma to do it.

When someone has a toxic view of the world, though, it’s pretty difficult to have an edifying conversation. It makes you want to do things for them that they’ll enjoy but not spend a lot of one-on-one time, if that makes your mother feel better. If you show up, say, “hi, Grandma,” do some little tasks around the house, then say, “well, give me a kiss, I have to go, Grandma,” then that helps your mom get out sooner and puts Grandma in a little better mood, and makes you a little more likely to just be left out of her loop: too boring to be a source of gossip but too useful for her to want to drive you away by direct nastiness.

 

[mommy_k]

Honestly there isn’t anything an elderly person can do to you that you don’t allow. If her comments hurt you then you are letting them. If she is sharing information then don’t give her the information. If she gets negative then change the subject.

What I have learned is that there are topics (non toxic) that elderly people like, for example stories from their childhood. Lead them in that direction, listen and their demeanor changes.

Constantly talking about things that distress them such as their healthy, strained family relationships or other negative comments only results in frustration for all parties. My wife’s grandmother was like this but I worked with the other family members to stick only to positive topics and the situation improved immensely. Now if you have one person that won’t comply then the conversations tend to stay in a negative rabbit hole.

There are many things an elderly person can do to someone.
They can do a character assasination, relay past private things about a person to orhers, slander them , stalk by phone, harrass, cause drama, curse verbally and spiritually, and try and control this way.
If they have a phone and an evil mean streak anything is possible.

All you can do with someone Ilke this is pray and stay away from a person like this.

 

[oldgraymare2]

There are many things an elderly person can do to someone.
They can do a character assasination, relay past private things about a person to orhers, slander them , stalk by phone, harrass, cause drama, curse verbally and spiritually, and try and control this way.
If they have a phone and an evil mean streak anything is possible.

All you can do with someone Ilke this is pray and stay away from a person like this.

Yes, they can be very difficult and abusive, where it is better to limit contact with them.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I agree with this. I would recommend cutting contact with a very disagreeable friend, but not with a relative as close as your own grandmother. My grandparents have been dead for many years, and sometimes I dream about them. It would be so wonderful to see them again!

If your grandmother upsets you, you can suddenly remember a reason that you need to be someplace else. You don’t need to sit and listen to that for hours. On the other hand, if she starts telling an interesting story about your family history, you can tell her that you really appreciate the information and that you are going to write it down in your notebook. Believe me, when you get older, you will be glad you wrote it down.

Mean things that she said or did to family members years ago should be no concern of yours.

Announcing that you’re “cutting contact” with a relative serves no good purpose, unless they are carrying a gun and trying to shoot you!

I wasn’t really thinking about making an announcement of it, I was asking more for me and if I would be OK limiting/cutting contact or if I should just suck it up and spend time with her.

I don’t hold things that happened in the past against her, only what she has said/done to me and my family now but the past behaviour which is identical just proves that it is who she is is/her personality as opposed to her getting older in years (which would be an entirely different situation)

She doesn’t tell me interesting stories of our family history. I wish she was that sort of Grandparent!

 

[Truth_Faith13]

You might consider arranging to keep the visits short. For instance, you can come about the time your mom will be headed for the door, leave with your mom, and then let your mom de-brief with you or just let her spend time with you to shake off the dust. She can trust that you will understand how exhausted she is by the visits, but you don’t have to expose yourself to a lot of Grandma to do it.

When someone has a toxic view of the world, though, it’s pretty difficult to have an edifying conversation. It makes you want to do things for them that they’ll enjoy but not spend a lot of one-on-one time, if that makes your mother feel better. If you show up, say, “hi, Grandma,” do some little tasks around the house, then say, “well, give me a kiss, I have to go, Grandma,” then that helps your mom get out sooner and puts Grandma in a little better mood, and makes you a little more likely to just be left out of her loop: too boring to be a source of gossip but too useful for her to want to drive you away by direct nastiness.

I probably should have said, I don’t visit her where she lives. I can’t.

Recently she hasn’t been able to drive so my parents pick her up when they can and we spend the day with her. She can drive again now though. So we will be back to her just turning up unannounced. I’m hoping that as I now live further away, she won’t do this at mine and just go to my parents.