Dating & age gaps... old subject, I know!

[FunkyKikuchiyo]

Hello everyone,

Google led me to an old thread on this board, so I thought I’d post myself with a similar question to get some ideas. I need some help thinking/praying through the issue.

For some time I’ve been encountering a very charming young lady at mass and adoration. She was very hard to guess for age. After some (cough) internet searching, I’ve figured out her age. She is 24. I will be 35 in a month.

Normally this is not an acceptable age gap for me, not even close. A year ago or so when I was using various dating websites I wouldn’t have dreamed of messaging someone that much younger than me, or even close. But, I’ve heard many places that the age gaps can work so long as the two people are clearly adults. She seems to be a quite mature, well oriented 24 which I guess helps.

I also have a slight distaste for large age gaps because when I was in high school I got to see an ex-girlfriend get involved with a man 17 years older who was not all there and was even dangerous. I know I am not that person, but it is something to deal with.

I’m not expecting easy answers, but maybe some thoughts (from either side) will help me decide what to do. I can pursue it, drop it, or just try and see what happens… initiate conversation and see if the “ick” factor loosens up.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Personally I wouldn’t consider this icky or immoral, it would be very different if you were both 10 years younger. This isn’t something I have much experience of though.

I don’t see any harm in getting to know her.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I thought from reading the subject line this was going to be about somebody 50 years old who wanted to date a 21-year-old or similar. You’re both legal adults and I presume single and free to date, so there’s no immorality. 10 or 11 years age difference is not excessive and it works for some people. In previous eras, it was pretty normal because a man would often wait until he’d achieved some business success and bought or built a house before he went in search of a wife, and women typically married young in their late teens or twenties.

These days, the main reason people don’t want to date significantly younger or significantly older is that when they get to know the person, they find they do not have much in common. When I was in my early 20s, men in their 30s seemed to be in a totally different place in their lives, focused on things I didn’t (yet) want, and from a culture that had emphasized very different values (a lot of them had been 70s hippies or party people, all of which was way out of style in the 80s when I came of age). There are always exceptions, however, so there’s no harm in trying to get to know her better.

 

[nodito]

It doesn’t strike me as off-putting the same way it might if you were younger or if the age gap were much wider. Nine years doesn’t seem unreasonable to me at all, so long as you’re in a similar place in terms of values and desires in life. At 24 I was already married and trying to conceive a baby (and I’m just a bit younger than you now). Other 24 year olds are partying and drinking or more interested in travelling. I say get to know her, ask her to coffee and it will soon become apparent whether she thinks the age gap is too wide, which is really the only other opinion that matters.

 

[tafan]

IIRC, you take the man’s age, divide by two, then add nine. The answer is the youngest woman he should date. I think it works, until you get to your 50s or sxtire

Your 35, divide by 2 is 18, add nine is 27. She is too young.

Just my opinion.

 

[Horton]

Hello everyone,

Google led me to an old thread on this board, so I thought I’d post myself with a similar question to get some ideas. I need some help thinking/praying through the issue.

For some time I’ve been encountering a very charming young lady at mass and adoration. She was very hard to guess for age. After some (cough) internet searching, I’ve figured out her age. She is 24. I will be 35 in a month.

Normally this is not an acceptable age gap for me, not even close. A year ago or so when I was using various dating websites I wouldn’t have dreamed of messaging someone that much younger than me, or even close. But, I’ve heard many places that the age gaps can work so long as the two people are clearly adults. She seems to be a quite mature, well oriented 24 which I guess helps.

I also have a slight distaste for large age gaps because when I was in high school I got to see an ex-girlfriend get involved with a man 17 years older who was not all there and was even dangerous. I know I am not that person, but it is something to deal with.

I’m not expecting easy answers, but maybe some thoughts (from either side) will help me decide what to do. I can pursue it, drop it, or just try and see what happens… initiate conversation and see if the “ick” factor loosens up.

Why don’t you get to know her in a friendship type way and take it from there? I wouldn’t worry so much about the age difference. It’s not that big of a deal.

 

[10gr8kids]

I don’t think it is too much of an age gap. My parents have a 7 year age gap and it worked well for them. When I was 24 it was hard to find any men in their early to mid 20’s who acted like men, a lot of them still acted like teens. Although I did meet my husband about that time and though he is only 2 years older than me, I joked with him all the time that he acted like he was 40! Lol. My mom even commented the first time she met him how she was shocked to see I wasn’t dating a boy, but a man. I’d say it mainly depends on how ready she is to settle down and start a family life. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t, but I have a sister that was not ready until she was in her mid 30’s.

 

[revert_jen]

Actually, I think the online research is creepier than the age difference. My parents are 13 years apart and they’re still married (although it does help that my father aged well).

But (I’m older than you so she may not feel the same) I would have found the fact that you googled me to find out how old I am rather than just asking, to be a bit off.

–Jen

 

[starlady88]

I don’t think it’s too much. My parents were 28 and 20 when they got married (and they are still married and going strong). My husband’s parents are 13 years apart and they are also still married.

My husband and I have a 6.5 year difference…he is 32 and I just turned 26. When I fist met him, I was a little put off by the age difference since previous dates had been with guys mostly within a year or two of me. Obviously, it didn’t bother me enough because we ended up getting married. I saw who he was and he saw who I was, and we fell in love regardless of the age difference.

To me, even ten years isn’t too much. If you are both happy and fine with it, it’s really not a big deal.

 

[In_Hoc_Signo312]

IIRC, you take the man’s age, divide by two, then add nine. The answer is the youngest woman he should date. I think it works, until you get to your 50s or sxtire

Your 35, divide by 2 is 18, add nine is 27. She is too young.

Just my opinion.

From what I know, the math is actually add 7. I didn’t think anybody actually took it seriously.

 

[SyroMalankara]

Hello everyone,

Google led me to an old thread on this board, so I thought I’d post myself with a similar question to get some ideas. I need some help thinking/praying through the issue.

For some time I’ve been encountering a very charming young lady at mass and adoration. She was very hard to guess for age. After some (cough) internet searching, I’ve figured out her age. She is 24. I will be 35 in a month.

Normally this is not an acceptable age gap for me, not even close. A year ago or so when I was using various dating websites I wouldn’t have dreamed of messaging someone that much younger than me, or even close. But, I’ve heard many places that the age gaps can work so long as the two people are clearly adults. She seems to be a quite mature, well oriented 24 which I guess helps.

I also have a slight distaste for large age gaps because when I was in high school I got to see an ex-girlfriend get involved with a man 17 years older who was not all there and was even dangerous. I know I am not that person, but it is something to deal with.

I’m not expecting easy answers, but maybe some thoughts (from either side) will help me decide what to do. I can pursue it, drop it, or just try and see what happens… initiate conversation and see if the “ick” factor loosens up.

Don’t worry about it. Its a pretty superficial thing to concern with, when you get to know each other better, there may be more substantial reasons not to go any further

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Why don’t you get to know her in a friendship type way and take it from there?

Good plan. You might find out on your first coffee get-together that she has a boyfriend her age off serving in the military, or that she’s planning to enter a convent next year, and then you’ll have done all this fretting over ages for nothing

 

[Augustine]

You’re not a mature man and she’s not an immature woman. Both of you are at about the same stage in life, able to share many of the same dreams and struggles and be a helper to each other.

 

[Tim_D]

IIRC, you take the man’s age, divide by two, then add nine. The answer is the youngest woman he should date. I think it works, until you get to your 50s or sxtire

Your 35, divide by 2 is 18, add nine is 27. She is too young.

Just my opinion.

That’s silly. Would you abandon what could possibly be the love of your life because the numbers don’t add up???

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hello everyone,

Google led me to an old thread on this board, so I thought I’d post myself with a similar question to get some ideas. I need some help thinking/praying through the issue.

For some time I’ve been encountering a very charming young lady at mass and adoration. She was very hard to guess for age. After some (cough) internet searching, I’ve figured out her age. She is 24. I will be 35 in a month.

Normally this is not an acceptable age gap for me, not even close. A year ago or so when I was using various dating websites I wouldn’t have dreamed of messaging someone that much younger than me, or even close. But, I’ve heard many places that the age gaps can work so long as the two people are clearly adults. She seems to be a quite mature, well oriented 24 which I guess helps.

I also have a slight distaste for large age gaps because when I was in high school I got to see an ex-girlfriend get involved with a man 17 years older who was not all there and was even dangerous. I know I am not that person, but it is something to deal with.

I’m not expecting easy answers, but maybe some thoughts (from either side) will help me decide what to do. I can pursue it, drop it, or just try and see what happens… initiate conversation and see if the “ick” factor loosens up.

I actually have no qualms with this. However, she may not be interested and if you don’t pick up on those cues, it will turn real creepy real fast.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I would have found the fact that you googled me to find out how old I am rather than just asking, to be a bit off.

–Jen

I agree with this. However, I am late 40s. Perhaps 20 year old women (brought up in the age of face book) may find it endearing, who kows:shrug:

The only thing that would concern me is she may still want to hang out with younger people and you might feel like a fish out of water around her friends. But then again, you can’t really know for sure

But I do echo, if she is not interested, you will appear creepy if you don’t back off

Angie

 

[FunkyKikuchiyo]

Wow, what an overwhelming wealth of thoughtful advice! I’m humbled.

On the math formula, I’ve heard that too, and didn’t it start in some fashion magazine? I forget if it was a men’s magazine or a woman’s magazine. If you use 34 as my age (as it will be for another month) and the “add 7” then it just barely comes in right (34/2+7=24). It isn’t that bad of a formula, really, and for someone in their 20s looking to date younger it certainly makes sense. Age gaps like 22 and 17 can be much harder to navigate. One phenomenon young men go through (that we never talk about) is eventually finding that age when you’re attracted to girls/women who are too young. A 15 year old boy is only attracted to girls his own age, and a 17 year old boy attracted to a 15 year old girl is not in the wrong. As the age rises and rises the social and moral boundaries come into play, and young men are never really given any guidance on this. The math formula is really the only sensible thing that is presented. Society at large offers a lot of nonsense usually starting with the word “dude”, like “dude, as long as she’s 18…” or, “dude, as long as she’s into you…” and well, just read the news to see how that works out a lot of the time.

Of course there is a similar experience for women, but I won’t try to describe it and embarrass myself in the process.

Jen, I do think it is an age difference/generation gap on googling people. Yes, it is kinda creepy, but it is a sort of standard these days that you’ll look someone up online if you’re interested. I don’t think “everyone else is doing it” is an acceptable defense so I certainly take your point. I found her online by a “degrees of separation” sort of thing from within the parish with only information that was voluntarily posted by each person, if that makes any difference.

Another take away I’m getting from reading between the lines with everyone is that mid-20s can be very mature or very immature, so it does become a bit relative, doesn’t it?

Augustine said: “You’re not a mature man”

… How do you know me so well?! Just because a guy binge watches Mr. Rogers on YouTube and wears Looney Tunes pajamas…

The thought recently occurred to me that she may be a visitor to this site, so I should keep the identifiable information to a minimum! She is enthusiastically Catholic and has a strong online presence. Now, THAT would be awkward, wouldn’t it?

Thank you everyone. I’m leaning towards attempting to open conversation just to see where it goes… I still have my concerns, but I think expecting clairvoyance in a relationship before it even starts is a bad trait, perhaps brought on by too many movies. My mind isn’t completely made up just yet, so I would still love to hear more (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[adamhovey1988]

Hello everyone,

Google led me to an old thread on this board, so I thought I’d post myself with a similar question to get some ideas. I need some help thinking/praying through the issue.

For some time I’ve been encountering a very charming young lady at mass and adoration. She was very hard to guess for age. After some (cough) internet searching, I’ve figured out her age. She is 24. I will be 35 in a month.

Normally this is not an acceptable age gap for me, not even close. A year ago or so when I was using various dating websites I wouldn’t have dreamed of messaging someone that much younger than me, or even close. But, I’ve heard many places that the age gaps can work so long as the two people are clearly adults. She seems to be a quite mature, well oriented 24 which I guess helps.

I also have a slight distaste for large age gaps because when I was in high school I got to see an ex-girlfriend get involved with a man 17 years older who was not all there and was even dangerous. I know I am not that person, but it is something to deal with.

I’m not expecting easy answers, but maybe some thoughts (from either side) will help me decide what to do. I can pursue it, drop it, or just try and see what happens… initiate conversation and see if the “ick” factor loosens up.

I’m probably in the minority for men, but I am 29, I’d rather date someone a decade older than me than a decade younger. The youngest I’ll go is about 3 or 4 years. This is just how I feel. That said, I have a sister in her 30s that has a boyfriend our mother’s age. That’s up to her. They seem okay together. 24, that’s even too young for me. I am a lot less strict on age than I used to me. Used to be two years up, two years down. I just prefer older women. I mean, there are exceptions, but usually not that much of a difference. I don’t know, ultimately, it is your decision. Good luck, either way.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Of course there is a similar experience for women, but I won’t try to describe it and embarrass myself in the process.

I am a woman and this is the first I hear about ‘a similar experience’. I am curious if you could describe it even vaguely because I am curious as to what I missed

.

Thank you everyone. I’m leaning towards attempting to open conversation just to see where it goes

When you say ‘open conversation’ do you mean ask for out? Or do you mean you haven’t talked to her yet? If you haven’t talked to her yet, I would be careful. Nothing worse than hitting on an uninterested woman at church regardless of age

 

[FunkyKikuchiyo]

“I am a woman and this is the first I hear about ‘a similar experience’. I am curious if you could describe it even vaguely because I am curious as to what I missed”

I likely misspoke in implying every woman goes through it, but the “attraction out of your age range” thing does seem to hit women as well. Perhaps “analogous” or “corresponding” would be better than “similar”.

In my own experience, if I am out and about and a woman is flirting with me, there is a 90% chance that person is quite young, maybe even high school aged. It is often innocent and they clearly don’t expect anything of it, but it does happen. In a couple instances beyond random encounters, they were people close to me and I was able to befriend them, though it remained awkward for a short period of time. In one case it was a sweet girl with serious medical problems and our relationship was mostly based on spirituality before she passed, and in a second case it was a friend of the family that basically grew out of it (she’s married with a baby girl now), and I was likely something like a “first crush”, even though I’m something like 12 years older, and she was in high school at the time.

I’ll leave the psychological breakdown of such a phenomenon to someone else, though.