Damaged Faith

[uglygal]

Where to start? I was born and raised a catholic and went to a catholic school. I grew up in the faith - church every Sunday without fail, daily rosary, weekly fasting and weekly confession. Constant stories about the saints and how “heroic” they are. Obey priests, never question, be a saint for God. What was wrong?

24 years of being taught to hate yourself, until self-hate becomes an art - depression, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, self-mutilation, suicide attempts, abuse by religious … imitate the crucified christ

24 years with no relationships - solitary confinement, living in isolation, must do penance, can’t have boyfriends or God will send me to hell. My body is sin and evil, my feelings are depraved and evil … I am evil.

24 years of being taught by your teachers in the “holy faith” a jansenist heresy of how to be hated by God and hate yourself for been born. 24 years believing that being born was a sin and doing penance for the sin of being alive, 24 years believing I am a soul in the line of Judas, born and destined for damnation.

And then, when everything has been said and done - an indifferent dismissal, an indifferent “oh well” - you were taught wrong, you were subject to poor catechesis. Laugh, giggle, how funny, you were educated poorly. Oh well. Forget everything, Jesus loves you. Jesus was suffering with you, Jesus gave you this cross to bear.

I really can’t find the words to say how much damage has been done. I don’t feel angry or any emotion when I try to put it into words. I just feel numb. I feel assaulted by the christian religion and church.

My spirituality is anti-christian in the sense that I have a great aversion to any form of christian devotion now. I am afraid of the rosary, the chaplets and the devotions. I am afraid of novenas, the saints and Mary. I’m afraid of Jesus and do not trust Him.

The only one I trust and love is God the Father He saved my life because He showed me that He loves me. He answers my prayers and helps me, so much so that I am healing sooo fast it surprises me He loves me and His love is like a balm placed over my heart. :console:

but I think my christian faith (faith in Jesus) is dead because I have real difficulty dissociating it/Him from pain and abuse and false hope.

I don’t know, what do you people think? Anyone been through a similar experience? or similar feelings? I’d appreciate any opinions / advice.

Thankyou in advance

 

[JesusLovesAll]

Jesus IS God!

 

[JesusLovesAll]

I grew up as a Catholic but I was taught very, very little about my faith - both in my family and at the catholic school I went to. As a result the life I have led has not been the one I would have chosen had I known more about my faith.

*24 years of being taught to hate yourself, until self-hate becomes an art - depression, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, self-mutilation, suicide attempts, abuse by religious … imitate the crucified christ

24 years with no relationships - solitary confinement, living in isolation, must do penance, can’t have boyfriends or God will send me to hell. My body is sin and evil, my feelings are depraved and evil … I am evil*

*24 years of being taught by your teachers in the “holy faith” a jansenist heresy of how to be hated by God and hate yourself for been born. 24 years believing that being born was a sin and doing penance for the sin of being alive, 24 years believing I am a soul in the line of Judas, born and destined for damnation. *

I think that there are extremists in all religions and they can do just as much harm as having no religion/faith at all. It is up to you to find the happy medium with your faith. Do not let the experiences of people destroy your faith in Christ. God the Father is Love and He gave us Jesus His Son out of Love. Please don’t disregard what Jesus did for you and for all of us just because some people in your life have felt the need to take all the love out of the legacy Jesus gave us.

BTW, I noticed your user name is “uglygal”. Do you honestly think Jesus would call you that? I know you say that you associate Jesus with all the bad things that have happened but just remember His life was full of even worse things than what has happened to you. And He accepted all these things out of love for YOU. So please, please, please, I beg you, don’t blame Him for the misguided actions of others.

http://www.littleflower.org/

 

[Godlovestrength]

24 years of being taught to hate yourself, until self-hate becomes an art - depression, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, self-mutilation, suicide attempts, abuse by religious … imitate the crucified christ

And then, when everything has been said and done - an indifferent dismissal, an indifferent “oh well” - you were taught wrong, you were subject to poor catechesis. Laugh, giggle, how funny, you were educated poorly. Oh well. Forget everything, Jesus loves you. Jesus was suffering with you, Jesus gave you this cross to bear.

I really can’t find the words to say how much damage has been done. I don’t feel angry or any emotion when I try to put it into words. I just feel numb. I feel assaulted by the christian religion and church.

but I think my christian faith (faith in Jesus) is dead because I have real difficulty dissociating it/Him from pain and abuse and false hope.

I don’t know, what do you people think? Anyone been through a similar experience? or similar feelings? I’d appreciate any opinions / advice.

I can tell you right now with a daughter who youst to think the same and more.

The answer here we found was to realis that this hurts because it seems that others have put negative thoughts onto your mind. It could be that it hurts because these thoughts could have gotten from your fore mind to your inner mind and then got traped in your long term memory.

The key could be to remember that they also thought that they were doing what was bent for you. Maybe without blaming them or others could it be best if you could lay these thoughts at the foot of Christ on the cross and let go of them, forgive these people since maybe they could all or some be dead now.

Check it out could be good
Godbless

 

[DJgang]

but I think my christian faith (faith in Jesus) is dead because I have real difficulty dissociating it/Him from pain and abuse and false hope.

Okay, first, I think you need to seek out a good Christian counselor. I’ve been to one, and I tell ya, it’s not going to hurt you. Check references and go to a woman.

Then, I want to mention, your trust in Jesus is dead because of other people, not because of Jesus.

I went through a period that I didn’t want to be Christian because, how could Christian people do this or that, act this way or that way all in the name of being a Christian?

I realized that my relationship with Jesus has nothing to do with what other people do, or how other people act…it’s all about me. IOW, don’t look at others right now to show you how to have a relationship with Jesus, trust in God and ask God to help you, the Heavenly Father will help you. If need to be, ask the Blessed Mother to pray for you…just a few words, you don’t have to get carried away, take baby steps.

I will pray for you.

 

[Coming_Home_1]

HI! Please know that Jesus loves you! He died on the cross out of his love for you! His desire is for you to live with him forever in heaven. He wants to be here for you and show you his love and forgiveness. Other people in our lives will hurt us sometimes. We need to understand that people make mistakes. I went through an experience growing up where things happened and I went away from God ( and the Catholic church) as a teenager. It took a long time for me to realize that God and the Church were not to blame for the bad times that I had. In time, God helped me to forgive my family and come back to the Church. God can heal all the broken relationships in your life. He has never left you. I would suggest talking to a priest about these things. We have a couple of really compassionate priests at our parish who are always willing to listen, I’m sure that you could find a priest around where you live who would help you to sort through these things. I will be praying for you.
Theresa

p.s. Please know that you are beautiful in the eyes of the Lord!

 

[JimR-OCDS]

uglygal

Anyone been through a similar experience? or similar feelings? I’d appreciate any opinions / advice.

Yes, my experience was similar.

I rejected the Church, and all her teachings. I became very negative toward anything to do with religion.

However, that was until, Jesus Christ came into my life, and revealed Himself. He showed me that he is real, and that he is, the savior of the world.

The problem for both of is, is that in our growing up years, we had religion, but no faith and religion without faith is nonsense. It can even make you bitter.

However, for me, once I received the gift of faith, I desired to grow in it, and the Church was the place Jesus brought me, for this purpose.

Anyway, stay Christ centered, he’ll bring you to where you will be fed by him, most deeply.

Jim

 

[dmar198]

I don’t know, what do you people think? Anyone been through a similar experience? or similar feelings? I’d appreciate any opinions / advice.

Thankyou in advance

Dear Beautiful Woman,

I feel so sorry for you. Yours is one of the saddest stories I have read, and I mean that. Just reading it challenges my Faith. I cannot believe there could be people who could do this to you in the name of Christ.
But I want you to know that we are not all like that. Christians are trying every day to live more like Jesus, the loving and caring Jesus, and I for one have never intended to indicate that He brings pain. Only joy.

If you would like to talk to me, about this or anything, my e-mail address is Dmar198@gmail.com

Remember that the Father loves you, and I love you, and we both want to help you. Please let Him through me.

-Daniel Marcum

 

[blessedtoo]

OP,
Yes, your story reads like mine. I was schooled pre Vat and post Vat II but in my neck of the woods, the “modernization” of Catholic teaching didn’t take hold for decades. Nuns were terrifying, Priests were intimidating, parents were cowed by religious authority.

Ah, the good old days!

But here’s the rub:

I grew up in the faith

I used to say this too. But the truth is, I never actually “grew up” my faith. When God finally dragged me back into His Church, I went to speak with a priest about all the wrongs that had been perpetrated against me. Poor guy. He suffered through my litany of crimes and atrocities, listened patiently as I descrbied how the Church had crippled me, etc. After 70 minutes, he suggested that perhaps I still had a “child’s view” of God, one that had been defined for me in my youth by others. He advised me to become better informed about my Catholic faith, to spend time in prayer, and keep an open heart and mind. He helped put my past in context for me, by explaining (not excusing) the cultural circumstances that influenced those who were responsible for my education. He asked me to find forgiveness in my heart for those who tried and perhaps failed, for they, like me, were simply fallen humans trying to do their best.

As an adult woman nearing 50, I realize that I spent most of my life blaming the Church and God for the mistakes of a few. I cast myself in the role of victim and got very confortable there. It really absolved me of any responsibility to grow up or understand. It made me bitter and angry and essentially stunted not only my spiritual growth, but my emotional and intellectual growth as well.

Having raised a child myself and having made countless mistakes in life, I now look back on those nuns and priests from my growing up years with compassion and mercy. I hope and pray that those that I have hurt do not hold me to the same super-human standards that I held others.

 

[St_Gabriel]

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). Jesus did not tell his disciples to torture and hate themselves. But he did say to them to pick up their cross and follow. He healed the lame and the sick and showed mercy and compassion for them. He died for his friends and you (no matter who you are, what you look like or what you may have done) are one of His friends.

 

[kentuckyliz]

I have the opposite situation. The post-V2 church refused to be who she was, to teach her truth. I grew up very poorly catechized and was absolutely defenseless against the secular world and it knocked me around. I didn’t even hardly know what was right or wrong. I had to find out everything myself, by my initiative, as an adult. I am jealous of people who got anything of a religious education. I didn’t even know a saint’s name to choose at confirmation.

 

[JRKH]

Where to start? I was born and raised a catholic and went to a catholic school. I grew up in the faith - church every Sunday without fail, daily rosary, weekly fasting and weekly confession. Constant stories about the saints and how “heroic” they are. Obey priests, never question, be a saint for God. What was wrong?

24 years of being taught to hate yourself, until self-hate becomes an art - depression, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, self-mutilation, suicide attempts, abuse by religious … imitate the crucified christ

24 years with no relationships - solitary confinement, living in isolation, must do penance, can’t have boyfriends or God will send me to hell. My body is sin and evil, my feelings are depraved and evil … I am evil.

24 years of being taught by your teachers in the “holy faith” a jansenist heresy of how to be hated by God and hate yourself for been born. 24 years believing that being born was a sin and doing penance for the sin of being alive, 24 years believing I am a soul in the line of Judas, born and destined for damnation.

And then, when everything has been said and done - an indifferent dismissal, an indifferent “oh well” - you were taught wrong, you were subject to poor catechesis. Laugh, giggle, how funny, you were educated poorly. Oh well. Forget everything, Jesus loves you. Jesus was suffering with you, Jesus gave you this cross to bear.

I really can’t find the words to say how much damage has been done. I don’t feel angry or any emotion when I try to put it into words. I just feel numb. I feel assaulted by the christian religion and church.

My spirituality is anti-christian in the sense that I have a great aversion to any form of christian devotion now. I am afraid of the rosary, the chaplets and the devotions. I am afraid of novenas, the saints and Mary. I’m afraid of Jesus and do not trust Him.

**The only one I trust and love is God the Father He saved my life because He showed me that He loves me. He answers my prayers and helps me, so much so that I am healing sooo fast it surprises me He loves me and His love is like a balm placed over my heart. :console: **

but I think my christian faith (faith in Jesus) is dead because I have real difficulty dissociating it/Him from pain and abuse and false hope.

I don’t know, what do you people think? Anyone been through a similar experience? or similar feelings? I’d appreciate any opinions / advice.

Thankyou in advance

You are blessed indeed in that you have held close to the Father for he will hold you and love you and heal you.

There is so much pain and sorrow in your post. I believe that you are on a journey that many take. It is a journey of examination of self, examination of how you were raised, examination of your world and an examination of your faith.
As one who has been there I will tell you to “be not afraid”.

On my journey I too questioned every aspect of the belief system I was raised in. I never questioned God’s existance, only the ways in which he was portrayed by the “Religions”. One of the things I found most helpful was to read the Gospels. Nothing else in the Bible but just the Gospels. Look at what the actual teachings of Jesus are. Look at how he always pointed to His father and to the faith of those who were healed. He never took credit for himself. So in this sense you will see the rightness of your returning to the Father in your faith.

As to the problems in your life, and how your personnality was formed. It will take much time to work through but if you remain true to the Father and to the Holy Spirit you will be able to discern the good and bad in all of these things. You will be able to accept who you are and what God wills for your life.

After you have done all this, you will be able to forgive those who you feel have damaged you in some way. Once you have reached this point, you will find immense peace.

May God Guide you in your Journey

James

 

[uglygal]

Maybe without blaming them or others could it be best if you could lay these thoughts at the foot of Christ on the cross and let go of them, forgive these people since maybe they could all or some be dead now.

They are not dead, they are very much alive, happy and respected. Like most people who abuse others, they get away with it and the higher authority (Bishop) does not want to hear it. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

[uglygal]

Do not let the experiences of people destroy your faith in Christ. God the Father is Love and He gave us Jesus His Son out of Love. Please don’t disregard what Jesus did for you and for all of us just because some people in your life have felt the need to take all the love out of the legacy Jesus gave us.

I don’t doubt God’s love for me, I just find it impossible to believe that Jesus is part of the same God I know and love - they are different, like black and white

I know that God and people are not the same

 

[uglygal]

OP. He advised me to become better informed about my Catholic faith

We should not have been taught incorrectly to begin with

explaining (not excusing) the cultural circumstances that influenced those who were responsible for my education. He asked me to find forgiveness in my heart for those who tried and perhaps failed, for they, like me, were simply fallen humans trying to do their best.

Yes, I agree. The humans are and do what they do best - stupid But I think my issue is with Jesus. I feel like he should have / could have stopped it. I was sooo young and so trusting in Him and he didn’t protect me? Mary didn’t protect me?

I cast myself in the role of victim and got very confortable there.

I did that for a while. Though when you are a victim, where else are you supposed to go? You ARE a victim and you shouldn’t excuse the perpetrator’s by placing blame onto the victim.

Still, I understand what your saying. I’m not in a victim mentality because I am healing, actually more correctly, God the Father is healing me and I’m learning to walk and live without a single bump or scratch from the ordeal.

 

[JudeAnthony]

I am praying on how I should reply to this, not having been in your situation nor being Catholic.

In all honesty, Jesus is God… by the basis of God’s Love becoming Flesh to bring us His Love in all Its Glory, that at the end of all time, It may return and enrapture those who believe.

I feel a lot of hurt and unforgiveness… If you can’t forgive them for misleading you or hurting you, then how can you expect God to forgive you? I mean, I know that’s a harsh truth, but that’s the seriousness of the situation. I’m not condemning you or trying to make you feel bad, but holding onto unforgiveness is very unhealthy, and can cause one to become hostile towards themselves.

We all have a nature, unless by a Grace and Mercy of Jesus and Mary, we are given the ability to refute all desires of the flesh, that makes us desire the things of the world. It is a choice that we must make to lay that down as a sacrifice to follow Christ.

When all else is lost, Faith continues on… but Faith alone, without Hope and Love, cannot last forever.

Just know… God is Jesus, Jesus is God, and the Holy Spirit, both God and Jesus, form the Holy Trinity by which our Faith can have a foundation and truth.

Just know one thing… God would not have manifested as Jesus had He not loved us enough to become flesh and take on human nature and experience our sorrows, nor would He have allowed Mary to endure the hardships She endured, nor the Saints… had He not had a plan from the beginning to last throughout all time, beginning and ending… Alpha and Omega… the salvation of our souls and spirits… something not even the Angels in Heaven have the privilege of enjoying… that Love.

Just something to think about.

 

[uglygal]

After you have done all this, you will be able to forgive those who you feel have damaged you in some way. Once you have reached this point, you will find immense peace.

These “people” includes Jesus and Mary, and I don’t feel they damaged me, they did damage me. The Church claims to be the church of Christ with Christ as its head - therefore Christ is responsible for the actions of His body (at least that’s the logic that makes sense to me)

I don’t trust Jesus, I don’t trust His intentions, or His “will” for my life. I don’t see how He and the Father can be One - when He was always my tormentor (or the source of my torment) whilst the Father is my best friend and protector? They can’t possible be One because they are so different in nature.

Hmm, well these are some of my responses to points raised by some of you. It’s a hard subject and I know you can’t really tell me more than to trust God. Still is there some website, or community or church ministry that deals with cases like this? They might have advice or at least other people who have experienced similar circumstances.

Thankyou for your time and compassion, it’s nice to know some people don’t think you are rotten I’ll keep going with my novena to St Therese, maybe something will happen

 

[water]

Thankyou for your time and compassion, it’s nice to know some people don’t think you are rotten I’ll keep going with my novena to St Therese, maybe something will happen

Just take it easy and do one thing at a time. Since St. Therese’s life was the one who got your attention, I would suggest you keep praying and asking for her intercession.

In our lives, we have some people as role model to follow - though some model are not perfect, we are following what they have done right. In the same way, you can learn more about St. Therese, she would help you understand what you don’t understand now.

Be patient as you are right now and keep on praying the Novena. Even after 9 days, you can still start again.

 

[JRKH]

These “people” includes Jesus and Mary, and I don’t feel they damaged me, they did damage me. The Church claims to be the church of Christ with Christ as its head - therefore Christ is responsible for the actions of His body (at least that’s the logic that makes sense to me)

I don’t trust Jesus, I don’t trust His intentions, or His “will” for my life. I don’t see how He and the Father can be One - when He was always my tormentor (or the source of my torment) whilst the Father is my best friend and protector? They can’t possible be One because they are so different in nature.

Hmm, well these are some of my responses to points raised by some of you. It’s a hard subject and I know you can’t really tell me more than to trust God. Still is there some website, or community or church ministry that deals with cases like this? They might have advice or at least other people who have experienced similar circumstances.

Thank you for your time and compassion, it’s nice to know some people don’t think you are rotten I’ll keep going with my novena to St Therese, maybe something will happen

I highlighted the above so that I could say to you to HOLD ON TO THAT and He will lead you. He is your protector and the best hope.
I am sorry that the Church has failed you so badly and I know that right now I can say nothing in her defense that you would wish to hear or accept. As a catholic I can only apologize to you for that failure and beg your forgiveness.

We here cannot know specifically what have been through. So our advise and care can only be in a general way. I hope someone can steer you to the help you need and want.
And please know that you have friends here.

May God always protect you and guide you.

James

 

[JesusLovesAll]

Please do not read any anger or hate in my response to you. Words can be a poor indicator of expression and feelings. Having said that I want to answer your post…

These “people” includes Jesus and Mary, and I don’t feel they damaged me, they did damage me…
I don’t trust Jesus, I don’t trust His intentions, or His “will” for my life. I don’t see how He and the Father can be One - when He was always my tormentor (or the source of my torment) whilst the Father is my best friend and protector? They can’t possible be One because they are so different in nature.

I have a question - Did Jesus or Mary visit you personally, in the flesh, and torment you? Because if they did then I will not say another word.

If, on the other hand, people tormented you using Jesus and Mary as their scapegoats, then it was definitely not what Jesus and Mary wanted. You said:

*The humans are and do what they do best - stupid *

Think about that statement and how true it can be. It was humans who had control of your upbringing. I can guarantee you if Jesus and Mary had brought you up you would be a much happier, forgiving person with a greater knowledge and understanding of your faith.

You say that you love God and accept Him. He has done wonderful things for you. But Jesus isGod, and therefore it was Jesus who has brought love into your life. When you deny Jesus you are denying God. Do not associate Him with the hard-hearted, false image that some people may give you. That image has been invented by a persons own thoughts and ideas. Read your gospels and you will see that He is LOVE in human form. If you need a reminder of what He went through for you watch that wonderful movie which opened my eyes to His love - “The Passion of the Christ”.

You also said:

The Church claims to be the church of Christ with Christ as its head - therefore Christ is responsible for the actions of His body (at least that’s the logic that makes sense to me)

Look at what you are saying here. Are your father or your mother responsible for your actions when you decide, out of your own free will, to do something you know is wrong? Are you responsible for another’s actions when you try to give advice and they ignore it? God gave us free will so that we could choose our own paths. He did this out of love for us. All people have free will, including the members of the Catholic Church. This means that people, even priests, nuns, bishops, etc can choose, using their own free will, to do or say things that are the total opposite of what God really wants. Can you imagine if God decided to make everyone do His will what an uproar there would be! People would say He was too controlling and argue that giving us free will means we get to work things out for ourselves. We would be like a bunch of rebellious teenagers who won’t listen to reason. Free will! This is the exact reason why Jesus, as the Head of the Church, as God, does not interfere with the choices that man makes, even if they go against His wishes.

We learn and grow by the mistakes we make. Do not let your growth be held back by the mistakes of others.

Peace:heart: