Daddy-Daughter problems: Boyfriends

[alyssa_arasely]

Alright, I have a problem. I am a seventeen year old girl and am due to go to college in a few months as I have graduated. I’m a proud catholic and so is my boyfriend. For some reason, my father refuses to call him my “boyfriend” and simply refers to him as “your friend.” I can not go see him on my own and I have to take my younger brother out with me if it’s going to be just us. I’m at my wits end and I feel as if my father does not trust me at all. My boyfriend understands that I am saving myself for marriage and has chosen to respect my wishes. My father says that having a boyfriend is not going to happen for me any time soon. I have NOT received a calling to become a nun and I love my boyfriend. I think that I am old enough and mature enough to make my own decisions. I pray all of the time that my father see my point of view but, we still get in the hugest of arguments on the issue. I’m writing here because I would like some catholic advice on my problem. Thank you.

 

[takers]

Has your Dad interacted with the boyfriend beyond just saying “Hi” to each other when he picks you up for a date? Maybe invite the boyfriend over to hang out with your family on a Saturday afternoon to give your Dad a chance to get to know him better.

Unfortunately, this is one of those situations that while you’re under your Dad’s roof you need to abide by his rules. So your best bet is to get your Dad to know your boyfriend better in the hopes of liking him enough to loosen the reigns. Since you mention that you’re college-bound soon know that your Dad is probably trying to hold onto his memories of his little girl before sending you off into the big, bad world which could be clouding his judgement.

Good luck!

 

[alyssa_arasely]

Yes, he has. I have movie nights ever so often with my friends but he still doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that we are together. And yes, that’s what I’ve heard. I’m going to keep trying. But, maybe the fact that I’m growing up is the problem. I just am not sure because I’m the oldest and we’ve never been through this before. It’s new territory for both of us.

 

[Trishie]

Dear alyssa_arasely, when we are 17 we feel very mature, and it’s only as you become older that you will understand how young that actually is.
When some day you may you have a seventeen year old daughter, you may not find your Dad’s attitude was so strange after all.

It isn’t so much a lack of trust, as it is a desire to protect his young daughter.
It could also be said that you do not trust your Dad to be wise.
And it is not very mature to fight with your Dad, so when you do become mature enough to face challenges with respect and calmness, and without getting into big fights with him, he may feel more confident in your maturity.

The difference between ‘friend’ and ‘boyfriend’ is one of semantics.
I hope you can try not to let it worry you.
A daffodill is no less valuable or beautiful if someone calls it a ‘weed-flower’ instead of a ‘flower’. Your boyfriend is who he is to you whether you call him a ‘boyfriend’ or a boy friend.

Your Dad as a parent will know that 17 is young to commit and that how many years are still left before it is sensible to marry…three, four…that’s a long time.
Your Dad knows that so much can go wrong with relationships and marriage…and we parents do worry about our children’s long-term happiness, and we know more of what can go wrong even in the soundest relationships.

It’s hard for a Daddy to find his little girl is grown up. Please have pity on him as well as yourself, dear.
Ah, so you’re the oldest.
Be kind to your dear old Dad. It’s hardest with the first.
It’s awfully hard for parents to adjust to the changes. We go through a difficult period of adjustment…and the first child is where we painfully begin to learn to let go. We parents go through far more than our young people know.

 

[alyssa_arasely]

Dear alyssa_arasely, when we are 17 we feel very mature, and it’s only as you become older that you will understand how young that actually is.
When some day you may you have a seventeen year old daughter, you may not find your Dad’s attitude was so strange after all.

Yes, I understand. Sometimes, I let my angst get the best of me and I tend to think of myself as independent when in reality, I can’t do much without my parents help.

It isn’t so much a lack of trust, as it is a desire to protect his young daughter.
It could also be said that you do not trust your Dad to be wise.
And it is not very mature to fight with your Dad, so when you do become mature enough to face challenges with respect and calmness, and without getting into big fights with him, he may feel more confident in your maturity.

That makes me think a bit. I think he tries to tell me that he knows but I think the words come out wrong, often. And yes, even my boyfriend tells me that fighting is not the way to go. It’s just that I get so frustrated with his rules and regulations. For instance, it was my best friends birthday a few days ago and upon learning that my boyfriend was going to be there, he was not going to let me go. According to him, he had had enough of him for a while. I told him he was being completely unreasonable because I was going for my best friend. NOT my boyfriend. Luckily, my mother stepped in and helped talk some sense into him.

The difference between ‘friend’ and ‘boyfriend’ is one of semantics.
I hope you can try not to let it worry you.
A daffodill is no less valuable or beautiful if someone calls it a ‘weed-flower’ instead of a ‘flower’. Your boyfriend is who he is to you whether you call him a ‘boyfriend’ or a boy friend.

Thank you. That makes me feel way better about that.

Your Dad as a parent will know that 17 is young to commit and that how many years are still left before it is sensible to marry…three, four…that’s a long time.
Your Dad knows that so much can go wrong with relationships and marriage…and we parents do worry about our children’s long-term happiness, and we know more of what can go wrong even in the soundest relationships.

It’s hard for a Daddy to find his little girl is grown up. Please have pity on him as well as yourself, dear.

And Yes. I do respect my father’s advice. I just wish he was not so overbearing. I will. Thanks!

 

[Trishie]

Dad’s can be that way. Your Dad does appear to be clear regarding the boundaries, and perhaps it is partly due to him that you have clear moral boundaries, but he is protective, as good Dad’s are.
I’m actually a grandma, and my beautiful granddaughter went through all that with her Dad…but it’s okay now. There was a lot of emotions, and there were arguments, in one very difficult year, which was sad because they meant so much to each other, my son and his daughter.
It took a while, but the young man is respectful to him, and her Dad finds that he likes the him. He is accepting of him.
It was very hard for my son, especially as a single Dad who raised her alone.
I pray that all will go well for you, and for your Dad.

 

[alyssa_arasely]

Yes, I figure that we are both going to need patience and time. I’m glad that it all worked out for your granddaughter and her dad. I hope it works out for me, as well. You give amazing advice! Thank you!

 

[thewanderer]

Dear alyssa_arasely, when we are 17 we feel very mature, and it’s only as you become older that you will understand how young that actually is.
When some day you may you have a seventeen year old daughter, you may not find your Dad’s attitude was so strange after all.

It isn’t so much a lack of trust, as it is a desire to protect his young daughter.
It could also be said that you do not trust your Dad to be wise.
And it is not very mature** to fight with your Dad**, so when you do become mature enough to face challenges with respect and calmness, and** without getting into big fights with him**, he may feel more confident in your maturity.

The difference between ‘friend’ and ‘boyfriend’ is one of semantics.
I hope you can try not to let it worry you.
A daffodill is no less valuable or beautiful if someone calls it a ‘weed-flower’ instead of a ‘flower’. Your boyfriend is who he is to you whether you call him a ‘boyfriend’ or a boy friend.

Your Dad as a parent will know that 17 is young to commit and that how many years are still left before it is sensible to marry…three, four…that’s a long time.
Your Dad knows that so much can go wrong with relationships and marriage…and we parents do worry about our children’s long-term happiness, and we know more of what can go wrong even in the soundest relationships.

It’s hard for a Daddy to find his little girl is grown up. Please have pity on him as well as yourself, dear.
Ah, so you’re the oldest.
Be kind to your dear old Dad. It’s hardest with the first.
It’s awfully hard for parents to adjust to the changes. We go through a difficult period of adjustment…and the first child is where we painfully begin to learn to let go. We parents go through far more than our young people know.

I’m sorry, but I’d just like to point out that the OP **never **indicated that she has fights with her dad about this, let alone big ones.

You do bring up a very important point that at 17 its very easy to feel very mature and not fully realize how young one still is, and it is very important to keep this in mind. However, I think it is just as important to acknowledge that since we don’t really know either the OP or her dad it is possible that her father is a little out of line. Not all parents are perfect by any means. Even well intentioned parents mess up some things.

OP, I would agree with the earlier advice of just try to accept that this is the way things are. Respect your fathers rules while in his house and try to understand how difficult this is for him. Also, while I don’t think that 17 is necessarily to young to be dating, I think, especially as it sounds serious, that you should take some time to really think about the future, and whether you are really at a place in your life where you are ready to be in a serious relationship. Take it from one with experience, finding the right person, dating them, getting to the point in your relationship where you are both ready for marriage, and then having to wait a long period of time before marriage is **not **easy. It would be hard to put a hold on such a relationship at any time, but I rather think it is hardest when you are both all set and ready for marriage and have to wait because of other circumstances. Its definately doable, but hard. I also think its really important to develop ones own character and personality seperate from that of ones boyfriend. Because of this its often a really good idea to get some time apart, have seperate interests and friends, make sure to give each other enough space to develop fully independantly of each other. Also, just because I have become convinced this book should be a required read for everyone I really suggest reading “Love and Responsibility” by JPII. It is an excellent book that really helps get at the heart of what a relationship ought to be, and what it shouldn’t. Most of all, just try to have patience with your dad. Its quite possible that you are mature enough to be dating, and so that he is a little out of line, but I am sure it is all truly meant out of love. It can be frustrating, but it is one of his ways of saying that he loves you, by trying to protect you.

 

[Trishie]

I pray all of the time that my father see my point of view but, we still get in the hugest of arguments on the issue.

The wanderer says:“I’m sorry, but I’d just like to point out that the OP never indicated that she has fights with her dad about this, let alone big ones.”

Just to point out to thewanderer that she does in fact say so.

However she shows a wonderful spirit and her various comments show what a lovely person she is, and also what a fine young man her boy friend is.

 

[SaintPatrick333]

Alright, I have a problem. I am a seventeen year old girl and am due to go to college in a few months as I have graduated. I’m a proud catholic and so is my boyfriend. For some reason, my father refuses to call him my “boyfriend” and simply refers to him as “your friend.” I can not go see him on my own and I have to take my younger brother out with me if it’s going to be just us. I’m at my wits end and I feel as if my father does not trust me at all. My boyfriend understands that I am saving myself for marriage and has chosen to respect my wishes. My father says that having a boyfriend is not going to happen for me any time soon. I have NOT received a calling to become a nun and I love my boyfriend. I think that I am old enough and mature enough to make my own decisions. I pray all of the time that my father see my point of view but, we still get in the hugest of arguments on the issue. I’m writing here because I would like some catholic advice on my problem. Thank you.

Please understand your dad is like this because he loves you. I’m the same way with my sister. Any guy she brings home to meet the family, even if it’s just a friend from school, I instantly dislike. As far as I’m concerned they are just trying to get in her pants. And thus big brother mode (or in your case, father mode) kicks in and its guilty until proven innocent. Bare with it. This is a very difficult time for your dad where he has to let go. It’s not something every parent, especially a loving parent, can do. He will eventually. Just work with him, bare with him and above all, respect him. Good luck in the future! God Bless.

 

[thewanderer]

The wanderer says:“I’m sorry, but I’d just like to point out that the OP never indicated that she has fights with her dad about this, let alone big ones.”

Just to point out to thewanderer that she does in fact say so.

However she shows a wonderful spirit and her various comments show what a lovely person she is, and also what a fine young man her boy friend is.

Sorry about that. Thanks for the correction.

 

[Kelfa28]

Hi!
As I post this I just wanted to let you know that it’s currently 4:30 am and I am awake with my 3 month old daughter, trying to get her to go back to sleep. My husband is asleep but he was in this same position, at the same time, yesterday.

She’s about as perfect, sweet, wonderful, smart and beautiful as we could have ever expected. Those aren’t my words…they are her father’s words. We want her to have the best and be the best and we hope we can raise her to be a good Catholic girl and are trying to figure out how were going to make that happen.

I could suggest you read this post to your dad and say…“sound familiar?” But I know you won’t. Still, it is familiar and likely they were saying the exact same thing about you 17 short years ago, plus or minus a few months, and will also say “where has the time gone?”

I find your post interesting because as we were driving home from lunch yesterday the song “Cleaning This Gun,” by Rodney Adkins came on the radio. If you haven’t heard it, it’s a song about a father letting his daughter go out with a boy on a date.
I asked my husband what he thought about his little girl dating a boy at the age of 16 (I’m guessing around the same age you started dating your boyfriend, plus or minus a few months) and he didn’t want to imagine the possibility.
“Even if it’s a nice boy from church?” I asked and he shook his head and said that would worry him even more. He also mentioned something about him already owning a shotgun, shovel and his father’s 20 acres of land.


While it may seem like such a long time away to worry about something like this…the fact is our clock has already started ticking away and has literally run out for your parents.

Your parents are lucky because they have raised a good catholic girl but they are about to send her off into the big world and that is a big deal. They want you to be everything they dreamed of being and they don’t want you to be heart broken or in trouble. It’s kind of like taking a test they’ve spent 17 years studying and preparing for.
Boyfriends are tough because it’s a variable they can’t control. They can’t control who that boyfriend is and how he acts around you. They only way they can control the situation is making it difficult to see your boyfriend, hence the “little brother” variable they can add to the equation to stabilize it.

In regards to your situation with your boyfriend. How serious is it? Are we talking marriage next year and the possibility of starting a family now or are you two planning to separate for college and earn degrees first?
I’m not saying either is good or bad…frankly, I wish I met my husband at the age of 18 and married him then…but we met at age 24 and had already both fallen off the “Catholic wagon” and had to work our way back on.

Just keep in mind that a whole lot can happen in the coming years and your parents know that. Also, you do seem like a very mature and well-rounded young lady. However, you are still just that…a young lady who hasn’t seen too much of the world outside of her parent’s house on her own yet.
Saying you feel mature and truly acting like you are mature are very different things. Sometimes it takes a few more trips around the sun to realize this.
I thought I was mature and grown-up at the age of 17. Looking back it makes me smile and laugh a little.

My advice? I’m sure you have plans that you’ve thought through with your boyfriend…with college and what not. That you plan to wait until marriage? Have you let your parents know this? How about just your mother? She will tell your father anyway.
Keep bringing your boyfriend over your house if your parents will let you. Bring him for family dinners, study time, movie nights…whatever but it gives your parents a little control over what is going on with your two. Besides…you might be too young to go on two many dates unsupervised anyway as this brings about situations and temptation for you both.
See if you can go out on more dates with other friends…personally, I feel this is quite reasonable and should be encouraged.

Take it slow unless you are actually discerning an engagement and marriage soon. Have fun…and above all…listen to what your parents have to say and discuss a clear and reasonable set of rules you all can live by.

 

[Credo_ergo_sum]

As someone 17-years old as well I might be able to give you some advice.

Your father’s (non-)recognition doesn’t change a thing about your relation with this boy, now does it? But don’t be too hard on your dad, he’s thinking it’s in your own self-interest.

So, I suggest that, if he really is the love of your life, you won’t let family stop you. Remember Romeo and Julia? You should read it if you haven’t already, maybe ask your father to read it as well, maybe he gets the message

 

[1ke]

You mention in your post that you are saving yourself for marriage and he respects your position. But my question would be does he hold the same position?

Is he a Catholic committed to chastity and purity out of love for God? Or is he agreeing to you saving yourself for marriage while not particularly believing in it himself?

This makes a difference.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

Another thing, dating is a precursor to marriage. It’s not something we just do for fun. Perhaps your dad knows this. At 17 you’re very young, and not really in a position to discern marriage.

 

[Trishie]

Sorry about that. Thanks for the correction.

I should have mentioned that I thought you made some good points that I overlooked.
(As have others)

 

[garn9173]

Alright, I have a problem. I am a seventeen year old girl and am due to go to college in a few months as I have graduated. I’m a proud catholic and so is my boyfriend. For some reason, my father refuses to call him my “boyfriend” and simply refers to him as “your friend.” I can not go see him on my own and I have to take my younger brother out with me if it’s going to be just us. I’m at my wits end and I feel as if my father does not trust me at all. My boyfriend understands that I am saving myself for marriage and has chosen to respect my wishes. My father says that having a boyfriend is not going to happen for me any time soon. I have NOT received a calling to become a nun and I love my boyfriend. I think that I am old enough and mature enough to make my own decisions. I pray all of the time that my father see my point of view but, we still get in the hugest of arguments on the issue. I’m writing here because I would like some catholic advice on my problem. Thank you.

As a Dad, your post is coming across to me that your Dad is having a hard time wrapping his hands around the thought that you’re not “Daddy’s little girl” anymore. Give him some time and eventually he’ll come around. Does your dad & your boyfriend share the same interests? That would be a starting point for the two to spend time together.

 

[Sky_Pilot]

You’ve already received some really good advice.
I see something significant:
You mentioned this is new territory for you both. :yup:
I was also an oldest, and an oldest is the trail-breaker: we carry our parents’ hopes and wishes, their dreams and desires; we break open the way for our siblings to follow.
Our parents make their first mistakes with us.
Our parents are hardest on us, hold us to the higher standard, and yes, they make their mistakes on us first.
That you recognize this is new territory for you both speaks to both your maturity and your perception.
One other thing, from the standpoint of a greying old granddad:
No matter how old she gets, a daughter is always Daddy’s little girl.
Daddies are like that.
I know I am.
My stepdaughter just started chemo, she had surgery for pancreatic cancer, and I wanted nothing more than for cancer to be a corporeal, physical entity, so I could draw a yard of shining steel and charge screaming to deal with this threat to someone I remember well … but my daddy’s memories lean heavily toward pigtails, pinafores, freckles and other obsolete points in time.
(Nancy’s surgry was a best-case scenario, they believe they got it all and gave her an excellent prognosis!)
You’ve shown good judgement thus far and you strike me as the kind that will consider many points of a case before rendering your verdict. Good for you! :tiphat:

 

[Usige]

Another thing, dating is a precursor to marriage. It’s not something we just do for fun. Perhaps your dad knows this. At 17 you’re very young, and not really in a position to discern marriage.

My thoughts were along similar.

@alyssa_arasely, being the father of a 17 year old daughter perhaps I can give you a little insight to what your father might be thinking.

As Deo Gratias42 says, dating is a precursor to marriage. it’s intent is to decide if this is the person you will spend the rest of your life with. As I have told my daughter, if she thinks someone is her “boy friend” does she think they are the one she will marry? If not, that boy is just a friend she enjoys hanging out with. It really comes down to why she might want to form an exclusive relationship. In my mind when you plan on making an exclusive relationship you have to ask why. Is he a boy friend because you might want to marry him or is calling him a boy friend just a way to identify the person you are focused on until some future breakup?

As a father I concern myself that my daughter will become emotionally attached to someone that is just looking for someone to hang with until someone more interesting comes along. I have 3 sisters and watched 2 of them go through emotional roller coasters about how their boy friend didn’t love them anymore when he found someone else to be with. Both of them ended up giving up their virginity in an effort to “hold on to” the latest in a string of “boy friends”. They were then devastated when those guys bailed on them when they got pregnant. My first question was “once you were serious did you ever talk about marriage?” Both of them said “no” because that was something for the future.

I am not opposed to my daughter going out with boys, but if she wants to be “exclusive” she needs to ask herself if this is the guy I might marry. You said you want to save yourself for marriage, but to what purpose is an exclusive relationship if that is not the long term plan?

Just a little background. My wife and I started dating right when she turned 16. We knew with-in 3 months that we intended to get married. Why? Because we started talking about what a long term relationship was meant for in the first 6 weeks after we started dating. We both agreed that dating just to have fun was pointless unless the goal was to figure out if a person was who we intended to be with the rest of our lives. Have fun sure, but if we couldn’t see being married then it was just a form a recreation.

Maybe that will give you some perspective on why your father might not call him your boy friend. I would do the same thing if my daughter (or sons) couldn’t say yes that she was discerning if this was her future spouse.

 

[PaulGH]

Alright, I have a problem. I am a seventeen year old girl and am due to go to college in a few months as I have graduated. I’m a proud catholic and so is my boyfriend. For some reason, my father refuses to call him my “boyfriend” and simply refers to him as “your friend.” I can not go see him on my own and I have to take my younger brother out with me if it’s going to be just us. I’m at my wits end and I feel as if my father does not trust me at all. My boyfriend understands that I am saving myself for marriage and has chosen to respect my wishes. My father says that having a boyfriend is not going to happen for me any time soon. I have NOT received a calling to become a nun and I love my boyfriend. I think that I am old enough and mature enough to make my own decisions. I pray all of the time that my father see my point of view but, we still get in the hugest of arguments on the issue. I’m writing here because I would like some catholic advice on my problem. Thank you.

I know that you feel as if your father is being overly protective. (And perhaps he is; I don’t know.) But he also probably is using the wisdom of his experience to try to help you avoid making a big mistake. Your father was once 17 years old as you are now. And he probably remembers, as I do, that young men and women around that age can be very easily and very strongly tempted toward sexual sins, even if they are strongly committed to abstinence outside of marriage.

As to him not wanting to use the term “boyfriend,” there could be a couple of things going on here: One is he may think that you are too young to get too seriously involved with anyone yet. And if you don’t think you will be ready for marriage within the next two or three or four years, then I think he probably has a very good point.

Another possibility is that he may just not like the term “boyfriend” (or “girlfriend”) in general. I don’t really like these terms either, because our society has invested these terms with a meaning that is almost along the lines of a pseudo-marriage. When people in their 20s, or even their late teens, speak of their boyfriend or girlfriend, there can be an implication of a serious commitment (though not a permanent one!) and also of sexual intimacy. The commitment that is implied here may not be completely compatible with a truly Catholic idea of courtship and discernment leading up to marriage. And of course the implication of sexual intimacy outside of marriage is problematic.

In summary, maybe your father is being somewhat overprotective, or maybe he is being completely reasonable – it is hard for me to say. Either way, I am sure that he has your best interests in mind, and that he is drawing on his own experience and wisdom. Please remember that he loves you, and that you should respect him and love him in return.

Also I know that it is difficult to be a teenager dealing with a parent who you perceive as overly protective. But please also bear in mind that being a parent of a teenager, even the world’s most well-behaved and perfect teenager, is very difficult and stressful. That’s not because you have done anything wrong; but the teenage years are a difficult and stressful time for any parent. One day you will probably know that from experience – for now just please take my word for it.