Dating Advice: Why did God allow me to meet him?

[LoveJesus13]

Hello to my brothers and sisters in Christ,

I am new to CAF and want to first thank the Lord for leading me here where I can strengthen my faith and be around those who will inspire me to be closer to Him. I have been troubled lately as my boyfriend and I broke up recently. It has really been weighing in on me and sometimes I feel that this is a test to see if I will trust God. I have been really confused and sad so I am hoping to get some support here.

I am in my late 20s and I was dating this man “J” around the same age. We met on a catholic dating site, at first I thought God had answered my prayers. I also want to add that I became a firm believer in Chastity so “J” knew from the beginning what he was getting into. I learned from past mistakes that Chastity IS the ONLY way to go after reading books on it. Last yr was when I decided to abstain so that I could be closer to Jesus (although it has been hard as I get tempted to do other things that are considered near occasion of sin).

“J” and I dated for a few months, we were official after 1 month of dating. Yes it was fast however, we got along so well, we talked almost everyday and this was my first Catholic bf so I really thought it was in God’s plan for me to be with him.

The problem was that since I am very active in my parish (have been for several years), try to attend daily mass, frequent adoration and also church group “J” was the opposite. He came back to the church half a year ago, doesn’t follow all of the church’s teachings and I was able to convince him to go to confession after not going for years. I told him that it was ok that he and I weren’t on the same level of our faith bc in my heart I started to really care for him and wanted to help him. I got him religious things, prayers, photo, etc. bc I wanted to help him be closer to God. We lived about an hr. away from each other, also the problem. I had been to his place a couple times and slept in the same bed but NO sex. The physical attraction was really strong. There would be times we would make out and be aroused (I have gone to confession on all of these occasions and have been very remorseful).

Due to these actions I felt God was unhappy with me and didnt want me to be in this relationship. I prayed constantly and asked God to tell me what I should do. I was falling for J but was confused. Also, the more I got to know him, I saw that he wasn’t prioritizing the relationship or God. I told him it meant a lot to me that we both prayed and attended mass and it felt like I was always the one initiating it. He was so caught up in making $ working, hanging out with friends that I started to see that maybe J wasn’t the man for me. Also, he had a history of cheating on his ex gf which also bothered me as I saw glimpses of him looking at other women.

But I compromised bc I thought he would eventually come around and also bc he was my 1st Catholic bf. Our final week together, I suggested we take time to re-evaluate our priorities (I was having strong doubts in my heart which was why I suggested). When we finally spoke on the phone, he told me I was right for taking that break that we shouldn’t be together because he couldnt put God and our relationship as a priority. He also said that he wanted the opportunity to casually date and I’ve never been a believer in dating more than 1 person at a time, is that wrong? So when he said this I told him that I didn’t want to ever talk to him again.

I was hurt and still hurt bc I felt that I tried and he didnt. All of this was done on the phone and he didnt have the audacity to talk to me in person. Looking back, I know he just couldnt deal with being in a chaste relationship and was being influenced by his party friends living in a big city. I am trying to heal by asking Jesus, our Blessed Mother and saints to help me. I wish I could forget about him completely. But why did God allow for me to meet J who would only hurt me this way? A piece of my heart is missing and I can’t believe how selfish he is to NOT prioritize what’s important. Sometimes I feel like giving up on dating. I closed my account and feel that shouldn’t look for my spouse, but wouldn’t that be a passive approach or should I continue dating online? A part of me feels Im doing the right thing by putting God first and being chaste while the other part feels like giving into the secular ways of dating. I’m sure if I gave him sex I wouldnt be here now. What if I never get married, meet a guy who believes in Chastity and prioritizes God? Sorry this has been long, I wish I never met him bc now I feel terrible.

Please pray for me, thank you.

God bless.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I think you tried harder than he did. To make a relationship work, both parties have got to be “on the same page.” And it sounds to me like you weren’t. And I’d have second thoughts about sleeping in the same bed with a man I’m not married to. It might have been better to sleep on the couch. If you were to sleep in the same apartment, that is. Be glad that there wasn’t any sex. That would have just muddied the water. Go slower next time, and find someone who you don’t have to push to get to the same level you are. If he isn’t already there, he isn’t like to get there.

 

[Bonnie]

To answer your thread title first: Throughout your life you’re going to meet a lot of unsuitable men. You will also meet some seemingly suitable men who happen to be married. God isn’t going to put blinders on you - it’s up to you to use the intelligence God gave you to check them out before falling in love.

Of course you feel awful - breaking up with someone is never fun. But it’s a part of life.

What if I never get married, meet a guy who believes in Chastity and prioritizes God?

And what would be wrong with that? Maybe you’re feeling desperate & sending out the wrong signals. It’s up to YOU to make God your priority, not finding a husband. Remaining single is not the end of the world. A lot of nuns & sisters could tell you that!

 

[LoveJesus13]

Thank you ChristyBeth. Yes, you’re right we weren’t on the same page spiritually though I thought we would later be since he said it would take him some time. I guess it’s better for me to see it sooner than later.

 

[A_Famulus]

Don’t despair at times like this, like other posters have said he likely was not in the relationship for the same reason. Take this time to take a breath from the dating scene for however long you need, make good of a bad situation and be stronger from it. I share your concerns, as I struggle to meet a women who believes in Chastity and has God as priority one. When I think more and more on it, I become more afraid that in a more and more secular society it is becoming more and more impossible. With that said, I still haven’t given up hope, seeing those on this forum with strong values within God and the Church, has given me hope that there will be someone on the same page that I meet at some point, one who is willing to commit to each other in marriage with all priorities straight. Just stay positive and keep your faith in God and take action again when you feel the wounds have healed. Don’t let bad experiences keep you from enjoying what God gave you .

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,
AJ

 

[GraceUnderFire]

Please don’t fall into the trap that if you gave him sex everything would have been fine. Yes, he would have stuck around a little while longer for the sex. However, eventually, it would have fallen apart and you would feel even worse than you do now. He did you a favor. You are worth someone’s full attention. The man God has for you will not see you as one of several options. He will see you as the prize that he wants to win. It also sounds like the two of you weren’t “equally yoked” in terms of your faith. Missionary dating (ie trying to help someone grow in his or her faith while secretly hoping to win the person) doesn’t work.

I’m sorry this happened to you but I think you are really better off without J in your life. God bless you.

 

[Caroline723]

I know several faithful and happy couples who fell into premarital sex when they had determined to have a chaste relationship, but still wound up with happy marriages. The difference is that in their cases, both had the same weaknesses but also the same beliefs.

Use the pain of this breakup to whittle down what you DO want in a relationship. It has to be more than just being Catholic. There are plenty of Catholic jerks out there. There is that saying “Love is blind; Marriage is an eye-opener”. Be grateful you aren’t suffering that. In all the pain you are feeling (and I have been there and it’s excruciating), try to focus on the memories of how you had to work harder than him, how you couldn’t really be yourself or practice your convictions, and trust that God has someone better in mind for you. Consider the possibility this happened because God wanted to spare you the pain of a bad marriage. You are in your prime! Try to work through this breakup with as little baggage as possible and you will find love.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Hello to my brothers and sisters in Christ,

I am new to CAF and want to first thank the Lord for leading me here where I can strengthen my faith and be around those who will inspire me to be closer to Him. I have been troubled lately as my boyfriend and I broke up recently. It has really been weighing in on me and sometimes I feel that this is a test to see if I will trust God. I have been really confused and sad so I am hoping to get some support here.

I am in my late 20s and I was dating this man “J” around the same age. We met on a catholic dating site, at first I thought God had answered my prayers. I also want to add that I became a firm believer in Chastity so “J” knew from the beginning what he was getting into. I learned from past mistakes that Chastity IS the ONLY way to go after reading books on it. Last yr was when I decided to abstain so that I could be closer to Jesus (although it has been hard as I get tempted to do other things that are considered near occasion of sin).

“J” and I dated for a few months, we were official after 1 month of dating. Yes it was fast however, we got along so well, we talked almost everyday and this was my first Catholic bf so I really thought it was in God’s plan for me to be with him.

The problem was that since I am very active in my parish (have been for several years), try to attend daily mass, frequent adoration and also church group “J” was the opposite. He came back to the church half a year ago, doesn’t follow all of the church’s teachings and I was able to convince him to go to confession after not going for years. I told him that it was ok that he and I weren’t on the same level of our faith bc in my heart I started to really care for him and wanted to help him. I got him religious things, prayers, photo, etc. bc I wanted to help him be closer to God. We lived about an hr. away from each other, also the problem. I had been to his place a couple times and slept in the same bed but NO sex. The physical attraction was really strong. There would be times we would make out and be aroused (I have gone to confession on all of these occasions and have been very remorseful).

Due to these actions I felt God was unhappy with me and didnt want me to be in this relationship. I prayed constantly and asked God to tell me what I should do. I was falling for J but was confused. Also, the more I got to know him, I saw that he wasn’t prioritizing the relationship or God. I told him it meant a lot to me that we both prayed and attended mass and it felt like I was always the one initiating it. He was so caught up in making $ working, hanging out with friends that I started to see that maybe J wasn’t the man for me. Also, he had a history of cheating on his ex gf which also bothered me as I saw glimpses of him looking at other women.

But I compromised bc I thought he would eventually come around and also bc he was my 1st Catholic bf. Our final week together, I suggested we take time to re-evaluate our priorities (I was having strong doubts in my heart which was why I suggested). When we finally spoke on the phone, he told me I was right for taking that break that we shouldn’t be together because he couldnt put God and our relationship as a priority. He also said that he wanted the opportunity to casually date and I’ve never been a believer in dating more than 1 person at a time, is that wrong? So when he said this I told him that I didn’t want to ever talk to him again.

I was hurt and still hurt bc I felt that I tried and he didnt. All of this was done on the phone and he didnt have the audacity to talk to me in person. Looking back, I know he just couldnt deal with being in a chaste relationship and was being influenced by his party friends living in a big city. I am trying to heal by asking Jesus, our Blessed Mother and saints to help me. I wish I could forget about him completely. But why did God allow for me to meet J who would only hurt me this way? A piece of my heart is missing and I can’t believe how selfish he is to NOT prioritize what’s important. Sometimes I feel like giving up on dating. I closed my account and feel that shouldn’t look for my spouse, but wouldn’t that be a passive approach or should I continue dating online? A part of me feels Im doing the right thing by putting God first and being chaste while the other part feels like giving into the secular ways of dating. I’m sure if I gave him sex I wouldnt be here now. What if I never get married, meet a guy who believes in Chastity and prioritizes God? Sorry this has been long, I wish I never met him bc now I feel terrible.

Please pray for me, thank you.

God bless.

It wasn’t you it was him. He sounds like a player/commit phobic. They want all the benefits of a relationship without any commitment. I just stopped dating them because they are all I seem to attract. Sometimes for some unknown reason we are meant to be on our own. Not sure why but it is what it is. I’m not saying that’s your fate just being realistic. I do know this from successfull couples I’m acquainted with that when I guy is really interested you’ll know it. There will be no doubt in his actions. He will pursue and try to win and keep you and if he truly cares and respects you he’ll respect your beliefs whether or not he agrees with them.

 

[SuperLuigi]

The first thing to remember about on-line dating is that it can crash on you easily in a lot of ways.

Secondly, I wouldn’t be so hasty to give up on it over one bad relationship. It can be a good place to meet Catholic men but you have to have a good feel for on-line dating as well, which I must say comes with practice, like anything else.

It sounds like you are looking for someone who is pretty solidly Catholic. On-line you’ll find a mixture of people who are serious about the faith and some who are not.

It sounds to me in this case that you two weren’t the best match.

Why would God allow you to get hurt like that?

Heh, I’ve kind of asked myself that with women. I did on-line dating off and on for 12 years. In some cases, I’ve driven across a state…or several…to see a woman only to her tell me she’s not interested.

That’s what happens with on-line dating and with dating in general, hey, there’s always a risk involved. There’s no way around it. Maybe it’s God’s way of showing us that love isn’t a trivial matter and needs to be thought through carefully.

And I have to say that as a guy, at some point somewhere no matter who you are with, you may catch him noticing other women. I would urge you not to be too rigid on this.

There are plenty of men out there who would love to go to daily mass with you.

 

[SuperLuigi]

It wasn’t you it was him. He sounds like a player/commit phobic. They want all the benefits of a relationship without any commitment. I just stopped dating them because they are all I seem to attract. Sometimes for some unknown reason we are meant to be on our own. Not sure why but it is what it is. I’m not saying that’s your fate just being realistic. I do know this from successfull couples I’m acquainted with that when I guy is really interested you’ll know it. There will be no doubt in his actions. He will pursue and try to win and keep you and if he truly cares and respects you he’ll respect your beliefs whether or not he agrees with them.

I don’t know. I’m a guy and I was pretty adamant about getting some dating experience. I eventually decided I didn’t want to just marry the first girl who came along into my life.

Being free of doubt is a key ingredient in any relationship.

 

[Ruthie_again]

My heart goes out to you. You’re in a lot of pain right now, and it’s hard to think clearly. And it will take a while to get over it, even if you manage to find any wisdom in my thoughts.

Due to these actions I felt God was unhappy with me and didn’t want me to be in this relationship.

No, He’s not unhappy with you! Not at all!

I’m sure He didn’t want you to marry this man. You have learned why he was “Mr. Wrong” for you, and that just because someone says they’re Catholic doesn’t mean they’re a faithful, obedient Catholic. Now you have better husband-choosing skills, so to speak. Maybe that’s why God allowed it.

…I started to see that maybe J wasn’t the man for me. … But I compromised bc I thought he would eventually come around…

I’ve seen too many marriages that failed because one spouse assumed the other would change. Or, worse, thought that they could make the other change. Well, as Caroline said, it’s a good thing you figured it out before you married him. I’m sorry it was - and is - painful. :hug1:

I’ve never been a believer in dating more than 1 person at a time, is that wrong?

Dating is how we choose our spouses. I think you can choose to date more than one guy at a time - until things start getting serious. I also think you can choose to date only one man at a time, until you know whether he is “Mr. Right” or not. Both are good moral choices in my opinion. So do whichever feels right to you.

I hope you find something in all our words that helps you feel at peace with God. I am very glad you have such high standards for yourself, and I hope you eventually meet someone who prizes them and you. In the meantime, I’ll pray for you.

 

[EasterJoy]

Why did God allow you to meet him? Well, he’s not going to build a bubble around you! You went out looking for a spouse, and you found one who wasn’t right. It is hard, but it is the way it works in this vale of tears. Everybody has free will, and not everyone runs theirs very well. You believe we are all in need of mercy, right? Well, that means we hurt other people, even when we don’t intend to. Catholics are not immune.

Hang in there, and keep trying to follow God’s will in your life. If you do that, you’ll do well, no matter what crosses and trials the vale of tears throws your way.

 

[underacloud]

Don’t give up on dating. It may be that God brought “J” into your life so you can learn what relationships are not supposed to be like, and so you may now better recognise a good relationship when you find it.

Reflect on some of the choices you made. What would you do differently next time? What are you glad you did or didn’t do this time? Which of "J’s personality traits were problematic and something to watch out for in future dates? (these are rhetorical…for you to ponder).

 

[LoveJesus13]

THANK YOU all so very much for your responses!

I am learning from this experience and it means a lot to me to be a part of this wonderful community.

Those are great reflection questions underacloud. I definitely know that staying over and sharing a bed is an absolute NO! Although it’s hard sometimes in the society we live in where people might think: “What’s wrong with you?!”

Ruthie and EasterJoy, thanks, I will try to do that. But how do you know God’s will?

Superluigi, thanks I think I will say goodbye to online dating right now and focus on serving God.

Luvz2travel, yes he was afraid of commitment and “didnt want to be tied down.” He shouldnt have asked me to be his gf and that’s where u right he wanted the benefits of a rel.

Caroline, Grace, A Famulus, thanks for the prayers.

Bonnie, there’s nothing wrong with being alone. Im friends with some nuns at church and they are great but I have the calling to be a mother and wife. I understand what u mean though, I will keep God as my focus.

Monicad, thank u so much for breaking it down that way. I am able to understand more clearly as to why this happened.

To everyone, thank u for your kind words as this has been a struggle for me. Do you have any saints u suggest I pray to for chastity(remaining pure in thought and action) and finding a spouse? I dont want to give up on praying for my future husband.

Thank u guys again! You are in prayers tonight

 

[marymary1975]

Thanks for sharing your story. Your heading called my attention because I also asked myself many times that question after I met my first husband who suffered bipolar disease, pschizoaffective disorder and was a drug addict none of which I knew until after I married him, (he eventually died) but I can relate for you as I asked myself the same questions you are asking now so I wanted to share my opinion with you.

After a long time I discovered that the question wasn’t why God slowed this to happen to me but why I didn’t see what God was trying to tell me here. You see women especially when they are younger let their emotions to rule their decisions when it comes to dating. As I have gotten older I have learned that you need to learn to fall in love more with tour brain and less with your emotions. I think your issue here is that you let your emotions ran over your reason and God was putting a million signals in front of you and you didn’t see them.

Let’s start: internet dating. While sound good for meeting people you should never go into internet dating expecting to meet the love of your life. Basic #1 rule of internet security: people can lie easily over the internet, don’t trust anyone you meet on the internet until you have met that person face to face and corroborate that they are what they purport to be. Of course it can happen that someone does meet out of luck someone good right away, but the odds for that are low. You don’t have to shut down your online dating account but to me here I feel you went in there with extremely high expectations i.e. that God was going to out right in front of you ASAP what you wanted. Dating is something that requires some discerning and usually is not going to happen at the speed you want because you need to sit and analyze the signals that God is sending. My advice, use online dating as a tool for meeting people, don’t expect that is going to being you the perfect man instead look at it as a place that gives you a chance to know several people in person all.of.whom you are going to analyze after.

Second you got official one month after, and you recognize that it was too quick. If at some point you had the gut feeling it was too quick well that is God sending you the message slow down pay attention. You need more time. If you really want a serious relationship you need to dedicate time to get to know the real me of that person and that is not going to happen in one, two or three months. Once I heard a priest saying that the most successful marriages he knew where those of people who happened to be friends before and then started dating, why because the friendship time allows time to get to know each other.

This sentence shocked me: but I compromise because I thought he would eventually come around. People Never ever come around. This way of thinking iS very popular amongst women and is the reason why so many divorce. I though he was going to change, I though he was going to come around…no that doesn’t happen in the real world. You have to get rid of this belief because It only blinds you from reality. The minute you realize that person is not going to change you need to get away. His statement that he was open to casually date, run away from this guy. He has just told you he wants to play with you so please run away from him and get someone else. He is not worthwhile.

I.think you are doing right by putting God first and I think you need to be grateful that this guy is out of your life. You don’t want what happened to me happened to you, get married and live a life of help because I didn’t see the red flags in the beginning. What you need to do is just date smarter, don’t let emotions block your rational thinking. I know now it hurts but use this experience to learn out of your own mistakes so next time you can make a.proper discerning. Analyze what you didn’t see, why and how can you use this experience in your favor. This was a learning experience and again be grateful because thanks to the fact that you put God first it didn’t escape to any worst situation. God has been screaming to you right from the start this guy was not right from you, and be happy that he got that guy away from your life. Just use this experience to learn and make the future better for you.

 

[Jessie5000]

Iam going to be blunt and it may seem harsh but this is not my intent. I feel sorry you are feeling hurt but that is what happens when we open ourselves up to another person. I think you need to be told to stop feeling sorry for yourself and rejoice that you found this out now rather than finding this out after being married for ten years.

The purpose of dating is not just for recreation, the purpose is to find a spouse. As such, you should be willing to date many men knowing that not all these men will be the right match. It is sort of like fishing, some must be thrown back and released. Accept that this involves getting hurt and start over. God allows us to learn from these misadventures and to grow in wisdom. Ask what God is trying to teach you, learn the lesson and do not repeat the same mistake.

Continue dating and rejoice when you find out this person is not for you but know that this happens so that you will recognize the right man for you when you meet him. Do not worry about being single forever and live in the moment, not in the future. Live in the present because you are in the present - to live in the future is fear-based as you do not know what tomorrow will bring. I guess you just need to be told to move on and not be so negative. As this did not workout does not mean you are bad, unworthy or somehow subhuman…it simply means it was not a good match.

Also you said you wanted to help him change. This is immature because you do not have the power to change the heart of others… It is God’s job to transform others. Many women feel they can change their mate and nothing is further from the truth. When you meet a man, you get what you see. The man, if he wants to change will change because this is what he wants not because another person thinks he should change.

I say, move on, accept men for who they are, not what you want them to be. Doing this will help you find a man. Remember the purpose of dating is find a match so you will likely have to date numerous men. You want to be accepted for who you are so I suggest you accept men for who they are and move on if this person has different goals, values and priorities. This is just truth.

 

[Bezant]

Welcome to CAF, and I am sorry to hear that you are sad. It isn’t easy to adopt chastity as a lifestyle, so I commend you for sticking to your guns.

“J” and I dated for a few months, we were official after 1 month of dating. Yes it was fast however, we got along so well, we talked almost everyday and this was my first Catholic bf so I really thought it was in God’s plan for me to be with him. I told him that it was ok that he and I weren’t on the same level of our faith bc in my heart I started to really care for him and wanted to help him. I got him religious things, prayers, photo, etc. bc I wanted to help him be closer to God. There would be times we would make out and be aroused (I have gone to confession on all of these occasions and have been very remorseful). Due to these actions I felt God was unhappy with me and didnt want me to be in this relationship. I prayed constantly and asked God to tell me what I should do. I was falling for J but was confused.

Does God have a plan for us? How can we know what’s God’s will? Why do bad things happen even when we obey his will? Maybe your thread belongs in the Philosophy forum as well, given the questions raised here.

Practically speaking, I must be blunt. You had unfair expectations of God, J, dating, and yourself. You cannot decipher with absolute clarity when or why God communicates his will in your life. Neither should you assume that he will provide the answers, or sort things the way you wanted them sorted. Next time, when you start dating again, trust your judgment and try a more flexible outlook as you vet your dates. All relationships, I think, involve some probability whether or not two people share the same values. And by the way, you’re not the only guilty of this criticism. The secular world usually appeals to astrology or destiny to avoid personal responsibility in relationships.

Also, the more I got to know him, I saw that he wasn’t prioritizing the relationship or God. I told him it meant a lot to me that we both prayed and attended mass and it felt like I was always the one initiating it. He was so caught up in making $ working, hanging out with friends that I started to see that maybe J wasn’t the man for me. Also, he had a history of cheating on his ex gf which also bothered me as I saw glimpses of him looking at other women. But I compromised bc I thought he would eventually come around and also bc he was my 1st Catholic bf.

Our final week together, I suggested we take time to re-evaluate our priorities (I was having strong doubts in my heart which was why I suggested). When we finally spoke on the phone, he told me I was right for taking that break that we shouldn’t be together because he couldnt put God and our relationship as a priority. He also said that he wanted the opportunity to casually date and I’ve never been a believer in dating more than 1person at a time, is that wrong? So when he said this I told him that I didn’t want to ever talk to him again.

I was hurt and still hurt bc I felt that I tried and he didnt. All of this was done on the phone and he didnt have the audacity to talk to me in person. Looking back, I know he just couldnt deal with being in a chaste relationship and was being influenced by his party friends living in a big city. A piece of my heart is missing and I can’t believe how selfish he is to NOT prioritize what’s important.

Because you assumed early on that you had a future together, it seems that you projected your idealised expectations on J before you fully examined your compatibility. Frankly, I think you set yourself up for disappointment. If he wants to make money and have fun with his mates…so what? He’s not selfish, that’s how he wants to live his life. Furthermore, looking at other women is hardly the mark of a cheater; it’s normal for men to notice attractive women (and vice versa). You can only change yourself, and you can’t blame him for being the person he was when he met you.

Having said that, at least you recognised that you needed time to reevaluate the relationship before it became more serious. His response wasn’t tactful, but it was an honest response, and you got it sooner rather than later. Move on to someone who shares your values.

I am trying to heal by asking Jesus, our Blessed Mother and saints to help me. I wish I could forget about him completely. But why did God allow for me to meet J who would only hurt me this way? Sometimes I feel like giving up on dating. I closed my account and feel that shouldn’t look for my spouse, but wouldn’t that be a passive approach or should I continue dating online? A part of me feels Im doing the right thing by putting God first and being chaste while the other part feels like giving into the secular ways of dating. I’m sure if I gave him sex I wouldnt be here now.Sorry this has been long, I wish I never met him bc now I feel terrible.

Don’t pray that you forget J, pray that you turn your mistakes into wisdom. I think you need to build your faith and self-confidence. Maybe online dating isn’t the best option for you, but don’t give up on either marriage or chastity. You have my prayers.

 

[PennyinCanada]

I don’t know if this has been said but I’m glad you were wondering if things would be different if you had slept with him. Yes, they would have. He might have hung around for a time, but left anyway, and your heart break would have been even greater. God designed intimacy to be after the wedding vows because it is the super glue to hold couples together. It helps couples stay together through difficult times. To apply the super glue too soon means that couples that should never have gotten married, get married, and wonder why, after 10 years, what on earth they were thinking. People who are intimate with different partners have trouble staying married because the super glue has been applied, and ripped apart, applied again. Being intimate before it’s time clouds the judgement when it should be a time of sober discernment.

Why did God allow him into your life? From a bystander on the internet, I’d say God gave him the invitation to come closer to Him. Your boyfriend did not wish to do that, so what ever loss you’re feeling now, I’d say Jesus is feeling it too. You can share in this heart ache together.

I came into the Church in my 20’s and my Catholic boyfriend, who went to Catholic schools, was not impressed. We broke up after 5 yrs. of dating. I have the luxury of knowing through friends that he got married, and it only lasted 5 yrs. I was very grateful that wasn’t me! Life would have been very different had I continued on that path. Coming into the grace of Christ was the best thing to happen to me, and it’s the best thing in your life. Never compromise your relationship with Christ for a man. Christ alone loves you to the point of shedding His blood on the Cross.

God bless and strengthen you in this difficult time.

 

[EasterJoy]

THANK YOU all so very much for your responses!

…Ruthie and EasterJoy, thanks, I will try to do that. But how do you know God’s will?..

Form your conscience correctly (that is, learn and keep reminding yourself what the boundaries and goals of a saintly life are), pray often, not forgetting to spend some silent time for the “listening” part. Also, seek the gifts of the Holy Spirit. This is from the Catechism:
“The moral life of Christians is sustained by the gifts of the Holy Spirit. These are permanent dispositions which make man docile in following the promptings of the Holy Spirit. The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit are wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord. They belong in their fullness to Christ, Son of David. They complete and perfect the virtues of those who receive them. They make the faithful docile in readily obeying divine inspirations.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Form your conscience correctly (that is, learn and keep reminding yourself what the boundaries and goals of a saintly life are), pray often, not forgetting to spend some silent time for the “listening” part. Also, seek the gifts of the Holy Spirit. This is from the Catechism:
“The moral life of Christians is sustained by the gifts of the Holy Spirit. These are permanent dispositions which make man docile in following the promptings of the Holy Spirit. The seven gifts of the Holy Spirit are wisdom, understanding, counsel, fortitude, knowledge, piety, and fear of the Lord. They belong in their fullness to Christ, Son of David. They complete and perfect the virtues of those who receive them. They make the faithful docile in readily obeying divine inspirations.”

PS: I will warn you, however, that this does not mean that you are assured a smooth path through the choices in your life. Being a very good Catholic does not mean you cannot possibly marry someone who is not suited to marriage or who will sin against you and the marriage. We don’t get guarantees like that. The guarantee we get is that if we remain faithful through our crosses, God will always remain faithful to us, and the evil one will not prevail over us. We have no guarantee that we will be kept out of the arena in the struggle against the powers of the world, not even in our marriages. Members of the faithful in religious life get no guarantees, either. Bad stuff happens, unforeseen stuff happens, things that we don’t understand happen, and it can happen to us.